The ‘How Can Virginia Slim Find Shiggy in Hougang,’ Run
Hares: Virginia ‘Houdini’Slim & Forced Entry.
Where: Hougang
On On; Coffee Shop over the road.
The Run
My last recollection of Hougang was 10 years ago – HDB Heartlands full of tarmac and high rise. So I had to ask myself when the run site was initially announced, “How can Virginia Slim find shiggy in Hougang?” Especially after a few baking hot days of 35 degrees. Why did I bother to even doubt that this would not be a typical Virginia Slim run full of slime and shiggy?
Thirty seconds into the run, first bit of mud. Couple of minutes later a muddy, slippery steep embankment to go down, which resulted in Shaggy Dick 2 literally showing to us all what he meant by his call of ‘Hole at the bottom.’ He would have completed a cartwheel if it wasn’t for the vine holding his rear leg raised in the air. Did you have Cornflakes for breakfast again Shaggy?
I should mention that it was Forced Entry who guided us off at the beginning of the run – there was no sign of Virginia Slim. Soon we were to find out why.
Emerging from some muddy jungle, we were confronted by a seriously wide and deep canal. And there lying back on the opposite embankment, sipping on a can of Anchor Beer, next to a guide rope, was non other than Virginia Slim.
Into the water we plunged. I use the term ‘water’ rather loosely here. It was actually a cesspool of slime, rubbish, goo, gunk, detergent, viscous fluids of dubious origins, noxious substances, pesticides, chemicals of various sorts, used condoms, and secretions of plant and animal origin.
As the ‘water’ level rose over my high tide water line and began seeping into my bilge, I felt sorry for some of the girls with a lower water line and what this lethal concoction was doing to their Wet Brazilians. In the meantime, Slim stayed on his back, sipping on his Anchor and enjoying proceedings.
On safely crossing the canal, and again I use the word ‘safely’ rather loosely, as the next few days will determine how many runners break out in rashes, sores, festers, fever, or gangrene. One runner even claimed he now had an excuse to blame his STD on.
The run continued on with jungle, mud, bush land that at one stage almost reminded me of Australia, more muddy bits, in and outs, even though he was not even here, and some intelligent checks that kept the pack together. I use the term ‘intelligent’ loosely here, as this is not a word usually synonymous with Virginia Slim. However, he did have Forced Entry as his co hare.
What goes up, must come down. And runners who cross a canal of slime on a Virginia Slim Run, must recross the canal of slime. And there was Slim sitting back on the home side of the canal, but the trail had us heading into the jungle away from the canal. ‘I would not lie to you,’ shouted the Hare from across the canal.
So into the jungle we went, and found ourselves going down into a big drain that fed into the canal for our final crossing. ‘Far canal’ I thought. Getting into the drain was easy for those that followed the whole trail. Those of us that saw a short cut over the railing were faced with a 10 foot drop. I managed to stretch myself out with hands clinging to the railing and landed safely. Posh Nash, being a risk taker, decided to follow. Being the Fire Officer at work, I put my skills to work and told her to jump into my outstretched arms. This she did, and almost landed on Tiger Lily who had taken the safe route and was passing through. Woopsy.
Anyway, after crossing the canal again, we had some more muddy jungle and tricky turns and we were back in the car park in about 50 mins. Apart from those who followed Boo, who missed one of those tricky turns and ended up stranded on the wrong side of the car park. Follow Boo!!
Good run Hares, and I will never doubt Slim again.
The Circle: After copping a free shower, courtesy of a torrential downpour, the GM called her troops to arms under dry conditions.
Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Not enough canals, not enough slime. Great run, and at short notice.
Tell us about your On On: Coffee Shop down the road. With some free beer.
Next week’s run: Mr. Potato Head, in theory. Several members with good memories doubted this announcement.
Visitors / Returnees: Camel Humper, Vibrator and possibly a few others.
Virgins: Not a place for virgins.
Lipstick: Cock Radio, for going into the water first so as to assist the females, Shaggy Dick 2 and Vibrator. Farcanal!
Tits: Fat Crashing Bastard called in an Engineer, Maggot, an almost good Lawyer, Boo, and a moulder of young impressionable minds, Stiffy. The first 2 are called as witnesses, Stiffy is in trouble. The 2nd crossing of the canal involved us descending into a drain that formed a tunnel to empty into the big canal. This point was verified by our Engineer as standard drainage practice. However, on arriving at the canal and seeing the front runners wading their way across the sludge pit, Stiffy tried to convince everyone else not to follow them, but to take the tunnel that would lead us safely under the canal to the other side without getting wet. He even yelled out to those in the loosely described ‘Water,’ that ‘You don’t have to get wet.’ Stiffy was then promptly declared to be legally of unsound mind by the almost good Lawyer, and declared to be not a fit person to hold a position of moulding impressionable young minds, especially those that may be aspiring Engineers.
Dick: Father Anus is having a big problem making the Dick come.
Awards – Zilch
AOB:
· Kamala barges into the Circle and demands forcefully that everyone Hush up immediately. ‘But I wasn’t even talking,’said Gypsy. It seems that Zipp can’t quite get her running attire correct – she brought her F#*k Me Shoes for her role as Hash Brew but forget her running shoes for her role as a runner. ‘Well f#*k me,’ is all I can say to that.
· Kamala, having created a deathly silence, remains and calls in Camel Hunter. (Probably she was wishing he was really Kamala Hunter). Anyway, Kamala warned him about the dangers and perils of a Virginia Slim run, and that he should take care and slow down to avoid an injury. To which Kamala Humper replied ‘I want to run fast, I can’t wait for all the old farts.’
· Sneaky Comer appreciated Virginia Slim stepping in at short notice to set the run. However, our Hareline custodian, Posh Nash, will be rather hesitant about slotting his name into any future blank time slots. At the beginning of the run, she inquired what sort of a run could she expect from Slim. Sneaky’s blunt reply was ‘You will get wet.’ As Posh Nash crossed the cesspool the first time and liquid substances not fit for environmental release began seeping into her bilges, she firmly announced, ‘This is the last time this guy ever sets a run.’ So Virginia Slim finally joins Hooray and never has to set a run again.
· Shoe Shopper saw Kamala Hunter going into the toilets at school to change for the run. This then reminded Shaggy Dick 2 of something he had to do too. ‘I must go and put some Vaseline on my thighs,’ he declared. And from here on, the rest of the Circle was not a happy one for poor Shaggy, but it certainly was a gay one.
· I then decided to add my bit – just behind Shaggy on a treacherous muddy descent, he thoughtfully called back, ‘Hole at the bottom.’ Unfortunately for him, at the same time he was steeply descending, his rear leg became entangled and became raised in a vine, allowing all those behind him to verify that there certainly was a hole in the bottom.
· Not Tonight noticed the girls standing under an umbrella at the end of the run. And she noticed the boys standing nearby who were waiting for the girls to come out from under the umbrella and parade their wet T Shirts. Chief judges were Maggot, Sneaky Comer, Fat Crashing Bastard, Camel Jumper, and Handbag.
· Wet Brazilian wonders if Wet & Wild really knows her NZ wines. At a Committee meeting she looked at a bottle of wine, and said yes, it’s one of her favourite whites from NZ. After ¾ of the fabulous wine from NZ had been scoffed and savoured, the GM decided to have a closer look at the label. Yep, product of Australia.
· Vibrator charged Shoe Shopper for her snide remarks about kids being morons. Well, that is the fault of the teachers he reckons. He should have left it at that, because he tried to add a bit more but stuffed it up and so he was given a drink with his co moron, SS.
· Fat Crashing Bastard is thick skinned when it comes to mean and nasty charges, but Big Head went too far. When Big Head injured herself, he inquired if she was ok. She replied, ‘ No, I am not ok, I can’t look at you because it hurts my eyes too much.’ She is the meanest.
· Can Not Kan wants U 2 in, not the group but Slim and Forced Entry. What happened to the ‘I’m too busy to set runs now because I am working,’ excuse. But now he is setting runs left right and centre again. KNC reckons it is the lure of the jungle brothel that Slim can’t resist.
· The GM charged Slim for bringing his own beer.
· Sneaky Comer charged the On Sec for not reading the run reports before she mails them out to everyone.
· Maggot thinks it’s time to lay off the Shaggy gay charges – Kan The Kobra asked him if Shaggy really was gay. This did not make Shaggy happy even.
· Wet Brazilian then goes for Shaggy’s jugular, and makes a big accusation against him. Unfortunately I missed it, but it left Shaggy in utter denial and then speechless, and the Circle was in uproar. Shaggy consults Boo for legal advice.
· Ad Naseum is not happy regarding his rejected offer of umbrella’s to certain people after the run. He then tells us where he plans to stick the umbrellas next time, although this does not sound anatomically possible.
· Shaggy Dick 2 is back in (wow, he is really coming out) for more treatment and also returns fire. Stiffy cops a salvo for making gay comments – while wearing a set of tits.
· By this stage, there is now a 5 metre gap either side of Shaggy.
· Stiff reminds us that there are certain people who you need to be wary of, as anything you say will be used as fodder for the next 30 minutes to humiliate you. Big Head, saying something about ‘ 2 holes in different places,’ with Fat Crashing Bastard running behind you is not a wise move.
And so we retire for the night. And Shaggy retires hurt. Very hurt indeed.
On on to the Coffee Shop over the road. (no need to do a U turn if you are walking)
Scribed by Cock Radio.
Hash Trash
And from the School of Morons-
The following questions were set in last year’s CXC/GCSE examinations
These are responses from 16 year olds
Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax, the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, O,U, and I.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean Section.’
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.
English
Q: Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head
Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was cooking dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted: ‘Mum, I want a bike for my birthday.’
Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had got into trouble at school and at home. Barry’s mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did.
Barry’s mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.
Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Barry.
Barry knew this wasn’t true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 2:
Dear God,
This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Barry.
Barry knew this wasn’t true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Your friend,
Barry.
Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.
Barry’s mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad. ‘Just be home in time for dinner,’ his mother said. Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Barry began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 4:
I’VE GOT YOUR MUM.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F*%#ING BIKE!!!