Singapore Hash House Harriets

The ‘Wet n Wild Birthday Run.’

Hares: Posh Nash, Wet n Wild & Sneaky Comer.

Where: As far from f#*king Bukit Timah Rd as possible. (East Coast Park, car park F2)

On On; The Restaurant just over there by the water (Sunset Bay Bistro), a la carte.

The Run

The Bit That Started it all Bit: ‘A bit of everything,’ promised Sneaky Comer when asked what the run would hold for us. As someone who is impartial to getting a bit, I immediately started mentally preparing.

The Warm Up Bit: Meanwhile, Malfunktion was doing some serious warm up of his own, which involved consuming as many Carlsbergs as possible before 6 o’clock.

The Beginning Bit. The Pack headed off into the nearby trees, while a cunning group stuck to the service road that would eventually lead to trail.

The Pissy Bit: Maggot, suffering the effects of a very long boozy lunch, headed to the nearest bushes and gave them a serious watering. By the time he finished downloading, the Pack was out of sight, so he took off along the service road, where, after much effort and toil, he managed to tag onto the back of Kamala and Quickie.

The Comedy Bit: Bedok Rd fly over took us into the depths of East Coast Suburbia. A back lane by a canal had us searching. I followed Wet Patch up a side street to the main road, and Shoe Shopper was following me. I watched Wet Patch turn a corner to the left, and then 30 seconds later he came back the other way, hot on the heels of Tiger Lily. It was real Keystone Cops stuff.

The Suburbia Bit: Traffic lights, traffic, footpaths and roads. Along Upper East Coast Road, across Upper East Coast Road, parallel to Uppert East Coast Road then back across Upper East Coast Road again and into the bush land.

The Bushy Bit: Winding through the trees, emerging at the canal, back along the edge of the ECP towards the underpass.

The Missing Bit: It was here that I came across Virginia Slim and Deep Throat who were walking in the opposite direction in the hope of finding the drink stop. When I informed them there was no drink stop, they dejectedly turned and headed back again.

The Seaside Bit: ECP Underpass and a home stretch along the waters edge to home. I do like to be beside the seaside.

The Risk Taking Bit: Not too many risk takers, I was the only runner to cool of with a swim in the clear emerald blue waters of the East Coast.

The Climax Bit: Up the road and into the car park, 55 minutes for front runners, and about 7kms. Good run guys, enjoyable. Not sure which was my favourite bit.

The Circle: Good grief, the real GM is back. She immediately gives a mention about overdue subs. Let’s name names.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Where was the drink stop asked 2 runners. Where were the toilets asked Maggot. Who got the most bits? Very good run.

Tell us about your On On: Restaurant just over by the water’s edge, a la carte.

Next week’s run: Nowhere near Bukit Timah Rd. Jalan Kampong Chantek.

Visitors / Returnees: Camel Humper, Belcher, Veggie Queen, Stiffler, Malfunktion, and possibly a few others.

Virgins: No virgins exist East of f#*king Bukit Timah Rd.

Lipstick: Cock Radio, & Maggot, despite his plea that he was up Kamala’s arse.

Tits: Virginia Slim whips out 3 Spanish cucumbers (thankfully they were not German) and gets in 3 of the manliest male members – Malfunktion, Stiffler and Gypsy. He then asks them to hold their green members in the appropriate position and proceeded to spray cream on the ends of them. After I had complained last week about the smell of his stale cream on the Tits last week, I was then required to lick the cream of each male member’s green member, and report my taste findings back to him. And it was Malfunktion who takes the honours with the tastiest, creamiest green member. Gypsy then reported that his was still firm.

Dick: A Dickless run again.

Awards – Zilch

AOB:

· The Wedding.

The anticipation of this long awaited event is stirred as traditional wedding music starts up – the sounds of the Australian didgeridoo, played by Stiffler.

The Bride, Shoe Shopper, resplendent in an almost pure white gown and veil, is accompanied into the Circle by her very cute bridesmaid, Camel Humper. The Groom, Wet Patch, was looking dapper in his Aussie flag shorts, outback Akruba Hat and English shirt.

The Reverend Shaggy Dick 2 had the gathering, and himself for that matter, well primed, and a chorus of assholes was heard throughout the proceedings.

The Bride was asked by Reverend Shaggy to confirm her vows, along the lines of promising to do her husbands washing and ironing, make sure he has a cold beer next to him while he lies back on the couch watching football, ignore his farting in bed and to tell him that he has bulging triceps, a cute bum and 6 pack abs, despite thinking that he was really a flabby old fat bastard.

The Groom confirmed his vows to supply his wife with unlimited shopping credit, to tell her that he really loves her at least 20 times per day, to allow her to win every argument and to tell her that her new skin tight jeans make her look 20 years younger, despite thinking how big they make her bum look and that she should be covering up with clothing a lot longer and free flowing, like a caftan.

Reverend Shaggy then asked if there were any objections to this union of Harriet to a Harriet’s Associate Member. The Best Man, Cock Radio, then produced a questionnaire from Australian Immigration for Wet Patch to answer in order to be allowed to mix his dubious British lines with the pure bloodstock of a blonde Taswegian.

Having passed his test with flying colours, scoring 1.5 marks out of a possible total of 50, Reverend Dick declares it is time for the Groom to show the Bride his ring. On bending over and forwards, Wet Patch’s ring is well and truly on display, but the Bride decides not to put it on her finger. Well, not in public at least.

Of course, the Best Man is responsible for minding the ring, but I was not touching that one either. Of course, we all hear stories of the Best Man losing the wedding ring. Being a cunning Aussie, I had the real ring safely secured to a boomerang, so that if I lost it, it would always come back to me.

The ring is placed on the finger, the united couple unite with a kiss, tongue and all, and the groom removes the brides garter from her upper thigh with his mouth, leaving just one last thing to do. The Bridesmaid comes in with her Bouquet, all the single girls, and not so single girls, line up eagerly; the bouquet is thrown high in the air and lands in the hands of – Malfunktion!!

As wedding cake is passed around (I hope they did not use Virginia Slim’s cream), the rest of AOB continues.

· Hand Bag comes in, puts his beer down to tell his charge, but decides it is in danger of being knocked over, so carefully removes it to a safer place. Forced Entry had told him a secret: ‘Virginia Slim is the most intelligent man she has ever met.’ In the ensuing hysterical laughter, with people falling over and rolling around on the ground, Tiger Lily knocked over Hand Bag’s beer that he had so thoughtfully moved. On reflection, probably a secret Forced Entry should have kept to herself.

· Tiger Lily confirms that she really is blind by attempting to read a newspaper article but found the print too small. Anyway, Maggot and Cock Radio, being from the Australian state of Victoria, are told that their government has brought in a new law, and anyone swearing in public will be fined. This resulted in a barrage of profound swearing and obscenities from the 2 Victorians, as this law effectively reduces their vocabulary by 50%. And just for good measure, Maggot elbowed the GM in the boob as he left the Circle.

· Ugly Bum brought in the Best Man and Bridesmaid, who had a whip in her/his hand and proceeded to give me a whipping.

· Kan Not Can gathers all the singles in, including couples who are standing on the opposite side of the circle to each other and those whose partners are not here. Not sure if this resulted in any match making success.

· Tiger Lily directed Deep Throat in the direction of the toilets, but these were too much of a modern convenience for Deep Throat who headed for the nearest bushes and had a squat instead.

· At one stage on the run, Shoe Shopper turned on Kan Not Can and told him to put his camera away, not realizing that he was the official wedding photographer.

· Belcher did not like the warm beer he was given for his down down, and got the Hash Brew in for a taste of her own medicine.

· Deep Throat is still upset by the lack of a drink stop and charged the Hares for wasting her time searching for it.

On on to the restaurant by the water for a la carte. (And Towers of Carlsberg and tequila shots)

Scribed by Cock Radio.

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~  Henny Youngman
WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

The ‘Wet Patch’ Birthday Run.

Hares: Wet Patch & Shoe Shopper

Where: Portsdown Rd

On On: The Colbar

The Run

Black and White Houses are the in thing for 2 runs in a row. The Hares spelt out clearly that we should all stay on trail, as it is a short run anyway. So at the very first Check, Tiger Lily takes a group of 4 misfits the wrong way, thus missing ½ the run.

The rest of us looped around and in and out of Black and White houses, across drains and gutters, up hill and down dale until we eventually came to the Malay Railway Line. I should clarify about going ‘across’ drains, as Stiff, rather than gliding gracefully across, stumbled like a 3 legged elephant into a gutter and almost did his ankle, and this was only 5 metres after leaving the safety of the car park.

The female Hare continued to give guidance to runners with a sharp eye. A zig zag course had us make about 6 crossings of the train tracks. Twin Jugs nearly ended up in Malaysia at crossing number 4, as she was not keen to step back from the tracks, despite our frantic calls that the 6pm train to KL was about to come thundering out of the tunnel at 100kms. And to rub it in, someone flushed the toilet just as it went past her. This was not the sort of training she was after.

A check under a fly over had us guessing, nearly as much as our wondering what a police motor bike was doing under there. Kan The Kobra tried to tell someone that the police have a new radar gun that they point up and can detect speeding cars on the road above.

I checked forward along the railway line with Boo & Stiff but found nothing. However, looking into the distance way over on the left was what looked like paper hanging from a tree. And looking to our right, there was paper way in the distance attached to a canal railing. So do we go left or right? Neither, we went straight! Along the railway line, to find a Circle and runners approaching from the left. So my checking took me to the right and down to the paper on the railing by the canal. Of course.

On reaching the end of the canal, there was a check that then took us back along the other side of the canal, before dropping into a drain. It was at this stage that we picked up a couple of Tiger Lily’s lost misfits who were lurking around – Cherry Picker, Sneaky Comer and Shaggy.

Up the road and into the car park, 55 minutes for front runners, and about 6.2km.

The Circle: Tonight it is Big Head who takes over as acting GM, and she shows she has not lost it either. Did she ever have it?

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Yep, it was good alright. A good training run, I thought.

Tell us about your On On: Colbar, chicken curry, rice and chips. Subsidised by the Hares, thanks.

Next week’s run: No where near Bukit Timah Rd. East Coast Park, Car Park F2, approach from Bedok end of East Coast Park Service Road.

Visitors / Returnees: Camel Humper, Belcher, Veggie Queen, Stiff, Malfunktion, Cherry Picker, Totally Unacceptable, Butt Wiper, Woodbridge, Mad Sex Change, Welsh Git and possibly a few others.

Virgins: No virgins when we started, but we had a virgin by the time we finished. How is that possible? Amber comes in, complete with F#*k me shoes. She says she is a friend of Zipps, and immediately Gypsy is in with an arm around her, claiming that any friend of Zipps is a friend of his.

I noticed that Amber did not have a Hash shirt on, and I took mine off to give to her to put on. She refused on the grounds that it was too smelly. Actually, she looked better in the top she had on anyway.

Lipstick: Damsel Humper, Cock Radio, Sneaky Comer, Cherry Picker, Butt Wiper.

Tits: I recalled how a number of weeks ago at Boo’s Birthday Run, Virginia Slim sprayed his cream all over the Tits. Despite being washed and aired, they still stink of his stale cream. As Slim is not here, Forced Entry takes the smelly Tits and is told to control Slim on where he sprays his cream.

Dick: A Dickless run again.

Awards – Zilch

AOB:

· Wet Patch thanks all those that sent Facebook birthday greetings, and then charged Tiger Lily for getting lost at the very first check and missing half the trail. Short cutter.

· Cock Radio called in the triathletes who competed in Bintan. (I heard that Batam was better for sport?)Camel Humper, who came ninth – not bad, a good number. Tiger Lily who came first, a very good number. Could anyone achieve a better finishing place than that? Yes, Shaggy Dick 2 who managed to come in 69^th. Coming in 1^st is easy, just make sure no one is in front of you. Coming in 9^th is a bit more difficult, you must make sure there are 8 other runners in front of you. But to ensure there are 68 other runners in front of you so you get 69^th takes real skill. Well done Shaggy.

· Fat Crashing Bastard heard Stiffy say ‘Give me the French one and I will put it in.’ Was he looking at Singaporn when he said that?

· Mother’s Tongue reckons that Fat Crashing Bastard was talking cock on the run – at a particularly difficult section he was heard to say ‘it’s as slippery as a Croatian’s tongue.’ How does he know how slippery a Croatian’s tongue is?

· Deep Throat did not know it was Wet Patch’s Birthday. His reply was that she was not on his Facebook. ‘That’s because you have not accepted me as a friend, I am still waiting.’ Retorted a rather chuffed Deep Throat.

· Malfunktion starts his charge by saying ‘I was running along…’ and was instantly drowned out by a chorus of “Bullshit, bullshit….’ Good try Mal. Anyway, he was walking/plodding along and Too Easy told him ‘It was too hard, it has not been this hard for a long time.’ What’s going on Fat Crashing Bastard?

· Butt Wiper reckons that if you carefully studied Shoe Shopper’s eyes at the checks, you could detect which way the trail went. Eye eye.

· Fat Crashing Bastard – does he have illegal contraband in his shorts? – believes the Danes have gone too far in their fight against terrorism by banning Marmite. Actually, I would ban it too; every good Aussie knows that vegemite is far superior.

· Kamala, with lots of arm actions, told us what a beautiful night it was, almost perfect, but where was the drink stop we were promised. Shoe Shopper told her that this is it.

· Jack Off has been doing some observing and gets Malfunktion and Camel Humper in. Look at the similarities. Yes, definitely, it’s Malfunktions long lost love child.

· Cock Radio discovered that Stiffy was not the only runner to come to grief on the slippery rocks last week. Stiff also took a tumble. And to prove it was no accident, Stiff found himself almost doing his ankle in a gutter tonight, only 10 metres after leaving the car park.

· Sneaky Comer gets the Assistant On Sec, Deep Throat, in for consistently turning up late to the run and making excuses about not being able to find the run site. How about checking the web site map?

· Finally, The GM brings the virgin in for sitting down. Does anyone have a nice smelling shirt to give her?

On on to the Colbar for curry chicken n chips.

Scribed by Cock Radio.

"I  feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re
going to feel all day. "
~Frank  Sinatra

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are  tougher, smarter, faster  and better looking than most people.

The ‘Mr. Potato Head is Injured Again, Can Anyone Take His Place,’ Run.

Hares: Cock Radio.

Where: Sembawang Community Centre

On On; 1036.

Makan Consultant: Forced Entry

The Run

Black and White Houses and a geography lesson were the order of the day for the first half of the run. Up to Kenya, round to Canada, take in Montreal, past Pakistan very quickly, Ottawa and onto Bermuda. By pass Hobart, Fiji, Auckland and Wellington. Speaking of Pakistan, we opt not to terrorize the Terror Club.

Up Kings Ave but a T check to bring the Pack back up Queens Avenue instead – after last weeks Circle, this was a more appropriate choice of street names.

Through the middle of Sembawang Park, watch out for the stray cat that thought my chalk was food and nearly took my finger off as I marked an arrow.

Sunset beach run along the sand, watch out for slippery rocks Stiffy. Oops, too late. The connector path along the canal was a possibility, but no, trail cut back into bushland track, around the back of houses, along the edge of a drain and back onto Sembawang Rd for a sprint past 1036 and the Nelson Bar to home.

Home in about an hour, approximately 8km.

Good run Hare, if I don’t mind saying so myself.

The Circle: Wet N Wild takes over as acting GM, and shows she has not lost it. Probably because she never had it anyway.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Doesn’t matter what you think, I am writing the report. Bloody good run mate, well done.

Tell us about your On On: 1036 down the road. Finest Chinese cuisine. Forced Entry then asked if we wanted her to come. Is the Pope a Catholic?

Next week’s run: Wet Patch Birthday Run, out Buona Vista way. (Is that near Canberra Stiffy?). [Editor’s note: now car park of Temasek Club, which is a slight change from whatever you heard in the circle last week.]

Visitors / Returnees: Camel Humper, Belcher, Veggie Queen, Stiff, Malfunktion and possibly a few others.

Virgins: Not a place for virgins.

Lipstick: Camel Bumper, Hand Bag & Hooray.

Tits: Stiffy was amongst a group of late comers, mumbling something about passport control hold up. Anyway, he was most grateful for the directions from the Hare that would allow him to catch up to the Pack quickly. He quickly found Kenya but had trouble finding the next street mentioned by the Hare.

He then asked ‘What is the big country that sits directly above the USA?’

‘Ah, that would be Canada,’ I replied confidently.

‘Yes, not bloody Canberra that you had me running around looking for,’ was Stiffy’s chuffed comment.

‘Oh dear, no one deserves to be sent to Canberra.’

I take the Tits.

Dick: Father Anus is here! But he is Dickless.

Awards – Zilch

AOB:

· Cock Radio recalls that last week, the On Sec was charged for not reading the newsletter, that we are all expected to read, before she sends it out. However, I have evidence she does. My description of Virginia Slim’s cesspool disguised as a drainage canal contained one more item of description that may have been floating in it. However, it was deemed too politically incorrect and sensitive following the recent election, and was censored by our On Sec, but does prove that she reads this crap before she mails it out (notice I self edited myself here W&W to save you censoring it again).

· Ugly Bum is delighted. Over the moon in fact. There has been a bit of loaning of essential items, such as flip flops, umbrellas, underwear, wives, etc going on between Father Anus and Ad Nauseum lately. Tonight, Father Anus has a brand new pair of thongs, flip flops for Ad Nauseum. But Ugly Bum is now not so over the moon – that solves one problem but what about the rest of Ad Naseum’s problems? (let’s face reality though Ugly Bum, some of his problems are unsolvable).

· Mother’s Tongue was walking through Bukit Browne Cemetery, enjoying the scenery and getting into the spirit of things, when she noticed some paper from a recent Hash still hanging from trees. Being a good citizen, she decided to pick it up and dispose of it thoughtfully. The only thing was, most of the paper had been placed so high up in the trees, she could not reach it. On in Cock Radio for placing paper at high altitudes.

· Stiff tells us that the IMM is not the only institution having male members in strife with females. Our very own Gypsy was accused by a female Sembawang resident that he was very naughty (he’s not the Messiah, he’s just a naughty little boy).

· Zipp gives a plug for the Kampong Hash this Saturday, which will be last Saturday by the time you read this. Apparently Ad Nauseum is going to have an errection and become GM. Glad to see that another Hash has pre arranged errections. What makes this even more interesting is that Ad Nauseum will be in Australia when the errection happens. (Please remember to bring back an Oz newspaper with the sports section, preferably a Monday, and from Melbourne – thanks mate. CR & Maggot).

· Hand Bag asked what time it is. 8.24. Yes, 8.24 was seen driving around Sembawang tonight in his Merc, saying hi to everyone on the run. And is 1036 the time or the name of the Coffee Shop we are going to?

· Stiffy, and others, were interested to observe Kan The Kobra trying to discretely shower and change behind a lamp post. Luckily for her, there was a fat bit at the bottom – of the pole that is, not her bottom – that hid her modesty from us. However, Hand Bag let us know that he had a perfectly uninterrupted side view from the back of his car that was parked 20 metres away at a 90 degree angle.

· Cock Radio observed Malfunktion arrive rather late, about 6.35, but still with time to get a 25 minute run in. However, after taking 5 minutes to put each sock on, and a further 7 minutes for each running shoe, he then engaged in some frivolous chit chat with me for 5 minutes, which ended with ‘Well, guess it’s too late to go for a run now,’ and he then proceeded to take both shoes and socks off and get a beer in his hand in 1 minute 10 seconds.

· Furthermore, Malfunktion then stood at the end of the run, acting as if he was a Hare and taking credit for ‘Good run, thanks,’ from the runners as they came in.

· And not only that, but Not Tonight saw Malfunktion limping after the run and receiving sympathy for his ‘running’ injury.

· Stiffy, failing to observe that the wet, slimy green and black stuff on the rock wall at the beach spelt out ‘Danger, slippery surface, slow down, hati hati,’ of course slipped and fell, spilling about as much blood on the beach as the British Generals did when they made the ANZAC’s land at Gallipoli in 1915. Anyway, Suzee Wong was full of useful advice for him as he lay on the sand licking his wounds, and anything else his tongue could reach – ‘be more careful Stiffy, you are too old for this.’

· Kan Not Kan charged the Hare (Malfunktion, notice it is still singular, despite your impostor efforts after the run). This was about sending the late comers off, but I can’t remember if it was a charge of gratitude or grumble. Let’s make it gratitude. Thanks KNK.

· I then charged Stiffy for whinging about Sembawang being so far out that he claimed he was late because he was held up at the passport control booth getting here. They are just doing their job in trying to keep the riff raff out of Sembawang mate, lucky they let you through at all.

· Forced Entry charged Zipp for proposing her as Hash Cash for the 2000th Run. As the current Harriet’s Hash Cash, she thought this was appropriate and an endorsement of her good work. Until she found out that she was 2nd choice, as Stiffener had already been approached and turned it down. Wet N Wild was also implicated as being a party to this charge.

· And one more charge for the late comers. On giving Lethal Weapon directions to pick up the home trail and run it in reverse to Sembawang Park, she said ‘ Oh good, a reverse route,’ and took off at a rate of knots after Father Anus. (At this stage, it was not known that Father Anus was Dickless!)

On on to the Coffee Shop, 1036, just down the road. (BTW, this place was good – worth keeping in mind. Hash friendly and good makan).

Scribed by Cock Radio.

Hash Trash

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time…..

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.

He was chuffed to bits.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin…

3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it…

I thought to myself, these b*g**rs have lost the plot!!

I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.

Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast ‘The Flintstones’.

A spokesman for the channel said….

‘A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.’

My son’s been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!

B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.

3.1415927 dead.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her scales.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I got some new aftershave today that smells like bread crumbs.

The birds love it!

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.

Husband says to wife ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonight’. 

Wife says, ‘Why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change’.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

The ‘How Can Virginia Slim Find Shiggy in Hougang,’ Run

Hares: Virginia ‘Houdini’Slim & Forced Entry.

Where: Hougang

On On; Coffee Shop over the road.

The Run

My last recollection of Hougang was 10 years ago – HDB Heartlands full of tarmac and high rise. So I had to ask myself when the run site was initially announced, “How can Virginia Slim find shiggy in Hougang?” Especially after a few baking hot days of 35 degrees. Why did I bother to even doubt that this would not be a typical Virginia Slim run full of slime and shiggy?

Thirty seconds into the run, first bit of mud. Couple of minutes later a muddy, slippery steep embankment to go down, which resulted in Shaggy Dick 2 literally showing to us all what he meant by his call of ‘Hole at the bottom.’ He would have completed a cartwheel if it wasn’t for the vine holding his rear leg raised in the air. Did you have Cornflakes for breakfast again Shaggy?

I should mention that it was Forced Entry who guided us off at the beginning of the run – there was no sign of Virginia Slim. Soon we were to find out why.

Emerging from some muddy jungle, we were confronted by a seriously wide and deep canal. And there lying back on the opposite embankment, sipping on a can of Anchor Beer, next to a guide rope, was non other than Virginia Slim.

Into the water we plunged. I use the term ‘water’ rather loosely here. It was actually a cesspool of slime, rubbish, goo, gunk, detergent, viscous fluids of dubious origins, noxious substances, pesticides, chemicals of various sorts, used condoms, and secretions of plant and animal origin.

As the ‘water’ level rose over my high tide water line and began seeping into my bilge, I felt sorry for some of the girls with a lower water line and what this lethal concoction was doing to their Wet Brazilians. In the meantime, Slim stayed on his back, sipping on his Anchor and enjoying proceedings.

On safely crossing the canal, and again I use the word ‘safely’ rather loosely, as the next few days will determine how many runners break out in rashes, sores, festers, fever, or gangrene. One runner even claimed he now had an excuse to blame his STD on.

The run continued on with jungle, mud, bush land that at one stage almost reminded me of Australia, more muddy bits, in and outs, even though he was not even here, and some intelligent checks that kept the pack together. I use the term ‘intelligent’ loosely here, as this is not a word usually synonymous with Virginia Slim. However, he did have Forced Entry as his co hare.

What goes up, must come down. And runners who cross a canal of slime on a Virginia Slim Run, must recross the canal of slime. And there was Slim sitting back on the home side of the canal, but the trail had us heading into the jungle away from the canal. ‘I would not lie to you,’ shouted the Hare from across the canal.

So into the jungle we went, and found ourselves going down into a big drain that fed into the canal for our final crossing. ‘Far canal’ I thought. Getting into the drain was easy for those that followed the whole trail. Those of us that saw a short cut over the railing were faced with a 10 foot drop. I managed to stretch myself out with hands clinging to the railing and landed safely. Posh Nash, being a risk taker, decided to follow. Being the Fire Officer at work, I put my skills to work and told her to jump into my outstretched arms. This she did, and almost landed on Tiger Lily who had taken the safe route and was passing through. Woopsy.

Anyway, after crossing the canal again, we had some more muddy jungle and tricky turns and we were back in the car park in about 50 mins. Apart from those who followed Boo, who missed one of those tricky turns and ended up stranded on the wrong side of the car park. Follow Boo!!

Good run Hares, and I will never doubt Slim again.

The Circle: After copping a free shower, courtesy of a torrential downpour, the GM called her troops to arms under dry conditions.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Not enough canals, not enough slime. Great run, and at short notice.

Tell us about your On On: Coffee Shop down the road. With some free beer.

Next week’s run: Mr. Potato Head, in theory. Several members with good memories doubted this announcement.

Visitors / Returnees: Camel Humper, Vibrator and possibly a few others.

Virgins: Not a place for virgins.

Lipstick: Cock Radio, for going into the water first so as to assist the females, Shaggy Dick 2 and Vibrator. Farcanal!

Tits: Fat Crashing Bastard called in an Engineer, Maggot, an almost good Lawyer, Boo, and a moulder of young impressionable minds, Stiffy. The first 2 are called as witnesses, Stiffy is in trouble. The 2^nd crossing of the canal involved us descending into a drain that formed a tunnel to empty into the big canal. This point was verified by our Engineer as standard drainage practice. However, on arriving at the canal and seeing the front runners wading their way across the sludge pit, Stiffy tried to convince everyone else not to follow them, but to take the tunnel that would lead us safely under the canal to the other side without getting wet. He even yelled out to those in the loosely described ‘Water,’ that ‘You don’t have to get wet.’ Stiffy was then promptly declared to be legally of unsound mind by the almost good Lawyer, and declared to be not a fit person to hold a position of moulding impressionable young minds, especially those that may be aspiring Engineers.

Dick: Father Anus is having a big problem making the Dick come.

Awards – Zilch

AOB:

· Kamala barges into the Circle and demands forcefully that everyone Hush up immediately. ‘But I wasn’t even talking,’said Gypsy. It seems that Zipp can’t quite get her running attire correct – she brought her F#*k Me Shoes for her role as Hash Brew but forget her running shoes for her role as a runner. ‘Well f#*k me,’ is all I can say to that.

· Kamala, having created a deathly silence, remains and calls in Camel Hunter. (Probably she was wishing he was really Kamala Hunter). Anyway, Kamala warned him about the dangers and perils of a Virginia Slim run, and that he should take care and slow down to avoid an injury. To which Kamala Humper replied ‘I want to run fast, I can’t wait for all the old farts.’

· Sneaky Comer appreciated Virginia Slim stepping in at short notice to set the run. However, our Hareline custodian, Posh Nash, will be rather hesitant about slotting his name into any future blank time slots. At the beginning of the run, she inquired what sort of a run could she expect from Slim. Sneaky’s blunt reply was ‘You will get wet.’ As Posh Nash crossed the cesspool the first time and liquid substances not fit for environmental release began seeping into her bilges, she firmly announced, ‘This is the last time this guy ever sets a run.’ So Virginia Slim finally joins Hooray and never has to set a run again.

· Shoe Shopper saw Kamala Hunter going into the toilets at school to change for the run. This then reminded Shaggy Dick 2 of something he had to do too. ‘I must go and put some Vaseline on my thighs,’ he declared. And from here on, the rest of the Circle was not a happy one for poor Shaggy, but it certainly was a gay one.

· I then decided to add my bit – just behind Shaggy on a treacherous muddy descent, he thoughtfully called back, ‘Hole at the bottom.’ Unfortunately for him, at the same time he was steeply descending, his rear leg became entangled and became raised in a vine, allowing all those behind him to verify that there certainly was a hole in the bottom.

· Not Tonight noticed the girls standing under an umbrella at the end of the run. And she noticed the boys standing nearby who were waiting for the girls to come out from under the umbrella and parade their wet T Shirts. Chief judges were Maggot, Sneaky Comer, Fat Crashing Bastard, Camel Jumper, and Handbag.

· Wet Brazilian wonders if Wet & Wild really knows her NZ wines. At a Committee meeting she looked at a bottle of wine, and said yes, it’s one of her favourite whites from NZ. After ¾ of the fabulous wine from NZ had been scoffed and savoured, the GM decided to have a closer look at the label. Yep, product of Australia.

· Vibrator charged Shoe Shopper for her snide remarks about kids being morons. Well, that is the fault of the teachers he reckons. He should have left it at that, because he tried to add a bit more but stuffed it up and so he was given a drink with his co moron, SS.

· Fat Crashing Bastard is thick skinned when it comes to mean and nasty charges, but Big Head went too far. When Big Head injured herself, he inquired if she was ok. She replied, ‘ No, I am not ok, I can’t look at you because it hurts my eyes too much.’ She is the meanest.

· Can Not Kan wants U 2 in, not the group but Slim and Forced Entry. What happened to the ‘I’m too busy to set runs now because I am working,’ excuse. But now he is setting runs left right and centre again. KNC reckons it is the lure of the jungle brothel that Slim can’t resist.

· The GM charged Slim for bringing his own beer.

· Sneaky Comer charged the On Sec for not reading the run reports before she mails them out to everyone.

· Maggot thinks it’s time to lay off the Shaggy gay charges – Kan The Kobra asked him if Shaggy really was gay. This did not make Shaggy happy even.

· Wet Brazilian then goes for Shaggy’s jugular, and makes a big accusation against him. Unfortunately I missed it, but it left Shaggy in utter denial and then speechless, and the Circle was in uproar. Shaggy consults Boo for legal advice.

· Ad Naseum is not happy regarding his rejected offer of umbrella’s to certain people after the run. He then tells us where he plans to stick the umbrellas next time, although this does not sound anatomically possible.

· Shaggy Dick 2 is back in (wow, he is really coming out) for more treatment and also returns fire. Stiffy cops a salvo for making gay comments – while wearing a set of tits.

· By this stage, there is now a 5 metre gap either side of Shaggy.

· Stiff reminds us that there are certain people who you need to be wary of, as anything you say will be used as fodder for the next 30 minutes to humiliate you. Big Head, saying something about ‘ 2 holes in different places,’ with Fat Crashing Bastard running behind you is not a wise move.

And so we retire for the night. And Shaggy retires hurt. Very hurt indeed.

On on to the Coffee Shop over the road. (no need to do a U turn if you are walking)

Scribed by Cock Radio.

Hash Trash

And from the School of Morons-

The following questions were set in last year’s CXC/GCSE examinations

These are responses from 16 year olds

Geography

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?

A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?

A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen)

A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax, the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, O,U, and I.

Q: What is the Fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: What does ‘varicose’ mean?

A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?

A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean Section.’

A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?

A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?

A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

English

Q: Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning

A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word ‘benign’ mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology

Q: What is a turbine?

A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was cooking dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted: ‘Mum, I want a bike for my birthday.’

Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had got into trouble at school and at home. Barry’s mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did.

Barry’s mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Barry.

Barry knew this wasn’t true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 2:

Dear God,

This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Barry.

Barry knew this wasn’t true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.

Your friend,

Barry.

Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.

Barry’s mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad. ‘Just be home in time for dinner,’ his mother said. Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Barry began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I’VE GOT YOUR MUM.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F*%#ING BIKE!!!

The ‘Mexican’ Run

Hares: Maria Jack Off & Don Pedro Slowcum, Lorenzo Leg Over & Catarina Bit On The Side.

End of Springleaf Rd

On On; Penile Alfonzo Extension’s for Carmen Lenny’s Mexican

The Run

90 mm of rain for the afternoon ensured there would be more than one Wet Brazilian tonight. But what does a Wet Mexican entail?

So we gathered, just south of the border, for Mexico’s National Day.

The inevitable T check at the start led to the front runners stuck behind a slow moving single file pack (can there actually be such a thing as a single file pack?) winding it’s way through the jungle. The Hares had assured us that most of the trail had been re-laid, but this section was obviously outside of that reassurance, as not only did the pack lose trail, but the Hare lost her bearings (and marbles).

‘Look for a big field,’ was the only offering of a possible rescue from the Hare. Well, Maggot and myself found a big field, the former going through a hole in the wire fence and the latter climbing over the top and having it collapse under me. Who ate all the pies?

Having found trail out in the middle of the field, we then had to find a woman. Veggie Queen emerged through the newly created gap and sprinted towards us. Only thing was, by the time she got to us she almost collapsed from exhaustion. We managed to crank her up and get her moving again, and back into jungle after negotiating the Circle Check at the end of the field, where eventually the drink stop would be found.

Winding muddy trail eventually led us to the side of the SLE slipway and onto Upper Thompson. Somehow Tiger Lily was allowed to get way ahead, around the back of the shops and houses to a small park. By the time the rest of the pack arrived, she had found a T Check and was checking on a cleared grass way behind houses. Unbeknown to us, the T Check was 150 metres up the canal, and she was checking actually parallel AND forward of it 50 metres away.

Jack Off arrived and directed the Pack, well, everyone except Camel Humper and myself, back across Upper Thompson and into some more jungle. While the pack were directed through a Kampong area by a very helpful Chinese man, who was probably just keen to get this crazy bunch of smelly runners out of his little patch of serenity, Camel Humper and I, after running around in loops still on the other side of Upper Thompson, had to rely on Malfunction and Hooray, who we had stumbled across, for guidance. They were as useful as a bull with tits.

Here is the final loop, as written by Shaggy Dick Too.

We then found a circle check by the traffic lights on Upper Thompson, and a few hashers were thinking that we had finally found the Slocum and  Jack Off mystery trail that had been missed in the last three runs they had set. When the lights turned green everyone ran straight across and found trail. Now I have to say that this was certainly the best loop of the trail, and I really wanted to say that just to piss Cock radio off because he missed it. We ran a nice trail through the bush and past a little kampong settlement where a friendly old chap pointed us in the right direction. We then went under the SLE to find a t check, Open To the Floor shouted at Shaggy Dick Too to "get your arse across the stream pretty damn sharpish and check left", well he couldn’t refuse could he. And there was the trail. A run up a bank to the SLE and then left to follow the SLE to Upper Thompson, the FRBs were actually overtaking traffic on the inside, truly inspiring stuff.

For Camel Humper and myself, who were on our 3^rd Tequila by then, it was a completed a figure 6 course. Oh well, ole ole! The 4th run here in 6 months and I still haven’t completed one of them.

Good run Hares, a good twist, and a bloody good drink stop.

The Circle: Once our police visitors had departed, The GM got it correct and called ‘Form a Circle,’ did we collect guest fees from the Police?

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? This was a good run, something for everyone.

Tell us about your On On: Lenny’s Mexican Fiesta. Penile Extension explained how to get there. He lost me after the first turn right.

Next week’s run: Virginia Slim is setting a run, but has, in his words, ‘no f*#king idea where. ‘Could be somewhere in Hougang. He then consulted Boo for some advice.

Visitors / Returnees: Camel Humper, Belcher, Veggie Queen, Impossible and possibly a few others.

Virgins: Too wet for virgins.

Lipstick: Obviously too wet for lippy too.

At this stage, some of the Committee were hauled in by Stiffy for having a meeting at the back of the Circle. Singaporn, Wet N Wild & Posh Nash. Stiffy won’t stand for any talk while the Circle is on.

Tits: (I really must start writing neater, cause here I am on Saturday afternoon in a coffee shop in Yishun trying to decipher what can only be described as total scrawl and scribble.)

Stiffy has the Tits and gives Wet Wild an honorable mention for something.

He also gave an honorable mention to a female Hare for getting angry, quite possibly when she could not find her own trail.

But the full honors go to Fat Crashing Bastard, who drove himself to the Hash while leaving his wife to ride her bike, in the rain, all the way to the run.

Dick: Father Anus, it seems, is still having a lot of trouble releasing his grip on the Dick at the moment.

Awards – Zilch

AOB:

· Jack Off explained why the police arrived – there had been a complaint from a local resident who had looked out her window and saw 3 semi naked people showering. Well, it wasn’t any of the men, no one would complain about any of our hunky six pack muscle rippling semi naked bodies. In come the culprits for causing outrage of modesty to a female resident – Singaporn, Lost Marbles and Posh Nash. No wonder the birth rate in Singapore is so low if Singaporeans can’t stand to see a semi naked body.

· Fat Crashing Bastard treads on thin ice by charging Too Easy. First she destroyed the car, resulting in him suffering an outburst of anger leading to a domestic tiff. And then she tried to pacify him by wearing a sexy outfit and showing cleavage. So she was riding in the rain, because he had to go and pick up the car, that she had wrecked, from the garage. And it’s him that got the Tits. Life is so unfair.

· Camel Humper also was charged for being mad – he ran to the run from Orchard.

· Mr. Potato Head points out the height difference between himself and Gypsy (Gypsy quite a bit taller). Gypsy had a swing back branch at head height, and called back ‘Trip,’ to Mr. Potato Head who was behind him. Now Gypsy, there is not that much height difference.

· Mexico has a reputation for its toughness. Maggot took a trip at one stage on the run, and while lying prone on the ground face down, was stepped on by a merciless runner. He pulled up the back of his T Shirt to reveal to me a footprint, size 39 Japanese. Calling on my detective skills, and knowledge of Cinderella, I was soon able to track down the heartless villain, none other than the infamous Tiger Lily.

· Wet Brazilian was squelching her way through the mud, when she took a bend a bit fast, lost traction, slipped and ended up with a Muddy Brazilian. But she was shown no respect. Virginia Slim stood there and laughed, resulting in him ending up with a pair of muddy handprints on his shirt. As for Camel Humper, he just turned and ran like a rabbit.

· Slowcum, dutifully manning the drink stop while his wife, who had set the run, set all the T Checks, reset the run, reset all the T checks and was now out sweeping and front running, was taken aback when Singaporn came in and asked for water. Umm, no, this is the Margarita Drink Stop, water is back at the Beer Wagon. Then Mr. Potato Head asks for water too. And others. What is going on with the Hash? Free Margarita’s and people would rather drink water? Well, some people have still got it right. Camel Humper was on his 4^th Margarita by this stage.

· Kamala, at risk of being jumped on by Camel Humper, enters and thanks Leg Over and all the Hares for the Mexican dips after the run.

· Zipp had complaints last week from people getting detergent in their down down beers, but this didn’t stop Wet Brazilian from throwing her water bottle into the detergent bucket in the hope that Zipp would take it home to wash for her.

· Slowcum was setting the run with his co Hares in the jungle when the lightning got a bit frightening. Jack Off suggested they turn back. Slowcum suggested that as they were half way into the jungle, turning and going back would be no shorter than going forward. Leg Over then suggested that they continue on, but stay away from trees. Slowcum suggested that as they were in the middle of jungle, this may be difficult.

· Wet Brazilian suggests that Camel Humper is being affected by alcohol as the flashing red light in his pants has drooped considerably.

· It has been a while since Slowcum has seen a girl spread her legs as quickly as Wet Brazilian did as she attempted to avoid a falling beer.

· Tiger Lily was curious as to why Fat Crashing Bastard was wearing a mask in the jungle. Because he is ugly? Hiding? Stupid? No, it was to avoid the cobwebs.

· Slowcum tells us that it is not so much Mexican Independence Day, but rather Defeat of the French Day. A Singaporn look alike is needed, FCB speaks French. Apparently the French didn’t know they were invading Mexico, they thought it was England.

· What is the date today? It is Startrek Day – May the 4^th be with you.

· Virginia Slim gives the Thursday 400^th run a plug.

· Zipp tells the Associate Members that she does not like to wear F me shoes and that’s that.

On on to Penile Extension for Mex.

Scribed by Cock Radio.

A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. He says, "Mom, look – I’m a white boy!" His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father." He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look Dad, I’m a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your grandmother." The boy goes into his grandmother’s room and say, "Mira, Abuelita, I’m a white boy." His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says, "See, did you learn anything from that?" To which the boy replies, "Sure did! I have only been white for five minutes and I already hate you Mexicans!"

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?" The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch. "What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I’ll take the Mexican."

The ‘Pre Royal Wedding’ Run

Hares: His Highness, Royal Right Tit & King Shaggy Dick of Leicester, The Second.

Car Park next to the Royal House of Long, Upper Thompson Rd.

On On; The Royal House of Long.

Subs for this quarter should now have been paid.

The Run

With the Royal Wedding only 2 days away, it was an honour to have our own piece of royalty here setting the run, none other than His Highness, Royal Right Tit, accompanied by King Shaggy Dick of Leicester, The Second. I wonder which one has the Royal Ring?

After Gyspy finished polishing the Virgin’s running shoes, we were off.

Well, the Hares did a lot of teasing and kept us wondering just when we would finally go into the jungle. We followed the cleared area between the back of houses and the jungle for ages. And ages. Finally we went in, only to be sent out again by a T check.

As the rain came down even heavier, we finally arrived at Venus Drive. Now, finally here was our chance to get into the jungle along the McRitchie Trail. Nope, we went the opposite way and crossed Upper Thompson and into the Sin Ming Estate. A couple of Indians on their push bikes almost ended up in a canal as the Pack charged past them. Some clever little back lanes and clearings eventually brought us back out into Upper Thompson diagonally opposite the Long House for a sprint to home.

1hour, 7kms, 0 National Parks.

The Circle: The former virgin GM, Wet Brazilian, gets the damp gathering together with ‘Form a Circle.’ Well done.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Too dry, not enough lightning, too much National Park, not enough corgis, too many Queens.

Tell us about your On On: The Royal House of Long, international selection of fine food. Note, someone did get rather sick last time we ate here, but no one has died yet.

Next week’s run: The Velcro Twins, end of Springleaf Road. Jack Off kindly asks Thursday reps, Forced Entry and Virginia Slim, to pick up their paper from their run in the same area. Slim asks who would like to come and help him lay paper all over Springleaf next Wednesday morning.

Visitors / Returnees: Camel Humper, Belcher, Veggie Queen, Billy Jean, Numb Nuts, Jurassic Dick, La Boya, Krit, And Posh Duck returning again.

Virgins: 2 – Azean, Arena. The Virgins take considerable time to do the deed with their down down, prompting Gypsy to declare ‘No wonder they’re virgins.’

Lipstick: Hand Bag, Cock Radio and Camel Humper.

Tits: Shoe Shopper is looking rather voluptuous tonight – ‘Aren’t I always?’ she asks and comes in. When examining her new state of the art, multi coloured, aerodynamic, streamlined lycra triathlon suit, it was taken from her by Stiffy who went straight for the crutch, giving it a full examination and sniff. Crutch approved. Take the Tits for that.

Dick: Father Anus, it seems, is having a lot of trouble releasing his grip on the Dick at the moment.

Awards – Zilch

AOB:

· Hoo Ray, who has been in better charging form than a raging bull lately, calls in the 2 front runners, Tiger Lily and Camel Humper, for not completing the full trail but claiming they did. Despicable.

· Kan Not Kan wants Hoo Ray and an English teacher, Shaggy Dick will do despite him being a maths teacher. Hoo Ray mentioned the front runners failed to take ‘an overhead bridge across the road.’ He asks our English expert, ‘is there any other sort of bridge besides one that goes over the road? If it went under the road, it would be an underpass, correct?’ Correct verifies SD2, so speek gooder Engrish Who Ray. [Editor’s note: please refer to http://www.goodenglish.org.sg/].

· Stiffy was taking his empty water bottle to the trash bag, but was told by Zipp that he should take it away and recycle it. Yes, a good greenie point. ‘What, take it away and piss in it and drink instead of a getting a new water?’ exclaims Stiffy, who obviously saw a yellow side to this green issue. Here’s to NeWater, he ought to be publicly pissed on…

· Maggot was honoured to receive a Hash award recently for setting the wettest run, along with his fellow Aussies. The pair of shorts was good, but just a little tight on his 85kg frame. Maybe his petite 45kg, size 8 Asian wife would fit into them? Mmm, no, just a tad little small on her as well. Ok, perhaps they will fit his 8 year old son? So Maggot produces a photo of Little Maggot looking resplendent in a pair of Harriet’s shorts, complete with ‘Wettest Run of the Year 2010-11’ printed on them. Well, it was the ‘wettest run,’ perhaps they shrunk.

· Hand Bag has just recovered from his down down 5 minutes, finally getting the taste of the hash cup cleaning fluid from his mouth. I wonder if he gargled with Stiffy’s recycled NeWater? That would certainly kill everything nasty.

· Belcher has had something brewing inside him for a while, since the English teacher charge, and decides it’s time to let it out. He knows that teachers are struggling in the UK and Oz, but now the Japanese teachers have a problem too. It was something about Tiger Lily not understanding the mass x gravity formula for running up hills. Ah, that explains why I was going backwards.

· Tiger Lily was told by Hand Bag that Shoe Shopper can’t speak English at all. Actually, Hand Bag, who can be a tad difficult to understand, didn’t actually say that. What he said was ‘…’ Ah, stuffed if I know what he said.

· King Shaggy Dick the Second asks Sneaky Comer if he was boxing last night? Yes, he was. And did you get knocked out? Yes, he did. Was it a woman you were playing against? Yes, it was. In the red corner was Wet N Wild who delivered a knockout punch to her husband. Oh boy, play stations are fun.

· Not Tonight noticed Camel Humper sucking on breath mints. Was he after a hot date? Who was he standing next to? The 2 Hares were either side of him. Here’s to gay boys.

· Shoe Shopper does some quizzing on Maggot’s son’s age – are you sure he’s only 8 she asks? Maggot reflects for a moment, then says ‘Oh shit, he had his 9^th Birthday last year.’ Shopper then checks if Maggot knows his son’s name? ‘Boy,’ was the reply.

· The GM brings Stiffy in, holding an umbrella. Stiffy had his arm in a sling all week at work, but somehow has made a quick recovery tonight.

· Cock Radio patiently waited while a visitor extracted a very nasty prickly branch from his shirt. And my patience was rewarded by a swing back to the face when he finally released himself from the prickles. Thanks.

· Sneaky Comer noticed that one of the virgins was dressed well, in Hash gear. Well done Uncle Jonathon. But the other virgin was dressed in nice shiny running shoes and a white running top, very appropriate for tonight’s weather. Not so well done, husband of virgin.

· Hand Bag thanks the Hares for all the wet T shirt opportunities.

· The GM gets in all the Royal Subjects, including Prince Harry.

On on to the Royal House of Long. (after consuming a rather fiery laska, it was confirmed that King Shaggy of Leicester had the Royal Ring the next morning).

Scribed by Cock Radio.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. ‘Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?’

When Mary Margaret didn’t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

‘God Almighty!’ shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, ‘Very good’ and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, ‘Who is our Lord and Savior?’

But Mary didn’t stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

‘Jesus Christ!!!’ shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, ‘Very good,’ and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question…’What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?’

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, ‘If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your arse!’

The nun fainted.

The ‘Anzac’ Run

Hares: Cock Radio, Sneaky Comer

Bukit Browne Cemetery

On On; On site Lenny’s Chilli Con Carne, with the vegetarian option

ANOTHER GENTLE REMINDER – SUBS ARE NOW DUE. PLEASE PAY TO STIFFENER or FORCED ENTRY

The Run

Our new GM gets us off to a good start by calling ‘Form a Circle.’ Obviously Wet Brazilian has been taking lessons from the previous GM, who couldn’t get it right after 12 months. Finally we gather round.

After telling everyone this will be the run of the year so far for the new Committee, the Hares sent everyone out the gates for a Circle Check. Ad Nauseum buddied up with me and tried to get me to tell him that it had to be on back into the cemetery. No way, I’m not talking. Unless you sling me a few free beers of course.

On back into the cemetery it was, of course, where a multitude of previous Hash trails were merged together to form what the Hares thought was a pretty good run. After a number of previous injuries here, runners where kept fairly much on trails rather than grave dodging.

The stream was at a minor flood level following the afternoon rain, leading to more than one Wet Brazilian finishing the run. Tiger Lily complained that this was the Wednesday Hash, and the women don’t like to get their women things wet.

The water must have interfered with Tiger Lily’s navigation system (there’s a new name for it), as at the Circle check immediately on leaving the stream, she checked more than 100 metres to find trail. This put paid to the Hares theory that she would only check 45 metres before turning back and racing the opposite way calling ‘Are you?’

Back into the cemetery for a few more familiar trails, eventually leading to what Sneaky Comer has named ‘Hobbit Hill,’ as it looks like a part of a scene where they filmed Lord of the Rings in NZ. Well, I know he hadn’t been drinking but I wouldn’t mind a bit of whatever he was smoking. The closest thing I saw Bilbo Baggins were 2 Indian soldier statues guarding a Chinese grave 100 metres back.

More bits of rehashed trail, leading to the little stream with the market garden and shack, and out onto the trail with the Mean Dogs Shack. Whatever happened to The Love Shack? A final Circle just beyond reach of the dogs held the Pack up nicely. Through the trees and back onto home trail to the side of the car park.

Tiger Lily was running in front with Heath, who had been trying to impress her by bouncing his balls next to her while balancing a camel on his back. Unfortunately they were mistakenly sent up a wrong trail by one of the Hares, allowing the other front runners to sneak past them before they were called back by the Hare on realizing his careless mistake. Sorry about that chief.

Front runners back in 50 mins, the rest of the Pack in 1 hour. Not sure of distance, but Kan Not Kan, according to his GPS, somehow managed to cross over himself. If we didn’t know KNK better, we may have suspected it was a faulty GPS.

The Circle: For the first time, virgin GM Wet Brazilian gets the large gathering together with a variety of calls. ‘Form a gathering,’ ‘Gather a Circle,’ ‘Circle round,’ ‘Round a Circle.’

However, what finally grabs our attention was when one of the males yelled out ‘Hey, the GM’s got cleavage and F#*k Me Shoes!’

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Doesn’t matter what you say when the Hare is also the scribe. The best ever run for this committee. Hard for other Hares to maintain this standard. Might as well call it run of the year now to take the pressure off the rest of you.

Tell us about your On On: Lenny’s chilli con carne, Oz style. (Made from kangaroo). Vegetarian option, chilli con carne, NZ style (made from kiwi).

Next week’s run: Shaggy Dick Too, Right Royal Tit, cp next to the Long House.

Visitors / Returnees: Heath, Belcher, Lost Asshole, Veggie Queen (hope she likes kiwi?), Bang Bang, Bagless 2, YBF, Stiff, Krit, King Lear. And Posh Duck returning.

Virgins: nope.

Lipstick: Heath for running in front of Tiger Lily while bouncing his balls.

‘Respect for the old lady’ shouts Boo as the new GM tries to get the vocal Circle to listen to her. Well, Wet Brazilian is not standing for being called an old lady, and asserts her authority by calling the old Chinaman in for a drink. Take that Boo.

Tits: Stiff walks in rather stiffly, due to a cut on his foot. (Obviously feels that his wife has received enough sympathy after her fall off the roof). Well, a ‘slimeball’ he was called for some reason by Shoe Shopper. Yes, the same Shoe Shopper who left her car full of Hash bags and valuables completely unlocked while she did the run. Titally irresponsible.

Dick: Father Anus, wildly waving the Dick around, complains about the level of Hash singing, and the fact that we only have 3 songs. (Someone said that given the average age of members, we are incapable of remembering the words to more than 3 songs). He then attempted to charge someone, but the Circle was quickly hijacked by Virginia Slim (not Slimeball Stiff) who sang Father Anus a song, resulting in Father Anus maintaining the Dick.

Awards – Zilch

AOB:

· Stiffy gets the virgin GM in and asks her to inject some vitality and novelty into the Circle. (Stiffy shutting up while the Circle is on and not whinging would be a novelty). ‘Do something different.’ he said. ‘Like show some leg,’ was one suggestion, and this led to a reply ‘No, she’s too old for that.’ (Was that Boo again?)

· Cock Radio informs the Circle of significance of the Anzacs – Australian New Zealand Army Corps. A day to remember the fallen soldiers. A day to forget the stuff up by the British command that landed soldiers on the wrong beach at Gallipoli on April 25^th 1915. A day to remember 3 of our British runners who have fallen at this run site in recent times. Wet Patch who tripped on a grave and while splattered on the ground was told to‘ Get up you f*#king old woman,’ by his soon to be wife. Mr. Potato Head who fell into a grave and did his ankle. And last Friday it was Shaggy Dick Too who came to grief and ended up splattered on the ground after stubbing his toe. So here’s to our fallen comrades.

· Sneaky Comer reminds us that the Kiwis try to take the credit for a lot of things that are Australian, like Russell Crowe, Split Enz, Crowded House, pavlova, sheep shagging etc. But now they have gone too far – they are claiming the good old Aussie thong (rubber flip flops for the ignorant ones) as their own invention. Being a risk taker, he calls in the only Kiwi here, his wife Wet N Wild. She tried to counter attack but was drowned out by barrage of ‘Baa’s.

· Shoe Shopper complains to the Hares about the cuisine selected for tonight’s run. Where are the Anzac biscuits? Vegemite sandwiches? Kiwi fruit? Lamb? Beef? Instead we are having chilli con carne – how Australian / NZ is that? Umm, it’s made with wombat mince?

· Father Anus gives Cock Radio a quiz question, asking me the date of the Anzac landing. Quick as a flash, my reply ‘April 25 1915.’ So Father Anus, 3, 2, 1, drink it down.

· Fat Crashing Bastard had a memorable night last Friday at the Rock & Roots night, featuring Bob Dylan. It was such a riveting night that the organisers had to get in a special performer to get the crowd going. The highlight of the night that got the most crowd response was our very own Right Royal Tit, who was seen dancing, prancing, strutting and gyrating up on stage. Yes, the answer my friend, is dancing on the stage, the answer is up there on the stage.

· Wet Brazilian brings in the old former old committee and thanks them for their efforts. Yes, thanks all, well done.

· Cock Radio tells how in the old days in Oz, the swagmen used to wander the countryside looking for work with their swag (pack) strung over their shoulder. It was known as humping their swag. Well Heath has been carrying something over his shoulder on our runs, namely a camel pack. So he is a camel humper, correct? And so the new GM, on her first night, gets to do a naming, and Heath will now forever be known as Camel Humper. (Can’t wait for Kamala to hear this)

· SD2 announced his run next week earlier in the Circle, and was then immediately approached by Posh Nash with her Hareline asking him if he could set a run soon. How soon is next week?

· SD2 also reminds us that next Friday is the Royal Wedding in England. And we have our own royalty at next weeks run, Right Royal Tit.

· But Posh Nash is not finished with yet. Shoe Shopper was asked by Posh Nash, not more than 5 seconds after she had spoke to SD2, if she could set a run soon. Umm, who set last week’s run? I will give you a clue – the On On was at Shoe Shoppers House.

· Kan Not Can gets the trifecta on Posh Nash. She asked him if he could set a run in July, but he helping out with Kan The Kobra’s run the following week. ‘You’re kidding me,’ was Posh Nash’s response.

· And Mr. Potato Head gets the Posh Nash Quadrella. Could he set a run on May 11^th? ‘Sorry, doing a run for Lion City the same week,’ was his reply. ‘Do the same run then,’ says an exasperated Posh Nash.

· Hooray mentions the JP Morgan run tomorrow. The only eligible corporate high flyer we have running is Big Head.

· Zipp calls in a slime person who keeps shining his torch on her shiny shoes to get a reflection up her skirt. I have a feeling slime person was Father Anus.

On on to the Lenny’s chili con carne.

Scribed by Cock Radio.

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.   The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke,’ and turns to the emu, ‘What’s yours?’
‘Sounds great, I’ll have the same,’ says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be $9.40  please,’ and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke.’
The emu says, ‘ Sounds great, I’ll have the same.’
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?’ asks the waitress.
‘No, it’s Friday night, so I’ll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the man.
‘ Same for me,’ says the emu. 
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?’ 
‘Well, love’ says the  truckie, ‘a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’
‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!’ 
‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.’ says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, ‘What’s with the bloody emu?’ 
The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

The ‘AGM’ Run

Hares: Shoe Shopper, Committee & friends.

Mt. Sinai Rise

On On; On site at the House of Shoe Shopper, Lenny’s chicken and salmon in filo pastry, salads and other delights.

ANOTHER GENTLE REMINDER – SUBS ARE NOW DUE. PLEASE PAY TO SINGAPORN OR WET PET. The new Hash Cash! And now would be a good time to check the hareline for runs you are/should be setting J

The Run

At 6.05, the soon to be ex GM tells us to form a Circle. You would think by now she would know how to say ‘Gather round.’ And that she would know what time a 6.00 run starts.

Down the canal to the junction of Clementi and Ulu Pandan. Overhead bridge into the jungle? Nope, back we come, up the road 200 meteres only to cross back again at the lights. Along the back of a fence line which I had not seen before – is there such a thing as a virgin fence?

Into the jungle and onto what looked like a nice path. Nope, too nice, back out to Old Holland Rd.

Shaggy Dick 2 found trail next to the Malay Railway Line, and drew a line that no one could cross till he got a woman. Little did he know that Kan The Kobra and a posse of other walking gals were hiding behind a bush 10 metres in front of him. On On!

Through the streets and out to Holland Rd. Interesting. Across Holland Rd and into a side street. More interesting. Stuck behind Stiff and Rob With Knob talking about being in debt. Not so interesting, so I put on a burst of speed, overtake them and thus got out of debt.

A remote little drain leads us to a bigger drain where there is a Circle Check. Very interseting. I checked the drain through the tunnel. Extremely interesting. Especially the little steps planted at regular intervals which were impossible to see in the dark. A virgin tunnel?

I discovered paper in the drain the other side of the tunnel. On on Need a woman was the call, and we got Twin Towers. A rather draining run for the next 5 minutes, but luckily we had Twin Towers to entertain us.

The end of the drain delivered us into the Grove Rd area. Wherever the f#*k is that, I thought. Circle Check.

My checking led me to the canal, that is the big big canal that leads back to the beer wagon. And so to the tune of ‘Take me home, Country Road:’

‘Take me home,

Urban Drain,

To the place I belong,

Carlsberg Beer,

Full of cheer,

Take me home,

Urban Drain.’

So direct to home I went, accompanied by Heath, while the rest of the Pack floundered around looking for trail.

Anyway, everyone was back, by a variety of routes, for a drink in an hour or less.

The Circle: For the last time, Shoe Shopper calls ‘Form a Circle,’ and for one last time no one takes any notice of her.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Good run, get a new Committee, very draining.

Tell us about your On On: Lenny’s chicken and salmon feast, free for members, drinks thrown in. Great run!

Next week’s run: Sneaky Comer and Cock Radio confer in the Circle and decide that Bukit Browne will do. Anzac Run. Shaggy Dick 2 immediately draws attention to the irony of having the Anzac Run in a cemetery. Mmm. We will gravely think about this.

Visitors / Returnees: Yep there were. Apart from Rob The Knob, I can’t remember who else.

Virgins: Virgin drain?

Lipstick: Cock Radio, Boo, Heath, Rob The Knob.

Tits: Despite my notes saying that Wet Brazilian got the Tits last week, it is Zipp that comes in with a pair and commences her charge in Bahasa. Apa?

Anyway, she saw a male Hasher lifting up his top during the run and flashing his tits. Stiff. And Stiffener takes them for him while he continues his phone call.

Dick: Father Anus, but he has not arrived yet, so he still has his hand on it.

Awards – Tiger Lily, 100 runs and she puts it on, but without taking off anything. Aww fudge.

ANNUAL AWARDS: congratulations to nominees and winners:

Best Run: Too Easy, Stiffener, Quickie, and Boo
Nominees:
#1943, 15 September 2010	Bukit Brown	Ad Nauseum and Ugly Bum
#1946, 6 October 2010	Jalan Mashhor	Shaggy Dick Too and Right Royal Tit
#1966, 23 February 2011	Cactus Drive	Too Easy, Stiffener, Quickie, and Boo
Best On On: Shoe Shopper and Wet Patch
Nominees:
#1940, 25 August 2010	Mt Sinai Rise	Shoe Shopper and Wet Patch
#1951, 10 November 2010	Hindhede Walk	Twin Towers, Zipp, Comes Quietly and Gypsy
#1957, 22 December 2010	Teacher’s Union	Big Head and Virginia Slim
Best Drink Stop: Too Easy, Stiffener, Quickie, and Boo
Nominees:
#1941, 1 September 2010	Yishun Ave 1	Lethal Weapon and Father Anus (Shooting Star)
#1951, 10 November 2010	Lorong Sesuai	Twin Towers, Zipp, Comes Quietly and Gypsy
#1966, 23 February 2011	Cactus Drive	Too Easy, Stiffener, Quickie, and Boo
Longest Run: Hooray
Nominees:
#1947, 13 October 2010	Farrer Park MRT	Hooray
#1953, 24 November 2010	Chinese Garden	Wet Brazilian, Posh Nash, and Stiffy
#1956, 15 December 2010	Fort Canning	Mr Potato Head
Wettest Run: Cock Radio, Maggot, and Sneaky Comer
Nominees:
#1959, 5 January 2011	Springleaf Road	Cuntfused, Jackoff, Sex Change and Slocum
#1960, 12 January 2011	Tagore Drive	Virginia Slim
#1962, 26 January 2011	Bukit Brown	Cock Radio, Maggot, and Sneaky Comer
Most Creative (Trickiest) Run: Ad Nauseum and Ugly Bu
Nominees:
#1927, 26 May 2010	Gambas Crescent	Cock Radio and Virginia Slim
#1943, 15 September 2010	Bukit Brown	Ad Nauseum and Ugly Bum
#1963, 2 February 2011	Pepys Road	Mother’s Tongue, Slippery Bum and Jana
Most Confusing Run: Tiger Lily
Nominees:
#1929, 9 June 2010	Labrador Park	Singaporn and Father Anus
#1954, 1 December 2010	Eng Kong Park	Tiger Lily
Harriets Hero: Sneaky Comer
Nominees:
Virginia Slim
Cock Radio
Sneaky Comer
Harriet of the Year: Stiffener
Nominees:
Loose Change
Suzee Wong
Stiffener

On on to the AGM go the girls, while the boys stay and have a beer and came up with the following;

Scribed by Cock Radio.

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE‏

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ . that will bring on a ‘whatever’).

(8) Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying F– YOU!

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to # 3.

The ‘Not So Handy’ Run

Hares: Hand Bag

Pasir Ris, downtown

On On: Mr Hoe’s meat pies

A GENTLE REMINDER – SUBS ARE NOW DUE. PLEASE PAY TO SINGAPORN OR WET PET.

Singapore. The Far East. A land based on free trade and opportunity, encouraged by the leadership of Sir Stamford Raffles and the Dutch East Indies Trading Company. Where The Four Trade Winds brought traders to deal in spices, tea, opium, silk and other oriental delights, establishing a free port, the Jewel of the East, attracting people from all over the world in search of a better life.

Which brings us to tonight’s run. Pasir Ris, the Far East of Singapore, for most Harriet’s. And while there is no opium these days, we do love our Hash and there is plenty of spice and certainly other oriental delights to be had. (I do not include Mr Hoe’s meat pies as an oriental delight.)

The Run

Well, you have to hand it to Handbag, he handles this run site well, despite it not being so handy to get to, except for the handful of runners living way out east.

At 6.05 the question was asked, ‘What time does a 6 o’clock run start?’ It then dawned that Shoe Shopper was not here, so Zipp quickly gathered everyone around.

Handbag soon had the Pack searching left, right and centre at the first check, while some decided to stir up a dog in a condo instead. Down to Handbag’s condo and into the jungle. Seeing it was about to go single file, I conveniently let Sex In The Circle go in front of me – it was much better to be behind her bum than Maggot’s.

Soon we were transversing the stream with a rather deep embankment for the first time, only to have to recross 2 minutes later on finding a T Check the other side. We then proceeded to cross the stream by various means another 6 or 7 times.

Various methods were trialled in getting to the other side without immersing one’s body into the water. There was the standard long jump approach for those with longer limbs, there was the standing long jump approach for the hesitant ones, the just stand there looking and scratch the head approach for the very hesitant ones, the bum scramble down the embankment, try and find a stepping stone across the water and then wonder how the hell to get up the opposite embankment approach, and then there was the ‘I’m not f#*#king going across there,’ approach adopted by Stiffy.

At one stage, a tree trunk offered a bridge solution to cross the stream. Once again, a variety of styles was used. The ballerinas and circus performers tippy toed across without faltering. These tended to be females. Then there were those with more bravado than style and balance. These tended to be males.

Amongst this group was Last Minute Dot Com, who managed to sway, swagger and stumble his way across the log to within what he believed was jumping distance of firm ground, as indicated by the long grass on the other side. So jump onto the long grass he did, only to discover that the long grass was in fact very long grass. So long in fact that it extended from the bottom of the stream some 5 metres below. And that is exactly where Last Minute Dot Com ended up.

Having seen this disaster, some of the would be bravado type males decided to reduce their bravado level a notch or two. Shaggy Dick 2 straddled the log with legs either side and did a bum shuffle across. Some males, including myself, on watching him decided that ringing the boss the next day to say that you won’t be in for work as you are in Singapore General Hospital having splinters removed from your testicles was not the way to go. And I don’t care how pretty the Singapore nurses are SD2, there must be better ways to get a sponge bath. I opted for the side saddle bum shuffle method instead.

Anyway, we finally emerged from the jungle, and that bloody stream, to find a Circle Check. Well, Wet Patch and I knew exactly where we were, having been in this same position a few weeks ago on Hand Bag’s Friday run. So across the road and into jungle on the far side we searched, thus confirming that tonight we would be doing a clockwise loop.

But no, ‘On On’ was called in the opposite direction, thus making it an anti clockwise run. You tricky dicky Handle Bag.

Wet Patch managed one more total stuff up at the next check before we moved into the Loyang Industrial Estate. However, the biggest stuff up at a check was yet to come, this time by a rank outsider at odds of 40 – 1.

The rest of us pretty well found our way through the estate to the canal, across and through the low tide muddy mangroves back into Pasir Ris Park. It was a rather excited Too Easy who led a testosterone fueled pack of males in – she was quoted as saying ‘You guys have made my heart rate go through the roof.’ The front pack back in a bit under an hour. 6.4 km.

However, back to the ‘Biggest stuff up at a Check of the night,’ award.

In the bowels of the Loyang Industrial Estate, Maggot checked at a Circle and went straight on for a long, long way. He had reached the dreaded ‘Point of No Return’ when he heard the ‘On back,’ call.

In an effort to outsmart the Hares, and the rest of the Pack, he decided to run on and cut up the next street instead of going all the way back. Nice in theory, but the next street was a dead end. Back to the original street, he headed to the traffic lights. Nice in theory, but the street was going in the wrong direction.

Ok, don’t panic, head towards the sea and come back along the beach to Pasir Ris Park. Nice in theory, but a naval base / shipyard restricted area with security guards put an end to that.

Maggot back in 1 hour 30 minutes, 10.2 km. And he complains to the Hare that it was a bit long for a Wednesday Run.

The Circle: Zipp pulls everyone into line and asserts her authority.

Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? A handy run, not enough stream crossings, black shiggy could have been closer to the finish. Good handy run, well done.

Tell us about your On On: Mr. Hoe’s beef pies, mushy peas and potato. (No head with the potato) and a bit of salad thrown in.

Next week’s run: AGM, Mt Sinai Rise, on site with Lenny.

Visitors / Returnees: Wee Willy, Foreplay, Bimbo, Sex In The City, Mike, Heath, Mosquito, Caicra, Peter, Last Minute Dot Com.

Virgins: Zsolt

Lipstick: Cock Radio, Mossie, Zsolt

Tits: Hand Bag has his hands full, with the Tits and the Dick. There were lots of walkers tonight, but there was one group who made a point of not wanting to get their shoes dirty. Kan The Cobra, Deep Throat and Wet Brazilian. And Wet Brazilian gets the vote. And a nice pair of Tits as well.

Dick: Having had only female candidates for the Tits, Hand Bag goes for an all male line up for the Dick – 2 males who did not complete the run. But not only did he not complete the run, but Father Anus misled a group of women as well. Take the Dick and don’t mislead it.

Awards – nope

AOB

· Zipp was told by Mosquito that he comes to the Hash for intelligent conversation. Obviously he’s been sniffing too much insect repellant. Now buzz off.

· Boo informs us that Hooray lost his trousers. In comes Hooray with a towel around his waste. ‘Let the wind blow high, let the wind blow low, Hooray, where’s your trousers?’

· Hand Bag reckons that Silence of the Lambs is a pretty scary movie, but not nearly as scary as Bimbo’s flashing red lights he is wearing around his head.

· Hand Bag was heard asking Zipp if she wanted a date, but she replied that she was happily married. In fact Hand Bag asked a lot of people, males as well, if they wanted a date.

· Bimbo announced that we should be reading The Hash magazine.

· Gypsy asked for Sex In The Circle, which raised a few eyebrows, especially Zipp’s. He then qualified himself and asked for Sex In The City. It is pointed out that she is married to Ice, an old friend of the Harriet’s.

· Hash Brew was subsequently charged by Sex In The City for giving her a water down down. Stiffener argues that she had asked for a watered down beer. SITC argues back that there was too much water and not enough beer. Oh my gals, step out the back and sort it.

· The Sydney Gay Hash Members are invited in. Hang on, they are a male/female couple. Oh well, they do look happy anyway, even if they are not gay.

· Not Tonight charges Stiffy for being so gullible and believing something about gay dress. If only he would just listen more instead of talking during the Circle.

· Wet Brazilian was one of the females Father Anus led astray. Arriving late, she tagged on with Father Anus, whom she believed to have lots of inside knowledge on the terrain out here. He convinces her to go straight on through a T check because trail will come out just a bit further on and they will be taking a huge short cut. Well, they spent the next 30 minutes lost in the jungle and never saw trail again. Nice one Father Anus.

· Deep Throat asked Twin Towers why she was not running. Her answer was she had a bit of an injury and did not want to end up running like Cock Radio. (No one can run like me –CR)

· Fat Crashing Bastard charges Heath for carrying a camel pack all the way around the Run, thus showing up National Servicemen who get their maids to carry their backpack for them.

· Mossie reminds us that our GM is missing tonight, but we do have a visiting GM with us – Sex In The City, GM Bangkok Harriet’s. And how long has she been GM? Umm, 1 week. 1 week as GM and she is missing in action already. One GM drinks, all GM’s drink.

· Bimbo finishes with a charge on Boo the General, Maid in Singapore. (I was distracted by his scary flashing red lights)

On on to Mr. Hoe’s mushy pies and beef potato with pea salad.

Scribed by Cock Radio.

Ear Infection

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?

There’s something wrong with my dick’, he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, ‘You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ‘

‘Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ he said.

The Receptionist replied; ‘Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.’

‘The man replied, ‘You shouldn’t ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.’

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered..

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’

‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. ‘And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?’

‘I can’t piss out of it,’ he replied.