Singapore Hash House Harriets

The “too many monkeys” run

Hares: Lethal Weapon & Father Anus

Where: Lorong Sesuai

On On: Red Lantern

The Circle: It was a good run, but there were too many monkeys, and too many children (in the scribe’s opinion). Shortly before a circle was called, a few old farts were approached by a pack of said children who doggedly insisted they sing along to Justin Bieber’s “Baby”. Their persistence was met with a mixture of bewilderment and resistance – “Too old!”, 8 Miles Wide explained repeatedly. With the help of Shawn and Joel, they managed to get the kids to fuck off after singing the chorus of possibly her least favorite song in the universe.

Father Anus was told to put some clothes on before joining the circle.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? A toast was given to the hares for setting a great run.

Tell us about your On On: Red Lantern.

Next week’s run: Shoeshopper’s fuck-off run. [Ed: Wet Patch’s as well, even if he did take quite a long time to overcome his philosophical objection to being an “Associate” member of the Harriets].

Virgins: Wayne, Shawn, and Joel (Kara did keep her promise. Recap: In the previous run at Sin Ming Drive, Kara joined us as a virgin and promised to bring her husband the next time.)

Visitors: Kara, Dead Fish, Amber, Patrick, Stephan, Cunnilicker, Welsh Git, Stiff, Boxer, and Two Jugs (who rejoined the Harriets as a member).

Lipstick: Kan Not Kan.

Tits: Still with Sybil?

Dick: Still with Herr Zipp?

AOB

· The circle drank to the restoration of Two Jug’s membership status.

· Herr Zipp invited the hares into the circle, inquiring about some unconventional graphics he had spotted on the run. Though the run was “extremely well-marked” (here the scribe dissents – nobody but Loose Change did the entire trail), complete with perfect circles and plenty of paper, a circle had been edited with an arrow to form the symbol of a dick.

· During the week, Shoeshopper had been in Boo’s office (for reasons undisclosed). But Boo summoned her, saying “Shoeshopper, you can come in now!” Shoeshopper didn’t feel so grown-up anymore, and charged Boo for the sheer absurdity of using her hash name outside the hash.

· A conspiracy was exposed by Ad Nauseum – he had found himself at the front of the pack, but it turns out Kan the Kobra was trying to get him a lipstick charge. This maneuver was coined “The Entrapment”, with Kan the Kobra receiving the first charge.

· Cunnilicker had spotted Boo walking with a certain gravity of spirit in the course of the run. He figured that Boo must’ve lost a case. He also concluded that one should never, ever be a lawyer.

· UB was charged for pulling a Stiffy – he couldn’t tell that 8 Miles Wide was scribing on her phone, and wanted to give her a charge for it. 8 Miles Wide observed that The Stiffy was trending.

· Fat Crashing Bastard got a good ‘ole fuck-you for his birthday. Some proceeded to ask how old he was, but really – after a certain point, who’s counting?

· Shoeshopper, Big Head and Jack Off were given the Tiger Lily award for missing five – yes, five – arrows pointing right, and bulldozing straight on instead.

· Boo had actually said that it was okay to leave paper on trail. No, it’s not – as Cunnilicker later clarified, NParks’ rules stipulate that only paper is allowed on its turf, and it must be gone by 6pm the next day. Boo was charged for being a very misinformed lawyer, and the hares were given another drink.

· Not Tonight charged Kara and Amber for not being in hash attire. In fact, Amber was wearing a translucent top and white pants. Which were wet by the end of the run. In the attempt to give Amber a hash name, “High Maintenance” emerged as the top choice (the scribe personally felt it was mighty clever). Amber didn’t like it, though, so High Maintenance didn’t happen.

· Tiger Lily was congratulated for doing an Ironman. She will be doing many more Ironmen into the future.

On on to the Red Lantern.

Scribed by 8 Miles Wide

The “achieving enlightenment is all very well, but not if I have to climb that fence” run

Hares: Maggot & Dripping Wet

Where: Sin Ming Drive/Lane

On On: Ah Orh Seafood, Sin Ming Drive

The Run: Given the hares harried state when they arrived back at the run site, and given that the run was almost entirely “on chalk”, I was reflecting on a poor choice of shoes (having brought my muddiest mud bashers along) as stand in GM Shoe Shopper gave instructions and welcomed virgins.

A number of clever (in the sense that they allowed the hares to set a one hour run in 30 minutes) circle check had the pack spread to the four winds looking for chalk. I couldn’t really tell you where we went without double checking a street directory, but we had an interesting tour of the kiddie parks in Bishan. Most of the circle checks were under kiddie swings and we got more than one welcome helping hand (pointing out the on on) from a toddler. We finished up in Bishan Park for the only bit of potential shaggy, a run under Marymount Road and a crawl out of the drain. On home was through the Kong Meng San PHor Kark See Monastery and over the (locked) back gate of the Bright Hill Crematorium & Columbarium (yes, I confess, I did consult the street directory after all) – if you were younger than Boo. If not, you reversed direction and went back to Sin Ming Ave, Bright Hill Road, and caught up on a bit of shopping on the way home in Midview City.

The Circle: Just as stand in GM Shoe Shopper pronounced us ready to start the circle, it pissed down with ran. Stopping quicky to put her condom on, the circle began.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Very good run (like always reports the scribe).

Tell us about your On On: Ah Orh seafood, turn right then left then right. Two tables at the on on for always good food.

Next week’s run: Father Anus announced that “Sarah”, also known as Lethal Weapon, will be next week’s hare at Lorong Sesuai. He did so while pointing at the sky, which is a Freudian slip for “I have to run up and down that f&^%ing hill at least twice next week as hare consultant”. Father Anus was reminded to take plenty of water on his recce, to prevent another dramatic episode of severe dehydration. He should probably get around to using his new Camelbak.

Lipstick: This week there was lipstick, but Wet Patch still received his orally from Shoe Shopper. Father Anus had his lipstick applied in the more traditional fashion.

Tits: Sybil had forgotten to bring the tits.

Virgins: Claire from Houston. She promised to bring her husband the next run.

Visitors: Cum Zero, Patrick, and Stiff.

Returnees: Wet Patch, and In & Out.

Dick: Slim put the dick on Herr Zipp, complementing his poncho to give the appearance of a life-sized condom..

AOB

· Shoeshopper charged Maggot for setting the run on half-arrows. Australians – they only ever get the job half-done.

· Sneaky Comer charged Father Anus for his track record of charming the new girls. True to his inclinations, Father Anus was caught asking Claire if she was married, barely ten words into their conversation. You’d think he’s mastered the art of subtlety after so much practice.

· Stiffy mis-charged 8 Miles Wide for the second time – (Recap: During the circle of Gypsy’s Facebook Run at the ROM, Stiffy charged 8 Miles for yawning in the circle. 8 Miles Wide countered that she had read the entire Harriets’ website, and nowhere did it say that members weren’t allowed to yawn in the circle. Stiffy got a down-down for trying to be mean, but failing miserably. ) – He thought she was texting her boyfriend in the circle, when she was scribing on her iPhone. (For the record, 8 Miles Wide isn’t straight.) An epic failure, Stiffy – Strike Two!

· Father Anus charged 8 Miles Wide for her decent (virgin) attempt at scribing.

· But wait – the charge on Stiffy gets better! Turns out, not only had Stiffy mistakenly questioned 8 Miles Wide’s character, he had no excuse to do so – Shoeshopper had already told him that 8 Miles Wide was scribing on her phone, he just forgot. A toast was given to good old age.

· Herr Zipp charged 8 Miles Wide for appearing on a televised panel discussion on sex education, and not taking him with her. He would’ve made a great accessory for her anti-abstinence position.

· Stiffy was charged again for his senility, this time by Not Tonight – maybe she forgot that Stiffy had already received his charge for forgetfulness.

· Big Head charged the hares for including a puny drain in this run, compared to last week’s monstrosity. What a disappointment.

· Boo couldn’t climb the fence so he went the long way, coming in pretty damned late for a pathological short-cutter. He was probably afraid for his balls.

· Since In & Out was the only Scotsman around, Stiffy decided he’d make a great scapegoat for Scotland’s failure to win the Wimbledon.

On-on to real, -actual- Chinese food.

Scribed by 8 Miles Wide

[with a couple of minor corrections where the iPhone was clearly malfunctioning in the rain J].

The “Septic Tank (aka American Independence Day” run

Hares: Big Head & Virginia Slim

Where: House of Big Head, Ridout Road

On On: House of Big Head

The Circle: 8 Miles wide nearly forgot that she was the scribe. Thankfully, Zipp the stand-in GM was sober enough to remind her.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? The hares, Virginia Slim and Big Head, were called into the circle. A good run was unanimously proclaimed.

Tell us about your On On: Big Head announced that there was going to be Jamabalaya – and here several members broke into the Carpenters’ “Jambalaya”, so until the on-on 8 Miles thought there was going to be crawfish pie and fillet gumbo, too.

Next week’s run: Not sure if this was announced at circle, but anyway the run is at the car park on the corner of Sin Ming Drive and Sin Ming Lane. Hares are Maggot and Dripping Wet. [Ed: look at the map! http://www.singaporeharriets.com/]

Zipp charged 8 Miles Wide for leaving her watch on the table, called her a D-I-N-G-B-A-T, and laughed hysterically with the accompanying thigh-slapping of one too drunk to remember.

Visitors: Rusty T-Bone, Trash, Bagless 2.

Returnees: Quicksand.

Virgins: Marcus.

Lipstick: There was no lipstick, but Wet Patch, Rusty T-Bone, Shoeshopper, Fat Crashing Bastard, Marcus and Bagless 2 were given a down-down.

Dick: Father Anus lamented the fact that nobody broke the last check, and here he laid out all the material that Slim had generously provided – several pieces of chalk and enough flour for Slim to make a cake. Virginia Slim gets the dick for the cake he could’ve made.

Tits: 8 Miles Wide gave Sybil the tits for getting her name wrong three times that evening – despite the fact that most hash members still call her by her name, Melissa. In what universe does Melissa sound remotely similar to Michelle, anyway?

The Americans assembled in the circle and Slim led them in a randy, celebratory anthem.

AOB

· Zipp gave Loose Change a charge for asking who’d want to marry Tom Cruise. (But very little of what Zipp said was intelligible by then.)

· Shoeshopper charged 8 Miles Wide for breaking the T check, and then not sharing that the check required them to return to the sports complex. 8 Miles Wide was being a conniving lawyer in the making, and nobody likes conniving lawyers. Herr Zipp and Boo were therefore also guilty of the charge.

· Sybil and Fat Crashing Bastard were charged for sitting. Sitting is only permissible when Kan Not Kan or Sybil are speaking.

· Zipp jocundly announced to 8 Miles Wide that she was “dead –hic – drunk”. You don’t say.

· Slocum charged 8 Miles Wide for failing to make sense of Sybil’s earlier charge against Zipp. (The charge is undocumented because 8 Miles was also the scribe.) Can anyone blame her, though?

· Loose Change charged Slim for setting such a dirty run. She couldn’t get up the sewage drain.

· Fat Crashing Bastard knew that Big Head deliberately set a run with a drain spewing black slime, which Loose Change got a nice mouthful of.

· Zipp thought she’d give 8 Miles another update on her state of sobriety.

· Kan Not Kan observed that Boxer was the only one short enough to –not – have to bend over in the entire course of the run.

· Stiffy pointed out that Kan Not Kan was nowhere as interesting as the random retriever whom half the circle was fawning over while Kan Not Kan was giving his charge. Stiffy partook of the same charge because everyone was still looking at the dog.

· Quickie, capitalizing on the retriever’s appearance, made a quick pitch for the dog hash.

On-on to Big Head’s, where 8 Miles Wide was pleased to find Jambalaya, Creole, grilled corn, salad, and the best salsa ever.

Scribed by 8 Miles Wide, no thanks to Zipp.

The “Twice around the carpark and out” run

Hares: Singaporn & Wet Pet

Where: St George’s Church back car park off Harding Road, Dempsey

On On: Botak Jones

The Circle: The Circle was brought to order by stand-in Grand Mattress, Zipp. She did not have the almost mandatory GM f@#k me shoes but her pair of black thongs more than made up for it.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? The hares, Wet Pet and Singaporn were invited into the circle. That the run was good was a unanimous verdict, though it took us forever to get out of the carpark.

Tell us about your On On: Botak Jones.

Next week’s run: Not sure if this was announced at circle, but anyway the run is the Amercian Independence Day Run, which, according to one hare, should also be a British Celebration Run (for getting rid of those pesky colonies). [Ed: not sure the British actually saw it that way. Further, it was the loss of the American colonies that caused the British to look elsewhere to unload their undesirables, resulting in the creation of Australia. Well done Septics!!!]

Right, so where is the run? 42 Ridout Road (Dempsey).

Visitors: Rusty T-Bone from Oregon. Rusty T did comment to 8 Miles Wide that Oregon is a wet, wet place.

Returnees: None.

Virgins: None.

Lipstick: Wet Patch and Maggot. As there was no lipstick, Shoe Shopper provided lipstick mouth-to-mouth to Wet Patch. She conveniently ran out of lipstick when it was Maggot’s turn.

Tits: Kannot Kan gave a long drawn blah, blah, blah and then handed the tits to Tiger Lily, who later entrusted them to 8 Miles Wide.

Dick: with Father Anus, but there is no evidence he gave it away this week (see notes later on the absence of a scribe).

AOB

· Gypsy called the hares into the circle and said that in the past, teachers used to be treasured for their copious supply of hash chalk. Now, however, we have teachers who can set a run with only one piece of chalk.

· Herr Zipp had wondered if there was going to be fireworks for the July 4 Run. So they asked the church and all they got was candles. They asked the synagogue and the rabbi offered a menorah. They asked the mosque and he said sure, I’ll come over and slipped into his vest.

· Jack Off didn’t get the joke – what a blondie.

· Maggot fell over, and ended up humping a log.

· At this point, Zipp gave herself a down down for forgetting to appoint a scribe. Oops!

· Wet Pet got a bunch of people a down down for sitting in the circle. In their defense, Kannot Kan was speaking and, as with Sybil, one may sit when either one of them does a charge.

· Sybil charged Dances with Kerbs and Zipp for informing her that she should wear a skirt next week.

· Sybil charged Gypsy for not bothering that Father Anus was not back from the run. She was happy that Quickie thought to call Father Anus mobile although he never picked up the phone as it was probably in his car.\Herr Zipp was quick to pick up that Sybil was the only one who knew Father Anus mobile number by heart and she was also the only one without a mobile.

· Deep Throat made the ironic observation that Sybil is actually on Facebook.

· Shoeshopper charged 8 Miles Wide for being antisocial at the hash. 8 Miles Wide has a track record for not saying very much, and this time she was caught reading a book and (god forbid) Facebooking.

· Father Anus, safe, sound, and finally present, was quick to testify to Shoeshopper’s charge. According to Father Anus, the only words 8 Miles Wide could muster when they were setting the trail last Wednesday were in response to a compliment:

“You have a beautiful pair of legs,” said Father Anus.

“Is it?” said 8 Miles. (She still disputes the accuracy of his greying memory.)

· Zipp said that there are some people who take to a sport so naturally. Of course there is RustyT-Bone who was born with a birthmark on his calf which resembled a foot with the words OnOn inscribed in it.

· Tiger Lily received a down down together with loads of luck and best wishes for her up-coming Iron Man in Frankfurt. We hope you like German sausage, Lil.

The circle was called to a close and On On toBotak’s Backyard.

Scribed by Zipp with a little help from 8 Miles Wide, because Zipp was “too drunk to remember”.

The “Lazrus on a Camel” run

Hares: Father Anus & Melissa

Where: end of Yishun Ave 1

On On: Kim San Seafood, Yishun Ave 11

The Run: So we had an Associate Member who was willing to write about the run this week….

A smallish group assembled at the end of the dam. Stand in GM Pubic Zipp took her lead from every other GM for the last 30 years and was busy chatting as 6pm rolled past. Various associate members tapped their watches anxiously while Tiger Lily took on the age old refrain “what time does a 6-o’clock run start”?

Having no virgins to deal with, Pubic Zipp sent the pack off down the path away from the dam, where the blind front runners went straight past a prominently marked arrow and turned into the Army camp. After a bit of “are you”, they were directed to the large arrows and headed down Yishun Avenue 1. Wiser and cooler (or old fat and slow) Associate Members commenced walking slowly at this point, waiting for the T-check down the road and finding trail into the army camp on the right.

From there we went on a right hand wheel. There were some very clever checks, none of that pig excrement mangrove that Kannot Kan normally takes us through, and a large wall that is designed to keep what out, we are not sure. There is quite a bit of road construction going on, but why they use mangrove mud is yet another mystery.

Anyway, I nice clockwise run, returning to the run site in about an hour. Sadly, however, we arrived back at the run site to find the beer wagon missing in action. Where oh where was Ah Wah? A few phone calls were made and he was “on his way”. Apparently the supplier didn’t turn up on time. Anyway, we lost a few while waiting for the beer wagon, and nearly lost Boo and Quickie – fortunately the U-turn over the dam is 3km long and by the time Boo had completed his U-turn to go home, the beer wagon had arrived. Maggot, doing a quick mirror check before pulling out into traffic, saw the beer wagon arrive, and was able to stop and rejoin us.

The Circle: Pubic Zipp decided that since we were a small group, we could start the circle early at 7:45.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Good run, shame about the beer truck being late. Melissa was asked what Stanley was like as a hare, she remarked that “he has nice legs”.

Tell us about your On On: 417 Coffee Shop on Yishun Avenue 11…first right, first left, and you are there. Make sure you get a lift J

Next week’s run: The hare was missing, but we have subsequently discovered it will be at the car park behind St George’s Church off Harding Road. On on at Botak Jones.

Visitors: Mr Logic and Stiff.

Returnees: None.

Virgins: None.

Lipstick: None (doesn’t Pubic Zipp wear it?). Anyway, there were no naughty boys (even though there were a lot of them, boys that is).

Tits: Absent with Kan the Kobra.

Dick: Not Tonight had one candidate with three different charges – for Father Anus.

· Not Tonight was running along and Father Anus caught up with her, asking “what is wrong with your feet?” Not Tonight replied that she had forgotten her running shoes. “Well why didn’t you ask me” replied Father Anus, “I have ladies’ running shoes in my car”. Why on earth does Father Anus have spare ladies’ running shoes in his car and does it have anything to do with the care he takes of virgins.

· As will be further recounted, Father Anus went out to do his recce for this run on Sunday, a boiling hot day, taking only a very small bottle of water.

· Finally, Father Anus did the recce alone on Sunday – why, when he could have had Melissa?

AOB

· Stiffy wants Boo and Tiger Lily in the circle, and is immediately given a drink for racial abuse. Having finished his drink, Stiffy gets to make his charge. When Stiffy arrived for the run, he found a perfect spot for his car, just next to the run site. On parking, there was a tap on the window. It was Tiger Lily, telling him to piss off, the spot was reserved for the beer wagon. So Stiffy obediently drives off, heading 3km down the road to the first available u-turn. When he gets back 20 minutes later, he finds that Boo has parked in the beer wagon spot. Now that is racial abuse.

· Herr Zipp charges Father Anus, Boo, and Hooray. Herr Zipp had asked Father Anus what the area was normally used for, and the reply was “Army Training”. So apparently a Singapore Army guy had his automatic weapon stolen at the point of a screwdriver during the week (http://www.asiaone.com/News/Latest%2BNews/Singapore/Story/A1Story20120620-354091.html), so what does that say about the state of Singapore National Defence? Actually, says Herr Zipp, it was taken from the Maid.

· Herr Zipp also found a National Service water bottle in the Army Training area. He gives the Singapore NSMen another drink for having their water bottles stolen from them.

· This prompts a charge from Fat Crashing Bastard, who enters the circle with a backpack. Normally, bags are not allowed in the circle but in this case it was a prop. So FCB and Too Easy were at lunch on Sunday. The phone rings. It is Father Anus, calling, feebly, “help”. Well this might be a mystery but FCB and Too Easy had just finished a bike ride and encountered Father Anus out doing his recce. The phone rings again and there is another feeble “help”. So FCB and Too Easy jump on their bikes and head back to Yishun and start riding around. There, they eventually find Father Anus collapsed under a tree, unconscious and dehydrated. They manage to revive him with water from their camelbaks. So, in the hope that Father Anus is never so stupid again as to recce alone and without water, they donate to him a camelback. To everyone else, please don’t recce alone and always make sure someone knows where you are!

· Stiffy weighs in. He points out that when FCB found FA, he said, famously, “Dr Livingstone I presume”, to which FA replied, “no, it’s Stanley”.

· Herr Zipp wants the Associate Members in the circle, since they outnumber the Members tonight.

· Tiger Lily points out that given the small number of Members present, it was impressive that the first 5 in tonight were ladies (no racing on the hash).

· Maggot to Tiger Lily – during the run, he mentioned (sarcastically) “It’s not like you to do all the checks” to Tiger Lily. Tiger Lily, not recognizing the sarcasm, says “Yes, I usually know where to run”. Bullsh*t.

· Stiffy to Shoe Shopper (who is gone, so look-a-like Stiffener) – Tiger Lily and Shoe Shopper were heading off in the wrong direction and came back to find Boo pissing on trail.

· Pubic Zipp to Comes Quietly for coming late, and quietly.

· Tiger Lily points out that Comes Quietly is really back to being a front runner these days, he seems to have lots of energy, why is that?

· Pubic Zipp wants to use more beer, so calls in Sneaky Comer for showing off his tech before the circle.

· Maggot weighs in on Sneaky Comer’s high tech. On the drive to the run, SC was showing off his phone’s advanced navigation system – expect when it said turn left in 80m onto Cross Street when we were already half way up Cross St.

· Not Tonight weighs in on Sneaky Comer’s tech. With such a high tech tablet in his bag, which he was proudly showing off, how is he writing on the circle report? On a scraggly old bit of paper.

· Pubic Zipp thanks Stiffener and Stiff for hosting the farewell party (then tomorrow night, now last Thursday). For those asking “what farewell party”, you should read your newsletters.

Scribed by Sneaky Comer

On on to 417 Seafood

Comes Quietly’s Birthday run

Hare:Comes Quietly

Where: Chestnut Avenue

On On: Red Lantern again

The Circle: The Wet Brazilian called the circle to order and twenty minutes later the said circle did actually come to order. This was the same as last week bloody unruly bunch.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? The usual moans of too short, however the GM asked at the beginning if the run was long and the hare said “no it was a short run”. Once again the hare was a lying b######d. Front runners in at 7:15

Tell us about your On On: Red Lantern. Free beers good run!!!!

Next week’s run: Father Anus End of Yishun Avenue.

Visitors: Boxer, Knobby Boy Scout (looka alike Maggot as KBS gone), Mr Logic, Golden Shower, Kelly, Banana Republic.

Returnees: Woodbridge (along with Stiff & Krit cause they weren’t listening re visitors callup).

Virgins: None

Lipstick: Ad Nauseum what again & still denying although doth protestith too much me thinks, Boo (short cutter!!) When is he not. Old fart and short person aa the bad boys.

Tits: Boxer regales how women all have something in common regardless of nationality: namely breasts and fanny. Boxer’s daughter told Boxer she needed to return the breasts as they were bigger than her! Plus she had to explain to her daughter what tits meant! Tits given to Kan the Kobra, no idea why except maybe she’s a women and has something in common with us all. Not fair lah said Kan the Kobra.

AOB

· GM charged by Wet N Wild for forgetting her wedding anniversary. GM was dressed in a sexy negligee and given some lovely edible undies to help remind her of the romance of her anniversary with her beloved hubby.

· Maggot suggested GM played 20 toes with the women pointing 10 up and the man ponting 10 down tadah 20 that’s how you play 20 toes!

· Wet Brazilian charged Shoe Shopper for forgetting her clothers and having to wear Wet Patch’s clothes-looked better on her than on Wet Patch.

· Shoe Shopper called Maggot in for calling for a woman and asking for Ugly Bum. When Shoe Shopper, Tiger Lily and GM answered the call he said great that’s 3 ugly bums! He’s the meanest…

· Wet Brazilian called Father Anus in for being so tight he has been wearing the same running shoes for 6 years.

· GM called in Comes Quietly for the birthday cake Maggot suggested was recycled from last week. Thanks Esh for organizing that was yummy.

· Announcement: – Kampong having a diamond Jubilee run Saturday at Sloane Court Hotel. Fish n Chips n Beer Dress as some kind of queen (you have missed this now).

· Sunday Hash at Labrador Park (likewise, it was last Sunday).

Scribed by Wet ‘n Wild
On on to the Red Lantern

The ‘Shaggy Dick Too Farewell’ Run

Hare: Shaggy Dick Too

Where: Blackmore Drive

On On: Red Lantern

The Circle: The Wet Brazilian called the circle to order and twenty minutes later the said circle did actually come to order. Sort of. It was more of a comically shaped triangle but it worked.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Amid the wailing and gnashing of teeth, the hare, Shaggy Dick was called into the circle one final time. Sort of. He still had to do about 20 down downs during the rest of the evening. First Shaggy was forced to explain why he promised dry shoes to the masses yet soggy toes seemed to be more prevalent. An excellent run was announced before the hare surprised everyone by revealing that the on-on was going to be at the Red Lantern. At least we got to sing our auld hash favorite, F.O. You C.

Tell us about your On On: Red Lantern.

Next week’s run: Comes Quietly stuck out his chest nuts and told us to show up next week at Chestnut Avenue, Meeting Point 4. He promised at least two drink stops and a free on-on but, then again, I lie a lot so that part isn’t really true. Sort of.

Visitors: Krit, Mr. (il)Logic, Hiroko, Stiff (still not a member), Amber (fluid), Stephan, Boxer (shorts), Mr. Potato Head.

Virgins: Shalyn (temple) but she apparently did nopt know anything about a circle and left a tad early before the festivities. Pubic Zipp took the honors for bringing the disappearing virgin.

Lipstick: Ad Nauseum seemed proud that he was in front of the woman and ran into the circle to claim his prize. Mr. Potato Head positively glowed with the idea that his bum legged recovered enough for him to be in front (actually, he shortcut the canal). Wet Pet, however, failed to notice that the 2.5 meter guest, Mr. Logic, ran in front of everyone only 10 steps into the run but she somehow looked across a crocked line and divined that Gypsy was in front of Wet Brazilian as he followed both Wet Pet and the GM down the canal. (I hold a grudge for a very long time).

Tits: Comes Quietly was being his discreet self when showering after the run. Much to everyone’s surprise, Boxer seems to have walked past and purred “Hmmmmm….., I like that!” When the cats away….. Hey, wait a second. Penile Extension was standing right nearby. So how?

The GM called a follow-up charge against Not Good Enough for pointing out that Boxer appeared to be dribbling white foam from her mouth while bending over at a rather telling level. He was just trying to understand what she had had in her mouth.

Dick: Stiffy probably should have kept it because he’ll be getting it back next week. I’m still trying to figure out if Not Tonight was being accused of just being a woman or that Stiffy was charging himself because of Alzheimer’s. He left the dick at home so Not Tonight instructed him to detour over that way during the run to pick it up. Surprisingly, he could not find it there. Upon returning to the runsite, he checked the car again where Not Tonight assured him he would not find it. There it was. Okay then says NT, “did you bring me my towel?” Huh?

Announcement: The Wet Brazilian appealed for hares for several upcoming runs including 27 June as well as 11 and 18 July. Shaggy was nominated to set all of them with Wet Patch and Shoe Shopper. If you want to help though, contact Posh Nash.

Farewell: Shaggy Dick was sent off in style in a new Harriets t-shirt designed to remind him to come back often to visit us (as a guest hare), a card and a beautifully decorated cake. Actually, it was Shoe Shopper’s birthday cake but she didn’t show up so a quick hand written message on paper was added which wished Shaggy well.

AOB:

§ Maggot called in Singaporn (who is French) and Shaggy Dick (who is heading to Viet Nam, a former French colony). Maggot informed the circle that the French, of course, are most famous for inventing the word “surrender”. Maggot taught Shaggy a cleverly written ditty often sung at the Vietnam hashes for visiting French runners. I can not be sure but I think it was titled “Dien Bien Phu”.

§ Slocum gave Slime and Ugly Bum a down down because they both seemed to be looking for one night stands. Slime prefers to lay down instead of stand but drank anyway.

§ Not Good Enough pointed out that his usually clever wife was having trouble understanding Stiffy’s earlier talk about the dick in the car, dick in the house, where is the dick, etc. She thought every guy knew where his dick was.

§ Shaggy Dick had special instructions to keep everyone’s shoes dry on the run. As a result, he ran the length of the canal along the hole-filled side, rather than the sidewalk because the latter could possibly involve a tip toe through the water. Sadly, this route played hell with many hashers. Mr. Logic fell down the drain, Stiff went down a hole and Jack Off went down on someone. It was all enjoyable to watch.

§ Stiff called in Shaggy Dick to pass on some more hash traditions they have in Viet Nam. On behalf of Cock Radio, Stiff gave Shaggy a shower of flour that left Shaggy looking a bit like a snowman. Herr Zipp noted that we were all confused. Shaggy was going to Viet Nam, not San Francisco. Herr Zipp then led the circle in ♫ “If you’re going to San Francisco, ♪ be sure to wear some flour in your hair”♪.

§ Zipp was momentarily impressed with young Singaporeans and figured there was hope for a more gracious society. When Shaggy was trying to wipe the flour out of his eyes, Zipp ran in with a napkin. That was not enough so the Wet Brazilian ran over to get another napkin and take it to him. Still not enough, Melissa ran over and got another napkin…. to hold the piece of cake that she wanted to eat.

§ Wit & Wild was called in for her birthday by the GM and Not Tonight called in herself for the same reason. Unfortunately, some bastard had eaten their cake.

§ Stiffy called Shaggy Dick back into the circle. Stiffy realized that we are not only saying goodbye to Shaggy and Shoe Shopper, we are more than likely saying goodbye to the Blackmore Drive run site where they have set a combined 274 runs since they arrived in Singapore.

§ Big Head asked Shaggy to stick around for her charge too. She took us all down Memory Lane (not found on my GPS) and handed out miniatures of liquor to Shaggy for each special moment they shared. Hint: there were enough miniatures to not only get Shaggy drunk but also to make you wonder when those two were an item.

§ Not Tonight joined the reminiscing and charged Shaggy not so much for the champagne run stop where they first met but just so that she could give him a public hug and a kiss. Wet Pet also came in to say that she doesn’t have any special memory of Shaggy but she also wanted a cuddle with him.

§ The Wet Brazilian gave Shaggy a break and pointed out that some other committee members were supporting her by wearing they own funk me shoes or, at least fu*k you shoes. She noted that Stiffener’s shoes were a new version – fu*ked up shoes. They had teeth marks all over them and no one was sure whether the teeth in question belonged to the family dog or to Stiff.

§ Kan Not Kan called in – wait for it – Shaggy Dick and returned to the memory theme, noting that he joined the hash while Shaggy Dick was on a surfing and shagging holiday in Bali. When Shaggy finally returned to the hash, KNK realized that he was not the only studmuffin who was competing for the charms of the ladies. He also managed to recall Shaggy’s first words to him, i.e., “shut up and drink your beer”. Actually, that was almost everyone’s first words to KNK.

§ Tiger Lily kept Shaggy in the circle not to charge him but to thank him. She had been running for so many years but was never much more than a five-hour marathoner. With Shaggy breathing heavily down her neck every Wednesday, she got faster in order to get away from him. This training has turned her into one of the fastest women in Singapore. Furthermore, his heavy breathing in the pool has turned her into a top tri-athlete. There was no mention of what heavy breathing in bed – if any – did for her.

§ Maggot called in – who else – Shaggy Dick and taught him some useful Vietnamese, appropriate for saying to anyone in order to win friends and influence people. As best I can tell with my American ears, it sounded something like “Ang ewe em anh bo doi”. Try it on your next visit to Hanoi.

§ The Wet Brazilian gave Shaggy another break and pointed out that Maggot was wearing a chastity belt. We are not sure why she was looking there but….

§ Gypsy called in Melissa and replayed a Facebook post that the mohawked girl had made the day before. Apparently a friend had been upset with her for a post that not only mentioned female genitalia but used obscene language to boot. She took umbrage and posted a video on Facebook to electronically say “fu*k off”. The video was of a song with curious lyrics about the artists eight mile wide vagina. It was vigantic. The GM decided that Melissa should henceforth roam the world with a new name “Eight Mile Wide” (or “8 Mile Wide” to save on “e”s).

§ Jack Off then said something very, very clever and witty. Unfortunately, I was still discussing hash names with half the committee and I missed it. My notes say “Jack Off – bottles, Slocum, cleaner, Shaggy Dick, drunk.” You will have to use your imagination.

Scribed by Gypsy

On on to the Red Lantern

The ‘Nowhere near Bukit Timah Rd.’ Run

Hares: Wet&Wild, Sneaky Comer

Where: Car Park F2 East Coast Park.

On On: Sunset Bay Beach Bar

The Run: Oh we do like to be beside the seaside…. Except when it is p*#sing down rain. I can’t remember ever doing a wet East Coast Run, but at 5.45 down came the rain, and washed away the trail. The Hares were not happy chappy’s, and their vocab was limited to one word – it started with f and ended in k.

It was decided to focus on the jungle section, where there may still be remnants of paper. As there is only one bit of jungle on the entire East Coast, this gave us a fair clue on where to head to under the ECP.

Despite the Hares extensive recce’ing, last minute hiccups setting trail included a bridge missing over a canal, some jungle grass that had rapidly grown over head height on the trail, the ECP mysteriously renamed East Coast Rd. and failing to use waterproof chalk to mark trail on the road sections.

Despite the lack of trail in parts, the Hares did a great job in giving us a 6.4km run and getting everyone back in an hour. Everyone that is except Kan Not Kan who did the impossible on an East Coast Run – got lost. And took a couple of visitors with him for good measure.

The Circle: The Circle proceeded under a clear sky.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Too dry, not enough National Park Rangers, too close to Bukit Timah Rd. An enjoyable run thanks.

Tell us about your On On: Sunset Bay Beach Bar, a la carte.

Next week’s run: Shaggy Dick Too’s Farewell Run, Blackmore Drive then Red Lantern.

Visitors / Returnees: Tampon, Public Enema, Stephan, Stiff, Two Jugs, Chopper, Dock Leaf, Kim.

Virgins: nope.

New Member: Nope.

Lipstick: Cock Radio for finding trail on his own where there was no trail. And Zipp is gorgeous. (She wrote that in my scribe notes while I was getting lippy – CR).

Tits: Shaggy Dick Too told me about how his long, good pants, which he has not worn for a while, were rather tight when he put them on to go to the Grade 8 Graduation. But lucky he had a belt on in case the button popped. After a chicken tandoori the night before, followed by high tea at the Orchard Hotel, his pants were considerably tighter, threatening to snap the buckle of his belt. When he remembered I had the Tits, he said don’t give them to him as he was setting the run next week and would have no way of taking the Tits along. Comes Quietly had a way to overcome this problem – find someone who can take them for him next week. Stupidly, Comes Quietly told me he would be at next week’s run, so my problem was solved – tell the story about Shaggy’s Tandoori tight pants and give the Tits to Comes Quietly to take for him. Job done.

Dick: Stiffy, still recovering from his bike hash without a bike episode last week, not here.

Awards – nope

AOB:

· Kan Not Kan had a very ‘annoying’ charge about SD 2 going to ‘Hanoi.’

· Shoe Shopper, showing that Tasmanians have literacy appreciation, praised Can Not Kan for his satirical eloquence.

· The GM congratulated Tiger Lily and Pubic Zipp for winning their divisions in the Bintan Triathlon. But what happened to Shaggy Dick Too??? ‘Built for comfort, not speed,’ was his reply. Judging by his placing, there is a lot of comfort involved.

· Sneaky Comer was amazed how an interhash veteran, Kan Not Kan, could possibly get lost on the East Coast. Not only got lost, but took a group of visitors with him on a misadventure towards the airport.

· Despite extensive recce’ing, the Hares could not believe their bad luck tonight.

The plank bridge over the canal was gone.

The grass had grown so long it was overhead, causing the Hares all sorts of navigational problems. In fact there was a possible sighting of the very rare ‘Where the f#*k are we bird.’ However, it turned out to be Wet N Wild, jumping up and down to try and see above the long grass, calling out to Sneaky ‘Where the f*#k are we?’

Not to mention the ¾ of the run that was set on chalk.

· Tonight was a sad moment – the last trip of the ISS School Bus. Shaggy Dick Too was proud that it had one final adventure. On locking the car, Shoe Shopper took her keys to the beer wagon and dropped them into what she thought was the key tray. However, the tray was not a tray, it was actually a Carlsberg bucket full of water. ‘What are you doing, that water lah!’ cried Croc Hunter. Well, electronic key systems don’t take kindly to swimming, and this one responded by not going ‘beep beep’ when pointed at the car door. Here’s to the beep beep bimbo.

· Whistleman complains that 2 times he has been to Singapore in 2 weeks and it rained both times, so he charges the Hares.

· Cock Radio then informed Whistleman that it has only rained 2 times in 2 weeks and thus charges Whistleman for being a drought buster.

· The GM reminds us that it was 1 year ago at this run site that we had a Hash Wedding. Tonight the bride is here on her own, Shoe Shopper, but it appears that the best man, Wet Patch, has run away with the sexy bridesmaid, Camel Humper.

· Herr Zipp informs of the longest sentence in any language: ‘I do.’

· Tiger Lily informs Whistleman that we have enough teachers on the Hash and don’t need another one running around on trail blowing their whistle.

· Kan Not Kan salutes the birthday runners – visitors Chopper and Public Enema, Wet n Wild and Shoe Shopper.

· When setting a run, Sneaky Comer usually gets up to date weather forecasts from Cock Radio on the possibility of rain. Tonight it actually rained but there was no weather alert given by CR. (As we reached the top of Shears Bridge on the way to the run, looking east towards Changi, passengers in the ISS school bus did have a chuckle when we saw a big storm cloud hovering over car park F2).

· Kan Not Kan asked what do Shaggy Dick 2, Sneaky Comer, and Boo have in common? Shaggy is going to Hanoi, Sneaky Comer’s uncle’s Hash Name is Hanoi Bill, and Boo (as well as being nearly as old as Hanoi Bill (83), looks like one of Hanoi’s most famous people, Uncle Ho Chi Minh.

· Another Hash naming attempt for Melissa by Dances With Kerbs. Melissa is kindly offered a drive home from last week’s Hash, but questions the driver – ‘Can you drive? Are you legless?’ There’s gratitude for you! All potential names fall through, and Melissa remains Melissa.

On on to Sunset Bay Beach Bar. (Singapore, not Hawaii)

Scribed by Cock Radio. (And sent from Hoi An Viet Nam because the bloody Qantas lounge at Changi doesn’t open now until 3pm – great when you have midday flights).

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.  He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”  The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.

I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with chocolate buds and hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”  “Well,” said the vet, “let’s have a look at him”   So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.  Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”   “What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”   “No, because he’s really heavy”.

The ‘Change of Plans’ Run

Hares: Two Easy, Fat Crashing Bastard, Stiffener

Where: Hindu Cemetery South St 10.

On On: Farmart

The Run: Not a National Parks Ranger within coo-ee to bother us out here. Well, not any that are alive at least. The Hare assured us this would be a very scenic run, so we should have smelt a rat when we headed towards a big pile of un-scenic dirt. Yep, T Check.

We passed a bush area that said ‘Danger, keep out, live firing range.’ Well, that made me a tad nervous, but obviously not as nervous as the soldiers who go in there, as the next sign on the side of the road warned us ‘Look out for troop movements.’

Lovely bush trails, made tracks, undulations, twists and turns, little streams, Indian workers cutting the grass for us, this run had it all.

I knew where we were going, as I had my own human GPS, Stiffy, who informed me this run was borrowed from the Bike Hash. He knew every little nook and cranny like the back of his hand, and gave a bike riding degree of difficulty grading for every section.

So when we found ourselves at a Circle Check ahead of the Pack after taking a legitimate short cut, he was able to lead us to trail, so he said. Home was 20 minutes from this Check. We got back 90 minutes later. Some quotes from this 90 minutes of torture:

2 minutes later. (S) ‘That’s strange, no markings yet. They will probably come out at the roundabout just up here.’

10 minutes later. (CR) ‘Where’s the roundabout?’

20 minutes later. (S) ‘Now there will be a big hill to go up next to the road.’

25 minutes later. (S) ‘Actually, I remember now, we did not go up this big hill, we need to go back to the road.’ (CR) On hands and knees, unable to reply.

25 minutes later. (CR) ‘I don’t see any graves.’ (S) ‘We’re still in the University.’

30 minutes later. (S) ‘We just go behind the drain and cut through the jungle into the cemetery.’ (CR) ‘Ok’

35 minutes later. (S) ‘Think we better go back to the road, their shooting real bullets in here.’ (CR) ‘Most intelligent thing you have said so far.’

45 minutes later. (CR) ‘Should we flag a taxi?’ (S) ‘No, don’t be silly.

50 minutes later. (S) ‘You don’t look very happy.’ (CR) No reply.

55 minutes later. (CR) ‘Should we flag a taxi?’ (S)‘No, it’s just up to the corner and turn left into Jalan Bahar, then a mile or so to Old Choa Chu Kang Rd and we are there.’

65 minutes later. (S) ‘It didn’t seem this far on my bike.’

66 minutes later. (CR) ‘Should we flag a taxi?’ (S) ‘Yes, ok.’

70 minutes later. (CR) ‘I still don’t see any graves?’

71 minutes later. (S) ‘Are you still my mate?’ (CR) No reply.

80 minutes later. (CR) ‘You dodge the traffic on this side of the road and flag a taxi, I’m going to the footpath on the other side.’

85 minutes later. (S) ‘Nearly home, turn left at the next corner.’ (CR) No reply.

89 minutes later. Rescued in a car by the Hare, who states the obvious: ‘The run did not go anywhere near Jalan Bahar.’ (S) ‘But we did on the Bike Hash.’ (CR) No comment, asleep in the back seat.

The Circle: Proceedings were delayed slightly (8.15 to be precise). Was it because of worry and concern for the 2 missing associate members? Or was it that one of them was the scribe?

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Wet Patch declared he couldn’t remember the run as it was so long ago. ‘Too short,’ was heard from 2 Associate members. But this was a really lovely run. A very good run was declared. And thanks for the short notice move to avoid the wrath of NP Rangers.

Tell us about your On On: Farmart, where the food is really good.

Next week’s run: East Coast Park, Carpark F2. Sneaky Comer & Wet & Wild.

Visitors / Returnees: Stiff.

Virgins: nope, not even a dead one.

New Member: Nope.

Lipstick: The GM declared that there was always a woman in front today, and therefore no naughty associate members to get lipstick. Shoe Shopper was immediately charged for suggesting the real reason no men were charged was that the GM had forgotten the lipstick.

Tits: Virginia Slim mentioned how Cock Radio does not seem to be running at the same pace as he use to a few years back, and even resorts to short cutting occasionally. This prompted Big Head to comment on the run, ‘Cock Radio, you are so slow that even Sybil could beat you.’ And tonight she did. Cock Radio takes the Tits.

I then asked the GM for permission to take them off, as I could not scribe with them on. Shoe Shopper said she has the same problem too.

Dick: Fat Crashing Bastard watched Stiffy taking 10 minutes to park his car. Then he went and ran the Bike Hash. Stiffy, you Dickhead! On your bike lad!

Awards – nope.

AOB:

· Jack Off and Slocum immediately queried why we were having AOB already – What about the Tits? Give the 2 alziemers sufferers a note. Slocum then dug his grave deeper by asking why Cock Radio was not wearing the Tits.

· The GM gave a stern lecture about the correct procedure for running in National Parks.

· Melissa saw, and heard, Gypsy call ‘On on,’ at a Check, before pulling up and self correcting his call to ‘need a woman.’

· Sybil questioned Gypsy on the run why he was behind her. This resulted in a childish game of silly talk and bum waggles being executed.

· Sybil thanked the Hares for the chocolate.

· Wet Patch noticed that Not Tonight had been sitting for the last 10 minutes with her head on hands looking very pissed off. It can only be because Stiffy was eventually found.

· Too Easy had driven out in the dark to look for the missing associate members and nearly picked up 2 Indian men by mistake. Slocum wants to know how she knows that you can’t fit 4 people in the back seat of the car?

· The 2 associate members who had been missing then explain the truth about what happened. Trying to make our way over the hill through the live firing range, we were captured by an army platoon in full camouflage. They marched us to their Commander, where we were detained, questioned and tortured by water and fingernail pulling. They asked if there were any more gypsies with us. But we gave no real names away, despite the pain. So the army are now searching for a fat crashing bastard with a wet brazilian that has a wet patch. A sergeant with a big head thought it would be too easy, but we told him stiff, not tonight. Well, that’s our story.

· Cock Radio then charged Stiffy for making us do the bike hash without a bike. ‘It didn’t seem this far on my bike,’ was his famous quote at 7.45.

· Stiff had some disparaging remarks made by the GM about how slow he was running. ‘Then go past me,’ he replied. ‘No, because then you will talk about my big ass,’ came the GM reply. Well, she did overtake him and proceeded to give him 2kms of swingbacks.

· The GM then charged Stiff for looking at all the women’s bums when they go past him. (When he starts looking at the men’s bums, then we have a problem).

· Not Tonight calls in an educationist, Stiffy. (If bus drivers can be called ‘Coach Captains,’ then teachers can be called ‘Educationists.’) If Cock Radio can’t write while wearing the Tits, she asks Stiffy how some of his female students cope? She also asked if we saw the sign on the run that said ‘Mark’s Cocoa Plantation’. ‘Is this for FCB’s chocolate company?’

· Dances With Kerbs charged Slocum for observing and commenting on the females leg over styles as they negotiated a fallen tree.

· While Stiffy and I was being charged, the GM kindly took over my scribing duties. I thought this was very thoughtful and caring of her. Until I got back and saw what she had written:

The GM is sexy.

The GM is gorgeous

The GM is lovely

The GM is wonderful

The GM is beautiful

The GM is smart

The GM is great

The GM is the best

· Zipp suggested to Melissa after the run that she ask Boo for some repellent to keep the ferocious mossies at bay. Boo suggested that she shower first before applying repellent, otherwise it will wash off. Melissa’s reply – ‘Shower?’

· Stiffy knew that at least one person would miss him when he did not get back tonight. (Miss him, or notice that he wasn’t back?) However, no one would have known about poor old Cock Radio until tomorrow morning when his students were sitting in class without a teacher. Sad.

On on to Farmart.

Scribed by Cock Radio.

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:  “Windows frozen.”

Husband texts back  “Pour some luke warm water over it.”

Wife texts back: “Computer completely f*#ked now.”

The Return of Two Jugs Run

Hares: Two Jugs & Wet Brazilian

Where: Kent Ridge Park

On On: Blueys a la carte

Important Reminder: National Parks.

Setting a run in any park or area controlled by National Parks requires a permit that must be submitted 4 weeks before the run. Please see http://www.singaporeharriets.com/Docs/NationalParks2012.pdf for detailed requirements.

The Run With the promise of ‘It will be a short run,’ and ‘There is a drink stop,’ the Pack set off. A few of us soon found ourselves taking the steps all the way to the bottom of the hill, only to find a T Check. Stupidly I followed Sneaky Comer up a path, only to have to come back again.

All the way back to the top, and into the bush. The run then proceeded through bush, up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down and across Kent Ridge Park, finally emerging onto South Buona Vista Rd.

Down more steps and into National University. What goes down must come up again, and it was up to Science Park Drive for a re entry into the bottom of the Park at the lake. A Circle Check at a revolting smelly rubbish bin saw Shaggy Dick Too decide he had not enough step climbs and went up, Tiger Lily disappeared to the right, while Wet Patch, using his sense of smell went left and found the vodka/cranberry drink stop.

The alcohol helped numb the final climb back up the hill to the car park. 8.76++ kms of thigh breaking up and downs.

The Circle:

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Obviously set by 2 ladies who like going up and down a lot. It had a bit of everything – hills, flats, bush and road. Good run

Tell us about your On On: Blooie’s (we ran past it). [Ed: well some of us did J]. Stiffy gives directions, 4 times.

Next week’s run: Lower Pierce Reservoir, off Upper Thompson Rd. Fat Crashing Bastard and Too Easy. [Ed, later changed to Muslim Cemetery. Please, hares, read the rules at the end of the newsletter].

Visitors / Returnees: There were but I can’t find the list. I remember Bagless 2, King Lear, a couple of guys from Cornwall on the way to interhash, and whistle man (Public Enema) and his gal from Guam.

Virgins: nope

New Member: Nope.

Lipstick: Cock Radio, Hooray, Public Enema, Chopper and his mate.

Tits: Virginia Slim has his hands on them, not giving them up yet.

Dick: Zipp had the Tits, but she had trouble locating them in her car because Sneaky Comer had littered it with all his clothes and stuff, so she decided he should take everything out of the back of her car, including the Dick.

First candidate was Stiffy for giving incorrect information and sending a few of us the wrong way at the first T Check [Ed: far out, it was funnier than that – Stiffy had remarked that he had “taken Wet Brazilian down that path before, so the run could go that way”]. Second was Fat Crashing Bastard who not only tries to give virgin’s names, but is wearing virgin shoes.

I think Stiffy won. [Ed: nope, Dick went to FCB. Cock Radio, you really did get the notes wet in the pool, didn’t you?]

Awards – nope.

AOB:

· Stiffy gets in Shaggy Dick Too and Bagless 2 and asks us if there is any similarity at all between them. They are both male. Yes. From Great Britain. Yes, but apart from that? Good looking? Well… Intelligent? Now we are pushing it. Ok, they look nothing at all alike. Two Jugs still can’t tell them apart.

· Sneaky Comer questions the Hares on whether an 8.76++ run qualifies as a ‘short’ run. Good point.

· Kan Not Kan gets Bagless 2 and Shaggy Dick Too back in, having discovered another difference between them. One wears spectacles?

· Jack Off points out that Shaggy and Bagless aren’t originals – they are both ‘toos.’

· Stiffy watched Boo parking his car; it took him 4 attempts to reverse it in. Boo’s excuse – ‘Mines bigger than everyone else’s.’ And we all thought size didn’t matter.

· Kan Not Kan gets the ‘Two’ Family in – Bagless 2, Shaggy Dick Too, Too Easy, Two Jugs, and Boo Boo. It was all too much really.

· Sybil is in, causing a mass sit down on the ground by members. The GM does not lower herself to that level, choosing to sit on the scribe’s knee instead. (It was actually a pleasant experience to have a wet Brazilian on my knee.) The gist of the charge was Dances With Kerbs was too slow for Sybil tonight.

· Jack Off and Shaggy Dick both charged the visitor with the whistle for destroying the serenity, not to mention their ear drums. The single blast every time he saw a mark was bad enough, but the continuous blast at every Check was too much. Can someone teach him to say ‘On On?’

· Shoe Shopper heard Tiger Lily complaining, as they ran past Blooie’s, that she can never find Blooie’s. How do you get there? Umm, you just got there Tiger.

· Sneaky Comer with quote of the year from Tiger Lily. ‘I always know where I am, I have a good sense of direction.’

· Hooray charged Kan Not Kan for getting lost for 5 days while doing a recee. (But who was the bastard who found him??)

· Sneaky Comer heard Stiffy say ‘The only place in Singapore that you can get lost for 5 days is Orchard Towers. Speaking from experience obviously. And cops a beer over his head from his wife for good measure.

· Kan Not Kan suggested that our visitors from Cornwall were looking a little pasty. A very corny charge. Did they eat all the pies?

· Shoe Shopper reckons it’s bizarre how Singaporeans reserve their spot at a coffee shop by placing a packet of tissues on the table, but now we have Melissa (head job) reserving her place in the Circle with a pair of sandals.

· Not Tonight calls in the shoe expert, Shoe Shopper, to consult the GM about her shoes, as she could not go down in them.

· The GM charges herself – for breaking a Check before she remembered that she was the Hare.

· Stiffy charges the GM for too much familiarity from Hash carrying into the work place. At school, her tooth fell out, she unwrapped a tissue to show him her screw in tooth. Get your teeth into that charge.

On on to Blooie’s. Ask Tiger Lily how to get there.

Scribed by Cock Radio.

Stiffener was counting all the 5 and 10 cent coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. Stiff thought to himself, “She’s going through the change.”

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonker’s saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist nerds. I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloody thing.

Local Police are hunting the ‘Knitting Needle Nutter,’ who has stabbed six people in the bum in the last 48 hours. They believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday but it went off before I could eat it.