Singapore Hash House Harriets

The Birthday Run

Hares: Mad Chinaman, Too Easy, Stiffener, and Quickie.

Where: End Lorong Lada Hitam. (off Mandai Rd)

On On: On site Boxer

The Run:

It’s been a while since Wednesday has run from here; in fact it may even be virgin territory for a few new members. The first run took us a long way down the proverbial garden path and all the way back again after we came to a T. The second run then commenced, and it was into the jungle, only to be held up by a long line of runners trying to negotiate a bit of shiggy. ‘Be a man and jump,’ shouted Gypsy to the women. In fact, Gypsy was very vocal tonight, offering all sorts of advice. And all of it totally ignored.

A combination of jungle trails, made paths, Circle Checks and T’s kept the Pack together pretty well. Father Anus and I managed to find paper at one stage that wasn’t ours apparently, but we recovered well. Shoe Shopper fell for our little trick and took a track to the right, despite paper clearly marked all the way along the track to the left. Speaking of tricks, Wet Pet pulled a swifty also, by politely standing aside and directing a couple of Associate Members coming back from a T into a nice little trail and then calling for Lippy because we were the first runners. Nice one.

A double T Check at the bottom of a steep hill meant 2 things. Firstly, it meant a steep bloody climb back up the hill again. Secondly, it meant that runners were not meant to miss the T and run through it, as they would probably end up back on trail quickly with a short cut. There may have been 2 runners, who shall remain nameless, who preferred the second meaning, so after the others had crawled their way back up to the top of the hill, they ran through the Double T and sure enough they were quickly on paper. Allegedly.

Around the fence line for a Check, I managed to convince Shoe Shopper, Stiffy, Shaggy Dick Too, and the GM, that instead of going all the way back into the jungle and being stuck at the end of a single file line, we could go down the long grassy hill and link up with the front of the Pack. However, the linking track was a bit overgrown and hard to see. While Shaggy went into the undergrowth exploring, I decided to go all the way to the bottom and take the road to the left. The other 3 were left with a dilemma – to follow Shaggy into the rather uninviting undergrowth or follow me on a defined road. Unfortunately for them, it was not their day and they followed me. We eventually got back onto paper some 2 ½ kms later, with not even the walkers in sight, while Shaggy had found the front of the Pack after 50 metres. You win some and you lose some. Oh well [ed: run the fookin’ hash then].

A welcome sight awaited us just short of home – a Champagne drink stop with heaps of Champagne. ‘Drink up,’ called Boo as he kept topping up our cups, ‘I want a funny Circle.’ A great birthday cake went down well too. And just to prove that you should not drink and ride a bicycle, 2 of the kids in the group that rode through the drink stop crashed into a fence 100 metres further on. And that was just from the smell of alcohol.

The Circle: The GM was safely returned after a little bit of a lost factor crept in; luckily she kept her cool and trusted me to lead her out. Unfortunately, it meant she was back in time to run the Circle.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Good run! And the first run was good too. And the GM does a little bit of Brazilian tap dancing as the song is sung.

Tell us about your On On: Boxer’s lasagna and salads, with yummy sausage rolls for entrée. And free.

Next week’s run: Lorong Sesuai. Loose Change and the Welsh. Check the web site.

Visitors / Returnees: Dead Fish (is that what stinks??) June Ko, Bagless 2, Stiff, and a returnee of note, Loose Marbles. Welcome all. This time the GM did a little Brazilian bum wobble as the song was sung.

Virgins: Nope.

New Member: Nope.

Lipstick: Hooray, even though he wasn’t even here tonight (apparently he was still trying to get himself out of a ditch and looking for his hat after he took a little backwards spill during the Monday Men’s Circle). Cock Radio, Comes Quietly and Father Anus, who were all sent the wrong way on purpose. But it is Gypsy who takes the lippy for all the men for traitorous behavior to his fellow Associate Members.

This time the GM did a little Brazilian pelvic thrusting while the song was sung.

Tits: The GM left them in someone’s car the other week because she was too embarrassed to take them home. However, they have returned tonight, but before she can get her hands on them, it is time for a little Party Game called ‘Pass The Tits.’

A blindfold was placed on the GM – Wet n Wild’s Bra (Wet n Wild was not wearing it) – and while the Tits were passed around the backs of the Circle, the GM was spun around several times. On removing her blindbra, she then had 3 guesses as to who had the Tits. After 3 unsuccessful guesses, the holder of the Tits revealed themselves – Virginia Slim, who had cleverly hidden them inside the back of his shorts. So it was a case of ‘Keep the Tits’ for the GM, who probably won’t be dumping them in someone else’s car this time. It can also be assumed that the Tits are being steam cleaned and disinfected after spending 2 minutes down Slim’s pants, despite his assurance that he changed his underwear 3 weeks ago. And the GM did a Brazilian Tit juggle as the song was sung.

Dick: Penile Extension did have them, but passed them to Loose Change to return, and she has forgotten. ‘Pass the Dick.’

Awards – Nope.

AOB:

· Not Tonight calls in iDuck (Posh Duck) and iDad (Father Anus). While showering, she pointed out how nice the stars were, and what a romantic setting it was. However, neither of them rose to the occasion. Instead, Posh Duck got out his iPad, and Father Anus his hand phone.

· Gypsy noticed a group of ‘Singaporeans’ lined up at the food table before the Circle started, and asks Stiffy to identify them. Jack Off, Shaggy Dick 2, Wet Pet, Dead Fish, and possibly others. Stiffy drinks for being a dobber.

· Zipp spent time helping the GM out on the trail, as there was a section where paper was missing towards the end. Kan The Kobra was picking up paper to soak up the blood on her hands caused by her carrying a durian all the way back.

· Herr Zip returned the tag from my new shoes which had been dislodged somewhere out on trail.

· Fat Crashing Bastard told how Too Easy has new gold jingle jangle F Me Shoes. Now he can hear her coming in the dark.

· Not Tonight and Loose Change were asked by Too Easy if they would like to take the scenic route. What a helpful Hare.

· Sybil had a charge that sort of went like this. Stiffener, are you very serious about married life? Answer me. Yes or no? 29^th February. Yes no? Husband, 200 kmh motor bike. Yes no. My wife? Yes. Tanglin Police Station. Ask your f#*king wife… Scribe went for a drink at this stage.

· The GM thanked Stiff and Stiffener for hosting the Valentines bash last Saturday. And thanks Fat Crashing Bastard for the chocolate, Herr Zipp for the music.

· Shaggy Dick 2 referred to the bike incident, does anyone have a First Aid Kit. Shoe Shopper said she had a basic one (packet of band aids and tube of savlon) but she suggested that Stiffy had a big one. She then took the Singaporean teenager male off down the track to show him Stiffy’s big one.

· Cock Radio announced that Herr Zipp was the winner of last week’s quiz, as he actually provided a video clip of the song ‘Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road.’ But by the smell of things, has he actually brought along a dead skunk to the run site? Because something is smelling to high heaven. Blame Dead Fish.

· Stiff had a charge on a female who I can’t remember – Shopper or the GM probably. They said do you want me to show you my tits, but a male said we no, you’re just one of the boys.

· Previous Committee Members, keep March 18 free for a get together.

· Associate Members; keep March 18 free for an abandoned husbands get together.

· March 17 – Kampong.

· Kan Not Kan – Palm trees in Omar. Save the date.

· A late charge from Stiffy. At the end of the Circle, Not Tonight walked all the way to their car to get some money. The On On is free. Duhhh.

On on to the free meal. Thanks Hares.

Scribed by Cock Radio

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with ‘Guess’ on it. So I said ‘Implants?’  She hit me.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

The Founder Returns

Hares: Sneaky Comer & Father Anus

Where: Bukit Browne Cemetery

On On: Red Lantern

The Run:

Well, no migratory cranes in sight yet at Bukit Browne, but there is word that a distant relative of theirs, the bulldozers, are heading this way soon. These are locust like creatures that devour the natural landscape, stripping all signs of bush, jungle, trees and anything that resembles nature. Once they have totally cleared the landscape, they move on, leaving the area a prime target for the cranes to move in and breed.

Into the middle of the Cemetery we headed. A dead snake in the middle of the road did not stop us, but the first Circle Check did. (‘There was a dead snake in the middle of the road, stinking to high heaven…’ prize to anyone who can name the band that sang that about a skunk).

Up the hill, down again, loop around, through the jungle to the dog house. Who let the dogs out?

Along to the market garden shack, and a sneaky Circle saw us head behind the shack over some ‘virgin’ graves, and back down to the usual track along the stream. Out of the Cemetery, up past the mosque and back down to the cemetery. Into the stream behind the houses, but only half way as we detoured through a tunnel to end up out on Andrews Rd near Media Corp. Nice one.

Up Lornie Rd then back into the cemetery for a familiar scenic trail home.

Good work Hares.

The Circle: The GM is back, expect lack of order! The strategically placed lantern in the middle of the Circle causes her to adjust her short skirt to a lower level to prevent any Wet Brazilian sneak previews.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? A grave situation. Good run.

Tell us about your On On: Red Lantern, $12 for the usual.

Next week’s run: Lorong Lada Hitam, Mad Chinaman, Stiffener & Too Easy. Check the web site.

Visitors / Returnees: Carol Gurney (Mrs. G) – the founder returns!

Legover, Hard To Get, Vibrator, Suck Swallow, Totally Unacceptable, Mary Ann, Foreplay. Welcome all.

Virgins: Paulina, who was asked to remove her jacket, then her bag, then her T shirt, then her skirt. You can leave your hat on!

New Member: rumour is we have a new member. Did anyone get a form, or some money? Or see the alleged new member?

Lipstick: Gypsy, Camel Humper, Herr Zipp, Maggot, Hooray.

Tits: The GM left them in someone’s car the other week because she was too embarrassed to take them home as she has not explained the birds and the bees to her 6 year old son. Anyone know where they are?

Dick: Penile Extension probably still has it?

Awards – 100 runs Twin Towers (accepted by look-a-like Comes Quietly)

100 runs Singaporn

1100 runs Kamala, who was in very good form.

Birthday gal – Dances With Kerbs.

AOB:

· The Founding Member, Mrs. G, tells how much the Club has changed. She likes the atmosphere, the alcohol, punishing the men etc. One GM drinks, all GM’s drink.

· Shoe Shopper has the 2 Aussies in, Sneaky Comer and Cock Radio, for just being a bit too blokey and setting runs 2 days apart at the same location and the same on on venue. Get original.

· Sneaky Comer overheard Virginia Slim saying that in the old days, the Harriets were passed around amongst the male associate members like birthday presents. In comes Forced Entry as the first present.

· Fat Crashing Bastard reckons Big Head is getting a bit desperate with her partner being away, and was heard shouting out ‘Hello Vibrator.’

· Ugly Bum, in a pair of lovely pink shoes has her normal associate member charge, and in comes Stiffy and Fat Crashing Bastard for complaining derogatorily (her choice of words, not mine).

· Herr Zipp heard that the virgin had expectations about the run. Does this make her an expectant virgin, which surely must mean an immaculate conception?

· Sybil, being in fine form, told a story involving Legover, Maggot (when he emerged from having a leak against a red car) and lots of stories about things way beyond the capabilities of this humble scribe to put into any resemblance of writing that makes sense. There was a look young charge in it, and a sentence that involved ‘but’ I remember because Kamala was actually rubbing her bottom at the time.

· Stiffy copped a serve from Wet Brazilian for asking why she looks older than the first GM. And just to top it off, he copped a beer over his head from Loose Change.

· Father Anus always looks after the virgin females, being the caring man he is. Unlike Zipp who was responsible for the virgin coming without any Hash clothing.

· Big Head then copped it from a rather sensitive Wet Brazilian, as she had outdone the GM with her F*#k Me Shoes.

· Zipp was approached by Stiffener at a party, as she had forgot to bring wine with her and wondered if she could borrow a bottle of Hash wine. She later repays the Hash with a bottle of Chateau De Plonk, which she had opened and half consumed before declaring it rubbish.

· Shoe Shopper reckons Mrs. G has been away too long, as she asked how long after the run before you can have a glass of wine.

· Wet & Wild shows the evolution of GM F#*k me Shoes by lining up Mrs. G, Wet Brazilian and Big Head. Virginia Slim jumped in on the end as well, possibly indicative of the class of males such shoes attract.

· And finally Mrs.G was brought in for asking how long the Circle goes for because she was hungry. Apparently in her day, there was no Circle.

On on on to the Red Lantern, Mrs G is hungry.

Scribed by Cock Radio

A man had just Boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a ‘sniffing dog’.
‘His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.’
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, ‘Watch  this.’
He told Sniffer to ‘search’.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the  policeman’s arm.
The Policeman said, ‘Good boy’, and he turned to the man
and said, ‘That woman is in possession of marijuana, I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
‘Gee, that’s pretty good,’ replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent’s arm.
The Policeman said, ‘Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.’
‘I like it!’ said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to ‘search’ again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.
So he asked the Policeman, ‘What’s going  on?’
The Policeman nervously replied, ‘He’s just found a bomb.’

The Fall of Singapore 70^th Anniversary Run (and CR’s Birthday)

Hares: Cock Radio & Kitchen Rat

Where: Sembawang Community Centre

On On: 1036

The Run:

The vacant fields of Sembawang are a prime target for the breeding of cranes, and our once little tranquil run site is now surrounded by 2 breeding sites. Did theses cranes migrate from Queenstown, and have they evolved to suit this environment? Just what is the origin of this species?

Whatever, the ang moh lady, who doesn’t like a bit of tissue paper being placed outside her black and white house, is sure in for a shock when a few thousand people move into her backyard.

Well, a torrential downpour at 4pm wiped out the first half of the trail, even markings strategically placed inside bus shelters. And there was certainly no evidence of paper for the black and white ang moh lady to show the police.

With help from the Hare, runners did a loop through the black and whites, through the HDB, under the MRT and into the backsticks of Sembawang. Some devious Circle Checks, complimented by some atrocious checking by certain front runners, kept the Pack searching. Back over behind Sembawang Shopping Centre, some more grasslands, a nice little jungle shack with bed, temple and fish ponds, before finding some orange slush to weave through. Back under the MRT and down Sembawang Rd to home. 7km, back in 1 hour, not bad if I may so myself.

The Circle: No GM, so the Circle runs pretty smooth and in order for a change.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? All good, of course says the scribe.

Tell us about your On On: 1036, Coffee Shop just down the road. $10 for great Chinese makan.

Next week’s run: The visiting founding member run. Bukit Brown Cemetery, Sneaky Comer.

Visitors / Returnees: Ferret, Romeo, Wong Wey, Fisting With Sheep, Heavy Flow, Bully. Welcome all.

Virgins: Nope

New Member: Tim Twinning.

Lipstick: Fat Crashing Bastard, Handbag.

Tits:GM has.

Dick: ?

Awards – nope

AOB: (Please note – it was my birthday and a few celebration drinks may mean that some of what is written here may be slightly further from the truth than normal. CR)

· Shaggy Dick Too believes that there is going to be a shoot out to determine tonight’s stand in GM. Wet N Wild and Big Head are both wearing some noticeable F#*k Me Shoes in the hope of filling Wet Brazillian’s shoes, so to speak, for the night. So it’s F#*k Me Shoes at 10 paces, and it’s Wet N Wild who is quickest of the draw and gets her GM badge for the night.

· But Big Head had been in good for form during the week. Bully gave Big Head a ride to the Australian Ball the other night, but as they were getting out of the cab, Big Head’s shoe fell apart, prompting her to exclaim ‘Oh, f#*k my shoe.’ Then at the end of the night, she got out of the cab, leaving her purse, with money, house keys, phone etc in it, on the back seat. Running after the cab as it headed down the hill, she found that her speed was severely hampered by her spoilt ‘Oh f#*k my shoe,’ (and quite possibly alcohol), so she removed it and continued the chase. By this time the cab had moved into 3^rd gear, which was too much even for Big Head’s long legs striding at maximum speed. Throwing her spoilt ‘Oh f#*k my shoe’ at the disappearing cab, she then had a movie inspired idea, hailed another cab and used the classic line ‘Follow that taxi.’ (How she managed to hail a cab at that time of the night considering where she lives, don’t ask – let’s not spoil a good story with any resemblance of truth and reality)

· Mother’s Tongue charged CR for being too mean to buy some Haberdash gear from her for Kitchen Rat (it was my birthday, not hers).

· Slowcum further charged CR for buying Kitchen Rat a bigger oven so she could cook bigger meals.

· Sneaky Comer questions if CR calls the police every time he sets a run, because they always turn up for my run.

· Shoe Shopper tries to convince us that she has not seen many penises in her life, but of the 3 she has seen, Father Anus tonight gave her a story to tell. While having a pee, he was unable to even release 1 hand to point which direction on on was for her. Sounds like a whopper of a story.

· Maggot saw Tiger Lily give Shaggy Dick Too a high five after he finished a pee. Did he wash his hands?

· Shoe Shopper looked up her birth date and found that there were many famous people born on that day, but when she looked up February 15 for my birthday, there was no one. Insignificant huh.

· However, I replied that today was the 70^th Anniversary of the Fall of Singapore. That was pretty good for several thousand Japanese soldiers to ride their bikes all the way from Thailand to make it to Singapore for my birthday, even though they were a little bit pushy and did not complete their immigration details at the Causeway.

In comes various representatives.

Tiger Lily, Japanese on a bike.

Kamala, Indian soldier who switched sides.

Bully, Aussie soldier who abandoned ship.

Shaggy Dick Too, British soldier who kept drinking G&T in Raffles Hotel.

Father Anus, POW suffering from malnutrition. Still.

Singaporean historian – Boo, look alike was someone??? .

The guns at Labrador Park, Santos, Telok Blangah etc did point out to sea to repel a naval attack from the sea. However, they WERE NOT IN FIXED POSITIONS POINTING OUT TO SEA, as is taught in Singapore schools to scholars such as Boo. They actually were able to be swiveled 18o degrees towards the Causeway.

However, the problem was the cannons could only fire an armor peircicing missile, designed to sink a ship. That meant a lot of direct hits on several thousand Japanese soldier bike riders when you think about it.

· ‘Don’t forget Gispert’ says a visitor (actually Margaret Beaman, a former GM).

· After this, things got a bit messy on the part of your scribe. (it’s my birthday and I’ll drink if I want to) Shaggy Dick 2 gave me some sort of impressionist charge, Sneaky Comer charged SD2 for charging the scribe and giving him more beer, then the acting GM is missing, presumed having a pee in the bush, did she wash her hands?

· Well, on that note, thanks to the 22 people who shared a Birthday Meal with me, Love the Harriets x x x CR

And on that note, it’s on on on. (Apologies to any mis truth in this article. Not really – go jump in the lake)

See you next Saturday in Sealetar.

Scribed by Cock Radio

Simple Truths

SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying “congrats”.
But, none of them come and touch the man’s penis and say “Good job”.
Moral of the story:
“Hard work is never appreciated”
No Underwear – Makes Sense to Me
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
‘Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!’ he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
‘Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?’ he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, ‘Well….last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.’

The ‘Di Sini Dalam Penjana,’ Run.

Hares: Forced Entry & Virginia Slim

Where: Jalan Penjana, off Margaret Drive

On On: Two Chefs, 116 Commonwealth Ave

Party Notice:  Valentine’s Party, Saturday 25^th February, House of Stiff, Seletar (see Posh Nash for tickets, selling fast).

The Run:

‘How do you build a crane? was the question pondered by Not Good Enough and Cock Radio as they gazed at the skyline dominated by a multitude of cranes on top of construction sites.

‘Do they put them together lying on the ground and then sort of lift them up?’

‘Well, they just can’t get some skinny Pakistani worker to lift them up there can they?’

‘Maybe if they got a few of them, a couple of lorry loads of workers?’

Comes Quietly was then asked to join the conversation, and suggested ‘Perhaps you can buy them at Ikea, complete with assembly instructions?’

‘Ahh, perhaps then they are migratory cranes from Europe, it is very cold there at the moment?’

‘Maybe the first crane just lifted the 2^nd crane up, which then lifted the 3^rd crane up and so on?’

‘But how did the first crane get up there?’

‘It just sort of got up there. You know, the Crane Creation Theory.’

‘But if they are Swedish Ikea Cranes, perhaps they got up their by migratory bird droppings?’

‘Or on a floating coconut? With a very high tide of course.’

‘And they do look a bit different from other cranes. Not all cranes are the same. Have they evolved?’

‘The Crane Evolution Theory?’

‘Yes, the fittest of the species. Only the biggest and strongest cranes remain.’

Well, the 3 of us had no idea until a building site expert, Maggot, was called in and gave a technical explanation about jacking them up from the bottom and other stuff we could not understand.

[Ed:  heard from a moderately funny comedian – Ah, the crane, the national bird of Singapore].

Well, while I don’t know much about cranes, I do know that the Harriets have a pretty good run every Wednesday. And tonight was no exception.

Tonight’s run commenced at the former, and now demolished, Queenstown Remand Centre, and no doubt some of those Migratory Cranes have their eyes on the vacant block as a potential breeding site.

Highlights included a lovely little garden setting trail at the start, Stiffy being bombarded by golf balls thrown by mischievous runners on the old driving range, watching the various styles of getting over a high locked gate, Shaggy Dick Too calling for a woman and getting a dog and a bitch instead, some old trails not visited for a while, including one where we passed Boo going in the opposite direction, some more familiar Dempsey trails, Maggot declaring with a boastful snigger that a turn off to the left would be an obvious T Check and then he headed off in completely the wrong direction and finally a mountain climb to the drink stop, and having to have to dodge a dehydrated rampaging bull running downhill to escape the evils of the demon drink. Oh yeah, the Margaritas and Mexican dips were pretty good too! Thanks Hares, good stuff.

The Circle:  The GM, stalling for time, tried to tell us that she never gets out of order when managing the Circle, and got an immediate ‘Bullshit, bullshit…’

Shaggy Dick Too, who was looking a little thirsty, then received a bottle of water from Maggot. Nice thought.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? A good drink stop run. Forget the run next time.

Tell us about your On On: Two Chefs, Commonwealth Ave, $10, free beer, best Cantonese in Singapore.

Next week’s run: The Fall of Singapore 70^th Anniversary Run, which coincides with my birthday (and no, I am not 70, smart asses). Hares Cock Radio & Kitchen Rat, Sembawang Community Club.

Visitors / Returnees: Wait A While, Baki Hatan, Numb Balls, Aiyo Yo, Totally Unacceptable, Marianne, Bagless 2, Bags, David, Knobby Boy Scout, Impossible.

New Member: Nope.

Virgins: David

Tits: The GM was on borrowed time to start the run as she had to borrow some running shoes, was on further borrowed time in starting the Circle so Cock Radio decides she should borrow the Tits for a week.

Dick: Penile Extension, still abusing his pussy with it.

Lippy: ‘Respect for the old lady’ was the call. Stiffy, Boo, Gypsy, David the virgin, Handbag and Shaggy Dick Too for leaving the drink stop without a woman (or water).

Awards – Nope.

AOB:

• Mother’s Tongue is offended by Virgin David. He has ignored her Haberdash stall and is still not wearing Hash gear, so she makes him remove his shirt. ‘Turn around, turn around,’ shouts an excited Not Tonight.
• This reminds the GM that there was a visitor running without his shirt on, brings him in and gets him to remove his shirt as well. We then have a before and after comparison of the 2 shirtless guys.
• Speaking of beautiful bodies, Handbag removes his shirt and shows how much weight he has lost by getting out his xxxxxL 2000^th Run shirt, which has been taken in by Loose Change, and shows that there is still room in it for both him and Not Tonight at the same time.
• A visitor then gave us the good oil on the Gulf Hash taking place at the end of the month, hosted by the Desert Hash. Try a Google [Ed:  Bing please] if interested.
• Twin Towers was showering in the vicinity of Stiffy, Maggot and Comes Quietly when Knobby Boy Scout showed up naked and flashed his bum. No, not at her, but at the boys!
• Maggot produces a lost property pile from his car. One Aussie Rules football that gets returned to me, and a pair of men’s long pants. What was a pair of men’s pants doing in the back of his car? Ah, Sneaky Comer’s allegedly.
• Forced Entry gets a Happy Birthday, Haineese version, and the GM uses her Tits to shield the candles from the wind.
• Slowcum wondered that with so many wonderful women at the run, why do the male visitor and his virgin boyfriend have such a natural affinity for each other?
• Tiger Lily tells us that not only the GM have no running shoes tonight, she was the last member to pay her subs this quarter.
• Hooray points out the bravery of Totally Unacceptable turning up on a crutch after being stretchered out of the jungle on last week’s men’s run with a rather severe injury.
• Shoe Shopper reminds everyone that the Harriet’s accept everyone on the Hash. Except for poofters. And Kiwis. And colostomy bags.
• Jack Off has bandage on one knee. I could not work out why, if it was carpet burn, why it was only on one knee. Perhaps the other knee was on the coffee table???
• Kampong Hash, AGM, been and gone perhaps by the time you get this. Sembawang, 5.30 11^th Feb.  [Ed, actually if you read this the minute it arrives, put your running shoes on, and get cracking you might get there JUST on time].

On on on…..

Scribed by Cock Radio.

ADVICE FROM RON – A RETIRED HUSBAND
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.  When you notice this, try not to yell at them.  Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron.  Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife.  When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.  Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.  I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.  I don’t yell at her.  Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.  I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable.  I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.  She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating.  But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves.  I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.  But, Boys, we take ‘em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.  I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days.  That way, she won’t have to rush so much.  I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean).  I like to think that is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.  She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard.  I try not to make a scene.  I’m a fair man.  I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.  And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife.  I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.  Many men will find it difficult.  Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.  After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR’S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on July 24, 2010 of a perforated rectum.  The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife was arrested and charged with murder.  The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

The ‘Foreign Language’ Run.

Hares: Mother’s Tongue & Jana

Where: Labrador Park MRT

On On: Boxer’s Indian chicken

Party Notice:  Valentine’s Party, Saturday 25^th February, House of Stiff, Seletar (save the date, more details to come).

The Run:

A new run site where not only do you get to run but also buy some new furniture. Herr Zipp had his eyes on the classic pig lantern. After the car park security guard had finished playing Chinese (Indian?) Checkers with our car parking arrangements, it was off down the new boardwalk that skirts a bit of a mangrove stream.

1 ½ km later, we came to our first check by the sea at Labrador Park. Maggot, who had been complaining of needing a pee after the first 200 metres, decided to take advantage of the toilet at the park and catch up with us at the next stop. Unbeknown to him, the next Check was another 1.5km away, and consequently Maggot was not seen again for the rest of the run. What a pisser.

This next section of the run was very scenic – another new path heading from Labrador Park towards Sentosa Gateway along the waterfront. To the left, luxurious condo apartments, some not yet complete, and to the right the waterfront and luxurious yachts and a brand new marina. In the distant, I caught a glimpse of the Tiger Lily and Shaggy Dick Too heading out on a wharf towards the sea trying to outrun a passenger ship that was departing. Or had they missed the boat? Whatever, they did not miss the T Check at the end of the wharf.

After waving farewell to the cruise liner, it was time to turn inland and up Telok Blangah Hill. From long straight flats by the sea to mountain climbing. A very nice climb it was, taking a rather unfamiliar but scenic route.

The scenic run continued to be unspoilt by the hideous sight of Circle and T Check markings. In fact, a reliable source (this newsletter prides itself on the accuracy of it’s reporting and transparency) confirmed that there were only 4 checks in the first 5 kms of the run.

Wet Patch was enjoying the scenery so much that he ran full on into a lamp post. Lamp post 1, Wet Patch 0.

Eventually the elevated treetop walk was reached, taking runners to the Henderson Rd Wave Bridge and to home for a solid 8.5 km workout which had the Pack splattered out from one end of Telok Blangah Rd to the other.

Well done Hares, I suggest that anyone who did not do the run, get down to Labrador Park MRT, take the boardwalk to the sea then along to the new Marina. A very pleasant stroll it will be.

Can everyone please remind Maggot to go to the toilet before the run next week.

The Circle:  The GM calls the Circle to order, gets the Hares in and disappears, reappears and then disappears again. Hide and seek?

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Too short, too many Checks, not enough hills. A very scenic run if you had time to admire the views. Thanks Hares, well done.

Tell us about your On On: On site Boxer’s Tandori Chicken and stuff, $10.

Next week’s run: Next week’s Hare is pushed into the Circle by her consultant, Virginia Slim, thereby making it a Forced Entry. It’s her birthday run, Jalan Penjara (off Margaret Drive). There will be a drink stop.

Visitors:  iPood, Dead Fish (Tokyo) Welsh Git, Bagless 2, Vibrator, Peter Welcome all.

Virgins: Nope.

Tits: Ok, I forgot the Tits. I hid them at home out of sight because my daughter was visiting and I did not want to tarnish my image.

Dick: Loose Change, who charged herself last week for dog cruelty, this week has another animal charge, this time cruelty to a pussy by a Penile Extension. Seems that he made a pussy go down, in fact poor puddy cat fell 5 floors. Did it land on it’s feet? (FYI, Harriet is on the way to recovery, but howls and cowers with fear at the sight of a stick.)

Lippy:  Hooray, Shaggy Dick Too, who thus decides to abandon his night of drinking 100 Plus and switches to beer instead, and yours truly, who then has an Aussie mumble about how wrong it was ……..

The GM then asserted her authority and called the scribe back in for lack of respect.

The scribe then left mumbling more about the truth being reported in the newsletter, but quickly shut up as he had to concentrate on interpreting Mother Tongue’s AOB charge.

Awards – Nope.

AOB:

·        Mother’s Tongue, using her motherly experience, tells how it is usually children who are hiding things from their parents, but tonight we heard of a parent hiding something from their kids – Cock Radio who hid the Tits.

·        Wet Patch and Herr Zipp, who are obviously on the Singapore leg of their World Tour, then performed a stirling cover version of the Beatles  ‘When I’m 64,’ for the Birthday Gal, Mother’s Tongue. Happy Birthday!

·        Sneaky Comer asks a Kiwi Environmental Scientist, Wet & Wild, what do you do to prevent a hill side from suffering landslides? Easy says Professor W N Wild – ‘maintain the natural vegetation and grow trees.’Correct.  Sneaky then asks a Singaporean Tycoon Property Developer the same question, Father Anus. Tycoon Anus replied that you rip the shit out of the hill with as much earth removing equipment as possible, removing all traces of nature that only serve to impede development, and then fill in any gaping holes with concrete. May look a tad tacky on the environment, but sure keeps the Government’s economic figures looking tidy. Wrong.

·        Shaggy Dick tells what it is like to be completely left in the lurch. While way out in front of the Pack on one of those long fast flat sections that allowed for an attempt on breaking the world 5km record, Tiger Lily decided she had to go to the toilet. This meant that Shaggy could not take 1 more step forward until he had another woman, and scanning the horizon with his portable pocket size telescope, he found that the rest of the Pack was nowhere to be seen. Take your time Tiger, and don’t forget to wash your hands.

·        Maggot was then called in by yours truly for his toilet stop episode at the first Check. Thinking he could spend a penny and catch up at the next Check was sound thinking on most runs, but it was just not on for The Mother Tongue Express Run. Goodbye Maggot. That will teach you to have an 8 course Chinese lunch on a Wednesday. (I had a tuna sandwich and glass of water – no problem)

·        Hooray calls in the Scandinavians. All the blondes and wanna be blondes enter, we are not sure which ones are acceptable? However, we discovered what is not acceptable. A Monday Hasher, of Norwegian origins, was attacked by a tree stump and fell on the men’s run this week. After getting up, he stumbled again, went wonky, and his running mates decided he was rooted and had to call an ambulance to evacuate him. While this is Totally Unacceptable, we do hope all is well and you are on the way to recovery. Cheers.

·        Speaking of totally unacceptable, Shoe Shopper finds that the kids of today that wear their jeans so low that their bums are showing is not a good look. They should take a leaf out of Harry High Pants, aka Virginia Slim, who has the waist of his jeans almost around his neck. (Slim then offered to show what he would look like if he was a teenager today, and undoes his jeans to lower them – the unanimous call was NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!)

·        Tiger Lily points out the fashion lowlights of the Hash. Saggy jeans, Crocs, transparent mesh tops, cowboy hats, leather pants etc and she pulls in a heap of members known to be guilty of wearing such attire.

·        Cock Radio noticed Tiger Lily having some difficulty fitting her sports bra under her work top before the run. I offered to give her a hand but Tiger Lily replied that a hand would be too big for the task. Say no more.

·        The GM called in Big Head and Too Easy for shopping for Hash gear while the Circle is on.

·        Wet Pet charges Welsh Git for arriving at the Run with the wrong shoes and then blames her.

·        Sneaky Comer reckons the Hares did a great communicating with the furniture store for use of the car park, but did she tell the security guard about the frivolities of a Hash Circle??

·        Shaggy Dick Too, being a purveyor of Hawker food, tells us that you should always look at each stalls rating before eating there. Anything with an A or B sign should not do any significant long term damage to your stomach, but avoid anything with a Z sign unless you are after a week off work. However, Shaggy is not sure what to make of the ‘Exit’ sign that is hanging behind Boxer’s temporary stall at the back of the car park.

·        A plug for the Valentines Run next month, wear pink, drag or something suitable. There will be nice women there too we are told. ‘Are they included in the $35 ticket price?’ asks an optimistic Shaggy.

·        Zipp has been continually bugged by Hooray over the years about special run dates, but he overlooked one recently – the first run of this year was none other than Run 2012.

·        Hooray thanks our Scotsman, Bagless 2, for providing the Bagpipe player down on the wharf.

·        Virginia Slim gives us a cultural lesson about jalan lampu and puki chiang, which relates to what he thinks of Wet Pet’s effort of running into a lamppost on the run and nearly dislocating his shoulder.

On on on to Boxer’s ‘Exit’ rated food stall.

Scribed by Cock Radio.

……….a recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be British.

The ‘Aussie Day’ Run.

Hares: Shoe Shopper & Wet Patch Bruce.

Where: St.George’s Church Car Park, Dempsey.

On On: Boxer’s snags in bread and homemade burgers followed by brownies and ice cream.

Party Notice: Valentine’s Party, Saturday 25^th February, House of Stiff, Seletar (save the date, more details to come).

The Run:

And a run it was, all 9kms of it. Comes Quietly suggested it may have been longer, but the batteries in his GPS went flat after 10kms. After some interesting little loops near Tanglin Rd, it was over Napier Rd to Nassim Hill Rd and up. After a nice little hill climb, runners then got to spend a bit of time meandering around Dalvey Estate, a rather exclusive housing area, to see how the other half live. As Maggot put it, even if we combined the total income of all our runners, we still would not even be close to affording the land that these mansions sit on.

However, money isn’t everything and we know that it can’t buy you love. But it would buy you a bloody big house to shag in.

But you don’t need money to enjoy the serenity of the Botanical Gardens, and that’s where we went. Entering towards the Bukit Timah Rd end, the trail meandered gracefully through some great new sections of the Gardens that have only been opened up recently. If you missed the run, or were running so fast to enjoy the scenery like I was, then I suggest that you pack a little basket of wine and cheese and wander off to spend a bit of time in the Botanical Gardens and explore the back part (taking the MRT will deliver you to the Bukit Timah end).

Back to the run. Not wanting to upset the NP Rangers, the Hares spaced their chalk marks quite far apart, causing a few runners some anxious moments. It made no difference to Tiger Lily as she fails to see markings even if they are 5 metres apart. Through the rainforest, past the lake and out the main front gate, where it was a fairly obvious sprint to home, you would think. However, Wet N Wild had no idea where she was and had to be directed by the Hares.

A good workout for the serious runners and a lovely stroll through the Gardens for the serious walkers. Well done Hares, a great route. Wish I had of thought of it.

The Circle: The GM is very proud of herself and claims that she got through last week’s without making a mistake, can she do it again?

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Too many Aussies. Not long enough. Good run Bruce.

Tell us about your On On: On site Aussie BBQ.

Next week’s run: Labrador MRT car park, Labrador Park, Mother’s Tongue and daughter.

Visitors: With 14 guests, a separate Circle was formed to create Concentric Circles. In and Out, Wee Willy, Foreplay, Wander Off, Totally Unacceptable, Vibrator, Bagless 2, Kathy, Annabelle, Tia, Marcia, Jo, Trash, King Lear. Welcome all.

Virgins: Actually, Tia was a virgin so she got another drink.

Tits: Shoe Shopper charged Kathy and Annabelle for not declaring their Hash names – Desperate Housewife and Big Root.

However, it is Cock Radio who wins with his effort of ignoring all the run sites that she suggested 6 weeks ago, and then at the last minute asking her to Hare and not even giving her a choice of run sites. Oh well.

Dick: Loose Change charges herself for dog cruelty. While walking her dog, she threw a stick for it to chase. Harriet, the dog, dutifully chased after it and proudly carried it in her mouth back to Loose Change. Unfortunately, the stick was rather long, and one end stuck in the mud while the other end impaled poor Harriet’s stomach. A $500 vet bill has seen Harriet on the way to recovery.

Lippy: Hooray, King Lear and Camel Humper.

Awards – Nope.

AOB:

· Sneaky Comer has a special certificate for the wanna be an Aussie, Wet Patch. Having cooked up a backyard BBQ successfully, ensured that there is always plenty of cold beer in his fridge and shagged a beaut Aussie Sheila, he is presented with his certificate to allow him to travel freely through the great land down under. However, just to play safe in case he arrives on a small island off the north coast in a rickety wooden fishing boat sailing via Indonesia, the reverse side is written in Arabic and entitles him to free accommodation, meals, internet access, free phone calls and a good lawyer.

· Slowcum was looking forward to having a relaxing walk through the Gardens in the company of Wet Brazilian, but all she did was complain all the way. ‘You walk too fast, it’s too hot, I’ve got a sore bum, slow down…..’ and on and on she went.

· In and Out overheard Loose Change and Suzee Wong suggesting that tonight’s Circle looked like being a bit too slow and quiet for their liking, but Loose Change said not to worry because she has the Dick to keep them occupied.

· Cock Radio had a fair idea where tonight’s run was going. Last week I told Shoe Shopper I had a run route worked out for tonight, and told her my plan so as to get her to co hare with me. Well, the next day she rang and said she had done a recee with Wet Patch and excitedly proclaimed it was going to be a good run. Great, I thought, pleased that she liked my idea. But then when I asked about setting the run, she told me to F#*k off, she and Wet Patch were going to set it. She stole my run! Plagiarism. Get me a lawyer.

· Hooray recalls how Zipp was drinking all the half full bottles of Carlsberg from the charges last week. Seems that Gypsy had to do the driving home.

· Hooray also charged the Kiwis, Wet N Wild and Big Root, as unlike Australia, NZ allows anyone to live in their country.

· Cock Radio kept the Kiwis in, the NZ Farmer’s Federation has called for sheep shearing to be included as an Olympic event. As the Aussies would beat them, perhaps they should try for sheep shagging as they would be guaranteed a Gold Medal.

· Loose Change reckons that Sneaky Comer is in for a hot night when he gets home. Wet n Wild’s wearing a bra full of passion. She is carrying 2 passion fruit that she found in the Gardens. The new Passion Bra.

· The GM gives all the Aussies a note for Australia Day.

· This is followed by the Chinese for New Year – Gong Xi Fa Cai.

· Croc Hunter, proudly wearing a new Aussie cap, is given a big thank you for all his work, along with a red packet.

· Cock Radio confirms with the Committee that Wednesday night is the Harriet’s Run night and that Saturday is traditionally Party Night.

· Sneaky Comer, who obviously can’t wait to get home for his night of passion, wants to have his wife in the Circle. It appears that she does not understand the art of Vegemite sandwich making. It is a delicate skill to spread it evenly and not too thick and not too thin. You do not just slap it on.

· Robbie Burns Run Sunday.

On on on.

Scribed by Cock Radio.

Bruce, an Australian who was working on contract for 3 months in Dublin, was drinking in O’Donoghue’s pub in Merrion Row when he gets a call on his mobile phone.
He hangs up grinning from ear to ear, orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because,
he announces, his wife back home has just produced a typical baby boy
weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any baby can
weigh in at 25 pounds but Bruce just shrugs, “That’s about average in Oz. Like I said my boy is a typical Australian baby boy.
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations were
heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later Bruce returns to the bar.

Paddy, the bartender,
says “You’re the father of that typical Australian baby that weighed 25
pounds at birth. Everybody’s been having bets about how big he’d be in
2 weeks, we were going to call you. So how much does he weigh now?
The proud father answers ’17 pounds”
Paddy is puzzled and concerned. “What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.

Bruce takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer, wipes
his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says …………..

“Had him circumcised mate”.

The ‘Camp’ Run.

Hares: Stiffener, Stiff

Where: Seletar Camp.

On On: On Site Boxer’s Singaporean Chicken Curry and fruit salad (served separately).

The Run:

With a threatening sky and a threatening pair of vicious terriers at their heels, a small but quality field of Hashers set of for a preliminary warm up loop of the estate before heading to the wilderness. Or what remains of it out that way. Oddly enough, it was Stiffler, son of the Hares, who led the way off. Was he keen to show off his local knowledge or does he just like wearing lipstick??

At the first sign of bush, a handful of males found themselves caught horribly out of position and also resigned to lipstick later on, including yours truly, who finds that a lamp post is no longer of sufficient circumference to hide behind.

Handbag decided that the graders and machines were not doing enough clearing of the forest and did a bit of bush bashing himself that any bulldozer operator would have been pleased with.

Over the TPE and into some nice jungle trails that suddenly ended in a recently cleared area that now resembled a bomb site. Anyone with dirty shoes could have them hosed off with the excavation trucks.

A lovely view of man’s monument to progress greeted runners from the top of a hill – a dozen cranes perched on top of new HDB’s going up. Much better than looking at crappy green jungle and nature stuff.

Down the steep incline and across the vast field, we knew we were on trail as the Hare kept with us. A tour of the Light Rail Station, and back into the bush, but one had to be careful of what side of the fence you were on. Across Jalan Kayu for a loop back to the TPE, into the Estate, to finish in 1 hour, just as the rain started. All good.

The Circle:

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? It was all good. Well done and thanks.

Tell us about your On On: Boxer’s Chicken Curry, Singapore style, with fruit salad. (Most people had the fruit salad separate, not sure about Vibrator).

Next week’s run: Harding Lane, Dempsey. Car Park behind St. George’s Church.

Visitors: 3 visitors – Stiffler, Trash, Malfunktion- and 1 pain in the asse – Vibrator.

Virgins: Nope.

Tits: Handbag has candidates in Cock Radio for being stupid enough to follow him on a bush bashing short cut, himself for being stupid enough to follow Stiffler into the bush when all he was doing was going for a pee stop, and Shoe Shopper for being stupid enough to use her toys the wrong way and declare Vibrator a pain in the ass. Shopper wins.

The GM charged Zipp for calling SS a Shoe Hopper, I think in reference to having only 1 thong. Better than a Hoe Hopper

Dick: Missing.

Lippy: Stiffler, of course, Hand Bag, Cock Radio, Vibrator. Hooray was belatedly brought in for bragging that he had got away with it.

Awards – Nope.

AOB:

· Kan Not Kan reminds the GM and Kan The Kobra of his past Valentines Run at Fort Canning where he hid paper stars at the checks for runners to search for and redeem for top quality champagne and chocolates. Shoe Shopper’s response to this romantic innovative effort was ‘I came here for a run, not a f#*king treasure hunt.’

· Mother’s Tongue had a quote from Shoe Shopper who claimed ‘2 is good but 3 is better.’

· Stiffy recalls a moment from Malfunktion and Phoney Dick’s Birthday Party last week at the British Club. Shoe Shopper happened to be in the ladies toilets, just as Francesca, the erotic dancer, was going through her warm up routine. On returning to her table, Shoe Shopper announced ‘That woman has such a gorgeous body, even I would shag her.’

· Not Tonight said that Zipp has even made some Hash Jewelery with the name of Shoe Hopper.

· Shaggy Dick Too overheard 2 Harriets in conversation – ‘How were your knees after the other night?’ The reply –‘Ok, but my bottom was sore.’ What were Tiger Lily and Posh Nash up too??

· Hooray wishes Malfunktion a happy 70th. He then complains about some fickle Harriets. Wet Brazilian, Tiger Lily and Big Head are normally all over him, but because tonight he did not bring any warm shower water they are not even speaking to him. Females, they are hot and cold huh.

· Hooray finishes by pointing out that Seletar is not a good hunting ground for Vibrator. Every time he comes here he loses a woman (try bringing some warm water mate).

· Stiffy informs us that our virgin from the other week, Jasmine, was medi vacced on the bike hash.

· Wet Brazilian points out that Stiffy acts so gung ho tough doing rugged bike hashes, but can’t handle a simple cold. Tonight ( he wanted to disinfect his car because she sneezed in it. Then he drove the rest of the way with the windows down to blow away any germs.

· Tiger Lily was in Tokyo recently and it was cold – coats and warm weather gear needed. While this is the so called ‘Winter’ season in Singapore, it is still 29 degrees and she reckons Trash wearing boots is just a bit over the top. Bet she didn’t have thermal underwear on though. Nothing wrong with a bit of Puss In Boots though.

· Stiff tells us why Hooray did not have hot water with him tonight, because he didn’t need it. All he did was run up and down Jalan Kayu a few times.

· Not Tonight then explains how Hooray warms the water up. Oh my, for that ‘He ought to be f#*king well pissed on, he ought to be ………’

· While Tiger Lily was in Tokyo, Kan Not Kan heard that the population in Japan is shrinking because they are not having sex. Apparently the women prefer to run in parks and the men can’t keep (it?) up.

· Shoe Shopper calls in the female Hare (does she want to shag her too?). Stiffener, with her husband still out setting trail, ran up to her before the run very excitedly and inquired quietly and discreetly where Camel Humper was.

· Shaggy Dick Too gives further confirmation for the dwindling Japanese population. It has got to the stage where 95% of Japanese men travelling fill out their immigration card with a ‘No’ response where it says sex.

· Tiger Lily is brought in by Malfunktion, who then proceeds to demonstrate how Japanese males claim that they can have sex 10 times in one night. It was a very visual charge, you really had to be there to understand it fully, but basically every thrust counted as 1 and so on all the way to 10.

· Vibrator charged Hooray, who managed to have his bag pissed on 2 times by the Hare’s dogs. And while took his charge, who did he have standing at his ankle? Yep, the little culprit terrier himself. ‘He ought to be F#*king well pissed on, ……’

· Stiff recalls that before the Circle, the Beer Wagon horn blasted several times, destroying the serenity and causing Trash, who was on her phone, to turn to everyone and tell them to be quiet so she could hear. The only thing was, she was actually sitting in the driver’s seat of the beer truck at the time, and was leaning on the horn not realizing it was her making all the noise.

· Hand Bag explains why Tiger Lily’s Japanese boy friend would keep on thrusting and stopping, thrusting and stopping……Apparently he got his sex education by watching internet streaming movies.

· Sybil commenced by telling how she has been standing there listening to all these stories about Japanese sex and their lack of sex skills. ‘Hopeless’ the Sex Goddess proclaimed. This is the shortened version, as the rest of the charge disintegrated into typical Kamala inscribable verbal non descripts garble.

· Vibrator has been trying to catch Tiger Lily for years, to ask if he can be her BF, I think he mentioned. Anyway, tonight he finally caught her and all he got out of it was lipstick.

· Wet Brazilian believes Zipp has a sex/marriage problem. Gypsy has been sitting out the back in the dark all night texting messages.

· Tiger Lily has had enough sex and changes the topic. She was running in the park the other morning, and there was a group of ISS students under the guidance of none other than teacher educator guru extraordinare, Shaggy Dick Too. She can’t work out what the purpose of his lesson was, because all they were doing were side to side movements that seemed to achieve very little but block her path.

· All night we have been told by Hash Brew, Zipp, to hold onto our down down cups so they can be refilled if we get another charge. This is good ‘Green Thinking,’ and the Hash doing our bit to save the Planet. However, Hooray observed that Hash Brew was filling the cups and then proceeding to drink the rest of the bottle herself.

· Don’t forget the Annual Robbie Burns Run next Sunday. Even if the run is crap, the whisky will be good.

Gong Xi Fa Cai.

On on on.

Scribed by Cock Radio.

A small boy says to his father “Dad, what’s the difference between ‘theoretically’ & realistically’?”
His dad thinks & then says “Right-ho son, go & ask your mother if she’d sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million quid.”
The boy toddles off & comes back saying “Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds.”
“OK son,” says his dad. “Now go & ask your sister the same question.”
The boy toddles off & comes back saying “Dad, dad, she said she would too!”
So then his dad says “Right, son, now go & ask your brother if he’d sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds.”
The son comes back excitedly saying “Dad! Dad! He said he would too!”

“Well there you have it, son,” said his dad. Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we’re living with two tarts & a poof.”

The ‘Extremely Close to a National Park’ Run.

Hares: Mr. Potato Head

Where: Jalan Kampong Chantek.

On On: The Red Lantern.

The Run:

The Hare assured us that he had done all the necessary paperwork and had permits from National Parks, Urban Development Authority, Land Transport Authority, Police, Fire, Ambulance, Civil Defence, Singapore Post, Comfort Taxis and Mr. Wong, a Hawker, of Blk 326 Bukit Batok West.

The Hare also told us that we need to start on time, as it was a run of considerable length, 9.2 kms in fact. This would explain why Mr. Potato Head was carrying a back pack that contained a tent, cooking stove, torch, rations for 2 days, 1 tattered FHM magazine (with the centerfold missing), a toothbrush and one slightly shaggy teddy bear.

Having told us how it was such a long run and we needed to start pronto, The Hare then spent 5 minutes describing each dish of his 10 course On On menu.

With our taste buds tantalized by the description of a classic Red Lantern Feast, it was into the Durian Loop, out again onto Rifle Range Rd and down to the old railway line. Along the way, the GM had a chance to take the lead from Tiger Lily at a Check, but she ran straight ahead when the Trail was clearly marked to the left. She was timed as being the lead woman for exactly 1.25 seconds. Another highlight was one of the neatest and precise Circle Checks made from toilet paper ever seen. It was wrapped so tightly that it took 3minutes to break it, and then it was only with the aid of a chain saw.

The Hare then took us on a scenic tour of the Nature Reserve, lots of up and downs, giant steps, twists and turns and good Checks. One Check over near the South Hut really scattered the Pack. Big Head and Maggot managed to find trail eventually, but they were so far away that the rest of the runners could not hear their call of ‘On On.’

Out onto the pipeline, for what you would think would be a straight forward sprint up to the reservoir and home. However, Big Head and Maggot were so focused and pleased with themselves for shaking off the rest of the Pack that they failed to see paper leading back into the Nature Reserve along the Sengkang Track.

It was actually another 15 minute loop along the Sengkang Track, onto the bottom of Rifle Range Rd, and ending back through the Durian Loop. This caught Kan The Cobra by surprise, as believing trail came in the back way along the Reservoir where Big Head and Maggot returned, she had decided that the little bushy area at the entrance to the Durian Trail was a good place for a quiet shower.

The Circle: ‘What did we think of the Hare?’ asked the GM. A little short was the reply.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? As for the run, it was good, could have been more hills though.

Tell us about your On On: Red Lantern, all the favourites.

Next week’s run: Seletar, Stiff and Stiffener

Visitors: In and Out, iPooh, Bagless, Jasmine, Impossible. Welcome all.

New Member: Tim-Tiny.

Virgins: Nope (Sunday Hash the place to see lots of them – scribe).

Tits: Handbag.

Dick: Missing.

Lippy: Herr Zipp, Hooray, Comes Quietly, Wet Patch.

Awards – Nope.

AOB:

· As usual, Ugly Bum is not happy with the Associate Members, but leaves them alone and attacks Kan The Kobra for picking a quiet shower area on the home trail. When Tiny Tim ran past, she squealed in delight, but not a sound was heard from her when the old farts ran past.

· In and Out thought Kan The Kobra was flashing at Tiny Tim, but she pleaded innocence on the grounds that she was too saggy and baggy.

· Not Tonight, who is shaping up as the next GM, charged Twin Towers for returning from the Run in a Mercedes Taxi. Furthermore, she was of such dubious character that the driver chased all the way after her as she ran to the car to get money for the fare.

· It all got too much for Ugly Bum, she decides to pay out on the Associate Members. After 10 minutes of chatting with Stiffy and In And Out post run, neither of them offered to stand and offer her their deck chair. Every man for himself I reckon.

· Cock Radio reckons Mr. Potato Head was suffering from constipation due to the cooler weather. The first Circle Check was the tightest ring you have ever seen – a perfect circle of the tightest packed paper you can imagine.

· Sybil pays out on the British Associate Members for not offering their seats for a female. Totally un British.

· Wet Brazilian then pays out on Sybil who had taken one look at the GM’s slightly short new hairstyle, commented something like ‘Ehhhhh, do something about your hair before next week’s run lah.’

· And Wet Brazilian is not finished yet. On arriving at a call of ‘Need a woman,’ from Ad Nauseum, who had broken a check, he said to her ‘I need a woman, not a boy.’ (nice one mate, he he- scribe)

· Speaking of ‘Need a woman,’ Maggot recalls how he called for one, the GM came racing up before Tiger Lily could arrive and then she ran straight ahead when paper was clearly marked 90 degrees to the right. This prompted Maggot to call for ‘Need a woman who can see.’ He then got Tiger Lily.

· The GM, under heavy artillery fire, decides the best form of defence is to launch a counter attack. Stiffy, observing Wet Brazilian trying to get her leg over a fallen leg, commented to her ‘You must have been at the end of the queue when they were handing out long legs.’

· In And Out, who has been in and out a lot tonight, reminisces how the Harriets use to be so great with all the gals wearing ‘F#*k me shoes.’ But now look, apart from the GM who has made an effort (but everyone is staring at her hairstyle instead of footwear) – we have Jasmine in a pair of smelly runners, Twin Towers in slippers, Not Tonight (next year’s GM) in a pair of rank colored Crocs.

· Sybil fires back at In And Out, claiming something about he wants to vote for the next Committee on the basis of their F*#k Me shoes. In And Out pleads the 5^th Amendment on the grounds that anything he says may be taken down and used in further charges against him.

· The GM launches yet another counter attack, and calls in all the males wearing non sexy shoes.

· Eagle Eyes Ugly Bum calls in Herr Zipp for trying to avoid the previous charge by removing his sandals and hiding them behind his back.

· Ugly Bum continues with a love story from her past, B.A.N. (Before Ad Nauseum). A young potential lover she met had everything – cash, condo, car, credit card, etc. However, he got the flick as he insisted on wearing his socks to bed. She was reminded of this somehow by Impossible wearing socks, and Geraldine and Sybil are dragged in too. Sock it to them babe!

· Herr Zipp defends the Associate Members by claiming Ugly Bum to be the most irritating factor on the Hash for males, followed by ball rash, nipple rash and running out of beer.

· Herr Zipp continues by stating that Sybil use to be the most irritating factor for everyone on the Hash, (after Boo) with everyone having to sit down in the Circle while she completed her charge. However, he states that we now have a new Sybil – Ugly Bum!

On on on.

Scribed by Cock Radio.

Birthday Run

Hares: Deep Throat, Malfunktion, Ugly Bum & Ad Nauseum

Where: Dairy Farm Road Car Park B

On On: On site, Cottage Pies & Veggies by Malfunktion

The Circle

What did we think about the run? Yes, a good run.

Tell us about your On On: On site: Cottage Pies & Veggies by Malfunktion.

Next week’s run: Mr Potato Head @ Jalan Kampong Chantek. On On at Red Lantern.

Visitors: Philippa, Knickerless, CunniLicker, Chicken Shit, Strapless, Bagless 2, Nutcracker & Woodbridge.

Virgins: None.

New Members: Herr Zip & Public Zip. Welcome back!

Lipstick: Bagless 2, Mr Potato Head and special virgin lipstick for Hooray.

Dick: Stiffy to Loose Change for doing a head plunge on the run. She needs a crash helmet!

Tits: Tits are in Ugly Bum’s car but belong to King Lear. On behalf of King Lear, Ugly Bum gave it to HandBag for saying that the reason why Loose Change did the head plunge is because she is top heavy !

GM Charge: Did the GM give an award last week? Best looking who? Gypsy apparently put it in the newsletter but the GM didn’t give that award away! [Ed: good to know that at least the GM reads the newsletter].

AOB:

· Wet Pet to Stiffy for leading her other half astray last week! Or was it went astray with Stiffy??

· Not Tonight to Fat Crashing Bastard (one of Stiffy’s boyfriends). He was heard asking Stiffy what was happening to his cigarette lighter, it kept popping up!

· Ugly Bum to Fat Crashing Bastard, Stiffy and Virginia Slim who stood next to her and discussed how their willies got out of hand.

· HandBag to Virginia Slim: HandBag rang Deep Throat about the on-on and was really looking forward to the Cottage Pies until he arrived at the run site and saw Virginia Slim ‘s body…it turned him off!

· HandBag to Stiffy: for Bullshitting, for blaming the hares….etc…

· Stiffy to Nut Cracker and Woodbridge for arguing whether it was cottage pie we were having or Scottish Pie for the on on.

· Herr Zip to Strapless & Zipp for getting the wrong holiday???

· Deep Throat to CunniLicker : A carry on charge for his forgetfulness on New Year’s eve. He forgot to zip up!

· Jack off to Malfunktion and CunniLicker for being lookalike….was it the colour of their hair or their T-shirt??

· GM to Malfunktion the missing hare on the run!

· GM to Philippa : When asked why she brought had a pair of binoculars on the run. She answered that had it so that she will can run in front of everyone!

On on on.

Scribed by Deep Throat.

The Real Blackmore Drive Run

Hares: Shoe Shopper & Wet Patch

Where: Blackmore Drive

On On: Red Lantern

The Circle (7:53pm): The Wet Brazilian called the circle to order but we had to wait for Slocum to walk up the road.

The Circle really starts (7:56pm): “Hares front & center, please” Wet Patch and Shoe Shopper admitted to setting the run and looked mildly surprised when everyone said it was a good run. A well laid trail, with a nice run-in, was much appreciated. The highlight seemed to be the fact that Tiger Lily did the run so fast that only a very few people ever saw her. She arrived late, finished first, road her bike home and showered before the second runner finished.

Tell us about your On On (7:58pm): (It took some extra time because the Wet Brazilian had to be reminded what came next). Red Lantern aka Torture Restaurant (or Fortune Restaurant or something like that). $10.

Next week’s run (8:00pm): The Wet Brazilian put on her reading glasses to find the names of next weeks hares and that caused all kinds of problems as she then could not see any in attendance. Deep Throat, Malfunktion, Ad Nauseum and Ugly Bum are setting the run from Dairy Farm Road, Car Park B at the toilets.

Harriet Virgin (8:02pm): May Day time travelled from Thursday to attend. Sybil seemed particularly happy and for some reason, Shoe Shopper knew that MD liked to come a lot.

Returnees (8:03pm): A whole gaggle of old farts retuned including Malfunktion, Pubic Zipp, Herr Zipp, Woodbridge, In & Out and King Lear. Welcome back all.

Visitors (8:04pm): Nutcracker, Circle Jerk and Bagless II (the good one) all got a drink. Welcome all.

Virgins (8:06pm): Not a single new nubile piece of fresh meat to be had.

Lipstick (still 8:06pm): Maggot, Hooray, May Day, Circle Jerk, Bagless II (the fast one) and Circle Jerk all got a touch of the rouge because of an infraction or two on the run. Some were complaining of an unfair charge that later got explained.

Tits (8:08pm): Jack Off had hold of the Dick but ceded the floor to Stiffy’s Tits charge, citing that the Harriets always let the ladies go first. Stiffy called in King Lear for being silly enough to have minor surgery on Christmas Eve, only to be told AFTER the op that he was not allowed to consume alcohol for three days. There goes the Christmas spirit.

Dick (8:10pm): Slocum had two nominations to take the Dick with Fat Crashing Bastard called in first. Apparently he was more than entertained by the many references to The Wet Brazilian’s new, multi-hued hairstyle. Not Tonight got the Dick though because She reminded Slocum of the age old mystery “Why do woman always want men to go further than the men are comfortable with”. I think it referred to checking a little further but it could just be a commitment thing.

Awards (8:10am): Gypsy got a drink in recognition that once again, for the 21^st year in a row, he was unanimously voted and the most appreciated, best looking and most intelligent hasher in Singapore.

AOB:

• (8:12pm) Stiffy called in Zipp and Too Easy to raise a trivia question: What do these ladies have in common? Fat Crashing Bastard knew the answer was not only the same shirt (SNAP!) but also both have big boobs and he also noted that the ladies seemed to celebrate their sameness by giving each other a “booby high ten”.
• (8:13pm) In & Out showed off his iPad and new car which turned out to be a Renault and Ford joint venture car. The car, a hybrid of the Clio and Taurus, or CliTaurus had some built in oddities for marketing to women. As best I can recall, it comes in pink and the average male won’t be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is. And even if he did find it, he wouldn’t know how to service it. It seems like a logical marketing move except most women have never seen one. I guess the CliTaurus will be sold by feel and always be somewhere near the Volvo. One existing issue is that as the car gets older, the boot seems to get bigger and bigger and the engine constantly needs to be re-lubed. In & Out suggested leasing a new car each year rather than getting saddled for one for a longer period as they are very expensive to service and deregistering one after a long ownership comes with severe financial penalties. He also reminded people that if they rent the CliTaurus, they should avoid the rental agencies in Geylang as those cars are not certified safe. Also, never, ever – and I mean NEVER buy a used model – it’s just inheriting someone else’s problems. In & Out charged himself for daring to make this public service announcement.
• (8:17pm) Fat Crashing Bastard was walking the home trail with Slocum when Slocum asked if they should be breaking the checks. FCB charged him with having delusions of grandeur.
• (8:18pm) Too Easy called in the hares, Wet Patch & Shoe Shopper, because they suggested to her that she go down as quickly as possible. FCB asked that she start soon but then take her time.
• (8:20pm) The Wet Brazilian called in Ad Nauseum’s look-a-like, Bagless II (the old one). Apparently Ad Nauseum found a check and called for a woman. When he saw the confusion on the other hashers’ faces, he asked if the person in the front (The Wet Brazilian) was a man or a woman. She had to stop running, turn back to smack him and thus caused several front running men to be thrust into the lipstick zone.
• (8:21pm) Malfunktion called in Fat Crashing Bastard because he caught up to them on the trail, only to hear for the 100^th run in a row, that they were talking about Formula One race cars. Get your minds out of the gutter boys!
• (8:23pm) Zipp called in May Day, Circle Jerk, Wet Patch and Malfunktion for helping to move the circle to a safer place.
• (8:24pm) Stiffy called in May Day for not really volunteering for the previous good deed. He apparently was seduced into it by Sybil but May Day figured that he paid his dues, just in a different way from the other guys.
• (8:26pm) The Wet Brazilian called in Father Anus for being like a seagull. He swooped in, squawking up a storm, causing massive disruption just to eat, poop and leave. Father Anus tried desperately to get out of the charge by flattery but it didn’t work.
• (8:27pm) The Wet Brazilian further called in Jack Off for dirty dancing to the Horse’s Ass song so Jack Off gave everyone a demonstration.

(8:30pm) With the stand-in scribe getting cramps in his hand, the GM took pity and thankfully called for a move to the on on.

On on on.

Scribed by Gypsy.