Singapore Hash House Harriets

National Day Run

Boo, Quickie, and Father Anus

Cactus Drive

SH3 – Run 1937 Circle Report by Wet Patch

“I’m guilty, I don’t really read the reports that often” – Wet Thong

Thus encouraged, I readily agreed to the GM’s request to scribe.

An excellent run covered in exactly one hour by the FRBs whilst Wet ‘n’ Ready brought home a group of 8 at around quarter to eight; her excuse being that she hadn’t run for a couple of months – one had to wonder how long it had been for the others… Desperation arrived at 7.55 and was told that it was too late to pay guest fees but it was nice to see her again.

The GM called us to circle at 7.59 (not a moment too soon) and the hares were brought in to cries of ‘Good Run’ – thanks once again Boo and Father Anus. On On was next door with the usual Chinese fare for S$12. Here’s to the hares

Next week’s run: Cock Radio at Sembawang Park.

Lipstick: Shirley Temple. ‘You are a naughty boy, aren’t you! said the GM

Visitors: Too numerous to mention all but guest fees gratefully received. A motley crew indeed – why were they born so beautiful. Desperation came is as a returnee and was duly greeted by the usual refrain for being well endowed.

Dick n Tits MIA but hope to be back next week.

AOB

Boo charges Stiffy for having no colour sense on the National Day run. The green shirt is not a shit colour but a timely reminder that Singapore now has a global outlook (red, blue and now green giving it the full spectrum of light ).

Virginia Slim reminded us that green was considered for the flag but was felt to be too Islamic. Singaporeans then atoned for this by having their anthem in Malay. All citizens please be upstanding for Majulah Singapura.

Handbag requested that 3 Singaporeans modify their travelling behaviour (Boo, Quickie, Father Anus). Can pedestrians please use the pavements provided; can the cyclists not ride on the wrong side of the road; would all drivers please turn off their fog lights – there isn’t any fog in Singapore.

Not Tonight observed that Stiff and Stiffy were in intense conversation when the former lunged towards the latter’s shorts and pulled out……a banana. “How big was it?” wondered the GM.

Jack-Off was watching Shirley temple struggling with his briefs after showering and couldn’t get into them – ST claimed he grabbed the wrong briefs. He’s all right….

Bloodshit enjoyed the competition of Jig-a-Jig, King Lear and Phoney Dick on the hash and they duly led the pack with their blinding speed. Just before the finish, however, they were caught by those shortcutting bastards, Tiger Lily and Shirley Temple. Here’s to the athletes.

Bullet head noted that this might be the first time we’ve had three generations on the hash – on in Matriach Kamala.

Slocum call in Jack Off and Shirley temple (who now was looking a bit pissed) and noted that she said “it’s not very big” which Slocum thought was a bit rude until he realised she was talking about the shower….

Stiffy Double Back arrived without her own shoes – perhaps feeling a little relived until Quickie offered hers. Oh f**k. She ought to be….

Phoney Dick Why hadn’t DB learned to speak properly on her holidays?

Handbag called in Kamala’s descendants for getting lost so close to home.

Stiffy calls in the 55+ generation noting that those who were still working lost two years lifespan for every additional year worked – according to this news report. (So you should be dead by now Stiffy?).

Kamala noted that Bullet Head was a true gentleman looking after 5 ladies on the run – what has he got cos’ the rest of the boys all want some (I’m not shaving my head).

Hoo Ray reminded us that it was not 9/8 but 4/8 so we should be celebrating International men’s Day. Handbag noted it was also Gay Pride day.

Father Anus noted that Tiger Lily breaks all the checks in a rather unconventional manner (we haven’t noticed her breaking any checks, have we?). She does it by putting down perfume…..hmmm!

The GM brought the circle to a close at 8.31 PM.

Kan the Kobra Birthday Run

Harding Lane

Circle Report by Deep Throat

Visitors Down Down

Run Verdict: Mixed Opinion – too long, too short, too hilly, too muddy but finally all agreed that it was a Good Run

Next Weeks Run : Cactus Road, National Day Run by Boo, Quickie & Father Anus.

LipStick for Bill, Ed & Bullet Head

Tits : Not around

Dick: Not available

AOBs by:

GM Shoe Shopper to Father Anus for commenting that he misses her unique voice

Wet Pet to Croc Hunter for asking her for direction and then drove off without offering her a lift to the run site.

Legolas to our beer man (croc hunter’s partner in crime) Legolas got bitten by mosquitos and he offered her some medicine. She suggested naming him Medicine Man

GM Shoe Shopper perfumed the Naming Ceremony for our beer man now known as Medicine Man

More AOBs

Mother Tongue to Icibawasan and Kan the Cobra : something about showing her a zig zag route, everything was lost in translation (I will need 5 pieces of paper to write this charge)

Deep Throat to Mother Tongue : for the long story she told in the earlier charge and to keep her future charge story to no more than 3 sentences.

Tiger Lily to Deep Throat : For telling her that I can only swallow if it is hard. ( thanks Tiger lily for twisting that story!)

Wet Patch to Shoe Shopper : For asking a dumb question: where does nest lives while they were visiting Loch Ness, Scotland. Loch Ness of course!

Kannot Kan to Tiger Lily,Shoe Shopper , Ad Nauseum & Wet Patch for asking him for directions when he is not the hare.

Not Tonight to Kannot Kan for shouting on on in the wrong direction.

Shoe Shopper to Kan the Cobra : Happy Birthday to Kan the Cobra

Legolas to Michelle aka O.T.T F for coming in 3rd out of 72hashers in the ball breakers run.

The circle ends with the call from GM Shoe shopper to sing a farewell song for Legolas

This run was at Lorong Sesuai by Legolas and Lethal Weapon, but we have not received a circle report.

The “I Was Having More Fun Three Years Ago” Run

Wet ‘n Wild & Sneaky Comer.

The Far East (Pasir Ris Heavy Vehicle Car Park).

The Run

Quite a small group gathered this evening. Could it be due to school holidays taking many of our members away. Or was it just that Pasir Ris is a f^&cking long way from Bukit Timah Road? Stand-in GM Big Head sent the small pack off to the corner of the car park, where a circle check had 90% of the pack standing around chatting. Eventually the on was found on the corner of Pasir Ris Farmway 2. Over the fence to one of the tiny bits of “forest” left in Pasir Ris to another circle check that had regular attendees checking left. But no, it was back to the road, across the canal, and mass confusion as clumps of Monday paper all over the place had a few confused. With a bit of help from the hares, it was down along another overgrown canal to Pasir Ris Farmway 1. There a circle check was quickly solved and it was down to the beach. More Monday paper and front runners who can’t see lead the FRB’s left onto Monday’s trail, while the rest of the pack saw the T-check on the beach and headed back into Pasir Ris Park. Through the park and up to car park F where a final circle confounded the few people checking until on was finally called in the forest next to Pasir Ris Heights. A last bit of pseudo forest until the pack emerged on Pasir Ris Heights and then on home via Pasir Ris Drive 3 and the canal.

Where’s the GM? The GM is still away so Big Head called the circle to attention at 7:40pm.

Crikey, what did we think of that for a run? “Good Run” and lots of other rude comments I didn’t manage to write down.

Stiffy’s Hash Maths. Not present, but the hare’s calculations were about 6km.

Tell us about your on on mate. Summer Nite Breeze Restaurant, Car Park E, Pasir Ris Park.

Well what about next week? Legolas and Lethal Weapon at Lorong Sesuai. On On will be on site.

Virgins: – nope.

Visitors, returnees and other misfits: Herr Zipp is a distinguished returnee, welcome back. Also welcome Legolas, Stiff, Lennie (allegedly known as Boxer), Ayam Zinking, Krit, and Deep Throat.

New Member – nope.

Lippy – Ayam Zinking, Hooray, and Herr Zipp. It seems I don’t have to re-type Ayam Zinking’s name each week, might as well leave it here permanently. Ladies, I think there is a bit of persistent abuse going on here.

The Dick – Tiger Lily has the Dick in a bag, enters the circle and puts it on. Says, “OK, the Dick…..” “Ummm, actually, I haven’t thought of anything yet, can we do the tits first?”

The Tits – Father Anus has finally remembered the tits. He has two candidates, “one for each boob”. For the first candidate, he says that while the hash has no rules, some must really learn to run the fookin’ hash. Who could it be not following trail and thereby causing confusion among some of the Harriets? Boo of course. Sneaky Comer is called in as the other candidate, for not picking up the 20 tons of Monday paper near the trail and thereby causing more confusion. By a very narrow (perhaps slightly rigged) vote, Boo gets the tits.

The Dick – Tiger Lily is ready now. She was chatting with Wet ‘n Wild (during the last charge, maybe)? Anyway, Wet ‘n Wild has been doing some Pilates which she happily reported train “ALL the muscles of the body”. Tiger Lily thinks this will make Sneaky Comer happy so Wet ‘n Wild gets the Dick.

AOB

· Handbag calls in the Dog Lovers. All the FRB’s managed to run into a big pack of dogs (ed: while they were off trail). On in Stiff, Tiger Lily, Krit, Ayam Zinking.

· Boo asks Tiger Lily who is the new Prime Minister of Japan. Tiger Lily is not too sure. It turns out he has relatives on this hash, on in Kannot Kan and Kan the Kobra, who get a drink with Tiger Lily to celebrate their relative in high places (ed: Naoto Kan).

· Boo, who clearly had little to do this week, takes out the Straits Times and points to an article about an Australian man, who after having a little to drink, jumped a fence to sit on the back of a 5m crocodile. The Australian was lucky to escape with bites on his legs (ed: http://www.straitstimes.com/BreakingNews/World/Story/STIStory_553398.html). On in Sneaky Comer for being an Australian.

· Mother’s Tongue first wants Boo in the circle for pre-empting her (twice) when she was trying to get in the circle.

· Mother’s Tongue now has the hares in the circle, congratulates them on their third anniversary, and waxes lyrically about a lovely run – fields, beaches, sunsets etc. Thanks hares, have a drink.

· Legolas has the hares in the circle for not pickup up paper (Monday’s perhaps).

· Wet ‘n Wild has an immediate grudge and has Legolas in for picking up paper too early and confusing the back runners.

· Zipp reminds the Harriets that there are a lot of new regulations on the hash, but of course no one takes any notice. She thinks the stand-in GM, Big Head, should set a better example. Her crime: going into the area behind the car park with a piece of toilet paper. The sign she ignored? “No Dumping”.

· Hooray calls in the Ball Breaker runners from Interhash. Handbag, Krit, and Kannot Kan. (Kamela is surprised that Kannot Kan did the Ball Breaker). Krit apparently turned back at the airport.

· Hooray has more Interhash news, and in this case dobs in some short cutters on the Quadripartite run – Stiffener, Kan the Kobra, and Quickie.

· Sneaky Comer points out that last week we got a beautiful American Day T-shirt decorated by one of those famous red signs that we always obey carefully on the hash. So when we got to a red sign on this hash, did Big Head check behind it? No, the run must go somewhere else, she was thinking. Give her a note for note taking her own advice.

· Big Head has Sybil in for front running.

· Sneaky Comer overheard his wife saying that “on this day three years ago, I was having a lot more fun”. Give the reluctant hasher a note.

· Zipp has Deep Throat in for not wearing a hash shirt, but thinking she can get away with a “Hashmina”.

· Hooray points out that Michelle has been on the phone for quite a while during the circle, so there is a potential hash naming. He is not sure what that name might be, and says the issue is “open to the floor”.

· The pack is sure we should wait for a naming so the circle proceeds while we wait for this 30 minute phone call to end. Herr Zipp calls in his “Mum”, Zipp, who welcomed him back after a long absence by calling out “Prick” at him all night. Is that any way to treat your long lost son? Zipp retorts with ”You don’t bring me flowers..”

· Handbag has geometry on his mind, as he starts talking about types of triangles: Pythagoras, golden, Bermuda etc. Anyway there was a triangle of sorts on the run tonight. A Singaporean translating New Zealandish for an American: on in Boo, Big Head, and Wet ‘n Wild.

· Zipp announces that Kampong Hash is on this Saturday but she has no idea where it will be.

· Kannot Kan brings Lennie in the circle. For some time Lennie has been known as Boxer, due to an incident in the Sportsmans with a Scottish lady. However, Lennie has never been officially named this way, so the Harriets correct this, with Big Head doing the honours. Lennie will forever more be officially known as Boxer.

· Michelle has finally returned from her phone call. Various names are tried including “Love You Long Time”; and Boo is particularly keen on “Open on the Floor”; but in the end Michelle is officially named “Open To the Floor”.

· Big Head charges Boo with playing with his nipples. Boo retorts that his Mum never tied his hand.

On on on to Summer Nite Breeze in Pasir Ris Park.

Scribed by Sneaky Comer.

The ‘Yankees go Home, or at least get out of our Park’ Run

Big Head and Virginia Slim.

Sengkang Riverside Park.

The Run

Once again we had plenty of visitors and returnees, on their way home from Interhash. We also had a couple of frustrated hares who had been chased off from their favourite run site by the new rules. And we had a GM who was nervously looking at her watch every few minutes, could it be that she had somewhere else to be? So after some basic trail instructions, and a “good luck” to three virgins in white shoes, we were off down under Anchorvale Street to the traditional circle check in the pagoda at the top of the park.

This being a Virginia Slim run, best choice for the on was across the canal and up a slippery slope and so it was. Then, of course, down to that stinking, festering pond where an obstacle course had been set up – a cut down tree provided a bridge and a piece of loose rope gave false hope to many who thought they could get across feet dry, but more than one ended knickers deep in the festering pond. Great entertainment. Stiffy was heard to complain (unusual) that he was behind some fat bastards at the pond crossing and he was worried the “bridge” would be suffering wood fatigue, but I can reliable inform him it had been load tested to 2T! (If you could stay upright with the loose rope, that is). Some more meandering trails got us out onto Anchorvale Street again where we (well some of us anyway) crossed the road at Kupang LRT station and then found our way into the woods between Anchorvale and the TPE.

More meandering around in the woods until we finally emerged at the dog hotel, a traditional drink stop, for a lovely concoction of Gin, juice, and fruit, the baying of hounds and the bites of fleas. On home through the bottom of the Sengkang Park.

Where’s the GM? Having run the run, our GM disappeared to get on a plane (needs to pack apparently) so left the circle in the capable hands of Big Head. The circle was pretty noisy so Boo piped up with “listen to the old lady”, for which he and Jig a Jig got a down down for rudeness.

Crikey, what did we think of that for a run? “Too short, too many fleas” etc etc. Virginia Slim reports that the 4^th of July is “British Thanksgiving Day”. Very good run – a drink stop is always a winner, especially when the hare is the one running the circle.

Stiffy’s Hash Maths. Maggot hash maths actually suggested 4.5km.

Tell us about your on on mate. On site, Mr Hoe’s “melting pot” of not necessarily American food: lamb, falafel, pitas, chips, salad, apple pie and ice cream.

Well what about next week? Wet ‘n Wild and Sneaky Comer’s anniversary run will be as far from a National Park as possible, at that exotic location, Pasir Ris Heavy Vehicle car park. Big Head was not impressed and gave Sneaky a down down for boring location [editor’s note: at least we won’t get arrested].

Virgins: – welcome Rubby (sp?) and Loretta. [Editor’s note: Zipp, stop being so cruel, tell your virgins not to wear their virginal white shoes].

Visitors, returnees and other misfits: welcome Sunny, Vibrator, Deep Throat, Pussy Galore, Cervix with a Smile, Youhou, Alouette, Jig a Jig, King Lear, Shiggy Piggy, and Ayam Zinking (who the GM finally caught during the on-on, pay your guest fees Ayam). Special welcome to returnees Walkie Talkie and Careless.

New Member – nope.

Lippy – Ayam Zinking, Handbag, Vibrator, Boo, and YouHou were the naughty boys tonight.

The Dick – Tiger Lily forgot she had the Dick so she gets a down down. Perhaps she couldn’t see it at home?

The Tits – Father Anus also has forgetfulness disease. Please bring out tits back!

AOB

· Suzee Wong is upset with Virginia Slim. She notes he is drinking wine tonight, which is fine on a Harriets run but recently, on the Seletar 30^th anniversary, which HE organized, beer was available at any time but wine wasn’t available until after the circle. Boo volunteers for a sympathetic down down with Virginia.

· Vibrator has been in Australia for a month. “When do you go back” was asked. He notes that Australia now has a female Prime Minister but this suits the Male Chauvanist Pigs in Australia because they can pay the woman less for the same job a man was doing a month ago. Maggot is the representative MCP.

· Mother’s Tongue observed experienced hasher, Ad Nauseum, tripping and falling in spectacular fashion, doing an acrobatic curve and roll. Well done.

· Twin Towers calls Big Head in for letting Ayam Zinking spend the circle texting on his phone and then disturbing Tiger Lily.

· Handbag charges himself – he admits to lipstick, pushed the girls aside to get to the drink stop first. But in his defence he says he was first to arrive and last to leave the drink stop, so of course he needs another drink.

· Fat Crashing Bastard calls in Comes Quietly. At one point in the run, Comes Quietly called for a woman but was not satisfied with Twin Towers as a front runner and he wanted someone faster. Twin Towers was incensed at this and she pointed out that she was able to run very fast “horizontally”. Here’s to the horizontal joggers, they’re true blue.

· Sneaky Comer needs legal advice for this next charge and believe it or not, he has found a good lawyer. Boo was able to get an important case deferred so he could go to Interhash. Now that’s a good lawyer. So Boo is called in to observe. Sneaky met Caryl Gurney, the Harriets founder at Interhash, and they had a good chat about the history of the club. Caryl is pleased that the club is going well but she feels there are too many men, and those men certainly shouldn’t be doing hash roles like scribing. Fortunately, the committee is stepping up this year, Sneaky overheard Too Easy and Stiffener fighting over who should be doing the washing up (of the beer mugs) tonight.

· Ugly Bum points out that male chauvinism is alive and well on this hash. Speaking to an associate member, she was complaining about being photographed on the hash, because sometimes the photos don’t represent her as “gorgeous”. Shiggy Piggy didn’t express enough sympathy or surpise, apparently.

· Big Head notices at this point that Ugly Bum is wearing an English hash shirt on an American Day Run.

· On a British theme, Not Tonight reports that “having a Queen” costs every British Citizen 62 pence per year ($4,500 USD at current exchange rates). So Ugly Bum and Handbag get a note for supporting the Queen.

· Mother’s Tongue saw another trip on the run tonight. Fat Crashing Bastard tripped right in front of Boo, who reported that “it wasn’t a pretty sight”. Both of them get a drink.

Awards – Big Head is “honored and pleased” to present a 300 run award to Virginia Slim since he has given her “so much pleasure”.

On on on to Mr Hoe under the park pavilion.

Scribed by Sneaky Comer.

The ‘On yer bike’ Run

Sex Change, ably assisted by Jackoff and Slocum.

The Run

Plenty of visitors, virgins, and returnees gathered in the cul de sac at the end of Springleaf Road (not Drive, Avenue, or Lane). A bigger crowd than in many weeks signaled that Interhash was near. As 6pm approached, there was no hare, no GM, and no trail to be found by the spies.

Fortunately the GM arrived at 5:58 after the long trek up from F Bukit Timah Road, and circled everyone up. We were sent off out towards the canal, where trail disappeared and f^&*ed the front runners while everyone else went back through the run site and over into the shaggy. Out onto Lentor Avenue and then a little loop in the shaggy before a LONG run along the MRT line all the way to Yishun Avenue 1. Into Bottle Tree Park and across to Lorong Chencharu (we haven’t been there for a while), before we found our way back through a classified route. Finally back to Springleaf Ave where a drink stop was waiting, and then up the hill and home. Good trail hares, long and fast.

Crikey, what did we think of that for a run? Good Run was voted. This was upgraded to Very Good Run due to the absence of Boo.

Stiffy’s Hash Maths. Nope.

Tell us about your on on mate. Beng Heng.

Well what about next week? Big Head has no idea on the location – Stay tuned. There will be a drink stop.

Virgins: – 5 Virgins started but there were only 2 left

Visitors, returnees and other misfits:, Yes there were, but missed their names.

New Member – nope.

Lippy – Rambo received the Lippy, despite pleading innocence on the grounds that he tripped and stumbled forward.

The Tits – No sign of Tits tonight, unfortunately.

The Dick – Shoe Shopper, who seems to have had a lot of Dick recently, thought about giving it to a Virgin for running in thongs (flip flops) but no. Instead, Tiger Lily receives it for failing to see any of the T Checks nor the 4 arrows pointing the way. Can she see the Dick?

Awards-

500 runs – Dances With Kerbs.

200 runs – Sneaky Comer

AOB

· Sneaky Comer, who had been standing with his beer on his head for the past 10 minutes, races in. The Hash may be 40 years old but things are getting more energetic. On a rather long run, the MRT was in sight but the Hare didn’t think to provide runners with a Transit Link card so they could short cut. Instead the Hare bought himself a $150 bike to set the run on!  [Ed:  the main freakin point of the charge, Cock Radio, was that Croc Hunter felt the need to have a stretch before the run.  How long have you been on holiday, mate?]

· Cock Radio, having arrived late, was at the Beer Wagon when he saw the first runner come in. Croc Hunter emerged from the jungle trail with his singlet lathered in sweat. The truth came out that he had been searching for durian.

· Stiff complained of sexual harassment on the run. He was groped by a Harriet. Big Head, charged with groping.

· Sex Change was charged for offering a ride on his bike to Suzee Wong. Which bar was she going to sit on?

· Jack Off had noticed Sneaky Comer standing with his beer on his head for 10 minutes before AOB started, and so he is charged with premature charging.

· Tiger Lily had a virgin charge involving a young girl and Great Balls of Fire. I won’t go into details, suffice to say the young girl is no longer a virgin.

· Gypsy comes to the defence of Sneaky Comer, and tells us that his beer was actually stuck to his head and he couldn’t get it off. A demonstration is given by Gypsy who then leaves the Circle with a beer stuck to his head.

· Cock Radio had a peaceful meal in a Sembawang Coffee Shop on Tuesday night upset by a disturbance coming from a coffee shop over the road. On going over to inspect, he was promptly greeted by Virginia Slim and the rest of the Seletar boys, sat on ice and copped ‘all Australians are born illegitimate.’

· Sneaky tells us that the Seletar Anniversary weekend was very energetic and draining. He arranged to meet with a group of visitors [Ed: returnees Lynx and Touch my Stuff] later on but they fell asleep. Not a reflection on Sneaky’s company???

· Kamala charges Blood Shit with giving her false information on the trail – the advice he gave her was definitely not the shortest way to the drink stop!

On on on to Beng Heng

Scribed by Cock Radio.

History Moment

Our founder, Caryl Gurney (Mrs G) was at Interhash and passes on her regards. On hearing there are about 30 “Associate Members”, she retorted that “oh, no, we can’t have that” (editor’s note: too many, in the old days men were carefully restricted on a quota system). And as for men scribing etc, that is an absolute no no. So all you men, f&*k off, and ladies, pick up your pencils. Caryl plans and hopes to attend the 2,000^th run celebration in October 2011.

The ‘There are spies in the Rifle Range Road Carpark, but who gives a Hash Shit” Committee Run

Shoe Shopper & Wet Pet, clean up by Stiffener and Wet ‘n Wild.

The Run

There were reunions going on near the British Club gates as I arrived at the run site. Interhash is 9 days away and old farts in great numbers are starting to arrive at Singapore Hash runs. Welcome one and all! In the spirit of the occasion, Shoe Shopper informed us that the run was on all three substances, chalk, paper, and that very dangerous and environmentally questionable flour. So off we set down Bukit Tinggi Road, with Boo managing to piss of the hare within 200 metres by looking for a short cut. “Don’t go that way Boo, you’ll find the in trail” shouted the hare, giving those within earshot a valuable clue. Another valuable clue came on the run up Binjai Rise, where the hare told me she was “slowing down so she didn’t have to pretend to run to the T-check through the pipes under the PIE”. Thanks hare, neither did I, which was a bonus as various front runners came screaming out of the pipes chased by bats.

On up over the hill and down into Mayfair Park, up Rifle Range Road and into the reserve on the right went the front runners, who reached a check pretty quickly. I was thinking Sempaning link at this point and headed off behind a visitor, who gave up short of the corner, a poor choice as it later turned out. On on was right up the Sempaning link until we reached the stream, at which point I have to censor a little but magically we ended up at the Rifle Range middle car park about 10 minutes later. During this magical mystery diversion there was an extensive discussion about National Parks, marking trails, and whether dog shit might not be useful for marking trail. Stiff and Fat Crashing Bastard, you were certainly talking shit and if the GM hadn’t called the circle short, you would have been in trouble. On emerging to the car park, Maggot pointed out a suspicious character standing around in the car park wearing running gear, who could only be a NParks spy. Or a runner. Whatever!

Then it was on in to the Durian loop with a minor classified diversion here and there before we emerged onto Jalan Kampong Chantek and on home in just under an hour, I think. Thanks to the sweepers who were picking up the trail markings behind us.

Crikey, what did we think of that for a run? With the GM and Hash Cash as hares and the Hash Brew and On Sec as sweepers, there was little doubt, was there, that this would be considered an excellent run? Good run hares, thanks for the memories (since runs like that will soon be a memory).

Stiffy’s Hash Maths – was off measuring somewhere else tonight, about 6km?

Tell us about your on on mate. Sports Bar at the British Club. Menus were on display, credit cards checked, etc. Quite a big turn out, I think about 35-40!

Virgins: Kevin and Arthur. Arthur had gone or was lost, but Kevin got a down down.

GM Privelege – Boo got a drink for consistently calling the GM an old lady.

Visitors, returnees and other misfits: Gazilions (again) and fortunately (again) I have the GM’s bit of paper to remind me: Biggles, Deep Throat, Touch My Stuff, Lynxx, Bird Shit, Testicules, Deep Shit, Whore Bini, Higgins, Bagless Too. I could have sworn I saw Ayam Zinking there too, did he pay?

Special returnee: actually Lynxx is a former GM from “last century” so she gets another drink.

Lippy – Bloodshit was still changing at his car as we ran past so he must have been in front, right? Kevin, Comes Quietly, and Touch My Stuff got to join him.

Awards (or prizes, as they are now known):

· Bloodshit has done 50 runs. Unfortunately, his anticipated milestone was 2009 so that is what is printed on the shirt. “Off off off” is closely followed by “on on on”.

The Tits – still absent. Father Anus, what are you doing with those tits?

The Dick – Comes Quietly enters the circle and waits quietly for silence. He is waiting quite a while. When he can make himself heard he points out that teachers normally set a good example during the school year. However, in the vacation all that discipline and good example setting seems to go out the window. At breakfast, Comes Quietly observed Shoe Shopper riding down the street on her treadly (that’s Tasmanian for bicycle) while not wearing a helmet (example one). Tonight, observe her car parked illegally (example two). And as for the run, well nothing need be said about the new rules and Shoe Shopper’s blatant disregard for them (example three). So thanks for not setting an example, but here is the Dick.

AOB

· Sneaky Comer reminds the circle that in car racing, having a fast pit stop is key to success. So it seemed tonight, when Lynxx was first to arrive at an on-call but needed a pi(ss)t stop. She was in and out of the jungle so quickly that she was able to maintain her FRB position despite that fact that the chase pack included Mr Potato Head. And to keep the charge in the family, Sneaky Comer describes the antics of Touch My Stuff in checking just short of the corner on the Sempaning Link, returning too quickly and having to back track twice when the trail was found. “I don’t know what it was like in the olden days, but the hash these days is much trickier and you have to look further than 10m for the on”. Give them both a drink.

· Fat Crashing Bastard knows that all women don’t think alike. He knows this because Lynxx and Too Easy were chatting at the start of the run, and they agreed during the conversation that it would be best to park their bikes at the top of the British Club. Too Easy’s reason: she was wearing FM Shoes and was worried about here ability to ride up there; Lynxx on the other hand was worried about the safety of her property. Give them a note.

· The GM charges Bagless Too with being such as sad bastard as to come to hash on his birthday. Give the birthday boy a note.

· Higgins comes and and says that when one Higgins drinks, all Higgins must drink. Some form of inside joke ensues as many of the returnees come in for a drink. [Editor’s note: this is why we have a history project, to try and forget this stuff]. Higgins has a wide range of charges:

o Last time he was here the GM was in FM shoes: Suzee Wong

o This time Big Head was in FM shoes before the run but isn’t now.

o Jackoff remembered him as bidding for Interhas 2014 – how on earth does she remember.

o Testicules for showing up at hotel reception in Geylang in his underwear [Editor: hey, I just write down what I hear].

o “Virgin Slim” for something or other.

o Lynxx and Touch My Stuff for running 1400 miles in 4 months.

o Biggles, for something???

· Virginia Slim then embarked on a 20 minute advertisement for the Seletar 30^th Anniversary, this weekend. For those who like the short version, turn up at Turf City this Saturday after lunch. If you haven’t registered bring $100. The longer version was around Virginia Slim’s travails with the Police. Seletar have their “Public Entertainment License” to cover the likelihood that a bunch of Australians will get drunk and try and fight each other. However, Slim had overlooked the fact that a mass run could be seen as a “procession”, “political assembly”, or “march”, so he needs a permit for the run. Ai yah. If you run with Seletar on the weekend, please wear some clothes because V Slim has promised you will (attire to be worn was required for the permit).

· Fat Crashing Bastard wants French people in the circle, because of something that happened somewhere while people were kicking a ball around (apparently).

· Higgins asks for right of reply to Virginia Slim’s advertorial and is given access to the circle. He passes around flyers for Interhash 2014 Brussells, then asks Virginia Slim to explain the Dick to him. V Slim is asked to drink from the Dick, which has the dual purpose of giving it a bit of a clean.

· One of our visitors presents a Sri Lanka hash shirt, size XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL, to the GM, who had checked she had a bra on when being given advance warning.

· Lynxx weighs in with a Tidewater patch for the GM.

· Twin Towers has been in training. So we see as she parades around the circle. Training with running, kick boxing etc. Her personal trainer? Comes Quietly. So she was a bit annoyed tonight that Comes Quietly sent her off to run up that great big hill while he went off on a short cut.

· Mother’s Tongue points out that Twin Towers has a tag showing on her top so she is forced to remove it to turn it inside out.

· Sybil was excited and happy to see Higgins and Touch My Stuff return, but apparently TMS snubbed her on arrival, which made her sad “he used to carry me around the circle in the old days”. At which we were treated to a re-enactment.

And on that note, its….

On on on to the British Club.

Scribed by Sneaky Comer.

The ‘I think I need a drink after all that” Birthday Run

Comes Quietly & Twin Towers

Lorong Sesuai

The Run

A few thoughts crossed my mind as I arrived at the run sight on this Wednesday night:

1. I was feeling bad for the hares. After all, according to Bloomberg News “Almost 100 millimeters of rain fell before 11 a.m…..” “….more than 60 percent of the average monthly rainfall for June, according to the national water agency”. (http://www.businessweek.com/news/2010-06-17/singapore-faces-more-rain-after-orchard-road-floods-update1-.html).

2. I was feeling bad for myself, because any run from Lorong Sesuai requires you to run up the ba%^ard again at the end of the run.

3. It is a National Park, and we need more issues there like Singapore needs more cars.

Anyway, we were informed that the run was “almost entirely on paper” and off we headed down the paved path (no running off trail here). A tricky circle check allowed we sneaky SCB’s to catch the FRB’s, then down to Old Jurong Road, over the road and along the fenceline, then back to Upper Bukit Timah Road and across to Hinhede Walk, across the railway into the reserve, and a very environmentally sensitive set of trail markings along the Hindhede trail. As we emerged into the visitor centre car park, I was thinking that the run was “shortish” but with a drink stop we would still be home in 55 minutes or so. But no, the run wasn’t going home at this point, it was on into Senapang Link, all the way up to the pipeline, onto Rifle Range Road, down the road or track past the Rifle Range, and back to Hindhede Drive. Then, finally, it was on to a drink stop and nibbles in front of Southaven before a weaving meander back up the hill (that drink was strong)!

Crikey, what did we think of that for a run? Well we thought it was good, but the hares aren’t back yet. Are they picking up trail paper? Are they cleaning salmon off their teeth? Are they doing the washing up? Not really sure, but let’s proceed anyway and we will deal with them later.

Stiffy’s Hash Maths has new batteries, and reports 8.5km. Believable, it seemed even longer to me.

Virgins: nope.

Visitors, returnees and other misfits: Gazilions and fortunately I have the GM’s bit of paper to remind me: Iris (I though he was Trash), Deep Throat, Biggles, Krit, Malfunktion (who very nearly malfunctioned tonight), Bagless Too, Cherry Picker, Astronut (who must be a returnee based on some of the photos we have found in the history archive, a small fee will disclose more), Poser, VDM, Bullet Head, Knickerless, Phoney Dick, Faulty Towers, Knobby Boy Scout, Ayam Zinking.

Well what about next week? Committee run led by Shoe Shopper from the British Club. “Bring a credit card”. What is that for, to pay off the rangers, or security guards, or is it just that the food requires a small loan to pay for? Nope, none of that, the on on will be a la carte but they don’t take cash, so come prepared!

Awards – Shoe Shopper announces that we have some “prizes” this week. No one has a clue what she is talking about until she pulls out a pewter and announces that:

· Hooray has done 800 runs – “more like 800 short cuts”, “get a life”, and “who let him in the club” are heard from the cheap seats. Well done Hooray, he gets a pewter with a lid and quite a large down down.

· Too Easy (a “Hasherette”) has done 300 runs and gets a pewter picture frame to “put a picture of me in” remarks Fat Crashing Bastard. “It won’t fit” is almost “Too Easy” a retort to that one!

· Kannot Kan has done 100 runs. His only redeeming feature,

· Kan the Kobra has also done 100 runs.

The Tits – “are in our midst”, says the GM. “No they aren’t, they’re in the car” replies Father Anus. Since he can’t think of anything, can’t find his keys, or can’t be bothered walking over there to get them, he gets to keep the Tits for another week.

The Dick – the GM has the dick. In fact, she has “Cock Radio’s Dick in her hand”, after it was handed over in Dover MRT station before Cock Radio took his sabbatical. Shoe Shopper, you must be a legend amongst the locals and maids in your area. Anyway, she calls in Comes Quietly who after taking us up Bukit Timah Hill on Friday now had us running up Lorong Sesuai. SS is wondering if Comes Quietly thinks her ass is too big and needs stairmaster treatment. As Comes Quietly opens his mouth to reply, he is warned that it is unlikely he can say anything good at this point. His reply “you are thinking too much on this hash”. Down down, he gets the Dick.

So now the hares are back and one of them has the Dick:

Crikey, what did we think of that for a run? “Too much salmon”. “Good Run” was heard but the GM did a bit of vote rigging and the final conclusion was “Excellent Run”! Thanks Hares.

Tell us about your on on mate. Red Lantern, the usual fare, $12.

Birthday – since it is the hare’s birthday run, it is only fitting he should get another down down (of beer and cake) to go with it. Happy Birthday Comes Quietly.

Lippy – Ayam Zinking, Astronut, Knobby Boy Scout, Handbag, and Phoney Dick (a likely story).

AOB

· Phoney Dick encountered an unbroken circle check on the run. With him were Handbag and Father Anus. Phoney went off checking and what did these other two characters do? Follow him. Not check in another direction. Asked what they were up to, apparently they expressed supreme confidence in PD’s sense of direction and there was no need to check anywhere else. Give the lost ones a note.

· Sneaky Comer has a bone to pick with the short cutters. Having labored massively to complete the trail running to Woodlands and back, by the time he got to the drink stop all the salmon “canapés” were gone. Who was responsible? On in Wet ‘n Wild and Lost Marbles, who “lost” the second half of the trail and were forced to attend the drink stop early.

· Mother’s Tongue follows up on Phoney Dick’s charge. Having failed to check, Phoney Dick, Father Anus and Handbag also failed to break the check, leaving Mother’s Tongue and Ugly Bum to get lost.

· Handbag was inspired by Shoe Shopper’s advice to Comes Quietly earlier in the circle. He advises the men that “if your wife complains her tits are drooping and her ass is sagging while looking in the mirror, and she asks for a compliment to cheer her up, don’t tell her there is nothing wrong with her eyesight”. I hope he got a drink for that, can’t remember.

· Stiffy has Ugly Bum in on a charge of divine inspiration. I must say some of this went over my head, but apparently a church in the US had a large statue of Christ it was very proud of. Unfortunately, during a large storm the statue was struck by lightning and melted. The insurance claim was denied, sadly this was deemed “An Act of God”.

· Apparently there is some soccer thing happening at the moment and New Zealand is playing, and so is Slovenia, and apparently they played a game and it was a draw, so Mother’s Tongue wants to charge the Kiwis Wet ‘n Wild and Lost Marbles. When does the Rugby start? Seriously, apparently it was a major achievement for a country known for it’s sheep to find a soccer ball, kick it around, and then have a draw with Slovenia. On on.

· Bullet Head was impressed with a very well laid trail. On in hares.

· Re the aforementioned failure to break a check and Ugly Bum getting lost etc, while sweeping the hares found Ugly Bum and rang the GM to let her know Ugly Bum was safe and well, and could she tell Ad Nauseum. Well she tried, but Ad Nauseum wouldn’t be pried away from the drink stop where he insisted he had to “shhhtay and wait fur my wifes”.

· Twin Towers piles on and confirms Ad Nauseum was VERY happy to wait at the drink stop.

· Great Balls of Fire is very impressed by some of the hash attire on show tonight and calls in some very fashionably dressed hashers – Trash, Poser, and Bullet Head.

· The GM was attending a sports day at school recently. All the teachers had serious duties, marshaling, timing, measuring, etc. But one teacher had a rather mysterious job – leaning against a pole and scanning the field – on in Stiffy, what on earth were you doing?

· Kannot Kan tells us, in a speech lasting no more than 65 minutes, that Malfunktion has been living under a newspaper in the wilds of Australia (probably Tasmania). Anyway, give him a drink for surviving!

And on that note, its….

On on on to Red Lantern.

Scribed by Sneaky Comer.

The ‘Oo La La, I can’t think of a better name” Run

Singaporn & Father Anus

Labrador Park

The Run

Well there we were, in car park B, next to the sea, and there was only one way to go, wasn’t there? Well no, actually, the hares did a great job of confusing us and leading us up the hill to what we were sure was the inevitable T check. We were so convinced that Boo bypassed it all together, and from that point on was only seen running “the other way”. A confusing system of arrows going in opposite directions had us scratching our heads when we finally found the t-check up above the Olive Garden. 5 minutes of futile searching had the pack scratching their heads, and spreading to the four winds. I had no idea and ran out the in trail on Port Road, but saw many of the pack on the other side of the grassy field so gather from that the trail went back through the run site, around the Berlayer Tower, and back the other side of the hill.

Joining the rest of the pack on Telok Blangah Road, we headed down towards Vivo City into another T-check (thanks front runners for leaving that one for us to find J). Then up Telok Blangah Street 31 to find the front runners scattered truly in 360 degrees looking to solve a very tough circle check. We searched and searched and finally Mr Potato Head, ably assisted by Boo and Stiffy coming from the other direction, found the on only 3km up the new road that joins Telok Blangah Street 31 and Telok Blangah Heights (or will join them, when they are finished). Now I think we should pause here and have a naming competition for the new road, to help the creative geniuses who are in charge of naming Singapore Roads. My contribution would be Telok Blangah St 31.5, but I am sure you can get your creative juices flowing and come up with something more original.

Another T-check down Telok Blangah Heights f^&cked Tiger Lily and Mr Potato Head, while the rest of the pack was able to duck straight up to the forest walk where Ad Nauseum was waiting and muttering at a circle check. Back to Lock Road was a good bet I thought, so I took the low road while the pack went up onto the overhead Forest Walk. Then it was back down to Lock Road through the forbidden car park, through Little Bali to Alexandria Road, dodging people at crowded bus stops, onto Port Road and home. A good hit out at about 55 minutes for me. Thanks hares, I think I deserved my pizza and beer (burp).

Crikey, what did we think of that for a run? Good Run! Thanks Hares.

Stiffy’s Hash Maths. Nope. However through the miracle of modern technology at mapmyrun.com, 6.2km.

Tell us about your on on mate. On site, Canadian Pizza.

Well what about next week? Comes Quietly came very quietly into the circle and whispered Lorong Sesuai. Fortunately I had advanced notice for the web site so it isn’t a mystery. On on at Red Lantern.

Virgins: welcome Karina. Although her virginity must be the subject of a little debate (see later), she enjoyed the run and may be back next week.

Visitors, returnees and other misfits: Mi Mi, Carol, Ayam Zinking, Sticky Date, Stiff and one or two others I didn’t catch, sorry.

GM privilege: as the visitors were introduced, Jackoff came in pointing her finger at Carol, saying “you should be a member by now”. No pointing in the circle please Jackoff, who gets a drink.

Returnees: welcome back “Brendan Impossible”.

New Member – nope.

Lippy – Boo and Stiffy ran the whole run backwards so therefore were in front at the end of the run, or something. The stand in GM has no lipstick so they get a kiss instead.

The Tits – on vacation in the gulf.

The Dick – on vacation in Vietnam.

Awards – nope.

AOB

· Stiffy asks Singapore into the circle and points out that it is a little confusing to have arrows going the wrong way (that would be because he did the run backwards). However, when he pointed this out to Singaporn during the run she got very stressed about it, thinking she had stuffed up the run. Give her a note.

· Not Tonight asks Karina who made her come? Apparently she met Suzee Wong in Holland Village where she asked for directions. They ended up having lunch together, coming to the run together, so they should have a drink together!

· Mother’s Tongue caught Indecent Exposure “sashaying” by the seaside. Give her a drink.

· Sneaky Comer encountered Ad Nauseum muttering at a circle check in the hill park. Later on he saw him brushing away some flour. Now we know we have to be careful with our trail markings and scattering flour, but to be cleaning it up during the run was thought to be a little too careful.

· Jackoff had been talking to Karina in the circle (naughty) and Karina was heard to remark that this hash gives very small beers for down down charges, while in Indonesia you have to chug a full can. For her trouble she is given a bottle to down, of which about half she dumps on her head. Here’s to the beer shampoo and didn’t you say you were a virgin?????? Jackoff helpfully points out that beer is much more expensive in Singapore.

· Tiger Lily, having forgotten various items of clothing over the last few weeks, was informed by Cock Tease that she had four pairs of disposable panties if she was caught short this week! Here’s to Cock Tease, this could be her lucky night!

· Mother’s Tongue weighs in and suggests that Cock Tease is “down dating”, she would have more luck with edible panties.

· Stiff has a navigational charge and suggests and men know their left from their right but the hare was a bit directionally challenged when giving him instructions earlier in the run. As he headed up the hill, the hare informed him he should turn left at the top of the park (apparently off a cliff). Right would have been a better direction. On in Singaporn.

· Sneaky Comer observed the haberdash trying to sell a VERY short, VERY small, and VERY yellow skirt after the run. No one could possibly buy that, could they, thought Sneaky Comer. It looks even a little too overt for Twin Towers. But no, he was wrong. On in Twin Towers and her short skirt.

· Stiffy met Armless on the run who informed him he had encountered a man who claimed he was Stiffy’s father up at the gun emplacement, and he was waiting for the Japanese to arrive. Stiffy brought in Tiger Lily and Cock Tease and they all had a WWII memorial drink together.

· Hand Bag thinks Tiger Lily is a little naïve, having asked him in the circle “but what’s the attraction in edible undies”. Give her an education, and a drink.

· Tiger Lily gives Too Easy a drink for a good performance in a recent endurance biking event, well done.

· GM has the Geminis in for a birthday drink: Wet Thong, Comes Quietly, Not Tonight, and herself Wet ‘n Wild.

The GM asks “any more charges, the food hasn’t arrived yet” to which Singaporn responds “yes it is, it got here half an hour ago and it’s getting cold”. So its….

On on on to Pizza.

Scribed by Sneaky Comer.