Singapore Hash House Harriets

The ‘imported chocolates’ Run.

Hares: Too Easy, Two Jugs, and Fat Crashing Bastard fresh off the plane?

Where: Segar Road.

On On: Food Court Next Door.

The Circle:

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? The Chocolates were great! Location was most original. Run was a bit wet….yeah, it was a good run!

Tell us about your On On: On the spot but not on –site ..not a –la- carte- The hares took the trouble to order the meal! (Thank you hares!).

Next week’s run: Breast Cancer Awareness Run, Fort Canning Park. $20 for members and $35 for guests, which includes on on, shirt, and the good feeling of donating to a worthy cause. Hares are Sybil, Dances with Kerbs & Forced Entry.

Fat Crashing Bastard said “he will be aware of breasts next Wednesday!

Visitors / Returnees:Welsh Git, Belcher, Mark, Christian, WTF is Christine, Liz, Totally Unacceptable, Amber, Knobby Boy Scout & Sweedy Tits.

Virgins: Thomas. He is glad he survived and he did not expect to get so wet!

Lipstick:Mr Potato Head, Who the F’xxk is Christine.

Tits: Ayam Zinking is not here, he is still tiinking.

Dick:Boo still has his hands on it.

Awards – nope.

AOB:

· Who the Fxxk’s Christine to : Tiger Lily for hallucinating and then took a short cut (how unlike her to do that! )

· Mr Potato Head : Who the Fxxk’s Christine for commenting that Twin Towers looks like D.I.Y.

· Wet Brazilian : Slim for not being able to keep his hands off Forced Entry throughout the entire run.

· Not Tonight to Liz (now and forever known as Suck Swallow) for sending Not Tonight to test the depth of the drain. (Can she not tell their height difference?) However, the best part that got Liz her hash name was that she thought she will try the shallower end of the drain but she got sucked into the mud instead!

· Who the fxxk’s Christine: To Tiger Lily for breaking the bamboo bridge as she crossed it.

· Gypsy : while he was short cutting he overheard one of the hares saying…she should know the trail better as she has done a few reccee of this run …Two Jugs!

· Knobby Boy Scout: He read a research on how often do European men change their socks daily?

o The French – rather infrequently

o The British – 80% of the time

Fat Crashing Bastard being half French was called in for a down down.

· Fat Crashing Bastard: On Happiness. Thomas the virgin made him laugh when he said “ God, my face hurts!)

· Too Easy then said Well, he has never been beaten by so many women!

· Who the Fxxk’s Christine heard a complaint. Mr Potato Head apparently complained about being behind Twin Towers.

· Mr Potato Head to Liz, Thomas, Deep Throat and Not Tonight for not wearing hash attire.

· Deep Throat to Stiffy : For using Deep Throat as a scapegoat when he asked Corrina (my pet) “who‘s that dog you brought” well, it was Not Tonight that was standing on the other side of Corrina!

· Stiffy’s revenge: Still taking to Corrina but to me for saying that I am 9 1/2 …

The all said it was boring so the circle ended…

Scribed by Deep Throat.

The ‘Sengkang Heartbreak’ Run.

Hares: Kan Not Kan & Kan The Kobra

Where: Heavy Vehicle Car Park, Anchorvale Crescent off Anchorvale Street, Sengkang.

On On; Ding Xiang Seafood, Fernvale Koufu.

The Run

Just whose heart were the Hares going to break on tonight’s run? A fine view of the backside of the Sengkang HDB blocks was soon obliterated as we disappeared into the jungle. The jungle soon turned into fern growth that was disguising a very soggy waterway underneath, full of holes, logs, rocks and possibly landmines. This did not stop Tiger Lily, who was trapped in the middle of the single file line, from yelling out ‘Keep running.’ Yeah, right.

Out onto a gravel track that came to a fork, so we stopped and let Tiger Lily keep running to what we thought must be a T Check. But she kept running and running and did not come back, so we eventually decided it was not a T after all and set off after her, only to find her coming back calling ‘T Check.’ What took her so long to find it? Is she slowing down?

A nice board walk across the water, it was difficult to decide what to admire the most – the river view or Twin Tower’s bum, which was leading the way at this stage after Tiger Lily was sent to discover another T Check.

The hardy and the foolish then hugged a tin fence along a canal, while the less hardy but certainly far wiser stayed on the road and arrived at the same destination more happily. The road safety first Hashers then decided to use the overhead pedestrian bridge at the light rail station to cross the divided road, only to find it was closed, resulting in a groin straining leg lift over the green safety railing.

Up the embankment and into the jungle. As we came across an illegal’s hut, deep in the jungle, we were quickly surrounded by a pack of ferocious, wild, aggressive, savage dogs. Well, you would have thought so by the noise they made. However, they turned out to be rather cute and lovely little puppies that just liked to make a lot of noise. Was this the hut where Virginia Slim once had a drink stop? I think so.

It was just after this that we sort of lost trail momentarily. Slim, knowing the area well because of his dog friends, was heard to make a comment – ‘If we go to the right, it will be just a nice length run, but if we go to the left it will be a seriously stupidly long run.’ So as we emerged from the jungle onto a track, I looked to the right and found paper. On on. Come on Tiger Lily, catch up.

Through the Sengkang Riverside Park, over the bridge and footpath back to home, just under 50 minutes for front runners. The Hare, who was sweeping, got back at 7.30 and declared that we had all missed 1/3 of his run. Which really made Virginia Slim’s previous comment absolutely accurate.

Due to absolutely no fault of the Hare then, this turned out to be quite a nice, enjoyable little run. Bit of a heart breaker though.

The Circle: The Circle was delayed a little while the Hare showered. We certainly did not want Kan Not Kan standing in the middle of the Circle in his jocks and soaping himself up. Might be different if it was Kan The Kobra.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Who let the dogs out, not enough heartbreak, bit soggy. It was an enjoyable, good run thanks Hares, but could have been swept better.

Tell us about your On On: 8 courses of yummy stuff at Ding Xiang Seafood.

Next week’s run: Fat Crashing Bastard and Too Easy, Segar Rd, off Bukit Panjang Rd. As usual, check the map.

Visitors / Returnees: Way too many for me to write down and I forgot to get the list of the GM. But if they are visitors, then they don’t get the newsletter anyway and so they won’t know they didn’t get a mention.

Virgins: An Australian female virgin. Quite a rarity. (To test her authenticity, should she be made to do 10 naked squats, while having her ears pinched, as per Malaysian Immigration procedures?).

Lipstick: Ad Nauseum, Stiffy, Stiff and Sneaky Comer who arrived after the run in a taxi with his wife. He should have put her in the front seat obviously, thus having a female in front at all times.

Tits: Ayam Zinking is not here, he is still tiinking.

Dick: Boo still has his hands on it.

Awards – nope.

AOB:

· Ugly Bum attacks Wet N Wild for not looking after her sick husband, who was dragged off his death couch so that she could mark the attendance sheet. (and sneak in another wine or 2 – scribe).

· Wet N Wild counter attacks by stating that she went to work with the flu but Sneaky Comer had to get MC and stay home. (Coincidence that World Cup is on at moment?)

· Mother’s Tongue asks where the Hares are? Still showering. Oh please lets not bring a semi naked Kan Not Kan into the Circle – we’ll never get rid of him.

· Fat Crashing Bastard talked about sex on the run, involving Stiff, Stiffy and Tiger Lily. Tiger, in an impatient single file moment called out ‘Run the F#*ing Hash’ to those in front of her then mumbled something about preferring to f#*k than run.

· Your scribe then heard Tiger Lily comment after the run ‘It’s alright until you put it in your mouth.’

· The GM had observed that neither Stiff or Stiffy had downed their drinks at the previous charge. ‘We are trying to be responsible citizens, we’re driving.’ (If you wanted to be responsible, you would not be associated with the Hash- scribe) They then blame Virginia Slim, who is acting as Hash Brew, for not offering them water. And what do they do with their cup of water for this charge – throw it up in the air over everyone. Naughty little boys they are.

· Not Tonight wanted to charge the virgin, but she has gone already. Apparently the virgin has to leave Singapore, and the word ‘deported’ was mentioned. But Not Tonight has a cunning plan (thank you Balwdrick) – she claims that if you have a pussy you won’t be deported. (If the virgin does not have a pussy, that may explain why she was still a virgin – scribe) Anyway, she is not here, deported already, and it is Comes Quietly, whom is the closest thing we can get to an Australian virgin, who takes the charge.

· Slowcum got a lecture on his abuse of water when showering, knowing that it is a scarce resource. But there was Stiff and Stiffy at the previous charge blatantly wasting water by throwing it up in the air instead of drinking. Naughty, naughty, naughty little boys.

· Shaggy Dick 2 witnessed blatant abuse of power involving the Assistant Hash Cash, Stiffener, and a male visitor. First he took of his shirt then his shorts and then bent over in front of her, while all the time Assistant Hash Cash kept asking him for money. Just where was he going to pull the money out from when he was virtually naked?

· Fat Crashing Bastard got our stand in female Oz virgin, Comes Quietly, back in and tells her/him that when choosing a pussy to avoid being deported, choose carefully. You don’t want an unlucky pussy. While these are words of wisdom indeed, could Twin Towers standing in front of a mirror admiring herself and saying ‘How good is my arse?’ be construed as unlucky? (I personally don’t think there can possibly be anything unlucky at all admiring Twin Tower’s arse in a mirror, especially if the mirror was on the bedroom ceiling – scribe.)

· Kan Not Kan, finally showered, explains the basis behind the naming of tonight’s run as the ‘Heartbreak’ Run. The bulldozers are moving in on the jungle area that he swept and we all missed running. It appears that will be the last time a trail will be set in there. That certainly is heartbreak material. The fact that the entire pack missed that section of the run is a double heartbreak! (But this is a valid point he has brought up, very true).

· At this stage, an urgent shout interrupted proceedings – did anyone book a very large taxi?? Because there coming directly at the Circle was a large set of headlights with green lights, 2 and a half metres above the ground. Wait, that’s no taxi, it’s a truck and Mother’s Tongue is parked in his spot. Oh truck!

· Kan Not Kan continued his charge, once the trucked had bull dozed Mother’s Tongue’s wagon out of the way. We know that Kan the Kobra has a fear of dogs, and consequently did not want to set the trail past the illegal’s dog house, but apparently there was (and I quote here) ‘A giant 3 Headed Norwegian Troll stated that some of those dogs are trained attack dogs.’ (The dogs I saw would lick you to death and smother you with affection, and that would be totally acceptable.-scribe)

· The GM noticed that Stiffy was not in the least bit afraid of the trained attack dogs – he even attempted to trample one with his foot. The pup got revenge by giving Stiffy’s ankle a lick and wagging his tail in a threatening manner. Take that! (The canine should have pissed on Stiffy’s ankle too, but but the trained attack dog could not cock his leg that high- scribe)

· Hoo Ray observed that Two Jugs and Wet Brazilian are choosey about what they put in their mouth – wasabi is not on their list of recommended items. (Who did bring those wasabi chips?)

· Tiger Lily pipes in and claims that at least she puts things into her mouth before she decides to swallow or spit out, unlike Two Jugs and the GM who just shut up shop.

· A Court of Law was then formed.

o Ministry of Trash v the Defendant, Kan Not Kan. This is an environmentally unfriendly charge from the Minister of Trash, Ad Nauseum, against the defendant, Mr.Kan Not Kan, who is hereby accused of using non biodegradable, chemically toxic, non decomposable, visually unacceptable and with a heavy carbon footprint loading red/white plastic tape to mark trail.

o The debate heated up, with KNK resolutely rebutting such nonsense, and pulling out a bag of red and white tape that he removed while sweeping. Unfortunately he was unable to produce any witnesses to verify the authenticity of the tape that was collected on the latter part of the run, due to the fact that no one else got to that part of the run.

o An expert on toxicology and other non related illnesses, Mother’s Tongue, having recovered her wagon from the bull bar of the big truck, then joined the fracas and adamantly told KNK that his defence in justifying the use of red/white plastic tape was fundamentally and scientifically flawed.

o Kan Not Kan, who was defending himself in the absence of his almost a good lawyer, Mr. Boo MC, would not have a part of this rubbish. However, Mother’s Tongue then swore on oath that she was correct and KNK was wrong, and that she would have her head chopped off if she was wrong. (The court then noted that Mother’s Tongue was confused – it was in certain parts of Europe that beheading was used for punishment, here in Singapore it is much more refined and involves hanging by the neck until dead).

o The case was thrown out, the environmental objectors, the Dishonourable Member for Trash Mr. Ad Nauseum and the Crown non expert witness, Madam Mother’s Tongue from the Yishun Hospital, were then given a down down.

o A later charge from the Urban Land Authority, represented by Ms Suzee Wong, that states that the use of red /white plastic tape may be a copyright infringement involving construction work sites, was dismissed.

o The Singapore Armed Forces, represtented by Brigadier General Croc Hunter, are also seeking legal advice, concerned that they may lose a whole platoon of soldiers on a training exercise following red/white tape around Sengkang.

o Case dismissed.

o Court adjourned.

o Brigadier General Croc Hunter invites everyone for a drink from his personal bar.

On on to Ding Xiang Seafood. Follow the red/white plastic tape!

Up your kilts!

Scribed by Cock Radio.

This week’s Chinese Proverb

Confucius say: when you go for routine check up and everything seems to be going fine until he sticks his index finger up your arse, it is time to change dentists.

Ever since i was a child, i’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So i went to a psychiatrist and told him ‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it.  I’m scared.  I think I’m going crazy..’

‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the psychiatrist. ‘Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..’

‘How much do you charge?’

‘Eighty dollars per visit,’ replied the doctor.

‘I’ll sleep on it,’ I said.

Six months later the psychiatrist met me on the street.

‘Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?’ he asked.

‘Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!’

‘Is that so!’ With a bit of an attitude he said, ‘and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?’

‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! – Ain’t nobody under there now!!!

The ‘Vibrator Retirement’ Run.

Hares: Vibrator & Open To The Floor

Where: Tagore Drive.

On On; Boxer’s Cottage Pie, Brownies and free beer.

The Run

Looking at the Hares, it seems like we had a choice of the muddy split or the prickly split. Vibrator had enough mud on him to give a pig an orgasm, while Open To The Floor’s legs were so cut and scratched that she was in need of a blood transfusion.

An interesting beginning had the pack climb up through the bushes only to descend back to the footpath 100 metres further along. While waiting my turn to descend through the bushes, I glanced ahead along the track and saw what looked like paper 20 meters away. On closer inspection, it actually turned out to be paper. Followed by more paper, and even more paper. Trash was with us, but this was not trash, it was trail. So while a group of us stayed up on the dirt trail calling ‘On,’ Wet Patch and others could be heard down on the footpath calling ‘On.’ Mmm, strange.

Well, eventually those of us on the track came to the long /short split with arrows pointing back the way we came. Yep, we had found the home trail. Bugger.

Those who took the correct trail crossed Upper Thompson and into the bush, where a nice stream awaited them. Vibrator had warned us to stay off the market garden inside, as he had been chased out by an angry Chinaman for stepping on his plants. However, Kan Not Kan was actually invited into a shack for a sit down and cup of tea by one of the farmers.

A Circle Check had the Pack scratching around, but not the Hare, who was on his GPS. Wet Patch investigated on his own up a steep embankment. A very steep embankment. In fact a very, extremely steep embankment. Eventually his momentum completely ceased and he slowly started to lean backwards until he toppled over onto his back. Luckily for him, no one was there to see this.

Trail was found through a hole in a fence, then it was back over Upper Thomson to join the others who had found home trail, and were virtually home by now. It was worrying though when the Hare got out his GPS in the middle of Upper Thompson to see where he was. But it was quite funny another time when he was checking his GPS in the jungle and head butted a tree.

The highlight of the long split was the mud patch. I arrived at the turn off point into the mud, next to the tractor, much earlier than anyone else, as a result of the previous oversight of the Hares in setting home trail paper 20 metres from the out trail. But this time the Hares excelled. Once again I looked straight ahead along the track, and there 200 metres in the distance was a trail of white paper placed carefully 1 metre high in the bushes on the side of the track, standing out for all to see like dog’s balls. Quickly I raced down and placed the paper discretely out of sight in the grass.

This resulted in the FRB’s following the Hare’s desired trail and wallowing in mud, Tiger Lily doing an ‘I am zinking’ impersonation and lots of cursing from SD2, Wet Patch etc when they discovered it was a T Check. For some reason, Camel Humper and Posh Nash simply ran straight ahead and kept their feet clean. Too Posh for mud I guess.

All back in about the hour mark, around the 7km range, this was a pretty good run I reckon. Perhaps just a little too well marked in sections.

The Circle: A rather lively Circle, watched at a distance by a number of curious Bangla Boys. (My, wasn’t it hard to find a place to have a pee in private – Tiger Lily even resorted to the shower tent at the end of the Circle).

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? There were many comments offered, but Shaggy Dick 2 standing next to me summed it up with ‘A very good run’ to the power of 3. (To non-intellectuals – a very, very, very good run).

Tell us about your On On: Boxer Cottage Pie and Cubs Brownies. 10 smackeroos and beer thrown in. Very good run to the power of 6!

Next week’s run: Kan Not Kan tries to co-opt tonight ‘s Hares to help him next week – tonight’s run backwards? Then he sort of settles on Sengkang. Check web site for latest. I have no doubt the on on will up to his usual standard. [Ed: Heavy Vehicle Car Park off Sengkang Crescent].

Visitors / Returnees: Trash, Belcher, Stiff, iPood, Amber, Totally Unacceptable, Tore, Princess of The Sloth, Fisting With Sheep (obviously a Kiwi), Tim, Malfunktion, Nelmoed. Arse Grabber & Ichibawasan making a return.

Virgins: Jay, who was so disgusted by the state of his socks that he wanted to throw them out.

At this stage, the GM said something about hanging onto your cups, which was interpreted as ‘hang onto your jugs’ by Stiffy.

Lipstick: A multitude, including visitors, Cock Radio, Mr. Potato Head, Father Anus amongst others.

Tits: Ayam Zinking is not here, he is still tiinking.

Dick: Absent, with Boo.

Awards – 450 Runs! Father Anus. Have a Happy Birthday too. And a mention to Hand Bag – 100 runs; and Fat Crashing Bastard – 50 runs for donating their awards to Breast Cancer Awareness cause.

The GM then charged Hash Brew for forgetting the cup-washing bucket.

Then there was a camera charge on the visitors who tried hijacking the Circle armed with a Kodak weapon.

Stiffy was then charged by the GM for talking (he was actually being nice by asking the scribe if he would like another beer!)

Don’t forget the Breast Cancer Awareness Run coming up.

And of course the 2000th Run – World-class entertainment, pole dancing and strippers. See Sneaky Comer.

AOB:

· Cock Radio points out that Shoe Shopper always has a go at KNC for photographing on the Hash, but who has her Kodak out tonight doing some snapping?? And who was she snapping – half naked male visitors. Is she working for Cleo??

· Sneaky Comer reminds us that we have seasons of running, depending on our goals and when we want to peak etc. However, some of us have drinking seasons, and it appears that Shaggy Dick 2 is now entering the drinking season after a lay off. Wait till he peaks.

· iPood charged SD2 for getting a gal to take off her T Shirt for a photo shoot. Nothing wrong with that.

· Tiger Lily wants the lady sitting down (don’t we all!). While TL was showering, our Chinese lady visitor asked her for her lovely smelly thing. Which part of Tiger Lily would that be? Oh, it was her body soap.

· Stiffy was at school with 450 in earshot when a new mum yelled out at the top of her voice ‘Hey Stiffy.’ Well-done Tiger Lily.

· Vibrator was in the little market garden area and was asked by the Chinese gardener if it was the Hash? He then declared he did not want Veggie Queen coming in because she always eats all his bananas. Belcher takes the charge for the banana stealer.

· Stiff, fighting off the GM, tells how on reaching the front of the Pack with Tiger Lily, Wet Brazilian claimed that the front of the Pack is her rightful spot.

· Shaggy Dick Too observed Tiger Lily lose her soul in the mud. So the soulless running shoe was discarded at the end of the run, but the other one was put in her bag and taken home. What good is one shoe? She said that this is a left shoe and she had another single right shoe at home that would make a pair.

· iPood tested the height of our smelly lovely thing visitor. Gypsy also came in and tried but was chased out of the Circle by Zipp. Anyway, the charge involved too much technology for me to describe and I was too busy looking at smelly lovely thing.

· Shoe Shopper charged Vibrator for being clueless. At a Circle Check that was particularly difficult to break, despite people searching in all directions, Mr. Potato Head finally asked the Hare where the trail was. Vibrator’s reply – ‘Where no one has checked yet.’

· Zipp describes how Dances With Kerbs, who was celebrating her wedding anniversary, decided that she would walk with her and have a chat while enjoying the serenity. That is until she saw a young virgin male and decided to run after him.

· Suzee Ong charged the Committee for their lack of F**k Me Shoes, especially Forced Entry.

· Open to the Floor believes that Hand Bag did not bring his new GF along because he did not want to bore her.

· Kan Not Kan saw Hand Bag asleep on the MRT.

· Tiger Lily was running with Camel Humper when he called out ‘Big slippery hole.’ Tiger Lily looked around but all she could see was Shoe Shopper.

On on to Boxer’s Woodland’s Cottage Pies and Brownies.

Scribed by Cock Radio.

This week’s Chinese Proverb

English version – better to let a fart out than hold it in.

Chinese version – Confucius say better to have vacant property than have evil tenant.

Think about that one.

The ‘Skirting the National Park’ Run.

Hares: Deep Throat & Wet Brazilian

Where: Dairy Farm Rd. National Parks Car Park 1.

On On; Malfunktion’s Italian Meatballs and special sauces, at Deep Throat’s residence, Pasir Panjang. Just up from the National Park.

Life

Suspended. Cock Radio is back. Think about it…..

The Run

Well, after having the camp stirred up by SD2 in my absence, it’s good to be back in the scribes seat and appreciated by all, except for Knot Good Enough and Giving Way, who continue to complain I get their names wrong all the time. You can’t please everyone. In my case, probably no one.

Well, Shaggy Dick Too has started up something worthy, which is unusual for the British. But I will be incorporating a secret code word into this report for the GM to test everyone with at the following run. But you must read through to find it, so get searching all you word sleuths.

Leaving the National Parks Car Park, into the bike track we went. I stopped and looked at the maps on the National Parks noticeboards as we ventured along some nice sort of National Park trails. At one stage, it looked we were leaving the National Parks area, but a great T Check pulled us back into National Parks, and I checked our position on the map on the next National Parks noticeboard.

The FRB’s, led by Tiger Lily and ably supported y the equally blind Knobby Boy Scout, sailed straight ahead on the bike trail, which is maintained by National Parks, missing a turn off. Despite being called on back by the Hare, they kept going and by the time they realized they were off, they were back on again.

For the rest of us, it was over a green National Park’ railing and down into a rather significant drain that turned out to be pretty much the anus of the quarry, the one that is in the National Park. A wonderful view of the Quarry and surrounding National Park jungle greeted us as we emerged from the rectum. Father Anus was there in his element.

The Hares then spared no expense in providing us with a piece of rope – actually it was only slightly above the category of being called a piece of string and just snuck into the twine class- to descend down a slippery hill back onto the bike track at the National Parks overhead bridge. They misjudged the length of the twine by about 2 meters, leaving everyone man, and woman, to fend for their own bum at the last drop.

Eventually we emerged from the National Parks and took the rocky ex railway line back to Rail Mall, over the old railway bridge on Upper Bukit Timah Rd for another treacherous descent down onto the footpath, where Father Anus was at the bottom (appropriately) to help the pretty girls.

A circle Check under the bridge pretty much did to the Pack what Greece is doing to the EU.

Hand Bag went left and right, but was clueless. Comes Quietly went left, adamant he saw paper. A lot of the pack went right, and left, and down, and up. Eventually trail that led in completely the opposite direction to National Parks was found, for some tarmac running out in the Hillview Ave area, leading to the big field and eventually crossing back over the old railway line and Upper Bukit Timah Rd to Dairy Farm Rd, where the Beer Wagon awaited at National Parks Car park 1.

7.1 km, around the 1 hour mark, for 2 GM’s this was not a bad run really. Even well thought out. However, I would like to get a definition from the Hares on the word ‘skirting,’ as I think it may differ from what National Parks define as ‘skirting!’ Well done though Hares. Did I mention National Parks?

The Circle: The GM was not happy with the shape of the Circle. I rated it 9/10. Would have got 10/10 without Stiffy and Boo there.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Not enough National Parks, too much skirting, too many GM’s! Not bad for 2 old ladies (Boo) and who did you pay to lay it? (Pay to get laid?) Good run.

Tell us about your On On: My House (Deep Throat), meat balls and stuff by Mal Funktion. And a case of free beer. $12 per head. [Ed: the scribe forgot to mention the precarious trip to the on on in Croc Hunter’s van].

Next week’s run: Vibrator, who is retiring maybe, and hopefully not in Singapore, Tagore Drive, Boxer on site. Not near a National Park.

Visitors / Returnees: The GM had trouble with the print size of the list and could not read it. I have the list and and here it is! Veggie Queen, Burp: Belcher, National Parks Ranger, Fuk Mai Pak Uo Soon, Vibrator, WTFI, Bagless, Trash, Knobless Boy Scout, iPoo’d.

Virgins: Stephen, Jodia, Tim Twing, & Velmoot who is unsure of his/ her status..

Lipstick: A spanking in lieu of was awarded to Ad Museum, who calls in a lawyer to defend himself, and Vibrator, who actually was being a gentleman and got down the drain first to help the females. Life is so unfair. Shaggy Dick 2 came in of his own accord, just for a free spanking. Sick man. But I like his style!

Tits: Ayam Zinking is not here, he is still tiinking.

Dick: Shaggy Dick Too – Open To The Floor – Vibrator – Camel Humper – Boo: all these were mentioned in having dealings with the Dick, making this charge rather messy. However, Camel Humper has learnt that some gals just keep on taking hydration to unimaginable proportions – Do they know when they have had enough?? Anyway, from memory, the Singaporean Thief, Boo, took the Dick, but I struggled to get my hand on it.

Awards – there having been zilch for many many weeks, it was inevitable there would be a plethora of awards tonight. [Ed: the on-sec blames her husband, the webmaster, for having an entirely too complicated system that requires her to click a button to tell her who is due for an award]. [Webmaster note: if any of you are curious about your run count, ALL you need to do is get a logon for the web site; log on, then click “My Information” – all you need to know is there – your run count, a transcript since April 2007 (in case you need it for a job interview), the runs you are scheduled to hare and that you have hared already. It even has fiction such as your T-shirt size. Ask for a logon and take a look.]

All of the awardees here mentioned donated the value of their awards to charity:

· Boo, 800 runs!

· Not Tonight, 650 runs

· Stiffy, 650 runs

· Quickie, 550 runs

· Too Easy, 350 runs

· Comes Quietly, 250 runs

· Kannot Kan, 150 runs

· Wet Patch, 50 runs (careful observers will have noted that Wet Patch refused to join the club for many moons, not being entitled to vote).

AOB:

· Not Tonight has a whinge – When Stiffy was announced as doing 650 runs, Too Easy said nothing. When it was announced that Not Tonight had completed 650 runs also, Too Easy commented ‘No way.’ She is the meanest really.

· Wet N Wild was in the lead, at one stage on the National Park trail, when finally the next bunch of gals caught up, prompting Shaggy Dick Too to call ‘At last, some fast runners.’ He is the meanest, really.

· Wet Brazilian has the secret to Wet N Wild’s running prowess – she hydrates well before the run and during the run. And during the run, she makes the GM carry her water bottle for her. (If the GM was serious, she would piss in it)

· Sneaky Comer has secret number 2 to Wilds’ prowess – she is taking steroids. Drug testing next? Or sex testing??

· Shaggy Dick had to comfort an upset male member after the NP run. Tiger Lily told Knobby Boy Scout that his ‘beard’ made him look like an old man. Is she the meanest?

· Ad Naseum was not going to be misled or fooled on this NP trail. Zipp heard him say not to bother checking up a rather hazardous piece of jungle, because ‘Deep Throat would never go up there, it has to be a false trail.’ He could be the meanest.

· Stiffy has a whinge about the 2000th run entry form being back to back, so that when you hand it in you lose all the details of when it is, where it is, what time etc. Shoe Shopper cops it, and immediately screws up an entry form, double sided of course, and tries registering it down Stiffy’s throat. We all know he is the meanest. [Ed: the 2000^th run committee would welcome the assistance of everyone who knows they can do a better job J]

· Cock Radio explains why the forms are back to back – they were printed on the latest technology at the highest charging fee International School in Singapore, ISS, whose printer automatically does double sided to save paper. (We are only allowed 15 copies per week)

· Tiger Lily has a bummer of a charge to Cock Radio for wrapping the Oz flag around his bum and groin disguised as a pair of shorts. Shame, Julia Guilard would not do something like that, she just has sex on the floor with her BF under the Oz Flag. (Let’s not go there with that anymore, the thought is unpleasant!)

· Hand Bag is worried about English protocol – you can do almost anything on a British Bus – fight, fare evade, drink, graffiti, slash seats, and even have sex – just don’t smoke afterwards. Ah, priorities.

· At last, the charge we had to have. Wet Patch gets in the 2 GM Hares and nails them for not applying to National Parks for a permit for running in National Parks land.

· Maggot was at the ISS sports day (must have a good job) spectating, when he heard the announcer mention that ‘Princess Parker was at the finish line judging the relays. He looked down there and could only see Shoo Shopper.

· Shoe Shopper on the run towards the end, the pack were asking what time it was. She said ‘6.55,’ but was immediately corrected by Knobby Boy Scout who said ‘No, it’s 5 to 7.’ Isn’t he a clever little scout?

· Shaggy Dick Too was a little miffed by the Hares – seems the 2 GM’s tried to get the front runners hit by cars by placing arrows in the middle of roads for them to search for. It’s called traffic dodge.

· Vibrator, still with his wits about him, recalls a blonde moment when Knobby Boy Scout asked him where the Singapore ½ Marathon was. Well, you could book a flight to London but you may miss it. Duhhh!Will it be through National Parks?

· Knobby Boy Scout is in again for a nudity charge while showering after the run. This time he engaged the help of a male friend to try and cover his modesty with a towel.

· Tiger Lily goes for the kill on Knobby Boy Scout, he has told her no less than 9 times that he did the Switzerland Extreme Race. (‘Where was that held? ‘asks Zipp.) Tonight, KBS must be the meanest.

On on to Malfunktion’s Italian Meatballs, and stuff.

Scribed by Cock Radio. And written up at 35,000 feet over outback Australia.

This week’s Chinese Proverbs

Man who take tool into bathroom not necessarily plumber.

GM who take run into National Park, skirting the truth.

Password Quiz clue, for those still struggling.

What sort of a park does Yogi Bear live in?

Hint: Yellowstone N….. Park.

Two friends are fishing near a bridge, just by a National Park. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.

When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.

His mate turns to him and says," Dave, that’s one of the nicest most respectful things I’ve ever seen "

Dave replies," Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

On on CR

And a Rugby version:

A man had great tickets for the Rugby World Cup 2011 Final.

As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.

"No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event, and not use it?"

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married."

"Oh … I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They’re all at the funeral."

The ‘this is just a short” Run.

Hares: Mother’s Tongue with the annual guest appearances of Jana and Steve?

Where: Labrador Park in the “new” gravel car park

On On: Labrador Seafood

Life

Hello everyone, sorry the newsletter is a bit early but my wife is in the bar and the only rugby on TV is USA vs Russia. Riveting stuff (not exactly) from two countries that are better known for other sporting pursuits (the US playing rebellious sports that are almost, but not completely unlike the sports of their former colonial masters, and Russia for drinking Vodka and shooting bears (I imagine)). But I digress. There I was minding my own business on Wednesday (collecting money for the 2000^th run, sign up now!) when Shoe Shopper asked me who was scribing, with that meaningful look that suggested that I should grab a chair, a light, some paper, a pen, start writing and shut up. She helpfully backed up her meaningful look with a plaintive “it really should be a Harriet doing this, you know”.

The Run

This run will be short, stated mother hare confidently. Mmmm. Well assistant hares tend to run with us once a year and both of them look REALLY fit so I kept my own counsel and looked for any available short cutting opportunity. The front runners circled the point (Kannot Kan later insisted they short cut) while a few of us older and more cunning short cut to the waterfront. Up the hill, down the hill, out Labrador Park Road (not much other option, really, unless you do 20 laps of the park), and up Henderson Road.

Then we got into the Lock Road / Telok Blangah Hill area which has been closed off to allow a few more condos to be built. Defying an irritated workman (“you can’t go in there, lah”) we crossed the fence into the paths under the tree top walk and up to the top of the hill, where a circle check had the pack scratching their heads for a good 5 minutes. Tiger Lily had checked around the reservoir; and knowing her eyesight is very dodgy I checked again, finding paper that only 80 year old people with failing eyesight would see clearly from 100m away. On down the school road, onto the tree top walk, and back across Henderson Road for a totally unnecessary loop of Hortpark; before we head back down through the Technopark for the “sprint” back down Labrador Park Road. For me that was 1:20 which doesn’t qualify as short, but never mind.

The Circle:

The stand in GM is partly deaf at the moment, so she was on an equal footing with the circle – normally they can’t understand her, and tonight she couldn’t hear them. Nevertheless, she managed to form a circle.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Good run, thanks hares!

Tell us about your On On: Labrador Seafood, $12, with some free beer!

Next week’s run: Deep Throat & Wet Brazilian have informed us, by text, that the run will be at Dairy Farm Road, car park A (near the corner of Upper Bukit Timah Road). And before you ask, they will “skirt” the National Park.

Visitors / Returnees: Welcome Pete, First Blood, Slip It In (Bali), Ipood, Belcher, Veggie Queen, Trash, Phoney Dick, Loose Pussy (Miri). [Ed: Stiffener has the neatest writing (visitor’s list) I have EVER seen. I am tempted to save this guest list for the archives.]

Virgins: none.

Lipstick: All I can say is, Hooray is fortunate my wife can’t be bothered wearing/bringing lipstick any more.

Tits: “Some idiot forgot to bring them”, reports Zipp. [Ed: Zipp has the tits].

Dick: Shaggy Dick Too has noticed a women’s knitting circle going on down the back and asks those ladies to join the circle. Of the knitting circle, Open to the Floor is invited into the circle, and then Too Easy and Trash. Now, Shaggy Dick Too labored long and hard to bring us last week’s circle report and he wants to know who read it? Asking each of the ladies in turn to report on the secret code word hidden in the newsletter (none knew), he has Open to the Floor to task – last week she BEGGED him to write the notes because she was far too busy, and then she couldn’t spare the 5 minutes to read them. Give them all a drink and O2TF the Dick. Her feeble excuse that her computer was broken (must be a Mac) were ignored.

Awards – Zilch

AOB:

· Sneaky Comer had heard Big Head confessing to a droopy bottom during the run. Normally such a confession would be left well alone but fortunately Shaggy Dick Too provided sufficient reason (through his secret code word in the newsletter last week) for SC to feel safe enough to charge her. He was wrong. Give her a note anyway.

· Not Good Enough is “not a malicious man”. He has a story to tell, however, about asking Hooray whether he was on [Ed: stupid question, he is only ever on for the first 50m of the run], believing him, and being required to run up and down the Labrador Hill twice. While all this was going on he took advice from the hare “we have to go down” and his wife “we have to go down”, resulting in the before-said up and down, twice. Why NGE didn’t get a drink is beyond me – oh, never mind, he did. Give Mother’s Tongue, Give Way, Not Good Enough, and Hooray ALL a drink for up and down.

· Mother’s Tongue has a grudge. Not Good Enough is a teacher, doesn’t he know that up is superior?

· Sneaky Comer has another “last week’s newsletter” related charge, going out of his way to let SD2 know that at least one person read the newsletter. Up at Lock Road, Boo found trail after a check, but lacking a vagina he is not entitled to lead the pack. So he called for a woman, and encouraged them to follow trail by reporting that he had a huge python “in there”. Which caused all our lady front runners to run in the other direction, screaming. Give him a note.

· Not Good Enough has noted the increasing use of technology on the hash. He has observed people wearing heart rate monitors to make sure they exercise optimally. Tonight, however, he noticed a sad old bastard who’s heart has slipped so far he needs to wear his heart rate monitor around his knee. Give Mr Potato Head a note.

· Stiffy noticed a pair of fetching stripy pants running up Labrador Hill – but why was she running up the hill and not the nearby stairs? Miss Stripy Pants, also known as Loose Pussy from Miri Hash, gets a drink.

· Slocum is quick to point out what the rest of us are thinking – Not Tonight is not here so not tonight is the word, and Stiffy is quick to notice Miss Stripy Pants. Give him a note.

· Shoe Shopper’s hash taxi service had a new passenger tonight, Slip It In (or is it Slip ‘n Slide, I am confused), who is a “friend” of Shaggy Dick Too’s. Shoe Shopper is pleased to give him a lift to hash, anything for a fellow Aussie, she says. Until she finds out he is a f%$king Kiwi – all Kiwis get a drink.

· Kannot Kan calls in Maggot and asks him what his favourite saying is? Maggot replies “didn’t you do this charge on Sunday”? Yes, must be the answer, but few of us were there so it can do a replay. The favourite saying is “this is a hash, not a race”, and apparently Miss Stripy Pants, aka Loose Pussy, is guilty of racing. She may also be guilty of changing her name from Kam La Chau (I need a Bahasa dictionary please).

· Loose Pussy, in return, points out that she has two hash names, one for polite company and Harriets (Loose Pussy) and another one for impolite company. Anyway, Kannot Kant and Stiffy both get a drink for misnaming her (Miss Stripy Pants).

· Announcements:

o 22^nd October is our 2,000^th Run. This is a big deal guys, sign up now! Rego forms are on the web site and can be handed, with money, to Sneaky Comer when he shows up to a run J

o Tiger Lily borrowed a pen from someone and can’t remember (or see) who it was. She gets a drink, as a teacher she should know to just keep it. It is Zipp’s pen.

o Kannot Kan reports in less than 35 minutes that Kampong HHH have their annual charity run (for SunLove Home) this Saturday 17^th September. Please check their web site for details (from our web site, click About Us -> Other Singapore Hashes).

o The Breast Cancer Foundation, which we have supported for many years, needs more runners signed up for their Charity Run on Saturday 1^st October. Please please sign up at http://www.bcf.org.sg/home/index.php

Scribed by Sneaky Comer.

The ‘Second Chance” Run.

Hare: Hooray.

Where: Little India

On On: Not sure, was it Muthu’s?

Life

Hello everyone, sorry the newsletter is a bit late but I’ve had a busy week. Obviously not as busy as all the Harriet’s who are running multinational companies and don’t have time to write the newsletter. Maybe we should run a course on taking notes and then typing them up afterwards for the incoming committee. Maybe we should look up the definition of the word lazy in the dictionary. I’m not on the committee, hey I don’t even have vagina, but here I am on a Monday night, hard at work on the typewriter, I’ve had a couple of beers too, as all good hacks do.

Actually its been a rather frustrating week, I tried to join the new Hash dating website. All was going well until they asked the question, “What do you like best in a Harriet” and I replied “My penis”, the screen went blank and then in big letters it said “You are a sad little man, join Seletar Hash”. Hey ho, you live and learn.

Then of course there is the question of whether anyone actually reads the newsletter. I thought this week we could introduce a newsletter code word, just for fun. And this week’s code word is BOTTOM. All will become clear in the fullness of time. Anyway I’m just going to have another beer and then get down to the telling of a little tale about a man call Hooray who took us all to little India. Make sure you’re sitting comfortably.

The Run

Memories live long in the minds of hashers, and memories of Hooray’s last offering were all about getting a taxi home. Most of the people who got taxis home were Harriet’s who ran for miles in the wrong direction, directionally challenged!!!! Never!!! They just didn’t want to write the newsletter!! This year Hooray promised that it was well marked, you didn’t need a passport and that you would be home in an hour. And bless him he was good to his word. I love the smell of curry, and this run started with the curry houses of Little India a stone throw away. We went up the road, turned left, kept going left and got back home, obviously there were some right turns and some straight bits and an assortment other bits. A well-marked trail, the hare was always there to keep us in the right direction, and if anybody needed a taxi home they were probably drinking heavily. The front-runners were home in 55 minutes 74 seconds and the people who came in last must have stopped at the pub, and why not. All in all it was a fantastic experience for everyone who took part and the hare should probably be given an OBE.

The Circle:

The first thing I noticed was the GM, not only did she have those wonderful shoes on, but stretched across her bosom were the words “When I run I get hot”, when you run my darling we all get hot too!!

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Too much jungle, not enough taxis etc.

Tell us about your On On: ???? Muthu’s? [Ed wasn’t there, too busy running an international company, or having a drink, or something].

Next week’s run: Mothers Tongue at Labrador Park.

Visitors / Returnees: They said there was a list but I didn’t get it. {Ed: fortunately some members of the committee were hard at work and provided the following list:] Trash, Butt Wiper, Vibrator, Ayam Zinking, Belcher, Veggie Queen, King Lear, Secret Squirrel, Stiff, Who the f$%k is Christine and Phoney Dick. Returnee Shirley Temple.

Virgins: none.

Lipstick: Naughty boys were Kannot Kan, Butt Wiper, Camal Humper, Shirly Temple..

Tits: Ayam Zinking had a crap charge for Belcher, I think he kept the tits.

Dick: Me!!!! I’d left it in my back room which was much better than leaving it in my back passage!!!! Give him a drink anyway.

Hammerhead Charge: Belcher gave it to Shirley Temple for pissing in public.

Awards – Zilch

AOB:

· Kannot Kan had a charge for Shirley Temple because he was hanging around outside the communicable disease center. By the way is Shirly spelt Shirly or Shirley!!! None of the rest of us knew it was the communicable disease center, has Kannot Kan been there before?????????

· The rest is a bit of a blur.

· Stiffy, to Open to the floor for going the wrong way.

· Handbag, for having a pink shirt on and Elastoplast on his nipples.

· Hooray to Shirley Temple because SAAB have gone bust.

· Butt Wiper and Christine advertised the Red Dress Run.

· Kannot Kan wanted to advertise the fact that the Kampong Hash are not only getting smashed this month but they are raising money for some charity, I think it was the home where Kannot Kan lives.

· Belcher had a charge for Posh Nash who was last seen heading to Geylang, she hadn’t even had a shower. Stiffy said some blokes like it like that!!

· Zipp had a charge for Kannot Kan because he had been a naughty naughty boy.

· The GM had Phoney Dick for chatting up all the girls.

· Finally Sybil had a charge for something or other and it was wonderful.On on to Boxer’s Mexican

Scribed by Shaggy Dick Too.

The ‘Virgin Camel Humper’ Run.

Hares: Camel Humper, Shoe Shopper, Wet Patch.

Where: Blackmore Drive

On On: On site Mexican Boxer.

The Run

When you run the first 10 minutes without a check, and the Hares are telling you to hurry up, fair chance you are in for a long run. It was Not Tonight that led the field off, dashing down the new road like a greyhound. 2 minutes later, however, she found a lamp post and stopped – was she going to have a pee like a greyhound? Nope, she was hanging onto it for support after exhausting herself with that lightning dash of speed.

Across onto the ex Malay railway line, which now has more granite on it than Fred Flintstone’s quarry. Finally the 1^st Check. But this led to an even more draining bit of running.

Out to 6^th Avenue and eventually ending up at Greenleaf Park, but no one was in a fit state to make use of the fitness stations. Mountain goat territory as we climbed a steep grassy embankment. In fact a goat would have been right at home eating the flowers and plants of the garden we exited through back onto the road. I was having no part of a climb up and over Clementi Rd. Sure enough it was a T Check.

Down onto the ex railway line again and up onto Old Holland Rd. Some walkers and runners saw this as a suitable departure point to head for home. The hardy souls, and perhaps foolish souls, ploughed on out onto Ulu Pandan and eventually Clementi Rd. Through the jungle and drop down the embankment onto the old old railway line that still has tracks on it.

At this stage, it was well after 7, and Sneaky Comer, who had got a 2 for 1 special curry offer in Delhi recently (buy 1 curry and you see it twice) decided to head on down to the canal rather than risk the darkness of the jungle. Only thing was, he was the first person to come along the canal in several months and the trail was so overgrown he had to head to the water’s edge and fight off the cobras and monitor lizards.

Out at the canal on the other side, and it was Twin Towers leading the pack in, with a troop of males behind her with their tongues hanging out.

7.77 kilometres in 77minutes for front runners. Get your 4D numbers out of that combination. Well done Hares, always a great area. But where the f#*k was the 6pm train to KL??

The Circle:

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? The first run was voted good and so was the second run. Too many humps.

Tell us about your On On: Boxer’s Mexican on site.

Next week’s run: An atmosphere of fear descends over the Circle as Hooray strolls in and announces he is setting another run in Little India. Bring a survival kit – taxi money ($20min), torch, compass, emergency rations, toothbrush and toilet paper. [Ed: if your memory is weak or you weren’t here last year, see http://www.singaporeharriets.com/Newsletters/SingaporeHarrietsRun1947.pdf for your warning].

Visitors / Returnees: Yes, but I haven’t got the list. Welcome all of you.

Virgins: 3 gals and a guy if I remember correctly.

Lipstick: Vibrator, Stiff and Ollie.

Tits: I don’t recall this happening either. [Ed: Ayam Zinking has the tits].

Dick: The Dick makes a return, and is in the hands of the GM, but she says it is not her Dick and passes to me to give away. Ok. The other month Shaggy Dick Too was very proud to have come in 69th in the triathlon, as he had to very carefully pace himself to ensure that he had 68 competitors in front of him to achieve this. However it turns out that the winner was disqualified at a later date, thus meaning everyone moved up one place, and thus Shaggy came in 68th. Bad luck mate..

Awards – Zilch

AOB:

· The GM has noticed the Virgin Hare lounging back in a chair while the Circle is on. Up you get Camel Humper, setting a run does not entitle you to a chair.

· The GM also displayed a new award – a Hammerhead. To be awarded to hard heads?

· Hooray was most impressed with Belcher for bringing along a harem of female virgins.

· Mother’s Tongue was not sure if Hooray could count correctly- had he included Ollie in the harem of female virgins?

· Stiffy has Singaporn in and they engage in a bit of French conversation. It seems that Gerard Depardieux, that well known Frenchman, was on a flight and asked the stewardess if he could have a pee pee. However, instead of replying oui oui, the stewardess replied non Monsieur, you cannot go for a pee pee. Well, Monsieur Deardieux really had to pee pee, so he found a bottle and proceeded to empty the contents of his bladder into it. He then handed the full bottle to the stewardess to dispose of. I am not sure if she responded with a oui oui or a non. ‘She ought to be publicly pissed on….’

· Slowcum charges Haberdash for selling gear from every Hash possible except the Harriets. Trying to get a Harriets shirt for a visitor was impossible, but would you like one from Monday Hash, Lion City, Dog Hash, Bali Hash, Saigon, Phnom Penh???

· Haberdash responds. In comes Mother’s Tongue and charges the old Committee for leaving her with all this stock from other Hash’s to sell. Bring back the new Committee.

· Shaggy Dick Too thanks Camel Humper for a great run, and as a virgin hare, he is curious as to how many recees he did. But no, he’s not going to ask him, we don’t want to know, do we?

· Vibrator was at the back of the pack, after doing a check he claims, and not sure where everyone had gone when he saw a Hare way in the distance picking up paper. Thinking that Shoe Shopper was sweeping and picking up paper, and therefore on trail, he decided to follow her. However she was neither on trail nor sweeping – she had picked up some paper as she wanted to go for a pee pee.

· Shaggy Dick Too overheard Jack Off on the run – ‘I may not be able to run as fast as Tiger Lily, but I’ve got a better arse!’ I think we could have an arse off coming up.

· Sneaky Comer informs us that this explains why the front runners never call T checks – they are always too busy looking at the front running girl’s bums!

· Belcher complains that he had to pay for 2 Taxis to get himself, Veggie Queen and his Harem of Virgins to the run. The Virgins were then 10 minutes into the run when they saw some mud, decided they were not getting their shoes dirty and turned around back to the beer wagon where they sat and drank for the rest of the night!

· On the Virgin theme, when the GM called the Virgins in at the start of the Circle, I noticed one of the virgins giggling, pointing at herself to the others and, putting her hand over her mouth with more giggling and generally showing a sense of amusement at being called virgin. Is she really a virgin??

On on to Boxer’s Mexican

Scribed by Cock Radio.

This week’s Chinese Proverb

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.

He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about
9″ high and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful
Piece by Mozart!
“Where on earth did you get that?” says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and
says: “Here. Rub it.”
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke
and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

“I will grant you one wish… Just one wish… each person is only
allowed one!”
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, “I want
A million bucks!”
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar.  It is soon followed
by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, “Y’know, I think your
Genie’s’ a little deaf.  I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks.”
“No shit!!” says the man, “do you really think I asked for a 9 inch Pianist?

The ‘Wet Family’Run.

Hares: Wet Pet, Wet Brazilian, Wet Patch.

Where: Jalan Gaharu

On On: Mr Ho Curry.

The Circle:

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? There were several comments. Some say it was too wet, too many hares, great drink stop. ..actually they liked it…Good run!.

Tell us about your On On: On Site, Mr Ho.

Next week’s run: Camel Humper’s Run @ Bukit Timah Railway Station (now owned by Singapore).

Visitors / Returnees: Trash, Phoney Dick, Vibrator, Belcher, Veggie Queen, Stiff, Knobby Boy Scout, Nut Scratcher, 1pood.

Virgins: None.

Lipstick: Knobby Boy Scout, Hooray (as always) Ipood –of course (as Sybil dragged him into the circle).

Tits: On vacation. [Ed: Ayam Zinking has the tits].

Dick: On vacation. [Ed. Father Anus has the dick].

Awards – Zilch

AOB:

· Fat Crashing Bastard: Wet Patch for trying to put us in jail by giving us iffy instructions like : To go into the tunnel as it will get tighter and darker as you go along.

· Vibrator to the fast running ladies Posh Nash & Lethal Weapon …but only because they went the wrong way.

· GM Wet Brazilian to her co hares, not Wet Pet but Wet Patch for being unsatisfied with the way she & Wet Pet set the run. Apparently, she & Wet Pet laid paper on the wrong side !

· Fat Crashing Bastard to Twin Towers for cooking Portuguese Cock Curry, chocolate as dessert nothing afterwards.

· Lose Change: She lost her car. To all the people who not to pick up the icy cold bottle of water for shower.

· Hooray to Lose Change for having a blonde moment

· Jack Off to Veggie Queen for doing her marketing on the run. To Belcher for not giving her enough money for groceries.

· Sybil: (The circle immediately sat down) Big Head and Ipood for falling inside the tunnel.

· Fat Crashing Bastard: Boo look alike Big Head. Boo said it is so easy to set a run with Too Easy because she tells you where to go. But Too Easy is not really like that.

· Mother’s Tongue begins her charge with a fashion parade and then charge Ipood and Nut Scratcher for being gentlemen. They pulled her into the water!

· GM charge her co-hare Wet Patch for having wet patches …

· Shoe Shopper to Wet Pet : Shoe Shopper said she is sorry she can’t make it to the run but Wet Pet said, “Not to worry, there are many other ladies she can make wet.

On on to Mr Ho

Scribed by Deep Throat.

The ‘Far North’Run.

Hares: Suzee Wong, Loose Change and Virginia Slim.

Where: The Landing, Sembawang

On On; The Landing –a la carte.

The Run

The Hares are back and are looking rather wet. Loose Change mutters something about being up to her chest in slime, Suzee Wong has a rather untidy bottom, and Slim is full of slime.

Down the road we go, and despite the Hares instructions to turn right, Tiger Lily observes the left turn only arrow and goes left. Across to the canal we headed, but not yet. A T Check took us back to the lawn growing fields. ‘Keep off the grass.’ was the call, and almost all law abiding citizens did. However, Slowcum relived his American hippy days and took full advantage of the copious amount of grass that was on offer. Maybe it was his molded toe slipper runners that allowed him to float across the smooth surface.

Some shiggy and bush bashing, eventually emerging onto the connector path at the canal. On over was the call, and the Hares had thoughtfully placed a rope for us to climb the wall on the other side. Unfortunately, Hooray had got their first and placed it out of reach for Tiger Lily to grab.

A bit track running on the other side with the usual Checks before recrossing the Canal at the Fire Station. Through the Fields and scrub before making it to the drink stop further up the canal.

Good run Hares, thank you.

The Circle: Commences late as the GM and On Sec were having a meeting behind the beer wagon.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Too dry, not enough slime. Nice run was declared, and Suzee Wong finally forced herself away from the vodka container.

Tell us about your On On: Out to the Causeway, turn around and come back and it’s just across the road here at The Landing. Pre order food and free beer (most people short cutted).

Next week’s run: Wet Family Run (virgin wetness) with Wet & N Wild, Wet Brazilian, Wet Pet & Wet Patch. Jalan Gaharu, Top of Mayfair Park. Mr.Ho on site curry.

Visitors / Returnees: Wonder Off, Trash, Phony Dick, Holdem, Foldem, ipood, Knobby Boy Scout, Ayam Zinking.

Virgins: Plenty of virgins in Sembawang, Nessa and Allison.

GM business:

The GM tells us about her cups, not sure what size they are but she told us to hang onto them. Ok, whatever you say. Sneaky was straight in for holding Wet N Wilds cups.

GM informs us that Subs are overdue, so pay up you tight arses.

And a message from Posh Nash, there is a vacancy on the Hareline for September. (Posh Nash has not been seen since June, she now does the Hareline by correspondence).

2000 Run coming up – please get registration forms on line – coming soon assures Sneaky Comer (after holding W&W’s cups, not sure what he means is coming?). [Note from Webmaster: thanks for all the helpful suggestions that I should create an online registration function; particularly from those who haven’t bothered to get a logon to the web site yet to take advantage of all the other work already done. Download the forms, print them, fill them in, bring them to the run. Thanks.]

Lipstick: Overlooked by the GM.

Tits: I don’t recall this happening either. [Ed: Ayam Zinking has the tits. Note to Harriets; if you want to see the tits on a regular basis then don’t give them to visitors J].

Dick: Nor the Dick (did I miss something? Was it the effects of the Vodka?). [Ed: nope, Father Anus still has them. After many months of having it in his car, we finally got the Dick back only for someone to give it to him again a week later. Good choice (Father Anus is working his ass out if you hadn’t heard and is struggling to get to the hash, perhaps we will see it again in another six months].

Awards – Zilch

AOB:

· Sneaky Comer charges Ugly Bum for complaining about Committee Members missing in action lately – well, as she has voting rights, what are you complaining about when you vote teachers onto the Committee. We all know they are overpaid, underworked and have too many holidays.

· The GM then remembers that she overlooked the Lippy.Hooray, Vibrator, Stiff and yours truly. All worthy recipients no doubt.

· Suzee Wong charged Virginia Slim for giving her a short cut when setting the run which resulted in her trudging an extra 3 kms. And Loose Change cops a serve for complaining about the lack of alcohol in the drink. 2 litres of extra strength vodka is not enough for her.

· Loose Change complains that all Virginia Slim wants to do on a recee is stop for a beer.

And then when he made her cross the canal with water up to her chest, a passerby shouted ‘Ah Aunty, you sure you want to do that huh?’

· Hand Bag reckons Tiger Lily deserves the Tits as she was calling ‘Falsey, falsey’ on a Check.

· Stiffy is not scared of asking the hard question, but I’m not too sure what it is was (obviously enough vodka in the drink) -something to do with Belcher commenting ‘What does that matter?’ in reference to a comment about it being low tide when we went in.

· Ugly Bum is very very very impressed. Religion is coming to the Harriets. Last week we ran from behind a Church, this week from in front of a Church. Let’s try inside a Church next week, and why not a Mosque the following for Hari Raya. And looking ahead, we will book a stable for the Christmas Run and a Cave for Easter. Halleluiah, Praise the Lord. More of that spiritual water please.

· Fat Crashing Bastard, in reference to the Spiritual Water that causes Jack Off to see shooting stars, asks how do we know the stars are going in the right direction? Now that is perhaps the hard question Stiffy was after. Why is not Jack Off using the compass on her new I Phone? Because it does not work. So why did you buy the phone? Feng shui. Should help when you are lost.

· Kan Not Can has a ditty for Slim, and recalls that he clearly stated that he was never setting another run. But it only took 2 lovely young virgins to draw him out of retirement. An appropriate song for Slim was then sung by KNC.

· Stiff is not happy for receiving Lippy because he was helping Ugly Bum at the time. So where was Ad Nauseum to help out his darling wife in her time of need? He really is the meanest.

· Suzee Wong has F Me Shoes for the GM.

· Kamala is in, and proceeds to make herself even sexier than she normally is. She then calls in 2 studs, and ends up with Vibrator, Hand Bag and Kan Not Can. Could be a slight counting problem here. So who was the male to carry her to safety? Vibrator it was who offered Kamala a piggy back. Our Hero.

· The GM is wondering if it was because of Vibrator’s piggy back offer to Kamala that he literally fell – from exhaustion?- at her feet later on.

· Hand Bag charged the GM for saying that she is hot when she runs.

· The GM charged Gypsy and Slowcum for spending ½ an hour trying to get the compass on Jack Off’s i phone to work so she can check if the shooting stars are going in the correct direction. Sneaky Comer made a comment on what make of phone it probably was.

· Zipp finishes off with a remarkable observation – we had a great vodka/cranberry drink stop but Jack Off has not said a word at the Circle. Probably too busy worrying if the shooting stars are going in the right direction.

On on to the Landing a la carte

Scribed by Cock Radio.

This week’s Chinese Proverb

Passionate kiss like spider’s web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

The ‘Three Wise Monkey’s’Run.

Hares: Shaggy Dick Too, Cock Radio & Sneaky Comer.

Where: Dempsey, car park behind the church

On On; Boxer’s Cottage (Condo??) Pie.

The Run

Up the steps for an immediate Circle Check. Into a bit of new jungle/grass area, Wet Patch was not content with following the trail that had been trampled by those in front and did his own trail blazing. Watch out for the 3 metre python. Circle Check over Holland Rd had the Pack scratching their heads, although one male was seen scratching a different part of his anatomy. Back through the big car park we use to run from, and Camel Humper bolted off when he saw the walkers way up in front. I ask the question –‘Do walkers who are short cutting qualify as having a woman in front?’

Into more grassland heading towards Queensway, and a nasty T check down the steps.

Eventually out onto Queensway before cutting back in past the flora centre. Wet Patch decided to consult his Chinese Proverbs to provide him with guidance at the next Circle Check. After checking almost all the way to the Remand Centre only to have to come all the way back, he was heard muttering something about where Confucius can shove his Chinese Proverbs. Personally, I think it is anatomically impossible.

Into the estate, along a canal and give the Indian road workers a thank you for stopping work while we passed and not clobbering us with their tractor. Through the hole in the fence to the back of the old driving range. Along Sneaky Comer’s cobra drain and out onto Dempsey Field.

Short cutters then headed across the field and up the hill to home. The ridgy didge runners went out the side of the field to the Pipeline before returning to the car park from the Tanglin Rd side.

A bloody good run Hares, well done and thank you for all your efforts and work you put into this fantastic run, and filling in for Tiger Lily, and helping the Harriet’s out. How we wish there were more of your type in the Club, we don’t know what we would do without you. Good stuff.

The Circle:

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Possible run of the year said a number of runners. Well, at least 3 anyway. But the rest did say it was a good run. True.

Tell us about your On On: Boxer’s Cottage Pie, alternative Fish Pond Pie, salad, garlic bread and a Brownie thrown in, all for $10. (Not sure how they made the Cottage Pie as they are no longer in Springleaf – how does a condo classify as a cottage?)

Next week’s run: Pakistan Rd., up Sembawang way amongst black and whites. Tell the boss now you have to leave work early next Wednesday. Like about lunch time. Check your fuel gauge.

Visitors / Returnees: Wonder Off, Trash, Phony Dick, Holdem, Foldem, ipood, Knobby Boy Scout, Ayam Zinking.

Virgins: No virgins exist around Dempsey.

Lipstick: Holdem, who does his best to take over the Circle in declaring his innocence on the grounds it was his first Harriet’s run and was not made aware of the female in front stipulation. His defence soon fell apart with some incriminating evidence submitted by the GM. Camel Humper also pleaded innocent, stating that the short cutting walkers were in front of him. Technicality overruled, guilty.

The GM is then charged for being lazy – she left the lippy in the car and couldn’t be bothered getting it.

Tits: ipood, seemingly a little uncertain of his sexuality because instead of wearing the Tit’s, he goes and gets them out of his bag where he has hidden them, then declares he needs some thinking time. Ayam Thinking huh! Oh well, he is American.

Dick: A Dickless run again. Father Anus is missing.

Awards – Zilch

AOB:

· Not Tonight has had her modesty outraged by 2 males tonight. Knobby Boy Scout stripped naked and stood beside the change tent for 10 minutes. She copped a rear view (how did she know it was 10 minutes if she was so outraged?) while a group of Harriet’s sitting on the gutter copped a side on view and possibly a stiff neck. We hope Knobby did not suffer any stiffness.

The second male causing outrage of modesty was Handbag, who was heard emitting loud groaning/moaning sounds while alone on the back seat of his car. (‘More fibre needed’ was the advice from Maggot.)

· Shaggy Dick Too called in his co – hares, which of course is against all principles of setting a run. This charge turned out to be an attempt at assassination of my character. Normally I will only print the truth in these reports, but I will write here what SD2 said, just to show you how unbelievable it is.

1. That I slept in on National Day and missed the recee.

2. That I left my bag of flour, paper and chalk in our work car park.

3. That I had no money to pay for the taxi.

4. That I forgot my hand phone and was unable to call Shoe Shopper to get my bag.

5. That I marked a Circle Check instead of a T Check.

6. That I then got lost after setting the Check.

7. That I saw some mates from Oz playing cricket on Dempsey Field and stopped to see them instead of setting the final loop of the run.

8. That I preferred a lift with Maggot to staying for our on on.

Incredible accusations that deserve no further comment. On on!

· Boo has spotted Father Anus sneaking in around the back in his business clothes. Ah, the missing National Day Hare. Where’s the Dick?

· Not Tonight charges Phony Dick for getting Hashers to spy on his daughter. Just who is giving her an examination and when?

· Wet Patch is into Feng Shui, Chinese Proverbs, Fortune Cookies, Chop Suey, Chop Sticks etc. but he feels he was been let down by taking the advice of an ancient proverb that resulted in him being stranded up Shit Creek in a barbed wire canoe without a paddle. Just remember, man who run in front of car get tired.

· Jack Off had her after run top selected by Slow Cum. Which explains why it was so skimpy – he was feeling a bit horny and wanted her to turn him on.

· Maggot has a ‘race ism’ charge on Cock Radio, who was heard to declare that the Walkers don’t count as Hashers. (I was referring to Camel Humper who raced off in front of the lead lady when he saw the walkers up ahead!)

· Ipood has finally finished his thinking and charges Ayam Zinking (a result of his ‘Ayam Thinking’) with child cruelty. A toddler had lost his shoe on the path, but before his parents could turn around to retrieve it, Ayam Zinking heaved his right foot into it and gave it a mighty kick that David Beckham would have been proud of and sent it flying 30 metres into the long grass. He really is the meanest….Now take the Tits and don’t kick them around at home.

· Not Tonite asks Father Anus, a law abiding Singaporean, where he goes to get a new TV. Courts he replies. Then she asks a rabble rousing English anarchist hooligan, Fat Crashing Bastard, where he goes to get a new TV. Any shop with a broken window he says, but the final result is he ends up in court too.

· Maggot was at the Oz High Commission, when his son noticed a drivers licence stuck behind the glass window. Maggot explained that some careless, forgetful and irresponsible person had mistakenly left it behind. His son then said that he shouldn’t talk about his teacher like that. Yep, Shoe Shopper had left her licence behind the other week.

On on to Boxer’s Condo Pie

Scribed by Cock Radio.

This week’s Chinese Proverb

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.