Singapore Hash House Harriets

Hares: Quickie, Boo, and Father Anus

Where: Dam at end of Yishun Avenue 1

On On: On Site

The Run

By the time the GM called the assembled rabble together the hares were still not back, some were a little worried for the safety of Quickie who was possibly lost in the jungle with Boo and Father Anus!! Someone had heard that the trail went back down the road and over to the left, “but we never go in that direction”, maybe that’s why the hares were lost!!! Shoe Shopper led the pack off on the annual National day romp, opening her legs and truly showing her class. Into the bush and into the first of many wonderfully challenging circle checks. The run had an environmental theme and the hares had chosen to use half a roll of toilet paper for the whole run, so finding the trail was a little tricky. Several hours later the cry of ON ON was heard and the pack were back on their way. This set the tone for the rest of the run. Run, run, circle check, check, check, check, check, etc. ON ON, run, run, circle check, check, check, check, check, etc., ON ON. The ON HOME was a good honest dash home, which saw Tiger Lily opened her legs even wider than Shoe Shopper did earlier showing she had class in abundance. This was particularly impressive as she had already had a 400km bike ride to get to the run site. All the runners were back by 10 pm just in time for home made pizza. Thanks hares, a great run, great t-shirts, great pizza, there was even a virgin!! ON ON and HAPPY NATIONAL DAY.

Reported by Shaggy Dick Too.

The Circle:

Crikey, what did we think of that for a run? Wet Bra Zillion called in the hares Boo, Quickie & Fr. Anus, the last of which looked strikingly similar to Sybil. The loud consensus was that the run was too short and, despite the heavy afternoon rain, there was far too much paper. After being reminded of the nice t-shirt and the $5 on-on, everyone suddenly remembered that the run was perfect. Actually, as testament to the hares, the vast majority of hashers did the entire run following only tiny soggy remnants of toilet paper. Good run!

Tell us about your on on: On site $5.

Next week’s run: Next week’s hares were called in and Shaggy Dick fronted up yet again to say that he would set the trail with, probably Cock Radio and possibly Sneaky Comer (if Sneaky Comer sees this and contacts Shaggy in enough time). Shaggy also offered his deep and undying gratitude to this week’s hares for setting the bar so low as to allow next week’s hares to shine in comparison. Shame on Shaggy Cock. BTW, the run will be in the Dempsey Road area, from the large carpark behind St. George’s church.

Virgins: The only virgin of the night was Caroline but if she keeps drinking down downs like that, she won’t be a virgin for long. The look of surprise on her face, when she was told she was a little flat chested, was matched by the look of surprise on everyone else’s face when Caroline said she would come again. That girl is nuts!

Visitors / Returnees: The visitors were far too numerous to remember everyone (and I forgot to get the list) but I know Wee Willie and Foreplay were there as were Belcher, Veggie Queen, Stiff, Stiffler and…..

Lipstick: The front running women seem to include two transvestites this week as Wet Patch and Stiff were hauled into the circle for transparent lipstick.

Tits: were with Shoe Shopper, where are they now???

Dick: was with Sybil, where is it now???

Awards – None, tonight!

AOB:

· Shoe Shopper called in Slocum and Stiffy and rapped them on the knuckles for practicing discrimination. The two gentlemen in question had complained on the run that with Shoe Shopper and Tiger Lily leading the pack, we had the blind leading the blind. Shoe Shopper pointed out that we already had other handicaps on the hash – the deaf (Slocum), dumb (Comes Quietly) and Stupid ( Stiffy) so what’s wrong with so blind blondes?

· Handbag made his made his case for being included in the hearing impaired category by calling in Shoe Shopper and Tiger Lily for being to blind to follow the trail. See what I mean?

· Sybil then entered the circle and I swear, as best as I could understand, she said “ted westula fresac balou yedrfe jgroiy yedsaw nouli con vichma yedpo reflax malu pokli juru yesde arevre urdem scalai machem pichu varnakum”. I am not sure I believe the translation but was later told that Boo asked her to give someone a charge because the pizza for the on on had not arrived yet and he needed to drag out the circle. He certainly called on the expert. Anyway, the further translation was that Sybil encountered both Stifler and Mr. Ugly Bum on the run several times. Young Stiffler, contrary to the stereotype of today’s youth, helped her over streams, up and down hills and through various patches of shiggy. Meanwhile, Mr. Ugly Bum, contrary to the stereotype of elderly gentlemanliness, responded to each plea for assistance with a cool “bugger off Grandma”! He’s the meanest….

· Fat Crashing Bastard hopped into the circle to mention that he saw on the run a bunch of kangaroos stoned on opium. So many Harriets were trippy skippys tonight that he had to call in a representative. I just can’t remember who it was.

· Obviously my notes and memory started getting really bad at this point. As best as I can recall, Not Tonight wanted to take a sex poll to see who had the sexiest job. The underwear designer won the prize although Fat Crashing Bastard’s chocolate taster’s job came in a close second. That may have been because “sustainability” is the new sexy and, at least when talking in the circle, he lasts as long as Sybil.

· Belcher correctly pointed out that the evening’s dress code called for wearing any previous National Day shirt. It appeared that only one Harriet didn’t get the memo. Wet Bra Zillion was called in for sticking out like a sore thumb.

· Slocum called in Stiffener for being overly blonde. She had been wondering if Slocum’s shirt had lights on it like fellow Velcro, Jack Off’s did. Slocum had to point out that the lighted object was actually Jack Off’s glass which she was holding in front of her shirt. Who knew that blondes had so much trouble with depth perception?

· Ugly Bum called in Dances With Kerbs for bitching & moaning on the run about the fact that no one writes run reports any longer. UB asked DWK if she recalled the run report that Deep Throat wrote just a week or two ago and Dances replied that she hadn’t looked in the newsletter for months. So how does she expect see any run reports????

· Stiffy, or Boo, or Quickie, or someone that looked like one of them called in Ayam Sinking, or someone that looks like him, and gave him a down down for false masculinity. It seems as though Quickie had asked people if they would wear a purple shirt (she and Boo are running out of rainbow colors for shirts). The reply from Ayam Sinking, or someone that looks like him, was “hell no! I am not gay”. Then he shows up in the circle wearing a shirt with pink flowers all over it. Stiffy was also appreciative that the hares had made a shirt this year for the front-running women. Apparently, it is written in Braille.

· Shooting star.

· Clit called in Loose Change and gave her a down down. I didn’t get the direct connection but Clit had kept Slack Arse out of jail in China when Slack Arse tried to alter his passport to gain entry into the country.

· Wet Bra Zillion called in Virginia Slim, Forced Entry, Big Head and Jack Off for having a private party that excluded her (and the rest of us). Slocum thought they may have been celebrating Jack Off’s recent birthday.

· Shoe Shopper gave Slim a second beer to celebrate his recent growth spurt. He looked to be about 5 ½ months.

· Mother’s Tongue came into the circle, and I understand with the help of a translation by Sybil, that she gave Boo a drink for purposely being mean on the run. He set the trail down a muddy hill straight into a deep muddy stream when only five meters away was a gentle slope down the road that bypassed any shaggy. Hand Bag, Tiger Lily and Who the Fuck is Christine were among the few that did the silly version of the run.

· Wet Bra Zillion gave Stiffy a down down (hoping for the pizza to arrive soon because we are digging deep now) for not helping Loose Change up a hill. He said he was willing to help but Loose Change wanted a hand up and Stiffy only wanted to push her bum from behind.

· Hand Bag, as GM on Lion City, was asked to advertise the Red Dress Run. This year, the date for the run – 10 September – was chosen because it is exactly two months before Zipp’s birthday.

· Wet Bra Zillion was giving a drink to Stiffy who did not know the way to the run site. According to Not Tonight, he made the same errors in directions the past few times. Fortunately the pizza guys arrived and we all gave up listening.

On on on!

Scribed by Gypsy.

Hares: Kan the Kobra & Virginia Slim

Where: Sengkang Riverside Park

On On: Koufu Coffee Shop

The Run

Ed: So who really hared this run? Virginia Slim seems to have been heavily involved, and the facebook photos suggest this was a genuine slim run. Who else? Kan the Kobra or Kannot Kan? Neither seemed particularly dirty from the photos so someone who was there will have to cough up some info….

The Circle: Glad to have our GM Wet Brazilian back but she has become funny. She called for the circle, have the scribe sat under the light but decided to move the circle.

Crikey, what did we think of that for a run? The hare announce that they wish to have a lucky draw – prize is Kan not Kan so the crowd decided not to go for it.

Tell us about your on on: Koufu Restaurant.

Next week’s run: National Day Run. Hares: Mad Chinaman, Quickie & Father Anus, and on on will be on site.

Virgins: Beverly.

Visitors / Returnees: Vibrator, Belcher and I-pooped.

Lipstick: for the Naughty boys: Vibrator, he claimed he was first! Ad Nauseum, Hooray & Boo.

Tits: were with Shoe Shopper, where are they now???

Dick: was with Sybil, where is it now???

Awards – None, tonight!

AOB:

· Ugly Bum to Deep Throat for mixing the balls and boars in the last newsletter.

· GM to Stiffy: For bringing his blur sotong aka the kite into the circle.

· GM to Croc Hunter and I-pooped for disrespecting the GM (he serve I-pooped first!)

· Deep Throat to GM for not wanting to stand on the grass with her Fxxk me shoes.

· Deep Throat to Mother’s Tongue & Croc Hunter. Mother’s Tongue for asking her to try on some of her new stock and when she fell over, Croc Hunter couldn’t stop laughing!

· Ugly Bum to Vibrator for announcing that he got a rash.

· GM to Jack Off: On seeing the GM, her best greeting was : Shoot! You are back!

· GM to Ad Nauseum for telling the GM that she has put on some weight!

Well, there were a lot more charges but some of the notes went missing! Sorry!

Can the scribes please take back this job…I can’t cope lah!

On on on!

Scribed by Deep Throat.

Hares: Ugly Bum & Ad Nauseum

Where: Turf City

On On: Red Lantern

The Run

The boys are away so there are no run reports. When Cock Radio, Shaggy Dick Too and Sneaky Comer get back, no doubt they will have some fun with this.

The Circle: Circle was called together by Forced Entry, our GM tonight.

Crikey, what did we think of that for a run? Not bad for a run seeing that it is set by 2 old fogies (shouted Boo) …Yes it was a good run as agreed by all.

Tell us about your on on: Red Lantern.

Next week’s run: Sengkang Riverside Park.

Visitors / Returnees: Ayam Zinking, Bagless2, Krit, Goody Bag, Jurassic Dick.

Slime interrupted guest’s down down shouting that no shirt is allowed in the circle tonight…Goody Bag our guest says “Sorry, Not Tonight” but Not Tonight then attempt to take her shirt off….and the crowd shouted……..!!!!

New Member: Posh Duck (ed: not Porch Duck, what were you drinking Deep Throat???). The crowd didn’t approve, but the Treasurer, who is also the GM tonight had already collected his money so we are stuck with him ….Welcome Posh Duck and give him a note!

Virgins: none.

Lipstick: for the Naughty boys: Krit (he defended himself by saying he had been sucked.!???).

Tits: absent with Shoe Shopper.

Dick: absent with Sybil.

Awards – None, tonight!

AOB:

· Fat Crashing Bastard: Cheap Talk is dangerous. Lethal Weapon was chatting on the run and had a disastrous accident and hit her head but she did not remember……????

· Handbag to Boo who recognized the wrong arse! He thought it was Goody Bag’s but it was Handbag’s! (You need new glasses boo!)

· Slocum to Ugly Bum for giving too much intimate details about her sex life. Apparently Ad Nauseum was not hard enough!

· Jack Off calls in the Lady Hare, Ugly Bum. Apparently she was using the wrong kind of cream as it was not Ad Nauseum’s fault that he was not hard enough.

· Boo to Ad Nauseum for having verbal diarrhea last Wednesday! Ad Nauseum was shouting obscenity as he ran through the business district.

· GM Forced Entry to Twin Towers for keeping falling over throughout the run.

· Not Tonight: She had not been feeling herself???? Oops, I forgot who she charged. But it was someone who refused to do the rope crossing! (sorry lah!).

· Fat Crashing Bastard wants to know who apart from Slocum, Stiffy, Boo and Ad Nauseum are the 16 others that applied for the recently set up club known as: Obedient wives Clubs” in Singapore.

· Wet Pet to Blood Shit for being saying he rather be with a woman with rubber legs than a dizzy blond.

· Ugly Bum to Wet Pet, Twin Towers, Lethal Weapon. She thought Ad Nauseum and herself had set a very nice run but at the sight of the warning of “Beware of Wild Boars”, all these ladies were interested in was to ask her to give their phone numbers to any wild boars she comes across on the run.

· Goody Bag hadn’t being to the hash for a while and she is shocked to spot a new tight arse besides hers…Down Down to Double Back.

· Deep Throat: I think Good Bag is missing showing her arse off…. The crowd became silent except for Boo “No Lah, he shouted” and at that Goody Bag came back in the circle and ……..(If you were there…you know what happened then…) [Ed’s husband: pictures please].

· Kan Not Kan to Handbag, Vibrator and Krit for their sartorial elegance. Handbag and Krit are considered too well dressed in their Miri Ball Breaker T-Shirts…they came in under 9 hours …… Vibrator was missing at this point…he came in under hours!

· Hooray did a charge but I cant read my own writing…too much wine! ..sorry!

· Slocum to Jackoff for asking if Sartorial Elegance is 3 words.

· Loose Change to Stiffy for not letting Vibrator Crap???

And with that, it’s On on to the Red Lantern.

Scribed by Deep Throat.

The “We are Locals but still do Tourist, even if all the tourists are on school vacation” Run

Hares: Dances with Kerbs & Sybil

Where: Pearl Bank Car Park

On On: On Site Packet Biryani

The Run

No idea. Chinatown???

The Circle: The stand in GM gave thanks to the universe for the Full moon. Ed: so what, there were no lights in the car park???

Crikey, what did we think of that for a run? It was declared that it was a good run by all. Thanks the Hares, Dances with Kerbs and Sybil.

Tell us about your on on: was apparently packet Biryani. Assume it was good?

Next week’s run: Ugly Bum @ Turf City but she has to borrow a GPS to help her set the run.

Visitors / Returnees: Headshot, Juliet, Patrick, Jason, Totally Unacceptable, Dickson and Mr. Wiggly.

Virgins: 3 Virgins; Sivi, Jackson and June.

Lipstick: for some naughty boys: Headshot, Jackson, Sivi and Patrick.

Tits: Ad Nauseum gave away his TITS to Shoe shopper who told him she does not like to drive in Chinatown and also that it is full of Chinese. Not to forget that she ran across the road.

Dick: The Dick was M.I.A on this evening. Ed: Sybil has it, and she set the run? What, aren’t you finished with it yet???

Awards – None, tonight!

AOB:

· Ugly Bum – Jackson made a call home to his wife and she overheard him saying, “ Everything is alright, nothing is happening. In fact, it’s a little boring here!”

· Hand Bag then defended Jackson, as it is the only thing to say to your wife so she won’t come along.

· Stiffy: To the Hares, Dances with Kerbs and Sybil. Which one of them set the run? Who spelt the word Check as CHEK?

· Visitor Mr. Wiggly started with a charge but we gave him a note and a down down instead! He was happy to be able to run with us, he said! And he brought June.

· Kan not Kan: To Shoe shopper for not breaking the check when she found in. Ad Nauseum decided it was a dead end when it was not. Stiffy: For declaring it was not a dead end. Open To The Floor went on the trail, even try to break the check but she was blind sighted to the obvious and missed it.

· Sybil to Big Head, Ad Nauseum and Father Anus. Sybil was looking for help to set the run and was getting frustrated so asked her good friends but they were useless. Father Anus he said ok since he has a free day but showed up only after the run at 7.30pm

· Shoe Shopper needed a translator, as she is not speaking to one of the hares, Dances with Kerbs. Something about making her run up too many stairs? Sorry, it all got lost in the translation. I had a long 2 days shopping with Kan the Kobra and we just made it in time for the circle!

And with that, it’s On on to Biryani.

Scribed by Deep Throat.

American Day Run

Hares: Big Head & Virginia Slim

Where: Bukit Batok Worker’s Canteen, Bukit Batok Road

On On: On Site Mr Ho American Food

The Run

Hmm, the American Day run. Well I am usually away this time of year so I was quite looking forward to experiencing the best that America can offer. Last Friday’s Independence Day run was quite good after a dodgy start, and if 20 Americans on Friday can do a pretty good job of a run, surely 2 can do an even better job? So off I headed, map, 3 pages of directions to the run site, GPS and portable translator (for the taxi driver) in hand. Virginia Slim had left almost nothing to chance, with two Google map pointers, one Streetdirectory.com pointer, and of course the web site Bing Map; one of which could surely get me to the run site. Taxi drivers, however, are never convinced about heading down one of the two remaining dirt roads in Singapore so it took a bit of convincing and a small tip to get him to head past the stern visage of the security guard and over to the aptly named “Bukit Batok Worker’s Canteen”. No hares to be found but Hooray was there, one who makes a practice of being first – to arrive, to leave, to find the first trail mark, etc.

Eventually one hare arrived, the other “still out setting trail”. Oh oh, I thought, better bring a torch. Big Head hobbled into the circle having done something to her feet, reminded us there would be a bloody good drink stop so don’t short cut (Boo), and set us off on our way. Now, ladies, this is a Virgina Slim run. So don’t wear white shoes, and something like a wet suit might be appropriate to protect your sensitive bits. Despite these being “common knowledge”, the first bit of sludge (shiggy is too nice a term for what we trudged through) brought squeals from Kan the Kobra and a question from up front “who is that having an orgasm?” That was the last we saw of Kan the Kobra, Sybil, and a few others who clearly thought if that was the beginning, they didn’t want to see the end and found their own way around Bukit Batok.

For those of us following trail, it is almost impossible to describe the path we took. A GPS track would show a winding track that “loosely” went clockwise and regularly converged on the top of Bukit Batok hill. In other words we went up and down the bastard about 7 times. Those who have been to Bukit Batok hill before know that it is the centre of Singapore’s Rattan Vine growing industry, but it isn’t well maintained so those little bloody creeping prickly vines lay all over the forest floor waiting to wrap themselves around unsuspecting ankles and cut them to ribbons. The hares know this, of course, so ensured the trail first went through a rattan minefield and shortly thereafter through the local pig sewer so that newly grazed and scraped weeping sores could be thoroughly marinated in whatever is in that mud. Rinse and repeat 7 times.

I don’t want to sound like I am whinging though because it was a bloody good trail. Very little chance to short-cut, everyone kept guessing, and those little finishing flourishes like the climb up and down the gravel heap and the last hill that required climbing equipment were especially nice touches. Although, I was running with Forced Entry at the time and the way she was huffing and puffing about the bloody trail at that point suggested Virginia Slim had little chance of any form of entry later that evening. Finally we emerged from the forest down a hill to find Big Head waiting with a very nice concoction of vodka and fruit juice, marinated fruit, and, it is alleged, some gin (procured from where I couldn’t say). On in, slow old bastards like me took 7:20 but I think the front runners were in just over an hour.

The Circle: The circle was slightly delayed while everyone had a VERY good wash. On site “showers” were welcome to many.

Crikey, what did we think of that for a run? Big Head then called the circle to order, called herself in along with Virginia Slim, and asked what we thought? “Very well laid” came to mind for some, but no dissenters: “good run”!

Tell us about your on on: on site Mr Ho Tex Mex, $12, with beer kindly provided by the Virginia Slim in honour of an impending divorce – who’s, I am not sure, but Forced Entry was still grumbling about the end of the run. For me, I assume beer is an internal antiseptic, and took plenty to ward off infection.

Next week’s run: Dances with Kerbs and Sybil will conduct a run in Chinatown, at the Pearl Bank carpark near Outram Park. See web site. On on will be on site, packet Briyani.

Visitors / Returnees: Knobby Boy Scout, Vibrator, Totally Unacceptable, Shirley Temple, Stephen, Nut Scratcher, Belcher, and Posh Duck. Welcome, hope you all still have your limbs intact.

Virgins: Nope, they have all heard of Virginia Slim and Big Head.

Lipstick: No lipstick, might get mistaken for one of those girls sneaking out the back of the worker’s dormitories.

Tits: are away this week (Ad Nauseum has them, in case you were asking).

Dick: Father Anus, after 6 months of shining and polishing the dick, has returned it. Please don’t say “keep the dick”, we need it back! Following on from last week, where it was revealed that Sybil does not have an email account and has only just discovered the telephone, Father Anus was very grateful that after calling for help on email, it was only Sybil who responded to help out, bringing Dances with Kerbs along with her. For those who didn’t read the newsletter, Father Anus has been “working his ass out” (circle calls “put the ring in” – private joke from the wedding the evening before) and hadn’t had time to recce a run. Father Anus is so grateful he honours Sybil by giving her the dick.

Awards – None, tonight!

AOB:

· Sneaky Comer enters the circle carrying a little baggy. The hares are very thoughtful, they mark the trail well and leave little baggies of flour and paper at T-checks and circles so that those who find the checks (generally FRB’s) can break them for those who arrive later (generally SOB’s ^{(Slow Old Bastards)}). However, near the end of the run Sneaky Comer chanced upon a T-check that had not been broken. Sitting nicely on the T was a full baggy of flour and paper, just ready for a well meaning FRB to pick up and break the check with. Sneaky Comer had conducted an interrogation of likely suspects (FRB’s) and all had pointed the finger of blame at Tiger Lily, who gets a drink for being so mean spirited to us poor SOB’s.

· Virginia Slim enters the circle looking resplendent in a suit coat, remarking “now I know why I haven’t gotten married”. He wants to know if the owner wants it back. The owner sheepishly enters the circle, being none other than the groom from the night before’s wedding festivities, Wet Patch. Wet Patch was, for some reason, in such a hurry to leave last night that he left half his kit behind (well, he didn’t need it later, did he?) His lovely sons decided to play a little joke and give it to Virginia Slim for “safe-keeping”, leaving their father to place phone calls all over town the next day looking for his jacket, which did after all contain a few valuables. Anyway, give the forgetful and worried one a note (and read on to find out that such forgetfulness seems to run in the new family). Note also that Virginia Slim has retained the “little black book” he found in a jacket pocket.

· Loose Change reminds the circle that the celebrant last night got a little flustered and asked Wet Patch to “put the ring in”. Ah, the speak good English campaign is really having an impact, isn’t it J.

· Sneaky Comer reminded the circle of the rattan infested running trail. After his shower, Sneaky Comer is always careful to liberally spray mossie repellent about. Unfortunately, Off is NOT a soothing balm when applied to freshly cut and bleeding ankles, as he was freshly reminded this evening. On in Virginia Slim, who always seems to find a nice combination of rattan, shit swamp, and mosquitos so this experience is repeated. Virginia Slim gets a spray of Off down the trousers to share the experience.

· Kannot Kan noticed that Shaggy Dick Too was running in non hash attire. Doesn’t he know that SCB (in the hash sense) does not stand for Standard Chartered Bank.

· In and Out has just become aware there was a wedding last night, so he asks Shoe Shopper to stand on a chair, invites in Wet Patch, a leads the circle in a charming rendition of “side by side”:

We got married on, Sunday,
The party didn’t finish till, Monday,
And when the guests had gone home,
We were all alone, Side by side.

Well we got ready for bed then,
And I very nearly dropped dead when,
Her teeth and her hair, she placed on the chair,
Side by side.

Well the shock did very near kill me,
When a glass eye did fall,
Then her leg and then her arm,
She placed against the chair (wall?),

Well this left me broken hearted,
For most of my wife had departed,
So I slept on the chair,
There was more of her there,
Side by Side.

· Kannot Kan recalls another high profile hash wedding, when a Tease became Meek. Had to be there, Kannot Kan has a drink.

· Tiger Lily noted that Sybil was “on the prowl” tonight, chatting up a couple of foreign workers at the canteen. Giver her a note.

· This reminds Sybil that she is very very confused. She didn’t realize there was a wedding on and reminds everyone that they must tell her about such events so she can flirt with the single guys. On in all the single boys; Shaggy Dick Too, Vibrator, Father Anus, In and Out, Totally Unacceptable for a drink. At least this week Vibrator has remembered he is not married. They get a drink to calls of “no sex in the circle”.

· Shoe Shopper Parker, as she is now known, calls in Shaggy Dick Too for rudeness. Talking to Tiger Lily before the run, who was wearing a sports bra, he was heard to say “Oh, I see you are wearing a push out bra”. Give the MCP a note.

· Nut Scratcher hasn’t had too much experience with marriages, having only had two Dads and three Mums. However, he is sure that wedding dress is important. So he wants to know how to answer the hotel, who called to ask if Shoe Shopper wanted her wedding dress back, which they had found in her room.

· Not Tonight is sick of loquacious male members, on in Stiffy and In and Out who haven’t shut up all circle. It would be all right if the subject was interesting, but the main topic of conversation has been how to keep barnacles off the prop. Magic marker, apparently, give them both a drink.

· Virginia Slim has an announcement – thai girls are available around the back, they brought their own mattress, not included in run fee (pay your own). Loose Change pipes in and remarks “that’s why the taxi driver didn’t want to bring us here”.

And with that, it’s On on to Mr Ho’s Tex Mex.

Scribed by Sneaky Comer.

The Walking Telepathy Run

Hares: Father Anus, Sybil, and Dances with Kerbs

Where: Car Park A, Dairy Farm Road

On On: On Site Japanese (Wasabi) Pizza

The Run

Father Anus has been long missing in action, so it was a relief to see him at the run site, beer in hand. A bit more concerning was that we were in a National Parks car park, and obviously heading into the reserve. Never fear, Father Anus had spoken to the ranger, he said. So where did the run go? Good question. Over to car park B after confounding the front runners with a T-check that had them going round in circles, a circle check that had them going backwards, and some lost trail that had no doubt been picked up by the ranger. We ran on Walker’s Track, up hill and down dale, and back home through Echo valley in about 40 minutes, which had the front runners scratching their heads and looking for additional trail.

The Circle: Big Head called the circle to order at 7:45, surely one of the earliest in a while. However, the hare was on the phone calling for pizza, so on to something else for a while….

Next week’s run: One of the hares is already in the circle, the other one joins her and they do the traditional week before consultation before deciding on Bukit Batok Worker’s Canteen. A great run is promised, a drink stop, and Mr Ho American food for after. What else could we ask for?

The hare is ready now, so

Crikey, what did we think of that for a run? “Too long, 1/10 of the run we did two weeks ago”, etc. Good run declared for Father Anus and his helpers, Sybil and Dances with Kerbs.

Tell us about your On On: On site, Japanese Pizza provided by the hare, please stay.

Visitors / Returnees: Welcome Belcher (“join or piss off” was called), Vibrator, welcome back Posh Duck. I think there were a few others but forgot to get the list.

Virgins: Wet Pet brought a virgin but she disappeared after the run.

Lipstick: Vibrator and Wet Patch (“got lost”) are forming a bit of a habit. They were joined by Handbag.

Tits: Ah, that explains Posh Duck appearing twice in a row, he has to get rid of the tits. He has some candidates:

· Father Anus, for setting the run without a recce.

· Ad Nauseum, who apparently didn’t like the run and doesn’t like the on on (“Pizza gives him the shits”).

· Wet Pet who gave Posh Duck some form of cultural education while going down the stairs with her hands at her sides like an Irish Setter. Sorry I am not sure either.

The circle decides on Ad Nauseum. Why? “Because we can”, says Big Head.

Dick: A Dickless run again. Father Anus has grown attached but promises to bring it back next week.

Awards – None, tonight!

AOB:

· Handbag was standing at a 45 degree angle to Tiger Lily earlier tonight. He spent a fruitless few minutes trying to get Tiger Lily to stand still for a re-enactment. Anyway, she was wearing a shirt several sizes too big which gave him “a good view of her breasts”. OK, so give her a drink.

· Deep Throat had a very hard day, and came to the hash late, after the run. Seeking a bit of comradeship, she went up to two of her favourite people for a comforting hug. What reponse did she get? “What do you want”? On in Virginia Slim and Big Head.

· Big Head takes some umbrage and suggests she will pay the hash back next week – “do you want shaggy up to here (indicating knees), or here (neck)”?

· Hooray has Kannot Kan in as a look-a-like Scotsman for Bagless Too, who apparently got the better of a tree limb during the week – the tree has a small bump and Bagless Too has a few stitches.

· Big Head has noticed that Croc Hunter was nice enough to erect a private shower for the modest ladies of the hash tonight, so he gets a drink.

· Shoe Shopper points out that it wasn’t all good nature, what about the cameras he has installed? He gets another drink.

· Sneaky Comer has school-teacher mathematicians (represented by Shoe Shopper) and a former On Sec to task. As easy as it might be to count 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and so on up to 2,000, it seems to have been beyong the Harriets over the years, with more than one example of the odd skipped run (eg 360, 361, 363, 374, 375) and more than one example of duplicate runs (the most recent being in Jackoff’s reign). An appropriate song is sung; “B.I.M.B.O”…..

· Deep Throat has more on her bad day therapy – on talking about it with Kannot Kan, he advised her to hit Hooray. Not sure who got the drink, I guess all of them.

· Wet Patch has Tiger Lily and Open to the Floor to task on their sense of direction. [Editor’s note: Paging Wet Patch, do you ever read the newsletter? Because there is a nice theme in recurring irony from the last few weeks if you read hard enough]. Anyway, the run was simple enough, out the path, turn left, go around in a clockwise direction, return to the same path and back to the run site. But Tiger Lily and Open to the Floor, on reaching the path to the run site, had lost their way and headed off to do the run again.

· Father Anus comes in to the circle to report on where he has been. Working his ass off was, I think, the expression. So one day he returned home, weary from a long day, and worried about his upcoming run. There was an email from the on-sec asking if he was around? Yes, Father Anus answered, at 2am. But he was busy, could someone take over the run? The answer came back within a few minutes “no, everyone is on holiday, you will have to do the run”. How, Father Anus asks, did the on sec poll the membership and get all negative responses within 5 minutes at 2am? On in Sneaky Comer as a proxy for the on sec.

· Slocum piles on. What was Wet ‘n Wild doing up at 2am answering emails, he asks? What do you think, responds Sneaky Comer. Give him another drink.

· Sybil was willing to help out with the run at the last minute. She wants to know with all this modern technology like email and facebook Father Anus couldn’t get someone to help him. On in Shoe Shopper, Virginia Slim, Boo, and Big Head as a sample of the technology literate unhelpful ones.

· Tiger Lily calls Singaporn and Handbag into the circle. “How long have you been in Asia?”, she asks Handbag. 2, 3, or 5 years is the answer. To Singaporn, “how long have you been in Asia?” Less, I think. So after the run, Singaporn was squatting down. Handbag remarked that he couldn’t do that. Give the squatters a note [Ed: perhaps they should visit Malaysia?]

· Before the run, Slocum asked Father Anus if it was a long run? No, said Father Anus, I had Sybil and Dances with Kerbs chatting away at the back all the time we were setting the run. The sooner it was over, the better?

· Sneaky Comer finally understands how it is that Sybil always finds the run, despite the fact that she is the only one on the hash without an email. It must be bush telepathy! Or the bush telegraph. Anyway, give her a note.

On on to pizza.

Scribed by Sneaky Comer.

Down the Hill and Up Again, and Again, and Again

Hares: Slippery Bum & Two Jugs.

Where: Vigilante Drive

On On: 99 South Buona Vista Kitchen

The Run

I don’t have a clue, sorry. The first T-check screwed me, searching for trail I found the in-trail, searched down the stairs, by the time I got back everyone was gone. I didn’t check back through the run site because no-one sets back checks through the run site, right? Anyway, I am reliably(?) told that the run went back through the run site, down the road, and left on South Buona Vista to a rather nasty T-check. Then right back up the hill, into the bike trail, then over to Science Park, down into Normanton Park, and then somehow over to Hortpark and back into Kent Ridge. Phew. Glad I didn’t have to run it. I noted a few other short-cutters who skipped the last bit, not to mention Hooray out on Jalan Mat Jambol, nowhere near any trail markings, as usual.

The Circle: Ah, it must be school holidays again. The crowd is thin, GM missing in action (note to club, must stop electing School Teachers as GM’s if we ever want them to show up. They do, after all, have 34 weeks of holiday each year, or something like that). Anyway, Deep Throat steps up to run the circle, remembering along the way that it isn’t Friday so we don’t need a mystery whip.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? “Not enough roads, not enough hills”, the other usual comments; the hares are rewarded with Good Run. They get two down downs since Two Jugs is a virgin hare.

Tell us about your On On: 99 South Buona Vista kitchen.

Next week’s run: “Read your newsletter”. Actually we have heard since from Father Anus, will be at carpark B, Dairy Farm Road (near the corner).

Visitors / Returnees: Welcome Belcher, Liz, Bagless 2, Krit, Veggie Queen, Vibrator, Who the F^&k is Christine, YBF. Welcome back to Posh Duck, and a very special welcome back to Sherpa.

Virgins: nope, they don’t like hills.

Lipstick: Vibrator by a nose, and Wet Patch (self confessed).

Tits: Stiff has two candidates:

· Posh Duck – as Stiff was running with him, stated that this run was “so hilly lah”. Ummm, yes, it is Vigilante Drive!

· Two Jugs – when briefing us on the run, warned us not to get distracted by the tape across the bike tracks. A bit hard when you made us cross over/under it about 14 times.

Posh Duck gets the tits by strong acclamation.

Dick: A Dickless run again.

Awards – None, tonight!

Hash Farewell – Sticky Ring is off to New York – serenaded with “New York, New York”.

AOB:

· Stiff says some people like getting lipstick. Vibrator is a case in point, he was heard to remark that it was easy to get lipstick with Tiger Lily absent.

· Slocum wants Maggot in the circle for being so nervous about getting lipstick, he took a woman with him to go checking.

· Shoe Shopper was talking to Jasmine and Bagless 2 over by the tank after the run. Heading off to get changed, SS said “see you in a couple of weeks” to Jasmine, to which Bagless responded “yep, see you then”. “Umm, aren’t you coming to the circle?” “Yes”. “Ok, well see you in 10 minutes then”. Here’s to the forgetful one.

· Belcher noted that Krit was unusually slow tonight, normally he is up near the front of the pack. The issue? He had four tarts for lunch.

· Ad Nauseum reminds the circle of the 2000^th run in October. The Harriets are storing wine for the occasion, and need a secret location. The answer is Ad Nauseum’s office, the only issue being he has an office full of piss-artists. So what to do? Answer, park the wine in the office of the only person he trusts, a devout Muslim lady who won’t drink it. On in Zipp for her choice of secure storage.

· Wet Patch has a complaint about his bride to be. While away on holiday, they went bike riding and SS was leaving Wet Patch in the dust, while Wet Patch manfully ported all their gear (sounds of bullshit, bullshit). And then tonight, SS was again leaving him in the dust. Shouldn’t she be looking after me, he complains? SS gets a drink.

· Shoe Shopper gets immediate revenge. She is on holiday but is happy to drive Wet Patch to work, pick him up again, etc. Today he asks “can you pick me up before hash”. “Yes, did you pack your hash bag”. “No”, is the answer, “but I trust you to do that for me”. Give him a drink.

· Wet Patch calls for some moral support from married men who think he isn’t a MCP.

· Sneaky Comer reminds the circle that last week, Stiff got in trouble for not learning from life’s experiences. Obviously Wet Patch has not read his newsletter, since he clearly hasn’t learnt from his, if he expects his wife to look after him.

· Deep Throat asks why do we come to hash? To drink, of course. Not Posh Duck though, he comes to the hash to eat. So give him a drink.

· Slocum noted that Vibrator came into the circle in support of Wet Patch earlier. “Are you married, he asks”.

· Belcher has already told us he hates dishonesty. When Boo is short-cutting on trail, he always yells “short-cutting”, so we know. But Slocum? No, he was short-cutting, but chose to hide it by yelling “ar you?”

· Shoe Shopper noted a returnee when arriving at the run. To Wet Patch “gee that looks like Sherpa”. Wet Patch “yes it does look like Sherpa”. So let’s have Sherpa in for a drink as a look-a-like for Sherpa.

· Deep Throat charges Shoe Shopper for a blonde moment.

On on to 99 South Buona Vista kitchen. Great food, two tables.

Scribed by Sneaky Comer.

The ‘Two Trails for the Price of One Run.’

Hares: Stiffener and Stiff.

Where: 10 Maida Vale

On On: On site Tandoori Chicken, Pitas, Brownies and Ice Cream.

The Run

Well the omens were out in force before this run. Stiffy was looking sheepish and the hares commenced the explanation saying “in spite of Stiffy’s best efforts to screw up the run….”. The pack headed off the wrong direction led by Tiger Lily within 50m, and then spent a fruitless few minutes looking over someone’s back fence of the on at the first check. Eventually the hares put us straight out to a little loop through the west of the camp before we got back to the Jalan Kayu flyover. Off over towards the Farmway, a clever circle check had us messing around for a while before another hare hint got us on trail (for the last time for some) on the canal heading south.

At this point, it all went to custard, for some. Of course it was Tiger Lily leading the pack. Of course she didn’t see the paper trail along the bottom of the hill and led the pack up the stairs to the top. Of course, at the top of the hill there was very visible paper high in the trees. Unfortunately, it was bike hash paper, from Sunday. Off charged the front runners, the frantic calls of the hare apparently unheard, confidently following paper and not to be see again until after 8pm (a lot after 8pm in some cases).

Those of us with ears open retraced our steps to lower down the hill to find real paper, which led down to Sengkang West Way. Front runner Too Easy reveled in a slightly more sedate pace than usual, with FRB’s like Tiger Lily and Posh Nash off on their way to Yio Chu Kang, or somewhere. At this point we encountered the walky talkies hiding behind a tree, obviously given a short-cut by the second hare. South on Fernvale a T-check delayed anyone who was running, and then into a forested area with none of the usual front running suspects – in fact it was Dances With Kerbs leading the way, all the while calling “I need a woman” or “I need a stretcher”. The trail eventually led us down to Sungei Punggol canal/river/swamp/sewage works, where for once a circle check was predictable and we headed up the canal. At this point the hares took the piss by taking us across the wetlands board walk and then for a nice long T-check along the park connector, at which even Stiffy had a little whinge. Finally it was across the Anchorvale Bridge (I say finally because we finally felt we had turned towards home at about 6:55).

At this point it was just a short 3km push on home, through Sengkang Park, through the forest out on to the construction road just south of the TPE (at this point it was only Too Easy, Stiffy, and Sneaky Comer still on trail), and on to a circle check at 7:15pm. Stuff this, we thought, we’re going straight, so we followed the overgrown construction road up to Jalan Kayu. Number of runners doing the whole trail: 0. Number of relieved hares: 1 – Stiff was later to enquire whether we had fallen down any of those deep wells in the forest on the home trail, the answer being “no mate, at that point we took a straight line home, stuff your final circle check”. Front runners home about 7:20, nearly on trail.

For the regular, deaf and blind, front runners out in Yio Chu Kang somewhere, your trail report is available at http://www.twa.com.sg/sbh/pdf_ride_reports/2011/ride_report_414.pdf. For some, your pathway home is available at http://www.cdgtaxi.com.sg. For those who are curious about where the real run went, here you go (from memory, not GPS, 8.2km according to the map):

The Circle: The GM is still out running the bike hash. Big Head is still out running the bike hash. Half the pack is missing. What to do, what to do? Eventually Wet ‘n Wild is cajoled into starting the circle about 8:40pm. Just a minute, we can’t find the hares either.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Somehow or other what’s left of the pack award this a “good run”. Wait a minute, shouldn’t we count postal votes before declaring the result of this election? Half the electorate is missing in action. Anyway, thanks Stiffener and Stiff, take a down down. (It was a nice run, if just a tad long).

Tell us about your On On: On site, Lennie’s Chicken Tandoori Pitas with salad, potatoes; and brownies and ice cream for desert.

Next week’s run: Vigilante Drive Car Park B (that would be the top one), with the on on at 99 Buona Vista Kitchen (you know the one, down South Buona Vista Road sor of opposite the supermarket etc). Hares are Slippery Bum and Two Jugs.

Visitors / Returnees: We have a comprehensive list this week, since my rude comment from last week (the list was actually in MY handbag), so Stiffener has made sure I have it by handing over a piece of paper, sending the list by email, and having it delivered by certified courier. Phew. Welcome Ayam Zinking, Stiffler, Belcher, Liz, Rachel, Who The Fuck Is Christine, Richa, Vibrator, 824, Malfunction, Jacqueline, and Next Time (who seemed to spend her time around the beer truck in civvies, perhaps a good choice on this occasion). Welcome back to Posh Duck, returnee.

Virgins: We had a lucky virgin this week, welcome Priscilla. Did she enjoy the run? Good for her marathon training, I guess.

Lipstick: The stand in GM didn’t bother with lipstick tonight; it was a bit of a case of every man for himself – if you can get home before 9pm, we don’t care who you were running in front of.

Tits: Twin Towers was out on the bike hash still and Comes Quietly was out in the car looking; but Sneaky Comer could see a pretty good opportunity so came in to award the virtual tits (which became real as Comes Quietly arrived back just in time). On in the hares for 20 questions:

· To Stiff, “how long have you been married?” Oh never mind, men never know….

· To Stiffener “how long have you been married?” Answered, specifically, let’s just say long enough.

· To Stiffener “what did you say about the length of the run while setting it?” Answer “I think it’s a bit too long”.

· To Stiffener “and what was your partner’s response?”

· Stiff “I have been setting hashes for years, I know what I am doing, you need to learn from my experience” (or something like that).

Tits go to Stiff. Even after xx years of marriage, he still doesn’t know that his wife is ALWAYS right, even when she isn’t. Give them both a drink.

Dick: A Dickless run again.

Awards – None, tonight!

AOB:

· Stiff has an immediate grudge. “Tonight’s run was a …..” at which Jackoff chimes in quickly with “cockup”. “OK, well slight mixup” continues Stiff. He wants Big Head in the circle now that she has returned from the bike hash. Why? Well we set the exact same run for the Valentine’s Day party, together, and Stiff told Big Head that before the run. So why did she head off in another direction with the front runners? Give her a drink.

· Malfunktion has just returned looking tired and wants to know if he can go home please.

· Belcher complains that two years ago, he came to a run at this site, with the same hares, which promised to be the last one ever. Give a note to the dishonest hares.

· Stiffy points out that Singapore has been having problems with its neighbours, and he needs two Singaporean women in to demonstrate. Jackoff and Double Back are asked to demonstrate stipping and squatting for the Malaysian immigration department, but decline the first bit so are required to squat and be chopped. (See http://www.straitstimes.com/BreakingNews/Singapore/Story/STIStory_679677.html)

· Not Tonight points out that Sneaky Comer has been traveling a bit lately. Apparently on coming home recently, he found a strange (not his) watch on his nightstand. Hallo hallo, Wet ‘n Wild, he asks “who has been sleeping in my bed?” The answer, it transpires, is Wet Brazilian. On in Wet ‘n Wild, Wet Brazilian (who has now returned from the bike hash) and Sneaky Comer for a threesome. Wet Brazilian wants to know the next time Sneaky Comer is scheduled to be away.

· Stiff has Tiger Lily in and points out that she too did the Valentine’s Day run and should have known where the run went.

· Sneaky Comer calls Stiff back in. For some reason Stiffy enters the circle, must have a guilty conscience. Anyway, once we have established it should be Stiff, Sneaky Comer points out that Stiff still doesn’t seem to have learned anything in his journey through life. Stiff has been made two charges tonight, both charging women for messing up the run by not having a sense of direction. Ummm….does any more need to be said?

· Hooray kindly points out that Big Head, Open to the Floor, and one of our visitors came home by cab. Give them a drink, it was probably a good choice though.

· Gypsy saw someone being mean to one of our longer standing members tonight. Sybil encountered Stiffy as we entered the shiggy off Fernvale Road, and asked him “where is JJ (Dances with Kerbs)?” Stiffy’s reply: “she can’t be in here, she’s too much of a sissy to come into the shiggy”. He aught to be publically pissed on….

· At this point Wet Brazilian has recovered sufficiently from the ordeal to take over the circle.

· Stiffy has had enough of being blamed for messing up the run. He claims he did call the hares this morning, telling them the bike hash had been in the area, and offering to let them know where the trail went. They declined to know, he says. Give them a drink.

· The circle treated the previous charge with complete disdain, shouting down Stiffy and insisting that representatives of the bike hash get a drink for leaving (it must be said) very long streamers of paper lying around – Stiffener and Wet ‘n Wild are quick to present the evidence. Stiffy and Too Easy are charged.

· Wet Brazilian piles on to Stiffy, pointing out that “you are so boring, someone has been on the phone for 15 minutes while you have been talking”. On in Next Time, get off the phone!

· Ad Nauseum had his night made when he found “two (old) ladies lost on trail, Jackoff and Two Jugs”. There was a bit of dissent about referring to them as old, but Ad Nauseum carried on ad nauseum, regardless. Anyway, out on the bike hash trail, unsure of how to find their way home, Ad Nauseum dragged out his old Boy Scout experience and pointed out that “if the sun is over there, that must be West, so that direction is East, and North, and South, and so on. So which direction do we need to go to get home?” Answer from Jackoff, “South”. Umm, no Jackoff, you can’t get much further north than Seletar, so that is the direction we need to go. Give the directionless ones a note. [Editor’s note: is that a third charge about a woman and a sense of direction? J].

· Ad Nauseum announces that Kampong Hash is this Saturday.

· Sybil asked Stiff at the start of the run “is this long, short, will there by much shiggy, etc?” And while Stiff has been charging Big Head and Tiger Lily with no sense of direction, out on trail he directed Sybil in the direction of the bike hash!!!

· Vibrator wants to do a charge. Ugly Bum intervenes quickly “don’t mess it up, and don’t offend anyone”. With those words ringing in his ears (or probably not), Vibrator reports there was a burning tree out on the bike hash trail, on in Tiger Lily for setting it on fire as she blazed past.

· Zipp wants to know why Stiffler did the bike hash trail when his parents set the trail? Didn’t he get some inside knowledge? Stiff nearly gets in more trouble by remarking that Stiffler “has his mother’s genes”.

· Boo hasn’t been charged tonight. Stiffy decides to rectify that. Apparently while Boo was out following the front runners on the bike hash trail, he saw the chalk markings “SBH”. His reaction, “we’re f%^&ed”.

[Editor’s question to front runners: you are following Tiger Lily, there hasn’t been a check for approximately 2km, and the chalk markings say SBH – what’s wrong with this picture???]

On on to the Lennie’s food.

Scribed by Sneaky Comer.

The ‘Just Another Birthday Run.’

Hares: Comes Quietly & Twin Towers.

Where: Jalan Kampong Chantek

On On: Red Lantern.

The Run

This one included another encounter with the train, another wet tunnel and multiple circle checks. There was some confusion over which trail was the correct one, but the women were leading tonight. Home in about 50 minutes, approximately 5km.

The Circle: Wet Brazilian, the real GM, starts the circle. Today is a special run for Comes Quietly who is turning 50. Birthday cake in circle – Why was he born so beautiful? Blow, blow, blow old man!

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? The GM said it was a good run, but Ad Nauseum said not enough shaggy. A good run was declared with a down down of champagne by the Hares.

Tell us about your On On: At the traditional Red Lantern – a short drive away.

Next week’s run: 10 Maida Vale, Seletar On On to be announced.

Visitors / Returnees: Belcher, Malfunktion, (and many others).

Virgins: Four virgins this week –- 3 females and 1 male. All survived the run and made it back to site. Two virgins asked for water to down down. One could not finish all the water. Fat Crashing Bastard wants to train female virgins to sip and swallow properly.

Lipstick: No lipstick tonight – men were just too slow. Virgin male was called in as a representative to receive lipstick – here’s to the Naughty Boy!

Tits: Were missing, but somehow they appeared with Malfunktion. Chef from the Cricket Club offered him 8 legs of venison for $10 – is that too cheap?

Years ago Ugly Bum invited to test for medical awareness – 2 minutes guys getting nailed today. Tiger Lily substituted for Handbag and Twin Towers substituted for Camel Humper. Ask each a word and say what it means.

1. Dilate (UB – open up) Answer: To live long

2. Fester (TT – open legs again) (TL – operation) Answer: picking faster than someone

3. Tumor (TT – Cancer) (TL – Cancer cell) Answer: Two more

4. Impotence (TT – What is that?) Answer: Distinguished, important

5. Post Operative (TT – taking the balls) (TL – what?) Answer: Letter carrier

Tits go to Twin Towers!

Dick: A Dickless run again.

Awards – Most creative run from AGM – Ad Nauseum, Ugly Bum, Off, off, off!

AOB:

· Last week there was a celebration in the Circle – Shoe Shopper’s Hash wedding and Wet Patch is already out of town. How is the marriage so far? Wet Patch is in Iraq – not much of a honeymoon. Within three hours of getting married Shoe Shopper ditches the ring – marriage only lasted three hours. She ought to be publically pissed on!

· Slocum called in visitor from Colombo who he was chatting up he said. Asked if he knew Stiff replied only by reputation. That is why I came with his wife. Feel free to come again as many times.

· Not Tonight calls in GM for missing hash for two weeks. Missed the fact that the Brazilian government passed new laws on the wearing of underwear. From now on Brazilian underwear has to have hazard warnings and slogans. Not Tonight brought the special new underwear with health slogans for the GM to put on. Large white panties with warnings: Use a condom, Just say not tonight, Smoking kills. Sexy, sexy! GM puts on panties, but Stiffy would like his tighty whities back please!

· Fat Crashing Bastard called Kan Not Kan and Too Easy in Circle. Early in hash when these two met Kan Not Kan was leading Too Easy astray – if I am going to go down you are going down with me. Here’s to the abusers!

· GM appears back in Circle – appears to have lost her new underwear!

· Slocum calls in Tiger Lily. She found a check today while going into stream and grapping a tree for support, falls over, breaks tree and lands on Circle.

· Tiger Lily calls in Too Easy and Stiffy. What’s common with these two – they bike endurance races. Stiffy was 24th, Too Easy was 1st. Congratulations – they can do it all night long. Here’s to endurance!

· Mother Tongue calls in Fat Crashing Bastard. Where I go, all the girls will go. Here’s to the bull shitter – he’s true blue!

· Fat Crashing Bastard calls in Tiger Lily. He knows her well and wonders what’s wrong. She never follows paper and tonight she’s swinging like Tarzan. Tiger Lily is suffering from Paris Syndrome, which only affects Japanese women. They see Paris as beautiful and have mental breakdown because it is not. Singaporn look-a-like Mother Tongue is the token Parisian.

· Tiger Lily refers to an article on the British Social website about countries and humor. Humorous countries: Brazilian, American, French. Non-humor countries: Germany has least humor.

· Slocum calls in Fat Crashing Bastard. His lovely wife was way behind the pack. She can’t believe it and is going to kill him. You would think he would call when checking? Did he lose his voice?

· Kan Not Kan – Americans – 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. Female virgins in circle – wanted to know words to main hash songs. Here’s to the hash men they’re true blue…

· Not Tonight calls in female virgins. The virgins were in the Singapore Art Museum on Monday. Quicksand is a Singapore artist. Virgin #1 also a Singapore Artist. Virgin #2 was talking to Not Tonight about Virgin #1 art and asked what is your name? Jo Hobman and they both know David Hobman. Virgin #2 said David Hobman changed my life – he was my teacher! He’s so old – she’s so young.

· Malfunktion says too many petty charges tonight.

· GM calls in male virgin. Cannot leave him out – he was running with headphones. Did not talk to anyone – so unsocial. He ought to be publically pissed on! Male virgin will not leave – wants to be spanked again!

· Tiger Lily calls in Twin Towers. Cup of coffee early this morning – call your darling Ya Yang but he calls you Sa Yong. Ya Yang is shorter version of Sa Yang. Duh – same number of syllables! Give her a note!

On on to the Red Lantern

Scribed by Big Head, sent in by Wet Brazilian, names of visitors and virgins in Stiffener’s handbag.