Singapore Hash House Harriets

The Smart Run

Hares: Sybil, Dances With Kerbs, Zipp, Gypsy

Where: ROM car park, Fort Canning

On On: On site home made curry chicken, mutton, fish, veggies. $6.

The Run: 4 Hares to set a Run? That does not sound very smart. Turning up for a run in torrential rain – not smart. The Hare placing his umbrella on top of his car – what, to keep it dry? Not smart. Sitting in your car staying dry – only delays the inevitable, so not smart. Only having a $40 Nokia was not smart. The Hare’s smart phone malfunctioning definitely not smart. The Hares original plan of heading out of the car park via a drain was not smart – it had been turned into a waterfall. Posh Nash was not smart -unable to locate the first picture – the set of steps in the car park 10 metres away. Sneaky Comer abusing the GM on the run was not smart. Your scribe crossing the river and running along Boat Quay was not smart as the run did not go there. And so on and so on.

Well, what was smart about this run, anything at all?

* For those people not there, there was no trail marked. Considering the rain we had, there would have been no trail left, so that was smart. Instead, those with a smart phone had to log into Sybil’s Face Book account, where there was a set of some 133 photos [ed, see http://www.facebook.com/?ref=tn_tnmn#!/media/set/?set=a.104972896306406.6115.100003810873419&type=3] of various landmarks along the way. Runners had to look at their phones and try and locate the next photo landmark.

Well, it was a good run site, the rain did stop, it was an innovative and creative run, and it was very scenic. Landmarks included Raffles Cottage at Fort Canning, the fire station, Clarke Quay, Boat Quay (viewed from the other side of the river, except for CR who ran through it), Raffles statue, The Merlion, The Durian, Marina Bay Sands, The Indian War Memorial (where CR and Slim were brought back from the dead), The Padang, Boo’s office and the Registry of Marriages.

Definitely a good run Hares. Smart?

The Circle: The GM quickly assembled everyone under a clear sky.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? ‘Best digital run ever.’ Hard to argue with that. But we want to know is who set up a Face Book account for Sybil?

Tell us about your On On: On site home made curry chicken, mutton, fish and veggies, $6

Next week’s run: Vigilante Drive, top of Kent Ridge Park.

Visitors / Returnees: Two Jugs, Slack Arse.

Virgins: Janet and Jessie, who described it as a ‘Phenomenal Run. ‘Best Hash Run they have ever done in fact.

New Member: Nope.

Lipstick: Sneaky Comer and Cock Radio. (And I forgot to wipe it off – not sure what the taxi driver must have thought.)

Tits: Boo has the Tits, Posh Nash said she wished she had Tits, Boo offered his, for a fee of course (he is a lawyer). Father Anus for coming after the run but not before the run. Virginia Slim for exposing his legs tonight in a pair of sexy red shorts. Unfortunately for us, the word ‘expose’ provided Slim with the opportunity to expose more than just his legs, creating an instant lack of appetite for those of us standing behind him. There was more than one full moon tonight. Slim wins the Tits.

Dick: Jack Off, having given it a head job for several weeks, finally removes it from her head and twirls it around her fingers. Arriving late, she asked for some clues from the Hares, who sent her the wrong way up the river path. Zipp is the culprit.

Awards – nope

AOB:

· Sneaky Comer declares himself to be old, fat and slow. (He would have been disappointed if he expected us to sing the ‘bullshit’ song). But tonight he was able to stay in touch with the FRBs the whole way, as the run was slowed because of the following combination. The run required technology, a sense of direction, and a woman in front. We all know that is a combination that just does not work.

· Cock Radio backs up Sneaky’s charge. Posh Nash could not even work out the first photo clue – the set of steps going up the hill out of the car park, ten meters from where she was standing.

· Slack Arse charged the Hares for providing us with misleading clues. He produced one photo of 2 strange ladies.

· The GM assures us that we are all pretty healthy and fit, and capable of a run. Why then did she come across 2 Associate Members sitting on the steps of the Indian War monument, beneath the inscription that said ‘Our Glorious Dead.’ Virginia Slim and Cock Radio are duly court martialled.

· Sneaky Comer knows how the 2 guilty men had discovered this location – Virginia Slim had somehow managed to print out all the photo clues, thus providing a short cut opportunity.

· Zipp suggests that Virginia Slim and Forced Entry book a hotel room, as she had spotted them rolling around on the ground together at one stage of the run. (Apparently Forced Entry ended up with a sore bottom out of it – was it a forced entry?)

· Wet n Wild further charged Slim and Forced Entry for skipping along the river hand in hand.

· Sneaky Comer and Cock Radio are curious as to how a Fort Canning Run could ever get ‘Run of the Year.’ So what makes a run appealing to the girls? No, it’s not the remoteness, it’s not the nice jungle, nature trails, wildlife, mountain streams, hills etc etc. What makes a run good is the chance to go shopping for a new dress along the way, drop into a little café for a coffee, and a wine bar for a chardonnay. So anyone who wants run of the year, get in quick for an Orchard Rd site before they are all taken.

· Slack Arse calls in all those with an iPhone. Those that actually used it were allowed to leave, leaving Stiffy, Forced Entry and Melissa as those so challenged by the first photo clue that their batteries went dead before they made it out of the car park.

· Stiffy charged Melissa for yawning during the past charge. She fired back immediately by saying that she has been doing her reading, and there is nothing in the Constitution that says yawning is not allowed.

· Kan Not Kan called in Not Tonight, Janet and Stiffener for all running with an umbrella. Kan The Kobra ran in a poncho. And Jessie who ran in a poncho and with an umbrella, but still complained of getting wet underwear.

· Wet n Wild noticed that Jessie was doing a little dance while ‘He’s the meanest ….’ was being sung, so she calls in an expert at the dance for the ‘Meanest,’ song to give her some dance lessons – Kan Not Can – and the 2 of them do a little mean jig in the Circle.

· Fat Crashing Bastard started a move for Jessie to get a naming – ‘My Underwear is Wet,’ ‘Wet My Knickers,’ ‘Wet Pussy,’. All good names, but no common consensus. Next time.

On on to home cooked makan.

Scribed by Cock Radio.

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

“Jo … Jo. ”

“Is that you, David?”

“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”

“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple

of more times. Then I have lunch. You’d be proud – lots of greens. Another romp

around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to the golf course again. Then it’s more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again”

“Oh, David, are you in Heaven?”

“No………..I’m a rabbit in Norfolk!

The AGM Run

Hares: Wet Patch & Shoe Shopper

Where: Mt. Sinai Rise

On On: The House of Parker

The Run A good turn out is assembled by the GM, who after 12 months has learnt what time a 6 o’clock run starts. Some scenic running along the other side of the canal saw Sybil as the front running lady (well, for at least 50 metres) after the FRB’s hit a T Check. Tiger Lily missed the paper going up to Commonwealth Ave where another T Check saw Give Way take the lead. Unfortunately a turn of speed and rush of blood in her moment of glory saw her miss the turn up onto the escalator at Dover MRT.

A Circle inside the Singapore Poly Tech was interesting. So was a steep set of steps with a signpost stating that they led to sustainability. A few runners decided they could sustain themselves better by avoiding the steps altogether.

The Underpass back to the canal side of Commonwealth led to another T Check. As we turned back, I looked at Not Good Enough and he looked at me. We both had the same thought -The run must come back to the canal side of Commonwealth at some stage to get runners back home. So with a twinkle in our eyes and a spring in our step, off we set, keeping our eye on the pack running parallel on the other side of the road. While the Pack made its way through a piece of jungle and around the back of a construction site on the way towards Buona Vista MRT, we had a look at a new coffee shop for potential On On possibilities.

At this stage we lost site of the pack, but figured they would make their way to the old railway line, so down we dropped just near Holland Village. Sure enough, there was a Circle Check. Not wanting the FRB’s to see us, we then had a 500 metre sprint along a straight stretch of old railway line till we rounded a bend and collapsed in a heap. After recovering, we knew we were still on trail when we saw an old abandoned chalk board with On On and a smiling face drawn on it. Nice touch.

Despite a cleaner with a pressure hose at the HDB’s doing his best to clean off all the chalk marks, the Trail made it’s way eventually to the Mt. Sinai side of the canal. Giving the 2 finger salute to the walkers on the other side of the canal, we disappeared up a set of steps to find the drink stop in a little playground for a well deserved tipple of vodka.

As Not Good Enough and I had run so fast, we had finished our 3^rd drink and were walking back to the Beer Van when the front runners, who had missed the drink stop turn off, came past us in the opposition direction like chooks with their heads cut off looking for the drinks.

Good run Hares.

The Circle: The GM quickly assembled the wet troops so the gals could head of for their AGM.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? With so many runners missing turns, and different use of a well used area, a good run was declared. Shaggy Dick Too claimed the drink stop was hidden though.

Tell us about your On On: House of Parker, Boxer’s catering, all paid for by the Clurb. Good Run.

Next week’s run: ROM, Fort Canning Park, bring your smart phone.

Visitors / Returnees: There were but I did not have the list.

Virgins: Nope

New Member: Nope.

Lipstick: not this week.

Tits: Sneaky Comer unloaded them onto Tiger Lily, who looked like she was in need of a lift.

[Ed: umm, no, looks like Cock Radio was having a sulk so here’s the real charge:

Sneaky Comer called in Tiger Lily (not present), Wet Brazilian, Posh Nash, and Loose Change. Last Friday, Sneaky Comer was running along with Tiger Lily (cries of bullshit rang out, but it was true, mainly due to some judicious short cutting). Anyway, Sneaky Comer overhead Tiger Lily reporting that “she had a very good instinct for where the trail went”. Well we all know she can’t see trail, but now we know her women’s intuition is blind as well. So how does this relate to the three ladies in the circle? Well all of them displayed Tiger Lily like behavior on the run tonight:

- Give Way, while front running, ran straight over a left turn arrow and thereby led the pack astray at the Dover overpass.

- Wet Brazilian ran right past a right turn arrow on the connector.

- Posh Nash not only ran over the above mentioned right turn, but also called “looking looking” while doing it. For displaying annoying Tiger Lily like tendencies, Posh Nash got the tits.

Dick: Jack Off still with a firm grip on it.

Awards – 700 Runs – Not Tonight.

The Annual Awards. These were momentarily delayed while Sybil, FGM, (Future GM) gave a speech. The speech included the following words – ‘Mustafa, blah blah blah, no F Me shoes, justice, blah blah blah, one Hair, f#*king Hash Hush, and more blah blah. Despite my inability to put her speech into some sort of passage that vaguely resembles the English language, it was very funny and had people doubled over in laughter.

Some other highlights of these awards were the cardboard bags holding the beer award prizes all splitting open, resulting in Wet Patch getting the blame. Tiger Lily, winner of longest run, was quoted before her run as saying ‘It could be a little bit long, maybe 8km.’ We would have been happy with 8km, but a run close to 12km was literally going a bit too far. Cock Radio got the best On On award by taking everyone to 1036 in Sembawang and then getting Forced Entry to order the food.

There were some other highlights but the light rain that began to fall smudged my notes.

(Or was it because I stopped scribing when I did not get the Male Member Award???)

The rain also prompted someone to query why we did not get an umbrella as our AGM gift.

AOB: Not Tonight. I mean, not Jo, but there is no AOB tonight.

Scribed by Cock Radio.

For next week’s smart phone run!

Wouldn’t we all like to do something like this…..especially if you are in a cafe or restaurant, and you have to listen to somebody at the next damned table.
You know how irritating mobile phone users are when they fail to exercise discretion and think the world needs to know their business? When you have enjoyed as much as you can stand you can now get you own back!!!
After a busy day, he settled down in his train from Waterloo for a nap, as far as his destination at Winchester, when the chap sitting near him hauled out his mobile and started up:-

‘Hi darling, it’s Peter, I’m on the train – yes, I know it’s the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting – no, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss, no darling you’re the only one in my life – yes, I’m sure, cross my heart” etc., etc.

This was still going on at Wimbledon, when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,
“Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!!”

The ‘ANZAC’ Run

Hares: Private Cock Radio, Sergeant Sneaky Comer, Breaker Morant Private Simpson and his donkey and the Oz / Kiwi troops.

Where: Bukit Brown Chinese Cemetery

On On: Red Lantern.

The Run A large Pack of close to 50 runners performed a minutes silence in respect of the fallen. Shaggy Dick Too prayed that he would not slip on a grave again and join the fallen. Boo then asked if there had been any exhumations yet. Someone replied no, but there could be a burial soon if he didn’t shut up.

It was nice to welcome back Ugly Bum and Ad Nauseum, and our thoughts have been with you both. (The welcome will no doubt be worn out within 3 2 weeks! Nah, joking lah, we missed you- scribe).

The first T check towards the middle of the cemetery saw the majority of runners follow Boo to the track on the right. Unfortunately for them, trail was to the left. Everyone turned back, except for Boo who was not seen again. A good run already. Gypsy decided to try sampling raw dragonfly. Straight into his mouth it flew. A bad experience for Gypsy, even worse for the dragon fly.

Into some jungle, it was Give Way leading the way, thanks to her pace and cunning in breaking a Check. On surveying a steep, muddy descent, Give Way asked if someone could be at the bottom to catch her. ‘No’ was the answer, ‘but there are plenty of runners at the top ready to give you a push if you don’t hurry up.’

Trail went up the steps to Lornie Rd and headed back towards the PIE. Comes Quietly fell for the old ‘Could be going to Adam Rd trick,’ and crossed the overhead bridge to the other side of Lornie. But it was back into jungle to emerge onto Kheam Hock Rd, just past the cemetery entrance, and just 200 meters from where we had started from 20 minutes earlier. Tiger Lily took the front runners all the way down to the PIE underpass and found a T Check.

Back into the cemetery, the Hares thoughtfully turned into the jungle just before the dog house. However, this did not stop Father Anus from going on straight, taking a group of women with him and being set upon by the dogs.

Up Hobbit’s Hill and down again, back into the jungle and down to the market garden stream. Familiar trails with some twists prevailed, and the runners wound their way back to Home. But not before they took a silly little track up the grass hill, along and back down onto the road again.

5.7 kms, 50 minutes for front runners, 1 hour for the Pack and 90 minutes for some sightseers.

The Circle: The GM manages to get a rather large Circle parked in the well lit used car sale yard, right in front of the sign that said ‘Register for exhumation here.’(GM tally 0)

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? The scribe is certain he heard ‘Run of the year,’ called out, but we settle for a good run. We did lose Boo though. Well done Hares, thanks.

Tell us about your On On: Red Lantern, all the favourites, 10 smackeroos.

Next week’s run: AGM, Mt Sinai Rise, check the front page and map.

Visitors / Returnees: The GM reads out the guest list this time, and reads one female as ‘Sharon Buttocks.’ Well, Shaggy Dick Too and I have always admired Sharon’s bum, but we always refer to her as ‘Sharon Batu.’ (GM Tally 1)

Virgins: Nope

New Member: Nope.

Lipstick: Hoo Ray, Shirley Temple, Lost In Space.

Tits: Wet N Wild, who hopefully washed her shoes after last week’s shitty charge, comes in looking even more voluptuous than normal. Cock Radio for including Breaker Morant in an Anzac Run (Anzac came about in WW1, Breaker Morant fought in Africa during the Boer War), Sneaky Comer for choosing a running site full of dead people as a Remembrance Run site, and Wet Patch, now thinking he is a fully fledged Aussie and was playing Australian music. The tits stay in the family as the voting went horribly wrong.

Dick: Jack Off has taken the Dick to China. (GM responsibility. Tally 11)

Awards – Nope. (see AOB. GM tally 111)

AOB:

· Sneaky Comer charged Father Anus for ignoring the Hares 50 metre long arrow pointing into the jungle and away from the mongrel dogs. But FA led a group of women straight into the Jaws of Death – yes, the infamous Dog House, where he had to fend off the bitches with his big stick.

· The GM keeps Father Anus in for commenting to Two Jugs that she had lost a bit of weight. ‘Just can’t win’ commented Gypsy, referring to men making weight comments to women. Doomed if we do, doomed if we don’t! (unfair sexist charge, GM tally 1111)

· Cunning Licker told how Kan Not Kan turned up at the Thursday Run site – the only thing was it was Tuesday and he was meant to be at the Seletar run. We often thought that he has no idea what day it is, now proven.

· Gypsy informs that Kan Not Kan is the new Sunday GM (bring a chair for the Circle).

· The GM is in the Circle for some reason, scores a vegemite sandwich for her effort and is sent on her way by Gypsy (GM tally- 1111)

· Gypsy thinks it is great to have young people at the Hash, as it gives the rest of us to see what the latest trends and fashions are, referring to Melissa’s haircut. Unfortunately some trends just don’t work for older people, and Gypsy removes his cap to reveal a Mohawk that only went ¼ of the way up the back of his head. Good try mate.

· Talking of new members, at the last Committee Meeting, Zipp and Forced Entry were engaged in very excited conversation about a young male visitor last week. So they got all dressed up this week in the hope of impressing him, but he is not here. (GM should not allow this sort of talk at Committee Meetings – GM tally 1111 1)

· Deep Throat informs us that Zipp and Forced Entry have even been ranking young men. You would never catch males doing that (ranking young women that is, not young men).

· Ugly Bum thanked the Hares for providing her with some excitement on the run – a Chinese man bathing naked in the stream. No, it was not Boo. Thank heavens.

· Sybil quickly has everyone squatting, sitting, or in Sneaky Comer’s case, lying on the ground. Charge went sort of like this. ‘Dogs, Father Anus, Father Anus big stick. Wait, 2 friends missing. ‘ZIPP!’ so called husband to find. Be f#*king quiet will you, I am talking. Find Mel. Who is Mel? Dances With Kerbs – we are pioneers, next time no need to wait for us lah.’ And there you have it. Simple.

· An award is then given, despite the fact this item should have been dealt with before AOB. Ad Nauseum for 50 ‘recent’ runs. (He and Ugly Bum had a number of years away from the Hash with personal commitments. Scribe) Off comes the shirt, and finally someone says he can breathe out now. (GM tally 1111 11)

· Stiffy, pointing to Boo’s car parked in front of a sign, announces that Singapore now has drive through exhumations. Herr Zipp, who has just arrived in a taxi wearing a suit, is brought in as an undertaker. ‘Burial, exhumation, crucifixion or freedom?’ Always look on the bright side of life…..

· Shaggy Dick Too overheard Virginia Slim talking about getting a stiff one. Normally, this would be acceptable for a male to be discussing the state of his Associate Membership. However, Slim was just following up Stiffy’s charge about Singapore having the world’s first drive thru exhumation centre. Slim commented ‘It’s nice to have a take away sometimes.’ He then started singing a few verses of a song, titled ‘My name is Jack, I’m a Necro#hi*liac. For those interested in further info that your scribe is dead scared to get into, click on: http://oh3.no/songs/just_plain_sick.htm#MY_NAME_IS_JACK

· Tiger Lily look alike, Ugly Bum, is charged by the GM. Tiger was heard to comment on the run ‘I’m not very good at finding trail.’ A slight understatement we think. 4 Hash songs are then sung at once, which shows lack of GM control. (GM tally 1111 111)

· Final GM tally stuff ups – 8 (I think I will regret providing this data – scribe).

On On to the Red Lantern. (Sorry SD 2, we ordered herbal chicken). And we had 2 tables of 11, thanks everyone.

Scribed by Cock Radio.

GOLF

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, ‘What’s with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!’

The Indian Doctor chimed in, ‘I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such poor golf!’

The Chinese businessman called out ‘Move it, time is money’

The Catholic Priest said, ‘Here comes George the green keeper. Let’s have a word with him.’

‘Hello, George’ Said the Catholic Priest. ‘What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?’

George the green keeper replied, ‘Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free any time.’

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, ‘That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.’

The Indian Doctor said, ‘Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.’

The Chinese Businessman replied, ‘I think I’ll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls.’

The Aussie said, ‘Why the f**k can’t they play at night?’

The ‘Back To Basics’ Run

Hares: Handbag (a basic person?)

Where: Jalan Loyang Besar, Car Park A

On On: Basic food

The Run: When is a live Hare run not actually a live Hare run? When the Hare, for reasons that will become known later on, has to set part of the run the night before.

Off went Handbag carrying a little bag of chalk, chased after by a small but eager Pack 5 minutes later.

Things soon became a bit shitty for some runners, and at the first bit of jungle Wet N Wild put her foot in it. Was she trying to come in turd? Sneaky Comer lost his forward momentum, stalled and began stumbling backwards when negotiating up and over a fallen tree. Only a hefty push from behind by Maggot and CR prevented him from falling onto us and squashing the shit out of us. A close call.

A bit of road running, interrupted by some Checks at intersections that had runners searching in 4 directions and then into another bit of jungle. Emerging near Down Town East, it became evident to a few wily runners that the Hare was leading us down towards the canal at the other end of Pasir Ris Park. Sure enough, that’s where we ended up. Into the Park past the canal, (or at the canal for walkers and short cutters), down some steps at the only part of Pasir Ris that is more than 1 metre above sea level and then a run back by the lovely fresh sea air. (Fresh if you avoided being near Wet n Wild and her shitty shoe).

With possible short cuts aplenty, everyone was back together for a run that was a bit like the Hare – a bit on the short side but good fun. Well done Handbag. (And no one caught him, thank heavens. We really did not want to see his bare bum).

For those that were not at the Run, we are not going to tell you if it was a clockwise or anticlockwise run, just to keep you clueless for Handbag’s next Pasir Ris Run.

The Circle: The GM gets us to form an Oblong.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Too shitty, too basic, Good Run! Well done Hare, thanks.

Tell us about your On On: Poor man’s Subway. Make your own with bread, chicken breast, tuna mayo, salad etc. How much? Free! Great run.

Next week’s run: Bukit Brown Cemetery, Anzac Day. Red Lantern.

Visitors / Returnees: The GM has a go at calling out the visitors without referring to the Guest List. Melissa, Suck n Swallow, Who the F#*k is Christine, Vibrator. Not a bad attempt GM, but Melissa paid her subs tonight, so is no longer a Visitor but a member.

Virgins: Nope

New Member: Melissa, who has instantly lowered the average membership age by 5 years. After her new member down down, Hooray then told her to ‘f#*k off out of the Circle now,’ thus incurring himself to a splattering of lipstick.

Lipstick: Hooray is dragged back in and receives a double whammy of lipstick, and was joined by Vibrator.

Tits: Pubic Zipp comes in complaining of how heavy her Tits are. Wet n Wild has no sympathy for her though. Tiger Lily, Twin Towers and Wet n Wild are brought in. Tiger Lily for using 10 bottles of water to wash with, a disproportionate quantity compared to her body size. Twin Towers for claiming she was bitten by jellybeans while swimming at Phuket. And Wet n Wild for finding human shit in the jungle and bringing back a sample on her shoe. Wet n Wild wins the Tits for putting her foot in it and being the turd person in what can only be described as a shitty charge.

Dick: Jack Off’s head was the last place the Dick was seen 2 weeks ago. Apparently that night, as she was going through customs at the Causeway, an Officer asked her ‘What is that Dick doing on your head?’ She replied ‘That Dick is my husband thank you.’ Boom boom.

Awards – Nope. Although if there was a most original hair style award, Melissa had it in the bag.

AOB:

· As per tradition, Hand Bag charges himself. Hand Bag rushed back from India yesterday, laid paper on the jungle sections, went and organized the food and then headed off to work today. Finally he got to open his emails at 5.29 tonight, and from the boss was ‘Get those documents to me by 12 today.’ Mmm, can the boss tell if I have opened this message or not????? Or can I leave it till tomorrow, pleading I did not see the email?? Phone rings. Don’t answer the phone, it’s the boss. Oh shit. Better cover myself, I’ll call the boss back. He dials the Boss’ number, lets it ring 1 time and hangs up. Well, he can’t say I didn’t ring back. Phone rings again, the Boss again. Can’t ignore him 2 times. ‘Hi Boss.’ ‘Welcome back Allan, now where are those documents?’ ‘Not quite complete boss, ready first thing in the morning, don’t worry, I’m on the job.’ Puts phone down, races out door and arrives at run site at 5.50 to set the remainder of his run. So we are lucky to have a run tonight. Well done Handbag, your priorities are good!!!

· Maggot now puts 2 and 2 together. As Handbag was in such a rush last night, he did not have time to go to the toilet when he got home. As he had just arrived back from India, this was an unwise move, and the previous day’s curry must have come back to revisit him, thus explaining the turd in the jungle that Wet n Wild stepped in.

· Cock Radio has another theory. By leaving toilet paper out in the bush for 24 hours, it was like a magnet to some foreign construction workers who made good use of a couple of pieces, which could also explain the mystery turd.

· Herr Zipp, on taking in Melissa’s new ‘unique’ hair style, is reminded of his American home and the Mohawk Indians. Gypsy tells us that in American Indian language, (According to Wikipedia, so it must be true), Mohawk means ‘Man Eater.’ Immediately a queue of males lined up in front of Melissa.

· Sneaky Comer, after hearing what is for tea, has a theory on why Handbag was so rushed tonight – he had been doing Tina Tuna all afternoon, not Tuna Mayo.

· Vibrator reckons that the Gossips wine that the Harriets are drinking is more suited to Lion City members. Let’s talk about that one, behind their backs of course.

· The GM accuses CR for getting in touch with his feminine side. Why? I was seen sipping a glass of white wine after the run. You can decide for yourself if this charge is true or just Gossip.

· Virginia Slim learnt that, at great expense to her parents, Melissa is going to Smith College in the US to further her education. (I would have thought after 3 weeks of the Harriets, her education has been furthered enough – scribe). However, she could have saved her parents a lot of money by going to the Singapore Smith Family School of Higher Education, run by none other than our own Smiths, Gypsy, Zipp, Stiff and Stiffener.

· Shaggy Dick Too, due to Shoe Shopper not being able to come to the run tonight as her husband had run off with the maid for a week, had the unfortunate experience of watching 2 Aussies trying to communicate in order to get to the run tonight. Man can dock a space shuttle to a research station in outer space, but Maggot and Cock Radio, via 23 hand phone conversations, could not find each other outside Tanjong Pagar MRT.

· The GM tells us we are losing 2 regular visitors (‘Are they going to become members instead?’ asks Gypsy). Suck Swallow and Who The F is Christine are departing Singapore’s shores.

· Hooray was asked a personal no no question by Melissa – just how old are the members of this Hash?

· The GM had called ‘Form a Circle’ 5 times tonight, then was asked 20 seconds later by Tiger Lily ‘When are we going to form a Circle?’ The girl is deaf as well as blind.

· Melissa, who is sporting a new haircut that can only be described as ‘different,’ was asked by Tiger Lily if she did it to raise money for charity. Deaf, blind and cheeky!

· But Tiger Lily reckons Melissa is ok, as she thinks that Tiger Lily has not reached the age of 30 yet. Yeah right, and I’m 21.

· Vibrator actually wonders if there is anyone here tonight that could be less than double Melissa’s age. Luckily Twin Towers was here to save us, as there were quite a few people more than 3 times Melissa’s age.

· Notification from Wet n Wild – we have only had sex (Kiwi talk for 6) responses for the awards so far.

· AGM May 2

· This The just gone Saturday, Kampong Run is was at Kent Ridge, the first of a week of ANZAC runs. Sneaky Comer is was the Hare. It will be was a good run.

· And Tiger Lily finishes off by asking who left their running shoes by the gutter, it’s a men’s pair. Melissa claims them. Tiger Lily – blind, deaf, cheeky and just plain dumb. A true Japanese blonde bimbo!

On on to the poor man’s Subway. Don’t worry about going to the car to get your wallet Not Tonight.

Scribed by Cock Radio.

Warning for male members.

Beer contains female hormones.

Yes, that’s right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn’t drive.

7) Failed to think rationally,

8) Had to sit down while urinating.And then left the toilet seat down.

No further testing was considered necessary!

The ‘Dam It’ Run

Hares: Wet Pet, Pubic Zipp

Where: Marina Barrage

On On: Dinner box on site.

The Run: Up the ramp of the Marina Barrage for a loop of the lookout deck for a bit of kite flying and nice views. A few of us who knew better took a seat out on the barrage wall and looked up to take in the nice views of runners making their way around the top of the deck. Comes Quietly was going the other way, possibly looking for the lift down.

Then down the other ramp and across the barrage wall, observed keenly by the security guards. Too Easy, who had arrived late, bypassed the observation deck and went straight over the barrage, where she was found hiding in bushes next to the first T Check.

We then proceeded in what appeared to be an anti clockwise direction through a series of construction sites that were connected by very shiggy mud tracks, along which rumbled an endless line of trucks and cement mixers. At one stage, I dared to take my eye from the line of trucks threatening to flatten us, and I think I did observe a lovely green golf course to our left.

Unfortunately, it’s inviting serenity and safety was cut off from us by a big fence.

A work supervisor at a construction site directed us through a line of parked cement mixers (that were hiding the trail markings) and through a hole in a fence. It was not long after this that the Hares decided to switch trail to a clockwise direction to head for home.

Apparently, the real trail went along more of the same muddy, shiggy construction trails and sites, winding in and out of cement mixers to reach home back across the Barrage in 1 hour.

Bagless Too, Stiff and myself, who continued in an anti clockwise direction, took the more adventurous route, despite 3 Indian construction workers saying cannot lah. Eventually finding a way over the KPE tunnel, we squeezed along the edge of a slip road to end up on the ECP. Despite no cash card for the ERP, we made our way along the edge, dropping down at the bridge to the gardens along the water.

One final obstacle was the construction gate just before the Barrage, which caused a quick 200-meter dash to sneak through before it was locked. While we made it through, unbeknown to us, Virginia Slim and Not Tonight were still strolling in the park as the gate locked.

Wet Patch was not feeling so adventurous with a dodgy tummy, and made an emergency landing into the Brewerkz toilets and then made his own way home.

Well done Hares, best run I have done from this car park.

The Circle: The stand in GM, Wet n Wild, calls us to order, and achieves forming a rather distorted Circle. Rather fitting, actually.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Too many trucks, lorries, cement mixers. And way too dusty. Well done.

Tell us about your On On: Dinner box of rice, chicken and other stuff, $5.

Next week’s run: Pasir Ris, Jalan Loyang Besar Car Park A (take a left on the part of Jalan Loyang Besar that is near the beach/park), on site makan, possibly a live Hare run.

Visitors / Returnees: Paulina, Who The F#*k is Christine, Ember, Totally Unacceptable, Missionary Position, Martin, Stiff and Bagless Too.

Virgins: A male sacrifice. And Melissa, recent ex virgin.

New Member: Nope.

Lipstick gloss: Cock Radio, Stiff, Wet Patch, Sneaky Comer [ed for being too smart to run up the top of the barrage building and back again].

Tits: Virginia Slim tells how Pubic Zipp has always had her eyes on him, but tonight she committed an act of jealous outrage. As he arrived late, and so did Not Tonight, the 2 of them were directed by the Hare to go for a pleasant stroll over the dam wall and into the gardens. Little did they know that the Hare was sending them down the Path of Death, as the Hare failed to tell them that the gate back to the dam is locked at 7pm.

So there they were at 7.05, so near to home yet so far away, locked out.

So there was only one thing to do – into the water. Throwing Not Tonight in first, to check the depth and clear away any crocodiles, they made it around the locked fence and returned safely. So the jealous one, Pubic Zipp, gets the Tits.

Dick: Jack Off takes a down down for forgetting the Dick. Or was it confiscated at the Causeway Checkpoint last week??

Awards – Nope.

AOB:

· Hooray, making a habit of charging first, charges the Hares for failing to name this the Mugabe Run (apparently Robert Mugabe, infamous President of Zimbabwe has been in Singapore for a bit of surgery – scribe).

· Fat Crashing Bastard remembers Cock Radio taking a fall while running 6 years ago, putting him into hospital and his whole leg into plaster. But he was impressed with my composure tonight as I tripped, managing a pike with half twist before commando rolling into the bushes. (Maggot put it into Australian words – I went down like a bag of shit).

· Shaggy Dick Too was asked by a Harriet to remind her ‘not to wear these shoes again.’ So he immediately replied, ‘Don’t wear those shoes again.’ And just to make sure, he added ‘they look crap.’ This promptly got poor Shaggy a slap across the face. And when he asked her if she did any shopping on her recent trip to that shopping mecca, Hong Kong, the reply was ‘I’m not really a shopper.’ On in Shoe Shopper.

· All the Phils were invited into the Circle, and there were a few ring ins I think. Seems like Shoe Shopper was more concerned about these other Phil’s rather than the welfare of her own husband Phil, who was still out missing somewhere on the run.

· Maggot told us there was an 8.9 earthquake in Sumatra this evening, apparently triggered by Cock Radio hitting the ground when he tripped. Who ate all the pies?

· Stiff reminds us that we tend to forget things, as we get older, as evidenced by a charge being left out of last week’s run report, because the scribe ‘forgot’ the charge. Or was it selective forgetfulness, as Stiff recalls that the charge was about the scribe wanting to do rub Jack Off’s bottom, and chatting up the virgin. Did the scribe not want these lewd acts published??

· Herr Zipp, with the Tits on his back, then did a waltz with Virginia Slim, who hung on tightly to the pair of mammary glands.

· Gypsy reminds us that the purpose of a T check is to keep the Pack together by making the faster runners travel a further distance and then have to come back again. So why did Wet Pet, a Hare, yell out to Tiger Lily, SD2 et al ‘Don’t go that way, it’s a back check.’ What’s the point of having a back check asks Gypsy.

· Jack Off was a little confused when trying to count with Not Tonight how many Phils were in the Circle before. She was certain that Not Tonight’s total included Shoe Shopper, who Jack Off, after much careful thinking and deliberation, had declared ‘Shoe Shopper is not a Phil.’ Watch out for the shooting stars.

· Sneaky Comer, being a resident of the East Coast, knows the area like the back of his hand. However, his wife is a different case. Wet n Wild was sure she knew the way back, and started to take off. ‘Unless they have moved the Beer Wagon from Marina Barrage to Changi Airport, don’t go that way,’ is the advice given by Sneaky to his confused (blonde) wife.

· Shaggy Dick Too has a surprising charge – Tiger Lily didn’t have a clue where she was on tonight’s run. And just how many fun runs, marathons and triathlons has she done that take in the East Coast and Shears Bridge? Seriously, how does she ever finish her races?

· Virginia Slim recalls how the area over the other side of the river was once a grassland with low bushes, and was a popular hang out area for older males who fancied younger boys. So who was SD2, Maggot and Sneaky Comer trying to entice with their drink bottles over there tonight?

· Shoe Shopper was told by Kamala, ‘You can’t keep and reheat Chinese food, it smells.’ Unlike Indian food that does not excrete any smell whats so ever?

On on to $5 dinner box.

Scribed by Cock Radio.

The ‘Qing Ming,’ Run

Hares: Virginia Slim.

Where: Chua Chu Kang Cemetery, Jalan Bahar.

On On: Steamboat.

The Run: The GM wondered why no one wanted to gather around where she was standing in the open until she realized we all refused to leave the shade of a tree. Yes, it was a hot, sunny afternoon.

Melissa, the 18 year old virgin was asked by the GM if she knew what to do on the run.

The virgin then confidently replied yes, she had been doing some reading and it all made sense. It was suggested then that she explain to the rest of us, because nothing on the Hash makes sense to us.

The Hare gave a lengthy speech on a range of items, then told us On On was down the road and past the long kang. Tiger Lily sped off past the drain and into the sunset, completely missing the turn off into the bush.

The Pack was confronted by a very steep slippery embankment. I was taking 1 step forward and 6 backwards, the virgin was faring no better. I used my long pole to advantage, and then offered it to the virgin to grab hold off. A little reluctant at first, she had to be shown how to use a 2 handed grip for maximum effect.

The Run had a combination of nice kampong trails, lots of Checks, Virginia Slim made trails, and off course the inevitable shiggy, including stream crossings. Jack Off ended up with a very muddy bottom, the Virgin needed to be thrown a life buoy when she plunged into a stream, Stiff cleared away cobwebs for us, as well as making a mess of himself when he gloated about finding an easy way down an embankment, Wet Patch was very unsocial and forged his own course through the trees parallel to the rest of us on trail (we think he was farting), and Stiffy made a pig of himself by setting off a wild boar trap. And Gypsy was a FRB.

It was Melissa who led the way out of the bush onto the path for the last 200 meters home, but of course Tiger Lily could not be outdone by a Virgin and surged past her.

Pack back in 1 hour, great run.

The Circle: The GM calls us to order, and actually achieves a degree of success.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Unanimous – Good run! Although there could have been more checks and more mossies. Well done.

Tell us about your On On: Steamboat – back down the road, under the expressway, Jurong West Ave 5, opposite police station, turn right ….. Follow the Hare.

Next week’s run: No one seems to know and the GM doesn’t care as she won’t be there. Your scribe suggests that it will probably be a good Circle then, and was promptly spanked for disrespect.

Visitors / Returnees: Krit, Stiff. Lost and Found found his way as a returnee.

Virgins: Melissa.

New Member: Nope.

Lipstick: Cock Radio and Shaggy Dick Too – someone called out for the virgin to stop, which she did, causing the poor 2 Associate Members to go one step past her.

Loose Change was then charged – she was explaining to the Virgin what the lipstick was all about, and told her that the GM always forgets to bring it. However, tonight she actually remembered.

Tits: Zipp received a call from Aberdeen –

Concerned Aunty – ‘Help, my niece wants to run the Hash tonight, she has never run Hash before, the run is way out west in a cemetery, she is only 18, who will look after her????’

Zipp – ‘I will.’

Concerned Aunty – ‘You are too slow.’

Zipp – ‘Ok, Gypsy will then.’

Concerned Aunty – Oh no, he is worse than you.’

Zipp – ‘The Hare is Virginia Slim.’

Concerned Aunty – ‘Oh, he is such a nice man, he will look after my 18 year old virgin niece.

Virginia Slim wins the Tits for creating false images of himself.

Dick: Gypsy likes playing a game, whereby you hear a snippet of information and then try to imagine how the rest of it may go. Well, this is what he thought may be the rest of the conversation to a snippet he overheard.

Jack Off should sit in the back seat.

Make sure no one else is watching.

Have plenty of Kleenex handy.

So just what was the snippet of information that led Gypsy to these thoughts?

He heard Jack Off say ‘I don’t know how to make him come on a bus.’

Jack Off takes the Dick. (Please remember to take it off your head before you cross the Causeway tonight.)

Awards – Nope.

AOB:

· Hooray questions if Maggot and Lost and Found are look alikes? Nooo. The rest of the charge involved Loose Change and Stiffener, but I lost it, as the Hash Brew was busy telling me to write ‘It was a beautiful evening.’ And it certainly was Zipp, how was that sunset!

· The GM rightfully (for once) declares that the Hare put a lot of effort into setting this run, and questions why Wet Patch spent 90% of the time making his own route (effects of last night’s curry?)

· Stiffy was asked by Loose Change and Kan The Kobra – ‘Krit? Is that his Hash name?’ No, his Hash name is Graham.

· Slocum declares that it is now 9 years of marriage to Jack Off. (Where’s the T Shirts??? Some collectors will now have an incomplete set).

· Stiffy said to Kan The Kobra how fantastic the full moon was tonight, conspicuous as it shone overhead. After scanning the night sky for several minutes, she failed to identify it. Give the girl a telescope.

· Your humble scribe then created an avalanche of disastrous proportions. It started when I declared that people need to know their place on the run. Stiff attempted to overtake me on the left and ran face first into a massive spider web.

Not learning from this, 10 minutes later he watched me negotiating a steep, slippery descent to a stream, and looking to his left he sighted what he believed was a much simpler route by which he could get up the other side before me. With a gloating snicker and gleam in his eye, he veered left on his alternative crossing. This was followed by a cry of ‘Oh no …. Ahhh sh#t…… ouch….oh f#*k it….’ as he slipped and slid on his bum down the muddy embankment towards the stream. I did not notice Stiff attempting to overtake me again.

· Stiff then got the avalanche rolling. Cock Radio for something. (Can’t remember what, I was caught off guard, sorry).

· Kamala to Cock Radio for moaning and groaning excessively in front of the Virgin.

· Gypsy to Cock Radio for only offering his long pole to the 18 year old Virgin and ignoring everyone else.

· The GM to Cock Radio for repeatedly calling ‘Need a Circle,’ everytime I was tired.

· Not Tonight then rescued your now slightly unbalanced scribe, and charged Stiffy for being a bigger pig than he normally is and setting off the wild boar trap.

· Maggot charged Stiffy and Not Tonight for scratching around a Circle Check like 2 old chooks.

· Not Tonight then thanked Maggot for being an Aussie hero and coming to their rescue at the Circle Check.

· Comes Quietly recalls how once at this run site, Shoe Shopper commented on the how close the full moon looked. With his torch, Comes Quietly highlighted the alleged full moon – a circular road sign under the tree. Have another drink with Jack Off and check the shooting stars as well.

· The Gm does not allow Dances With Kerbs and Kamala off – they have been sitting all night.

On on to Steamboat, don’t ask me for directions.

Scribed by Cock Radio.

Irish Birth Control

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ to ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan. And didn’t I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?’

She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Father.’

The Father asked, ‘And be there any wee little ones yet?’

She replied, ‘No, not yet, Father.’

The Father said, ‘Well now, I’m going to Rome next week and I’ll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.’

She replied, ‘Oh, thank ye, Father…’

They then parted ways..
Some years later they met again.

The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?’

She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Father!’

The Father asked, ‘And tell me , Have ye any wee ones yet?’

She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten in all!’

The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?’
She replied, ‘E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin’ candle.’

The ‘Get Your Saints Right’ Run

Hares: Lethal Weapon & Posh Nash.

Where: St James Georges Church car park, Dempsey

On On: Botak Jones Al a Carte.

The Circle: The Wet Brazilian called the circle to order but forgot that the hares, hash brew and scribe were all showering, so nothing was ready except for her list of who’s who. Special note to Virginia Slim who is currently twisting the vision in his head: No, the hares, hash brew and scribe were not all showering together.

The Circle really starts: Ten minutes later, after the initial call, the Wet Brazilian has managed to pour some drinks for the circle herself and found the scribe, Cock Radio, hiding inside the dumpster. She calls out “Hares front & center, please”. Sadly, they are still showering so we move on.

Next week’s run: Virginia Slim stepped forward to tell us about next week’s cemetery run which will be a celebration of Qing Ming. Bring your brooms for sweeping but don’t be disappointed like everyone else in the circle was. The run is not going to be in Bukit Brown. Apparently Singapore has another graveyard somewhere in the west that is every bit as historical, picturesque, park-like and convenient as our favorite cemetery, Bukit Brown. Unfortunately, it is not so close to the Red Lantern but you can’t have everything.

Next week’s run will be at the Cho Chu Kang Cemetery at the junction of Christian Cemetery Path 6 and Christian Cemetery Path 7. Park on Christian Cemetery Path 6 and avoid the paths with names including 1, 2 (except to get to 7), 3, 4, 5, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22 and 23 as well as Muslim, Hindu, Chinese or Parsi. The run will include a stop at the grave of Mike Croft, a Singapore hash legend.

The Hares finally dry off: Posh Nash and Lethal Weapon were finally dried off and presentable so they came into the circle to a rousing chorus of “They’re alright…”. The run was considered a good one with deceptive uses of back checks, bounced checks and tight figure of eight trails. For a while it appeared we would never be more than 200 meters from the car park but eventually we made it over into the direction of Ridout Road, Margaret Drive and back between the old black and white houses of Tanglin to the Cricket Club fields.

Tell us about your On On: (It took some extra time because the Wet Brazilian had to be reminded by Cock Radio what came next). Botak Jones Backyard ala carte. A band had also been hired by the hares to entertain the hash until the wee hours (i.e., the hour when you had to wee). Damn good for $10, I’d say.

Visitors: I didn’t get the list from the Wet Brazilian as she was still mad at me for helpfully pointing out the trail to her so from memory, visitors included Dead Fish (the origin of the smell), Sandra (look alike Forced Entry), Bagless II (the good one), Stiff (hardly there), Vibrator (dead batteries) and Cock Radio (in disguise). Welcome to one and all.

Virgins: Not a single new nubile piece of fresh meat to be had.

Tits: Some boob still has them and isn’t giving them back.

Dick: Some prick still has it and isn’t giving it back.

Lipstick: Dead Fish, Hooray, Father Anus, Herr Zipp, Comes Quietly and Cock Radio all got their faces painted because of an infraction, real or imagined, on the run. Gypsy was also guilty but the victim of a dirty trick. The Wet Brazilian didn’t make him drink though because, and I am just speculating here, she thinks he is nicest, best looking and most intelligent hasher in Singapore.

Announcement: The Wet Brazilian reminded everyone to return their voting forms for the academy awards and committee nominations. If you don’t, all awards will go to her and all committee positions will be filled by men.

AOB:

§ Fat Crashing Bastard called in Wet Pet who falsely accused him of not doing the run. Not only did he do the whole run (except some bits and boobs at the end) but he finished with the sweeper despite starting 25 minutes late. How did he manage that? Every check had been closed by the hares. In FCB’s opinion, the hares should win the award for the best lay of the year.

§ Herr Zipp called in hare, Lethal Weapon, for her most precise and descriptive directions on how to find this week’s run site. Last week she said, and I quote, “It’s where that road is that leads to a car park”. Having narrowed down the options, the next helpful clue was in the newsletter “The car park behind St James’ Church”. Sadly, the hares don’t know one saint from the next as the run was behind St. Gregory’s Church. St. James’ Church is a good 2.17912km further out of town, as the crow flies. It was amazing that anyone turned up.

§ Stiff called in the hares (actually, they never left the circle) for an infringement that seemed to escalate in confusion for them as time progressed. Stiff thought it odd that there was a short and a long run split 45 minutes into the run and that the long run seemed to be a long slog down the length of Tanglin Road. Posh Nash said there was not two runs but Lethal Weapon was with Stiff when he saw the sign for the split. After several minutes of arguing, the hares agreed to disagree.

§ Virginia Slim passed on the option of giving a down down to the hares and called in the GM instead. He donated $10 to the hash because he assumed we were running out of cash. He thought that the down downs were all water as we could not afford the beer but it turned out that only one person so far that evening had water – Posh Nash. He should have just stuck to the script and given the hares a down down like everyone else.

§ Stiff gave Stiffy a stiff drink because the new granddad and working stiff, Stiffy, almost got stiff with rigor mortis when he barely avoided getting run over by a car when his new found dementia reared up and he walked out in the middle of the road without looking first.

§ To be fair to the fairer sex, the fair Wet Brazilian charged Not Tonight for being a new grandmom. Not Tonight fared well throughout the delivery (by sleeping) but she, in turn, also charged Boo CB for his premature exclamation. Coincidentally, he had called her “Grandma” at one run last year, just hours after NT found out that her daughter was pregnant.

§ The Wet Brazilian awarded a 50^th run award to the award winning hare, Posh Nash. Sadly, the handkerchief that PN received to mark the occasion actually fit over the clothes that she was wearing so there was no flash of skin or bones.

§ Fat Crashing Bastard called into the circle just about every single person on the run (including but definitely not limited to Too Easy, Stiffener, Lethal Weapon, Wet Brazilian, Not Tonight, Dances with Curbs, Slippery Bum, etc.). Last week, they brought to life his childhood fantasy of being attended to, hand and foot, by a bevy of beauties. They all helped keep him alive until the ambulance showed up last week whence FCB could tell the paramedics to piss off. Apparently, they were males and ruining his fantasy. FCB still hasn’t seen a doctor (Men!) but he wished to express his most sincere and deep appreciation to his saviors by giving them a drink paid for by the hash.

§ Stiffy called in Comes Quietly for coming illegally. It seems CQ was setting a bad example for the students of Stiffy’s school by driving through the school parking lot with the hand phone pressed to his ear. Comes quietly wanted to press the phone to his leg but he just could not hear as well.

Scribed by Gypsy.

The ‘Put Your Running Shoes On, Lap of the City’ Run

Hares: Dances with Kerbs & Sybil.

Where: Lower Car Park, Legends, Fort Canning Park

On On: Boxers Tandoori Chicken and other Indian nosh.

The Run

Well the hares did warn us it would be a road run. A very small but enthusiastic group gathered at the far end of the lower car park and were sent off down the car park and up the hill on the grass for the only thing that wasn’t concrete.

It is nice to have a run set by experienced hares. The early checks in Fort Canning had our super fast front running blind bast$&rds completely flummoxed and slowed them down enough for those of us older and slower to catch up. We did loops up and over and eventually found our way onto the overpass over River Valley Road and down the river to the Anderson Bridge. After that we went back towards Boat Quay, over through China Square, and from there it was anyone’s guess. By this point we were running short of checks and the FRBs were long gone. When we did encounter a check at China Square it was ‘sort of broken’ but we could find no sign of the on despite a lot of checking, so we ended up making our own way back.

For details on the real run, please check with Stiffy, who claims to have done it all. If I can have your indulgence for a short whinge, it would be nice if the FRB’s would, once in a while, break a check and call “on on” when they find trail. This is a hash, not a road race. Thanks.

The Circle: The GM was present. She clearly had another engagement though, because she started calling the circle at around 7:30 and kept doing so until we bothered to show up.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? “Too much jungle”; “best back check ever set in Fort Canning Park”. Good run! Thanks hares.

Tell us about your On On: Is on site Indian food by boxer. Dances with Kerbs acted as ventriloquist while Boxer described the food.

Next week’s run: Lethal Weapon snuck into the circle and whispered to the GM (not softly enough, since most of the circle heard her): “what’s the name of that road with the car park?” Umm, let me think. So there you have it, Lethal Weapon and Posh Nash will be waiting for you in the car park on that road. Good luck.

Visitors / Returnees: Knobby Boy Scout and Bagless Too.

Virgins: Nope.

New Member: Nope.

Lipstick: Since Stiffy had been loudly proclaiming to anyone who would listen that he was the only one to come back on trail, he was declared a front running Associate Member. No complaints, he came in to the circle with a smile on his face.

Tits and Dick were not in obvious attendance. However, they were hiding behind the car, and in strutted Kannot Kan, with the Dick, and Kan the Kobra, with “freshly washed” tits. The thing is, Kannot Kan told us, Kan the Kobra wanted to keep the tits. Therefore, they swapped awards and are off for another week of titillation. Only now, Kan the Kobra has the Dick and Kannot Kan has the Tits.

Prizes Awards:

· Ugly Slippery Bum gets a lovely photo frame in recognition of 200 runs. The GM wants to know who is that in the photo? Umm, that would be Slippery Bum J

· Kan the Kobra ignores all calls of “off off off” and puts on her shirt for 150 runs over the top. “Too small”, she exclaims. “No, too sexy” replies the On Sec.

· Forced Entry doesn’t need to be forced to remove her top for her 50 runs shirt. Virginia Slim is keen to remove it again.

· Suzee Wong, after a little cajoling, is also willing to change into her 250 runs shirt.

· Stiffener had noticed the awards going on and had a quick word with the GM. “Hey, if there is an award there for me can I go and check my bra first, it might be see-through”. Unfortunately, from the viewpoint of the Associate Members, it wasn’t, but nevertheless Stiffener changes into her 50 runs shirt.

AOB:

· Hooray points out that a Marmite factory somewhere has burnt down (ed: actually damaged in the earthquake), and so now New Zealander’s are required to eat Vegemite imported from Australia. Wet ‘n Wild gets a drink to wash down the vegemite with. Ed: I don’t see the issue, Vegemite is clearly superior. http://asiancorrespondent.com/78508/marmageddon-new-zealand-runs-out-of-marmite/

· Wet Patch has so many charges for Stiffy he decides to settle on just one. As we proceeded through the wooden doors at the top of Fort Canning, Stiffy was nice enough to close the doors to prevent any following Harriets from over-taking him to stop him from getting lipstick.

· Fat Crashing Bastard has noticed that Shoe Shopper is Shoeless, and hence is charged with abusing her hash name.

· Fat Crashing Bastard also reminds us that Too Easy has just had her birthday. No cake, you lucky bast^&ds had enough of a good time running off to Switzerland for a quick ski.

· Sneaky Comer asks Herr Zipp and Pubic Zipp how they got their hash names. This is of course a trick question, because Herr Zipp had already confessed he had forgotten how this happened, “sometime in 2003”. Being a dedicated historian SC looked it up in the archives. However, before he could explain, Not Tonight ran in and claimed that they were named related to a peeing incident. Thus proving Sneaky Comer’s point that the memory seems to diminish with age. All three got a drink to refresh their memories. Primary source and explanation available at http://www.singaporeharriets.com/Newsletters/SingaporeHarrietsRun1568.pdf

· Wet Brazilian takes Knobby Boy Scout to task for confusing her with Dances with Kerbs.

· Stiffy wants “wifey” (Not Tonight) in the circle. Apparently Not Tonight had claimed she was attending the Current and Former Committee Members’ brunch on Sunday. Later in the day, as they drove past the SRC, Not Tonight pointed out the venue to Stiffy saying “look, that’s where we were today”. Problem is, Stiffy knew the brunch had been at the cricket club. So where were you, Not Tonight – off two timing, or did you just forget where you were?

· Fat Crashing Bastard had a “wifey” related charge. Early in the evening Wet ‘n Wild had asked FCB if his wifey was with him? FCB appeared to ignore her, so WNW pointed out a little more loudly that “I am talking to you but you can’t see my lips moving”. Give the ventriloquist a note.

· Penile Extension points out that, fearing rain, he had borrowed a canopy from Loose Change. Unfortunately, it promptly broke; so here’s too Short Change(r).

· Stiffy follows this up by pointing out that he had previously given a canopy to Penile Extension – where is that?

At this point, the circle was abandoned due to a few drops of rain.

Scribed by Sneaky Comer, having fought off Not Tonight for the pen.

The ‘Kan Not Kan Birthday’ Run

Hares: Kan Not Kan & Kan The Kobra.

Where: Under the PIE at Whitley Rd

On On: Boxers stew and stuff.

The Run

It was a bit difficult to disguise some of the Hash cars as a bus or a lorry in this Heavy Vehicle Car Park, but we got away with it. Speaking of vehicles, a very interesting start across the PIE slipway leading onto Thompson Rd. We were half way across the 3 lanes of stationary traffic when the lights changed to green. Frantically I pushed Posh Nash forward and across into a small gap that was about to be consumed by a bloody big bus. I have no idea how the rest of the Pack made it across, but Posh Nash’s heart rate was racing faster than I can run, and that is bloody quick as you would know.

Well, a good run constitutes lots of different things, and Kan Not Kan has never ever mastered one of them in any of his previous runs.

But for some strange reason, known only to higher forces than your humble scribe can explain, he got it pretty correct tonight. Different run site for a different slant on familiar territory, bit of road hit out, back of the Polo Club, Bukit Brown via the Mosque, lovely trails through the cemetery, bit of jungle, bit of shiggy, across Mt.Pleasant Rd, short cut possibilities, 1 hour run.

Shaggy Dick Too was very hesitant on running through those slippery gravestones, and a torrential downpour ten minutes from home failed to put a damper on this great run.

Well done Hares.

The Circle: I can’t even remember if the GM was there? The Circle ran smoothly, so I guess she wasn’t there. [Ed: nope, she wasn’t].

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Good run! Well done.

Tell us about your On On: Boxer’s Stew and stuff. And good it was too.

Next week’s run: Sybil, Dances With Kerbs and crew. Fort Canning Park, Car Park around the back, opposite YMCA. (The car park off River Valley Rd is currently a construction site.)

Visitors / Returnees: Lost my list. But I recall Bagless 2 and Boom Boom. How could you miss Boom Boom?

Virgins: Nope.

New Member: Nope.

Lipstick: Hooray made a return, complete with broken ribs, cracked vertebrae, smashed teeth and a hefty medical bill. No one game to apply lippy to his battered body though. That Monday Hash is brutal. Virginia Slim takes the lippy though.

Tits: Maggot, after calling the GM out of her league last week when she was amongst 3 Aussie males, recalls how Kan Not Kan had his underwear thrown around in a JB shop last week by Kan The Kobra. Apparently he had forgotten to pack underwear for his weekend trip to JB, and blamed Kan The Kobra for not packing them for him. So a shopping trip was called for, but Kan The Kobra was not sure of his size and holding up a pair was asking a fellow female Hasher, Numbat, if these would fit him. And just how would she know what size underwear Kan Not Kan wears? I don’t think we will get to the bottom of this charge. Kan Not Kan gets the Tits, and some new underwear.

Dick: Shaggy Dick Too congratulated Kan Not Kan on his run tonight. The Hare, not being familiar with receiving praise for his runs, then spent the next 30 minutes telling Shaggy how good his Monday run was. Well, give the man an inch and he takes a mile. Shaggy then winds it up by suggesting that since Kan Not Kan does not have a chest big enough for the medal he deserves that he takes the Tits instead.

Awards – Nope.

AOB:

· Shoe Shopper reckons Not Tonight has been to wife obedience class. On the run tonight, Stiffy called ‘Trip,’ and she dutifully and immediately followed instructions, falling flat on her face. Wonder what she does when Stiffy calls ‘Head?’

· Penile Extension laments the end of the book version of Encyclopedia Britannica after 200 years, and calls in the Teachers, and Sneaky Comer as an IT guru responsible for the electronic age of information. [Ed: thank god for Mac’s, otherwise this report would have been here on time and empty of spelling errors like Kan the Kobra and Kannot Kan. Please ask Cock Radio what he thinks of his computer next time you see him J].

· Shoe Shopper is not happy with teachers using their school time to be calling parents when they should be teaching. She got a call from a Mr. Hobman (aka Stiffy) about something during class time when he was supposed to be teaching Anna, Shopper’s daughter. Anna then told her classmates ‘Mr. Hobman and Mum do something together 2 times a night every week.’ Nothing like kids show and tell time at school!!

· Stiffy replies automatically to the charge, and tells how at school, he asked Anna,

‘Is mum on holidays yet?’

‘I don’t know,’ was the reply from Shopper’s daughter.

‘Well, did she leave the house this morning?’ he continued.

‘Yes, but she often does that but I don’t know where she goes,’ said daughter.

Stiffy makes one last attempt to ascertain Shoe Shopper’s work status.

‘Well, if she is on holidays, she would be cooking meals for you at night.’

‘She has never cooked us a meal,’ said the poor neglected daughter.

Stiffy’s immediate response,

‘Well she certainly will be when you move to Melbourne, holidays or no holidays!’

· Stiffy then overheard Zipp say to Not Tonight, ‘Are you going to the ex Members lunch on Sunday?’ Perhaps ex Committee Members was meant.

· Shoe Shopper does not let Boom Boom escape for coming 1 hour late, arriving as the rain stopped and the beer was open.

· Kan Not Kan’s Birthday. Happy 70^th!

· Shoe Shopper has not seen such a gathering of intelligent people outside of Tasmania. In come the Tasmanians, Shopper, Lethal Weapon, Comes Quietly and Boom Boom. I wonder if they used their maps of Tassie to get there? And did we do a head count? (Please refer to Tassie letter at end of report)

· Lethal Weapon charged Comes Quietly for making her come quickly. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, is it?

· Kan Not Kan calls in the Ditch Monster, Hooray. Seems Hooray has been used by KNC a few times as a run consultant, and we all know about some of those results. But tonight, Hooray consulted well. Perhaps it was the knock on the head he received when he fell in the ditch.

· Sneaky Comer reckons that Hooray must have been on his death bed, as this was the first 2 weeks of Harriet’s he has missed in 45 years, since he was on the wait list.

On on to Boxer’s yummy pie. And other delights.

Scribed by Cock Radio. See you in 2 weeks.

A letter from a Tasmanian mum to her Tasmanian son

Dear Son,
I’m writing this letter slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20kms from your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last Tasmanian family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since. The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother…
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a ute. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.
There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mum
P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

The ‘Llanfairpwllgwyngyll-gogerychwyrndrobwll-llantysilio-gogogoch’ (Footnote 1) Run

Hares: Loose Change & fellow Welsh.

Where: Lorong Sesuai

On On: Welsh Rarebit, Welsh Cawl, Laverbread, Bara Brith. With Boxer’s Lasagna thrown in.

Note: Please refer to numbered footnotes at end of report for English (Australian?) interpretations of Welsh phrases used in this report.

The Run

When you start a run at the top of a hill, there is fair chance that the end will involve a hill climb. And it did. But at least it was a downhill start. Down the steps by the Condo, onto Upper Bukit Timah Rd. Trail was seen heading towards Rail Mall. But it was a case of the front runners Fe wnaeth Twm lyncu’r abwyd ar unwaith. (2)

A T Check saw me and Comes Quietly cross the road towards the Nature Reserve for what surely was going to be a bit of the Nature Reserve. As we looked at the former railway line, we thought ‘Bydd rhaid i ni ladd amser cyn i’r trên ddod.’(3)

But the smart money was on back over Old Jurong Rd and up the grassy embankment by another set of Condos.

The pattern was then set for the remainder of the run. We skirted grasslands between Condos and jungle, including some gut busting hills, with a bit of road connections in between, finally ending up in the Tech whye area for a similar return trip back to the Park. Or rather the bottom of the Park, as we still had to negotiate the 207 steps up to the car park. At this stage, it was a case of Rwy’n barod i roi’r ffidil yn y tô(4) as far as running was concerned.

Front runners back in a solid 50 – 55 minutes.

The Circle: The GM, who never makes a mistake, called us together, and asked ‘What did we think of that for a Circle.’ Oh, dear. All I can say to that is ‘Mae hi’n siared trwy ei het.’(5).

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Good run! Not bad for an old Welsh lady.

Tell us about your On On: Boxers Mexican treats, including chilli con carne, enchiladas and avocado salad.

Next week’s run: Kan Not Kan, who is still changing and thankfully did not come into the Circle. Heavy Vehicle Car Park under PIE, Whitley & Thompson Rd. Check the web site, as usual.

Visitors / Returnees: Phoney Dick, Bagless 2, Maryann (from Gilligan’s Island??), Totally Unacceptable, Shaggy (Bangkok Sunday Hash) and returnees Lost Marbles & Pecker Checker (ex GM) Beth wnaeth i ti ddod? Mae eisiau berwi dy ben.(6)

Virgins: Nope.

New Member: Nope.

Lipstick: Hooray, even though he wasn’t even here again tonight. Shaggy, Wet Patch, Slowcum.

Tits: The GM, having had the Tits fumigated after they found their way down Virginia Slim’s shorts last week, calls in 4 Aussies, Maggot, Sneaky Comer, Comes Quietly and Cock Radio. While Wet Brazilian was running with these 4 rascals on the way home, the question was asked by one of them, ‘What do you call 1 Brit lady amongst 4 Aussie men?’ The reply was, ‘Out of her depth.’ Nice one Maggot.

Dick: Loose Change, who has been holding the Dick for Penile Extension, overheard Shaggy Dick Too and Not Good Enough discussing the size of their knobs with Wet Brazilian. (I can vouch for this as the GM also asked me how big my knob was this week and proceeded to pull down my shorts to check. CR). Wet n Wild presented both of them with a knob each, which obviously using NZ standards she described as big knobs. (Maybe sheep size?) Not Good Enough wins the big knob award tonight, which put a smile on Give Way’s face.

Awards – Nope.

AOB:

· Stiffy is uncertain as to just how much Welsh Loose Change has in her. So a quiz battery of questions is presented to her. First Tom Jones question correct, but failed on his real name. 50% so far. With a little bit of assistance from Phoney Dick who came in and waved a Welsh flag in front of her, she correctly answered that the flag has a dragon on it. And she answers the final Welsh National Anthem correctly, thus proving that she is Welsh. And all the Welsh are in for a drink.

· Phoney Dick charges all those that wore their Scots shirts to a Welsh run. Fair suck of the sav guys, get your geography correct.

· Maggot has Cock Radio and Sneaky Comer in, and asks how we could be mistaken for each other. Well, Wet N Wild obviously can, as she spoke to me for 3 minutes from the other side of the car when I was showering and kept calling me Tony.

· Sneaky Comer calls in Not Good Enough for wearing a 1967 shirt. Does he not ever clean his wardrobe out?

· Slowcum has the Returnee GM in for showing lack of respect to the current GM by not listening to her. May as well charge the whole Circle then, cause no else listens to her either.

· Shaggy Dick Too called Slowcum in for being an old man. (Now I am confused, because I always thought he was a bit of an old woman. Dw i ddim yn deall? (7) CR)

· Herr Zipp keeps it in the family and charges Pubic Zipp. Seems she was rather confused as to why so many people were wearing green shirts tonight. He then pointed out to her that she also was wearing green.

· Sneaky Comer also is puzzled by Wet n Wild’s standards in judging what constitutes a big banana.

· Wet Brazilian was offended when Shaggy Dick Too called her flat chested. She then received no support from the rest of the Associate Members, who challenged her to prove that she is not flat chested. Hope she got that charge off her chest.

· Stiffy was not impressed when he learnt Maggot had placed bird seed on his car, thus explaining why there was a woodpecker beating the shit out of his bonnet.

· Not Tonight calls in 3 male athletes – Not Good Enough, Slowcum and Croc Hunter. Which one of these finally tuned athletes required a female therapist to work on their groin strain? Not Good Enough, judging by the moaning and hobbling he was doing.

· The GM was told on the run, ‘Out of my way, athlete coming through.’ Shoe Shopper dashed past her, only to stop 20 meters further on and walk with Wet n Wild to discuss frocks and shoes. A frocking athlete indeed.

· Slocum points out that Stiffy’s daughter, who is married to an Australian, will be giving birth soon, thus giving him an Aussie relation.

· Penile Extension challenges all those claiming to be Welsh to prove it by pronouncing the name of a certain Welsh railway station – ‘Llanfairpwllgwyngyll-gogerychwyrndrobwll-llantysilio-gogogoch.’ No one gets anywhere near it until Phoney Dick rolled it perfectly off his tongue. Well done lad.

· A reminder that the AGM is coming up. Watch for details. Sybil for GM!

· From Slim – Kampong St. Patrick’s Run Saturday 17^th March. He assures us it will be great, to be sure to be sure.

On on to Boxer’s Welsh Chilli Con Carne Rabbit. Mwynhewch eich bwyd! (8)

Welsh Footnotes:

1. A Welsh railway station – see Phoney Dick for pronunciation.

2. Swallowed the bait

3. We’ll have to kill time before the train comes.

4. Put the violin on the roof. (I give up)

5. She is talking through her hat.

6. What made you come? You need your head boiled.

7. I don’t understand.

8. Bon appétit.

9. My hovercraft is full of eels.

10. Don’t lift your petticoat after peeing.

Scribed by Cock Radio. And all I can say at this stage is ‘Mae fy hofrenfad yn llawn llyswennod.’ (9)

And finally, remember these famous words of Welsh wisdom:

Paid â chodi pais ar ôl piso.(10)

In America they put woman on a pedestal but in Wales they’ve put her on their national flag.

A Welsh geologist has claimed that Wales is bigger than England because of its hills. If Wales were rolled out as flat as England, it would be the bigger country of the two.

Welsh Lamb?

A customer who had ordered some Welsh lamb from her butcher, suspected that the meat she had been given was not the genuine article.

“Are you sure this is real Welsh lamb?” she demanded, angrily.

“Well, Mrs. Jenkins”, confessed the butcher, “that lamb was really born in New Zealand but I can assure you it had Welsh parents.”

What do you call a Welshman with a stick up his bottom? A Taffy apple.