The 40th Anniversary Run
Cheval Restaurant, Singapore Turf Club, Kranji (Nowhere near F#*king Bukit Timah Rd)
Hares: Cock Radio With Sneaky Comer
On On: On Site at Cheval Restaurant
Track Preparations
The Head Curator, Cock Radio, and Leading Grounds man, Sneaky Comer, had eyes on the dark clouds building up over Johor as the Track was given its final preparations. This did not deter Sneaky Comer from placing 101 chalk arrows in drains, on footpaths, walls and anywhere else that was likely to bear the brunt of an afternoon thunderstorm.
5 mins from the Finish Post when inspecting the track, down came the rain. ‘It won’t be much,’ Sneaky confidently declared, and continued putting chalk marks all the way up Woodlands Ave 3 Home Straight to the Finishing Post.
When the downpour ended one hour later, he admitted that perhaps there would not be too much of his chalk remaining, and so off he set with 2 soggy half rolls of paper to start relaying the Track.
The Track was declared ‘Heavy.’ So were some of the runners.
And they’re off and racing in the 40th Running of The Harriet’s Cup.
Across an open field and past Kranji MRT galloped the pack. As we passed the Turf Club Grandstand, the mares were looking good but the male jockeys plodding behind looked a little overweight.
Comes First was frisky, Goes Down Easy and Two Jugs were cantering abreast, and Jack Off looked a real stayer. Eleven was running a tactical race, pacing herself at the back of the field. Comes Quietly was holding ground in the middle but Cherry Picker ran very wide. In fact he ran off the track and was caught in traffic in the middle of Woodlands Ave 3, much to the amusement of punters. Import Colin King was sitting in behind the lead filly – that’s experience for you. The early leader, Sneaky Comer, was still way out in front – we were following his fresh droppings.
The Pack bunched up at the first turn (traffic lights) before heading up to the Kranji War Memorial and Cemetery.
(For our new members, the founding member of the Hash, A S (G) Gispert, has his name inscribed on the Memorial Wall. He was killed while fighting the Japanese in WW2 as a member of the Argyll’s.)
Staying on the grass buffer between the houses and jungle, a little Kampong track led down to Woodlands Rd. The rain bucketed down again.
The Checks (or what was left of them) kept runners together.
It was then over onto the old Malay Railway line, where Eleven made her move in the Steeple Chase section. Her descent down an embankment under the MRT was inglorious, but the plastic drink bottle strategically placed down the back of her running tights cushioned the blow. Her Jockey, Circle Jerk looked like he needed some pick me up steroid drugs.
It was a now a test for the stayers up the final stretch… All the favourites were there, with some foreign imports led by the Martin King Stable looking fresh(ish). Local favourite, Comes First, was looking a chance.
Several of the short course sprinters, led by the aptly named filly, Quickie, were already back in the stables.
Stiff looked a chance but broke down on the final hill and was taken to the knackery.
Sweet Thighs looked good early on but being such a light weight, found the heavy going tough. Should be put to pasture for the winter to fatten up
Another of the light weights, The Boxer, was giving head, given head, and gave it a nudge but found the going heavy. Penile Extension was a length out in front.
1000 to 1 chances Boo and Hooray were caught shortcutting by the Stewards and put out to the retirement pasture.
Slocum, still suffering a fetlock, was led around the sand track and given a feed of liquid hops.
Stiffy found the going heavy, but plodded on gamely, as did Not Tonight. Lots of whining was heard from Stiffy. .
Malfunktion started like a bull at a gate. Unfortunately the gate did not open and he was withdrawn to the Bar.
Deep Throat was never going to be even a chance place while carrying an umbrella instead of a whip.
Ayam Kampong was interfered with and called foul play.
Zipp was rider less, having lost her jockey to other commitments.
Handbag and Tina Tuna, recently put to pasture to breed, retired early. Grunting was heard later in their stable.
The trainers of Wet ‘n Wild and Lost Marbles rested them for the Weight for Age Halloween Run. Wet Brazilian should have been in her element, but was also rested.
Slack Arse lived up to his name, coming in up the rear, closely followed by that other notable rear runner, Father Anus.
Loose Change was severely handicapped by the Stewards and was made to carry a lot of weight up front.
Virginia Slim was not allowed into the country due to quarantine issues.
In and Out was in with a chance until he was out of the running. Suzee Wong went the wong way and was disqualified.
Sybil and Mary Jane were inducted into the Hall of Fame and presented a Life Pass, excusing them from running ever again.
The Maiden Event, featuring Goes Down Easy’s parents, was abandoned due to shock. Was this their innocent daughter? What has Singapore done to her? The Stewards are investigating.
Croc Hunter replenished all with suitable refreshments.
There were some notable scratchings before the Race even took place. No names mentioned.
All starters made it past the finishing post.
The Circle: Jack Off assembled a soggy bunch in front of the grandstand bar, dutifully manned by Croc Hunter.
Crikey, so what did we think of that for a run? Best Run ever from this site. Best Run in 40 years. .
Tell us about your On On: Cheval Restaurant buffet.
Next week’s run: Halloween Run, Dempsey. Followed by Bukit Brown by the time you get this.
Guests, Foetus, Golden Raindrop, Ayam Kampong, Cherry Picker, Claudia, Deep Throat, Colin King. In and Out Returnee and a heap of others.
Lipstick, Boo, Hooray, Colin King, who claimed foul play (was he the one who interfered with Ayam Kampong???) Cherry Picker for running wide on the first bend and discovering the Home Straight, Handbag, Father Anus, Goes Down Easy’s father. A lip stick kiss was planted on each by Sybil. Hooray fled, saying lipstick on the lips is unhygienic.
Virgins: Goes Down Easy’s parents, who did not know her daughter drank and swore. They probably also thought she was still a virgin also.
Tits: Wet Brazilian pulled the towel off Stiff’s shoulders to reveal a naked torso. No Hash shirt, in fact no shirt at all. Cover up with the Tits mate.
Dick: A Dickless Run.
Awards – The Harriets were given a 40 Years Celebration. Well done.
AOB:
- Loose Change has a copy of the original Harriet’s T Shirt with members on it. Mary Jane and Sybil have their names in print. Loose Change was almost there. Not Tonight is wearing a 25 years celebration shirt.
- Newly weds Tina Tuna and Handbag are given a drink, although that was not what Tina Tuna needed as she was standing crossed legged hanging on for a pee.
- Stiffy brings in Goes Down Easy and her parents. When they raised their daughter she did not drink or swear. Well that has changed. Now Stiffy told them that he caught her in the long grass with Cherry Picker. Oh dear.
- Sneaky Comer asked Cock Radio what time and where to meet to lay the Run. Cock Radio suggested near Vanda Link and Eng Neo. Sneaky mentioned Woodlands Ave 3 may be more appropriate as the Run is at Kranji Race Course, not the Old Turf Club on Bukit Timah Rd. Oh my Buddha, almost a major Cock Up with the lead Hare having the wrong Run site.
- Boo gets in two unhappy Germans, Cherry Picker and wife Claudia. He also gets in the French and a Wet Brazilian, and then the Americans. Reason for unhappiness – Yanks phone tapping.
- Slocum is glad the event is almost over as Jack Off has been so stressed. The Committee wanted 100 people to come but only managed 60. The event was clearly advertised on the web site, 40th Anniversary Celebration, Saturday 26th November. Ummm, wait a minute, that should be October 26th. Tell the restaurant there may be 40 people turning up next month asking where the Harriets are. Web Master takes a drink.
- In and Out noticed that the founding members, Sybil and Mary Jane have the same reddish hair color. But in the old photos they did not have a red tinge. Not Tonight and Loose Change are brought in to see how their hair will look when they get to their 40 years membership.
- Not Tonight brought in a natural red hair male guest. Not sure which part of his anatomy has red hair though.
- Wet Brazilian told how Two Jugs insisted that 3.30 was too early to set up for the run. Reluctantly, the GM agreed on 4pm, but we will have to be efficient and on time. Then at 4.30 a phone call from Jack Off – ‘I’m stuck at the Border Crossing.’ Do as I say, not as I do.
- Not Tonight is honoured to be one of the senior members. But what about the male Associates – Boo, Hooray, and Slack Arse, as well as Suzee Wong and Zip.
Charges then got a bit messy, so here is what I can salvage from my notes.
- The Harriets went to no expense – I missed the punch line to the charge.
- Cock Radio again for not knowing where the run site was, then ringing Sneaky Comer at 3pm to find out where the restaurant was.
- The Organising Committee was given a big thank you.
- Cock Radio was further charged for not attending one meeting. May explain why he did not know where he was meant to be setting the run.
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A special thanks to Two Jugs, Boo and Dragon Breath (sponsors)
On that note, On On to the On.
Scribed by Cock Radio.
When I’m an old lady, I’ll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness…just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they’ve provided.
Returning each deed! Oh, they’ll be so excited!
(When I’m an old lady and live with my kids.)
I’ll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
And I’ll bounce on the furniture…wearing my shoes.
I’ll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I’ll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they’ll shout!
(When I’m an old lady and live with my kids.)
When they’re on the phone and just out of reach,
I’ll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, they’ll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
(When I’m an old lady and live with my kids.)
When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I’ll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,
I’ll gag on my vegetables, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry…I’ll run…if I’m able!
(When I’m an old lady and live with my kids.)
I’ll sit close to the TV, through the channels I’ll click,
I’ll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.
I’ll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud ’till the end of the day!
(When I’m an old lady and live with my kids.)
And later in bed, I’ll lay back and sigh,
I’ll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan, ‘She’s so sweet when she’s sleeping!’
God Bless All 40 year Harriets in Singapore