The ‘Wet n Wild Birthday Run.’
Hares: Posh Nash, Wet n Wild & Sneaky Comer.
Where: As far from f#*king Bukit Timah Rd as possible. (East Coast Park, car park F2)
On On; The Restaurant just over there by the water (Sunset Bay Bistro), a la carte.
The Run
The Bit That Started it all Bit: ‘A bit of everything,’ promised Sneaky Comer when asked what the run would hold for us. As someone who is impartial to getting a bit, I immediately started mentally preparing.
The Warm Up Bit: Meanwhile, Malfunktion was doing some serious warm up of his own, which involved consuming as many Carlsbergs as possible before 6 o’clock.
The Beginning Bit. The Pack headed off into the nearby trees, while a cunning group stuck to the service road that would eventually lead to trail.
The Pissy Bit: Maggot, suffering the effects of a very long boozy lunch, headed to the nearest bushes and gave them a serious watering. By the time he finished downloading, the Pack was out of sight, so he took off along the service road, where, after much effort and toil, he managed to tag onto the back of Kamala and Quickie.
The Comedy Bit: Bedok Rd fly over took us into the depths of East Coast Suburbia. A back lane by a canal had us searching. I followed Wet Patch up a side street to the main road, and Shoe Shopper was following me. I watched Wet Patch turn a corner to the left, and then 30 seconds later he came back the other way, hot on the heels of Tiger Lily. It was real Keystone Cops stuff.
The Suburbia Bit: Traffic lights, traffic, footpaths and roads. Along Upper East Coast Road, across Upper East Coast Road, parallel to Uppert East Coast Road then back across Upper East Coast Road again and into the bush land.
The Bushy Bit: Winding through the trees, emerging at the canal, back along the edge of the ECP towards the underpass.
The Missing Bit: It was here that I came across Virginia Slim and Deep Throat who were walking in the opposite direction in the hope of finding the drink stop. When I informed them there was no drink stop, they dejectedly turned and headed back again.
The Seaside Bit: ECP Underpass and a home stretch along the waters edge to home. I do like to be beside the seaside.
The Risk Taking Bit: Not too many risk takers, I was the only runner to cool of with a swim in the clear emerald blue waters of the East Coast.
The Climax Bit: Up the road and into the car park, 55 minutes for front runners, and about 7kms. Good run guys, enjoyable. Not sure which was my favourite bit.
The Circle: Good grief, the real GM is back. She immediately gives a mention about overdue subs. Let’s name names.
Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Where was the drink stop asked 2 runners. Where were the toilets asked Maggot. Who got the most bits? Very good run.
Tell us about your On On: Restaurant just over by the water’s edge, a la carte.
Next week’s run: Nowhere near Bukit Timah Rd. Jalan Kampong Chantek.
Visitors / Returnees: Camel Humper, Belcher, Veggie Queen, Stiffler, Malfunktion, and possibly a few others.
Virgins: No virgins exist East of f#*king Bukit Timah Rd.
Lipstick: Cock Radio, & Maggot, despite his plea that he was up Kamala’s arse.
Tits: Virginia Slim whips out 3 Spanish cucumbers (thankfully they were not German) and gets in 3 of the manliest male members – Malfunktion, Stiffler and Gypsy. He then asks them to hold their green members in the appropriate position and proceeded to spray cream on the ends of them. After I had complained last week about the smell of his stale cream on the Tits last week, I was then required to lick the cream of each male member’s green member, and report my taste findings back to him. And it was Malfunktion who takes the honours with the tastiest, creamiest green member. Gypsy then reported that his was still firm.
Dick: A Dickless run again.
Awards – Zilch
AOB:
· The Wedding.
The anticipation of this long awaited event is stirred as traditional wedding music starts up – the sounds of the Australian didgeridoo, played by Stiffler.
The Bride, Shoe Shopper, resplendent in an almost pure white gown and veil, is accompanied into the Circle by her very cute bridesmaid, Camel Humper. The Groom, Wet Patch, was looking dapper in his Aussie flag shorts, outback Akruba Hat and English shirt.
The Reverend Shaggy Dick 2 had the gathering, and himself for that matter, well primed, and a chorus of assholes was heard throughout the proceedings.
The Bride was asked by Reverend Shaggy to confirm her vows, along the lines of promising to do her husbands washing and ironing, make sure he has a cold beer next to him while he lies back on the couch watching football, ignore his farting in bed and to tell him that he has bulging triceps, a cute bum and 6 pack abs, despite thinking that he was really a flabby old fat bastard.
The Groom confirmed his vows to supply his wife with unlimited shopping credit, to tell her that he really loves her at least 20 times per day, to allow her to win every argument and to tell her that her new skin tight jeans make her look 20 years younger, despite thinking how big they make her bum look and that she should be covering up with clothing a lot longer and free flowing, like a caftan.
Reverend Shaggy then asked if there were any objections to this union of Harriet to a Harriet’s Associate Member. The Best Man, Cock Radio, then produced a questionnaire from Australian Immigration for Wet Patch to answer in order to be allowed to mix his dubious British lines with the pure bloodstock of a blonde Taswegian.
Having passed his test with flying colours, scoring 1.5 marks out of a possible total of 50, Reverend Dick declares it is time for the Groom to show the Bride his ring. On bending over and forwards, Wet Patch’s ring is well and truly on display, but the Bride decides not to put it on her finger. Well, not in public at least.
Of course, the Best Man is responsible for minding the ring, but I was not touching that one either. Of course, we all hear stories of the Best Man losing the wedding ring. Being a cunning Aussie, I had the real ring safely secured to a boomerang, so that if I lost it, it would always come back to me.
The ring is placed on the finger, the united couple unite with a kiss, tongue and all, and the groom removes the brides garter from her upper thigh with his mouth, leaving just one last thing to do. The Bridesmaid comes in with her Bouquet, all the single girls, and not so single girls, line up eagerly; the bouquet is thrown high in the air and lands in the hands of – Malfunktion!!
As wedding cake is passed around (I hope they did not use Virginia Slim’s cream), the rest of AOB continues.
· Hand Bag comes in, puts his beer down to tell his charge, but decides it is in danger of being knocked over, so carefully removes it to a safer place. Forced Entry had told him a secret: ‘Virginia Slim is the most intelligent man she has ever met.’ In the ensuing hysterical laughter, with people falling over and rolling around on the ground, Tiger Lily knocked over Hand Bag’s beer that he had so thoughtfully moved. On reflection, probably a secret Forced Entry should have kept to herself.
· Tiger Lily confirms that she really is blind by attempting to read a newspaper article but found the print too small. Anyway, Maggot and Cock Radio, being from the Australian state of Victoria, are told that their government has brought in a new law, and anyone swearing in public will be fined. This resulted in a barrage of profound swearing and obscenities from the 2 Victorians, as this law effectively reduces their vocabulary by 50%. And just for good measure, Maggot elbowed the GM in the boob as he left the Circle.
· Ugly Bum brought in the Best Man and Bridesmaid, who had a whip in her/his hand and proceeded to give me a whipping.
· Kan Not Can gathers all the singles in, including couples who are standing on the opposite side of the circle to each other and those whose partners are not here. Not sure if this resulted in any match making success.
· Tiger Lily directed Deep Throat in the direction of the toilets, but these were too much of a modern convenience for Deep Throat who headed for the nearest bushes and had a squat instead.
· At one stage on the run, Shoe Shopper turned on Kan Not Can and told him to put his camera away, not realizing that he was the official wedding photographer.
· Belcher did not like the warm beer he was given for his down down, and got the Hash Brew in for a taste of her own medicine.
· Deep Throat is still upset by the lack of a drink stop and charged the Hares for wasting her time searching for it.
On on to the restaurant by the water for a la carte. (And Towers of Carlsberg and tequila shots)
Scribed by Cock Radio.
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.